SOCIAL     CUSTOMS. 


Manners  are  of  more  importance  than  laws. 
Upon  these,  in  a  great  measure,  the  law  depends. 
The  law  teaches  us  but  here  and  there,  now  and 
then.  Manners  are  what  vex  or  soothe,  corrupt  or 
purify,  exalt  or  debase,  barbarize  or  refine  us,  by  a 
constant,  steady,  uniform,  insensible  operation,  like 
that  of  the  air  we  breathe  in.  They  give  their  whole 
form  and  color  to  our  lives.  According  to  their 
quality,  they  aid  morals,  they  supply  laws,  or  they 
totally  destroy  them.  —  BURKE. 


SOCIAL    CUSTOMS 


BY 

^]  & 
FLORENCE .,  HOWE    HALL 


Who  does  not  delight  in  fine  manner*  ?     Their  charm  cannot  be 
predicted  or  overstated.  —  EMERSON 


BOSTON 
ESTES     AND     LAURIAT 


Copyright,  1887, 
BY  ESTES  AND  LAURIAT. 


JOHN  WILSON  AND  SON,  CAMBRIDGE. 


PKEFACE. 


HPHE  man  who  made  the  first  map  of  the  earth's  sur- 
face had  a  comparatively  easy  task  to  fulfil.  Like 
Columbus,  the  world  lay  before  him  where  to  choose ; 
he  was  not  obliged  to  respect  the  prejudices  nor  the 
landmarks  of  any  predecessor,  but  could  draw  freely 
upon  his  own  imagination.  The  last  maker  of  atlases 
has  a  very  different  work  to  do.  His  fancy  can  make 
no  lofty  flights ;  cold  realities  fence  him  in  on  every  side. 
Not  an  island,  not  a  wretched  little  cape  can  he  omit ; 
he  must  copy  all  his  predecessors,  and  yet  he  must 
create  a  new  work.  "  It  is  the  last  step  which  costs," 
he  exclaims  in  the  bitterness  of  his  heart,  and  longs  for 
those  ancient  days  of  geographical  license  when  turtles, 
elephants,  and  serpents  figured  in  place  of  North  and 
South  America. 

It  is  with  somewhat  similar  feelings  that  the  writer 
of  this  little  volume  has  entered  upon  her  task.  The 
difficulty  of  writing  a  new  discourse  upon  so  old  a 
theme  as  manners  is  greater  than  might  appear  to  one 
who  had  given  the  subject  no  thought.  The  old  charts 
must  constantly  be  consulted,  and  the  general  outlines 

2130032 


vi  PREFACE. 

of  the  new  must  in  great  measure  correspond  with  them. 
The  great  social  continents,  the  moral  Baffin's  Bays  and 
Hudson's  Straits  must  be  represented  as  they  always 
have  been,  in  all  essential  particulars,  and  yet  the  whole 
must  be  no  servile  copy,  no  mere  reproduction.  The 
writer  has  attempted,  therefore,  to  give  a  bird's-eye 
view,  as  it  were,  of  her  subject,  in  order  that  she  might 
be  enabled  to  depart  a  little  from  the  beaten  track, 
and  also  because  it  has  seemed  to  her  that  such  a 
view  was  the  most  correct  one.  One  cannot  judge  of 
the  merits  of  a  picture  if  one  stands  too  near  it ;  and 
the  theme  of  manners  is  one  that  admits  of  a  moral 
perspective. 

It  was  the  wish  of  the  publishers,  Messrs.  Estes  and 
Lauriat,  that  this  book  should  be  something  more  than 
a  mere  set  of  rules  for  behavior ;  that  it  should  contain 
some  reflections  on  the  reason  and  origin  of  social  cus- 
toms. To  enter  deeply  into  such  a  matter  would  of  course 
be  impossible  in  a  volume  of  this  size  and  scope ;  but 
it  has  been  touched  upon  here  and  there  as  opportunity 
offered.  If  the  reader  finds  as  much  pleasure  in  reading 
these  little  details  of  ancient  customs  as  the  writer  has 
enjoyed  in  collecting  them,  she  will  feel  amply  repaid 
for  her  labor. 

Another  great  difficulty  which  confronts  all  writers 
upon  American  etiquette  is,  that  many  matters  of  detail 
are  not  definitely  settled  in  our  social  code.  About  the 
great  general  principles  upon  which  all  really  good  man- 
ners are  founded,  no  difference  of  opinion  exists.  But 
we  are  pre-eminently  a  freedom-loving  people,  and  every 


PREFACE.  vii 

man  claims  liberty  of  conscience  in  social  as  in  other 
matters.  For  the  rest,  we  have  no  person  nor  set  of  per- 
sons who  have  a  right  to  dictate  to  us  what  our  conduct 
shall  be.  In  European  countries  it  is  a  part  of  the 
privilege  of  the  court  to  lay  down  an  absolute  law  on 
all  matters  of  etiquette,  and  the  social  culture  and  train- 
ing, hereditary  and  traditional  in  a  royal  house  for 
centuries,  give  its  members  a  certain  moral  right  to 
prescribe  what  shall  and  what  shall  not  be  considered 
good  breeding.  Whatever  we  may  think  of  a  monarch- 
ical and  aristocratic  form  of  government,  we  must  at 
least  acknowledge  that  in  countries  where  it  is  allowed 
to  exist  at  all  it  may  reasonably  claim  the  privilege  of, 
and  a  special  fitness  for,  social  jurisdiction.  The  great 
standing  armies,  too,  of  European  States,  with  their  mili- 
tary discipline  and  strict  subordination,  no  doubt  have 
an  important  influence  on  public  opinion.  They  incul- 
cate obedience  and  uniformity  of  action  with  a  silent 
influence  which  is  difficult  to  estimate  exactly. 

Our  own  army  may  be  just  as  well  regulated,  or 
perhaps  even  better;  but  it  is  so  small,  and  so  scat- 
tered over  our  Western  frontiers,  that  its  influence  is 
scarcely  perceptible.  Our  political  rulers  are  often 
men  of  no  especial  culture  or  early  advantages.  Even 
those  who  set  themselves  up  as  our  social  rulers  are 
often  utterly  deficient  in  the  important  social  pre- 
requisite of  grandparents  ;  and  the  man  whose  ancestors 
came  over  in  the  "  Mayflower  "  will  not  submit  to  dicta- 
tion in  matters  of  conduct  from  the  man  who  had 
a  rag-picker  for  his  grandfather. 


viii  PREFACE. 

Thus  it  will  be  seen  that  in  treating  of  our  etiquette 
one  must  necessarily  avoid  as  far  as  possible  ex 
cathedra  or  absolute  statements,  while  one  must  also 
beware  of  confusing  the  reader  by  offering  too  many 
alternatives  and  showing  too  many  possible  paths. 
The  writer  has  therefore  striven  to  avoid  dogmatism 
on  the  one  hand  and  ambiguity  on  the  other,  giving 
decided  opinions  where  it  seemed  best  to  do  so,  and  in 
other  cases  mentioning  the  various  views  that  are  taken 
of  those  subjects  upon  which  doctors  disagree. 

FLORENCE  HOWE  HALL. 

September  21,  1887- 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  TAGE 

I.     THE   EARLY   ORIGIN   OF    MANNERS,   AND    THIIR 

FOUNDATION  ON  HUMAN  REASON 1 

II.    PERMANENT    AND    TRANSIENT    INSTITUTIONS    IN 

SOCIETY 10 

III.  THE  USES  OF  SOCIETY 19 

IV.  THE  FRANKNESS  OF  MODERN  MANNERS  ....  25 
V.    VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIR  USFS 32 

VI.    INVITATIONS 53 

VII.    DINNER-PARTIES,  AND  How  TO  GIVE  THEM   .    .  65 

VIII.    DINNER-PARTIES;   SERVICE  AND  ARRANGEMENTS 

OF  THE  TABLE 72 

IX.    ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  TABLE 83 

X.    THE    FAMILY    DINNER-TABLE  ;     ITS    FURNITURE 

AND  EQUIPMENT 91 

XI.    CHILDREN,  AND  How  THEY  SHOULD  BEHAVE  AT 

THE  TABLE 100 

XII.    LUNCHEONS 110 

XIII.  AFTERNOON  TEAS  AND  RECEPTIONS 120 

XIV.  BALLS  AND  DANCING-PARTIES,  THEIR   ARRANGE- 

MENTS, ETC 130 

XV.    ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  BALL-ROOM 137 


X  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

XVI.  MUSICAL  PAETIES 144 

XVII.  THE  ETIQUETTE  or  WEDDINGS 154 

XVHI.  MARRIAGE  ENGAGEMENTS  AND  ENGLISH   WED- 
DING BREAKFASTS 169 

XIX.  THE  CHAPERONE 175 

XX.  CONVERSATION  IN  SOCIETY.  —  HINTS  ON  How  TO 

AVOID   SOME   OF  ITS   BESETTING   DANGERS    .      .  184 

XXI.  ON  VOICE,  LANGUAGE,  AND  ACCENT    ....  195 

XXII.  GESTURES  AND  CARRIAGE 207 

XXIII.  INTRODUCTIONS 217 

XXIV.  LETTERS  OP  INTRODUCTION 227 

XXV.  LETTERS  AND  NOTES 231 

XXVI.  ON  DRESS 245 

XXVII.  THE    DRESS    AND    CUSTOMS    APPROPRIATE    TO 

MOURNING 255 

XXVIII.  HOST  AND  GUEST 265 

XXIX.  COUNTRY  MANNERS  AND  HOSPITALITY  ....  277 

XXX.  IN  THE  STREET 287 

XXXI.  PRIDE  AND  PARVENUS 296 

XXXII.  THERE  is  NOTHING  NEW  UNDER  THE  SUN   .    .  310 

XXXIII.  HINTS  FOR  YOUNG  MEN.  —  WASHINGTON  CUSTOMS  320 


SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 


CHAPTER    I. 

THE  EARLY  ORIGIN  OF  MANNERS,  AND  THEIR  FOUNDATION 
ON   HUMAN   REASON. 

HERBERT  SPENCER  declares  the  earliest  kind  of  govern- 
ment to  be  that  of  ceremonial  institutions.  Ceremonial  con- 
trol precedes  religious  and  political  control,  and  he  finds  an 
ingenious  argument  in  favor  of  this  hypothesis  in  the  con- 
duct of  savage  tribes.  "  Daily  intercourse  among  the  lowest 
savages,  whose  small,  loose  groups,  scarcely  to  be  called  social, 
are  without  political  or  religious  regulation,  is  under  a  con- 
siderable amount  of  ceremonial  regulation/' 

In  other  words,  ceremonies,  manners,  whatever  you  please 
to  call  them,  are  necessarily  the  first  law  which  binds  man, 
because  they  are  personal  and  concrete.  The  earliest  neces- 
sity for  a  savage  is  to  show  his  fellow  that  he  does  not  mean 
to  fight  him,  but  intends  rather  to  live  peaceably  with  him 
and  give  him  his  dues.  Hence  certain  peaceful  observances 
and  signs  are  early  established,  such  as  salutations,  doing 
homage,  etc.,  and  perhaps  are  the  first  tokens  of  order 
that  appear  out  of  the  primeval  chaos  of  mutual  warfare  and 
destruction. 

The  first  bondage,  then,  is  that  of  manners,  and  the  last 
bondage  is  of  manners  also,  and  from  it  we  need  neither 

1 


2  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

wish  nor  hope  to  be  set  free.  If  we  live  among  civilized 
men,  we  surely  cannot  be  free  from  it ;  if  we  flee  to  savage 
nations,  we  must  still  observe  their  code  of  manners.  Our 
only  hope  of  escape  is  to  live  the  life  of  a  hermit,  and  even 
Robinson  Crusoe  was  polite  to  his  cat  and  his  parrot !  And 
why  should  we  wish  to  escape  from  this  easy-fitting  yoke, 
which  surely  protects  far  more  than  it  hampers  us  ?  Man- 
ners are,  or  should  be,  defensive,  not  offensive.  They  have 
undergone  vast  changes  during  all  these  ages,  and  the  cus- 
toms of  the  savage  resemble  little  enough  the  polished  ways 
of  the  highly  civilized  man  of  the  nineteenth  century.  But 
in  this  one  point  they  must  ever  resemble  each  other,  — that 
they  protect  and  defend  the  man  who  uses  them.  Emerson 
says  of  manners,  "  Their  vast  convenience  I  must  always 
admire.  The  perfect  defence  and  isolation  which  they  effect 
makes  an  insuperable  protection."  And  some  one  else  has 
said,  "Etiquette  is  the  barrier  which  society  draws  around 
itself  as  a  protection  against  offences  the  'law'  cannot 
touch  ;  it  is  a  shield  against  the  intrusion  of  the  imper- 
tinent." 

But  what  a  vast  difference  between  the  old  slavish  customs 
wherein  the  inferior  tremblingly  deprecated  the  wrath  of  his 
superior,  and  the  manners  of  to-day,  with  which  equal  greets 
equal !  The  fear  of  personal  violence,  or  even  of  death,  made 
unfortunate  wretches  grovel  in  the  earth,  and  place  dirt  upon 
their  heads,  as  a  sign  of  their  entire  submission,  a  plea  of 
humility ;  whereas,  with  the  liberty  we  of  the  Western 
world  now  enjoy,  we  need  not  "  crook  the  pregnant  hinges 
of  the  knee  "  to  any  man ;  and  though  we  still  use  manners 
as  a  defence,  it  is  only  to  guard  those  innermost  citadels  of 
privacy,  the  mind  and  heart,  from  unwarranted  intrusion. 

The  history  of  manners  is  the  history  of  civilization,  and 
in  their  study  the  wise  man  finds  his  account.  It  is  only  the 
fool  who  despises  them,  because  he  has  not  taken  the  time 


THE  EARLY  ORIGIN  OF  MANNERS.  3 

and  trouble  to  come  at  their  real  meaning  and  significance, 
and  therefore  begs  the  whole  question  by  declaring  that  they 
have  none. 

It  is  a  significant  fact  that  manners,  in  old  English,  meant 
much  the  same  thing  as  what  we  now  call  morals,  —  thus 
showing  the  ethical  importance  which  our  ancestors  attached 
to  a  decent  behavior.  "Evil  communications  corrupt  good 
manners,"  saith  the  Scripture,  and  the  word  is  used  else- 
where in  the  Bible  in  the  same  sense.  In  Shakespeare's 
"  As  You  Like  It,"  Touchstone  makes  a  delightful  pun  on 
the  word. 

"Touch.    Wast  ever  in  court,  shepherd  ? 
Cor.   No,  truly. 
Touch.    Then  thou  art  damned. 

Cor.   For  not  being  at  court  ?    Your  reason. 

Touch.  Why,  if  thou  never  wast  at  court  thou  never  sawest  good 
manners ;  if  thou  never  sawest  good  manners,  then  thy  manners  must 
be  wicked  ;  and  wickedness  is  sin,  and  sin  is  damnation.  Thou  art  in 
a  parlous  state,  shepherd." 

The  word  "  morals  "  was  not  used  by  the  old  writers ;  but 
here  again  we  have  a  proof  of  the  identity,  in  the  opinion  of 
our  forefathers  at  least,  of  morals  and  good  manners.  Polite- 
ness they  considered  as  an  essential  element  of  good  behav- 
ior,— a  branch  certainly  of  good  morals.  The  word  "  moral " 
is  derived  from  the  Latin  word  mos,  plural  mores,  meaning 
manners  or  customs ;  and  while  the  English  word  has  alto- 
gether lost  the  original  Latin  meaning,  the  French  word 
mceurs  (manners),  derived  from  the  same  Latin  root,  is  still 
used  in  the  old  sense. 

Rev.  Brooke  Herford,  in  one  of  his  recent  sermons,  called 
attention  to  the  rigorous  adherence  to  good  manners,  the  use 
of  a  prescribed  form  of  speech  even  under  most  trying  and 
exciting  circumstances,  of  which  we  find  evidence  in  the 
Bible.  Thus  the  Shunammite  woman,  hastening  to  Elisha, 


4  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

and  full  of  anguish  at  the  death  of  her  only  son,  still  answers, 
"  It  is  well,"  when  asked  whether  it  is  well  with  her  child, 
although  she  has  come  to  announce  his  death  to  the  prophet. 
And  the  messenger  who  brought  King  David  the  tidings  of 
that  dreadful  battle  in  which  his  beloved  son  Absalom  was 
slain,  prefaced  his  deadly  message  with  the  usual  phrase, 
"  All  is  well,"  though  he  knew  that  the  dearest  treasure  of 
the  king's  heart,  his  favorite  son,  was  lying  dead  on  the 
bloody  plain.  The  fear  of  seeming  to  doubt  or  deny  in 
some  way  the  providence  of  the  Almighty,  was  perhaps  one 
reason  for  the  use  of  this  phrase,  as  the  preacher  suggested. 

As  the  state  of  society  changes  from  one  age  to  another, 
manners  must  necessarily  change  with  it,  otherwise  they 
cease  to  be  the  true  exponents  of  the  thought  and  feeling  of 
the  time.  Having  once  been  fitting  symbols,  they  become 
only  dead  letters  when  the  thought  they  represented  passes 
away, — mere  empty  forms,  savoring  of  hypocrisy,  and  sur- 
viving their  usefulness  on  account  of  the  conservative  nature 
of  man,  which  tends  to  make  him  do  always  what  he  has 
done  once. 

Thus  the  phrase  "  your  worship  "  no  doubt  had  originally 
a  more  or  less  sincere  meaning,  in  the  time  when  inferiors 
were  so  low  in  the  scale  of  civilization  that  they  did  in  some 
sort  worship  those  who  were  so  high  above  them.  "When 
rae«  really  believed  that  a  king  could  do  no  wrong,  that  he 
was  a  king  by  Divine  right,  and  that  his  very  touch  could  heal 
the  diseases  of  ordinary  mankind,  —  in  such  a  time  it  would 
not  be  wonderful  that  one  man  should  consider  another  as 
worthy  even  of  worship.  In  the  extremely  enlightened  and 
unbelieving  state  of  mind  of  the  present  day  we  can  scarcely 
believe  that  such  superstitions  as  these  ever  existed ;  but  it 
was  only  in  the  reign  of  Queen  Anne  that  the  royal  touch  for 
the  king's  evil  was  used  for  the  last  time,  while  the  worship  of 
heroes  is  not  only  as  old  as  our  race,  but  has  not  yet  died  out. 


THE  EARLY  ORIGIN  OF  MANNERS.  5 

We  do  not  worship  them  precisely  as  the  old  Greeks  and 
Romans  did,  but  rather  after  the  fashion  of  medievalism. 
We  carefully  preserve  buttons  from  their  coats,  locks  of  their 
hair,  the  chairs  in  which  they  sat,  and  curious  characters 
which  they  traced  with  a  pointed  instrument  dipped  in  black 
fluid  upon  a  material  made  of  bleached  and  pounded  rags,  — 
what  we  call  autographs.  And  yet  we  think  it  was  strange 
that  the  unlettered  men  of  the  Middle  Ages  should  have 
treasured  the  bones  of  saints,  and  held  as  sacred,  fragments 
of  their  garments!  Verily  the  nature  of  man  is  ever  the 
same,  with  all  his  boasted  progress! 

When  customs  no  longer  have  a  real  meaning,  when  they 
become  mere  shams  and  pretences,  then  they  will  gradually 
disappear  of  themselves ;  and  then  the  reformer  is  justified  if 
he  inveighs  against  them,  although  if  he  is  a  wise  man  he 
knows  that  customs  "  die  hard,"  and  will  not  expect  to  see 
them  rapidly  disappear.  What  a  grand  time  they  had  in  the 
French  Revolution,  when  the  whole  order  of  society  was 
changed,  and  the  titles  even  of  the  old  heathen  months  were 
taken  away  from  them  as  savoring  too  much  of  ancient  su- 
perstition !  But  somehow  people  did  not  take  even  to  such 
sensible  names  as  "Snowy,"  "Rainy,"  "Foggy."  They  clam- 
ored for  the  old  names,  and  would  have  them  back  again ;  not 
because  they  cared  for  Janus  or  Maia,  or  even  for  Julius  Caesar, 
but  because  they  were  used  to  January  and  May  and  July, 
and  liked  the  old  nonsense  better  than  the  new  sense. 

Nay,  it  is  to  be  feared  that  we  have  not  quite  outgrown  a 
belief  in  the  old  nonsense  yet ;  for  while  no  living  being  now 
worships  Maia,  there  are  plenty  of  people  who  consider  it  un- 
lucky to  be  married  in  May.  —  a  superstition  which  existed  in 
the  days  of  Ovid,  and  no  one  knows  how  long  before.  Its 
origin  is  a  curious  one.  The  Romans  believed  in  good  and 
evil  spirits,  and  called  the  latter  Leimires.  These  ancient 
ghosts  were  of  a  restless  disposition,  tormenting  the  good  and 


6  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

haunting  the  wicked.  With  that  common  sense  which  ever 
distinguished  the  old  Romans,  they  celebrated  festivals  in 
honor  of  the  Lemures,  which  they  called  Lemuria,  and  held  in 
the  month  of  May.  The  solemnities  lasted  for  three  nights, 
during  which  marriages  were  prohibited,  and  the  temples  of 
the  gods  were  shut.  The  populace  burned  black  beans  to  drive 
away  these  bad  spirits,  and  also  beat  on  kettles  and  drums. 
It  is  said  that  Romulus  first  instituted  the  Lemuria,  or  Lemu- 
ralia,  to  appease  the  shade  of  Remus,  and  the  word  became 
corrupted  from  Semuria  to  Lemuria. 

The  manners  peculiar  to  certain  states  of  society  pass 
away  with  them,  and,  despite  the  lamentations  of  some  lovers 
of  the  past,  it  is  best  that  it  should  be  so.  Though  we  may 
sometimes  fall  a  little  in  the  scale  of  our  behavior,  on  the 
whole  there  is  an  improvement  in  the  manners  of  the  civil- 
ized world  from  one  age  to  another. 

Take  for  instance  the  beginning  of  the  eighteenth  century. 
Little  as  Thackeray  liked  the  manners  of  his  own  day,  and 
ruthlessly  as  he  showed  up  their  follies  and  foibles,  he  liked 
still  less  the  manners  of  this  older  time,  of  which  he  made 
an  especial  study,  to  his  great  disgust.  In  his  essay  on  Steele, 
he  says  :  "  We  can't  tell  —  you  would  not  bear  to  be  told  the 
whole  truth  regarding  those  men  and  manners.  You  could 
no  more  suffer  in  a  British  drawing-room,  under  the  reign  of 
Queen  Victoria,  a  fine  gentleman  or  fine  lady  of  Queen  Anne's 
time,  or  hear  what  they  heard  and  said,  than  you  would  re- 
ceive an  ancient  Briton.  It  is  as  one  reads  about  savages, 
that  one  contemplates  the  wild  ways,  the  barbarous  feasts,  the 
terrific  pastimes  of  the  men  of  pleasure  of  that  age." 

He  then  describes  the  career  of  a  very  rapid  nobleman,  who 
died  while  perpetrating  his  third  murder,  and  a  little  farther 
on  he  continues  in  the  same  vein  :  "  But  things  were  clone 
in  that  society,  and  names  were  named,  which  would  make 
you  shudder  now.  What  would  be  the  sensation  of  a  polite 


THE  EARLY  ORIGIN  OF  MANNERS.  7 

youth  of  the  present  day,  if  at  a  ball  he  saw  the  object  of 
his  affections  taking  a  box  out  of  her  pocket  and  a  pinch  of 
snuff ;  or  if  at  dinner,  by  the  charmer's  side,  she  deliberately 
put  her  knife  into  her  mouth  1  .  .  .  Fancy  the  moral  condi- 
tion of  that  society  in  which  a  lady  of  fashion  joked  with  a 
footman,  and  carved  a  sirloin,  and  provided  besides  a  great 
shoulder  of  veal,  a  goose,  hare,  rabbit,  chickens,  partridges, 
black  puddings,  and  a  ham,  for  a  dinner  of  eight  Christians  ! 
What  —  what  could  have  been  the  condition  of  that  polite 
world  in  which  people  openly  ate  goose  after  almond- 
pudding,  and  took  their  soup  in  the  middle  of  dinner? 
Fancy  a  Colonel  in  the  Guards  putting  his  hand  into  a 
dish  of  beignets  d'abi'icot,  and  helping  his  neighbor,  a  young 
lady  du  monde!  Fancy  a  noble  lord  calling  out  to  the  ser- 
vants, before  the  ladies  at  his  table,  '  Hang  expense,  bring 
us  a  ha'porth  of  cheese  ! ' ' 

Mankind  do  not  change  their  manners  from  one  epoch  to 
another,  as  a  snake  sheds  his  skin ;  the  transition  is  a  very 
gradual  one,  and  men  cling  so  fondly  to  their  old  ways  that 
they  always  incline  to  keep  them,  where  it  is  possible  to  do 
so,  changing  the  old  form  a  little,  to  suit  it  to  its  new  mean- 
ing. Thus,  when  heathen  nations  first  become  Christianized, 
their  religious  practices  are  a  very  queer  jumble  of  the  old 
and  the  new  forms  of  worship.  The  history  of  Europe  is 
full  of  records  of  these  curious  mixtures,  some  of  which  are 
very  familiar  to  us  all. 

The  old  Scandinavians  had  no  intention  of  giving  up  the 
custom  so  congenial  to  their  tastes,  that  of  drinking  the 
"  minni "  (that  is,  love,  memory,  and  the  thought  of  the  ab- 
sent) of  the  objects  of  their  worship  ;  so  upon  their  conver- 
sion to  Christianity  they  arranged  the  matter  very  simply  by 
abandoning  their  old  favorites,  Thor,  Odin,  and  Freya,  and 
drinking  the  "minne"  of  Mary  and  of  Christ.  "Minnying" 
or  "  mynde "  days,  on  which  the  memory  of  the  dead  was 


8  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

celebrated  by  services  or  banquets,  survived  for  a  long  time 
in  England. 

Many  customs  which  now  seem  to  us  foolish  and  absurd  had 
once  their  serious  meaning ;  but  in  the  course  of  long  years, 
and  perhaps  of  wanderings  from  far  countries,  that  meaning 
has  been  utterly  lost  from  sight.  Again,  we  can  often  see 
plainly  what  significance  certain  observances  once  had,  but  we 
no  longer  believe  in  them.  "We  still  say  "  Bless  you  "  from 
force  of  habit,  when  some  one  sneezes,  but  we  have  ceased  to 
attach  the  slightest  importance  to  the  remark.  It  is  rather 
curious  to  find  that  the  ancient  Greeks  and  Romans  saluted 
one  another  in  the  same  way,  and  two  thousand  years  ago 
Pliny  asked,  "  Why  do  AVC  salute  those  who  sneeze  1 " 

When  Guachoga,  a  native  chief,  came  to  pay  a  visit  to 
Hernando  de  Soto,  the  former  happened  to  sneeze ;  whereupon 
"  the  gentlemen  who  had  come  with  him,  and  were  lining 
the  walls  of  the  hall  among  the  Spaniards  there,  all  at  once 
bowing  their  heads,  opening  their  arms  and  closing  them  again, 
and  making  other  gestures  of  great  veneration  and  respect, 
saluted  him  with  different  words,  all  directed  to  one  end,  say- 
ing, 'The  Sun  guard  thee,  etc.,'"  upon  which  the  Spanish 
governor  concluded  that  "  all  the  world  was  one." 

The  petty  superstitions  of  every-day  life,  which  cultivated 
people  laugh  at  and  the  uneducated  still  believe  in,  wero 
once  no  doubt  features  of  a  serious  though  childish  religious 
belief.  All  the  superstitions  about  the  moon  point  plainly 
in  this  direction,  while  those  about  Friday  are  of  Christian 
origin,  as  all  the  world  knows.  Many  servants  firmly  believe 
that  it  is  unlucky  to  engage  or  take  service  on  Saturday, 
although  they  cannot  tell  you  why  they  think  so.  I  have 
often  seen  women  of  this  class  entreat  a  child  to  get  up  if  it 
happened  to  be  lying  in  their  path  on  the  stairs  or  else- 
where, saying,  "  If  I  step  over  you,  you  will  never  grow,  you 
know ! " 


THE  EARLY  ORIGIN  OF  MANNERS.  9 

For  every  supersitition  and  every  exploded  belief  there  is, 
or  has  been,  some  argument  in  its  favor,  some  train  of  reason- 
ing more  or  less  ingenious  and  well  carried  out.  We  smile  at 
the  curious  scientific  theories  of  Plato,  for  instance,  although 
lie  presents  arguments  in  their  favor  that  are  as  good  as  many 
modern  reasons.  In  the  same  way  there  is  no  small  point  of 
etiquette  which  has  not  its  raison  d'etre,  although  the  train 
of  logic  which  brought  it  into  being  may  be  quite  forgotten 
by  living  men. 

It  is  with  the  law  of  etiquette  as  with  the  common  law ; 
both  contain  many  absurdities,  but  nevertheless  these  very 
absurdities  have  all  been  carefully  reasoned  out.  As  the 
common  law  concerned  the  lives  and  safety  of  all  men,  its 
sayings  were  carefully  preserved  and  accurately  written  down 
by  learned  men  ;  but  the  law  of  etiquette  has  had  compara- 
tively few  expounders  to  keep  careful  record  of  its  vagaries. 
It  certainly,  however,  contains  no  greater  follies  than  those  of 
its  prototype,  which  gravely  declared  that  a  mother  was  not 
of  kin  to  her  own  child,  and  proceeded  to  prove  the  same ! 

Despite  its  many  imperfections,  the  common  law  sur- 
prises us  with  its  accumulation  of  sound  views  and  its  expo- 
sition of  true  principles,  —  the  result  of  the  combined  wisdom 
of  many  great  minds  during  long  centuries.  In  the  same 
way  the  laws  that  govern  manners  contain  many  true  and 
unchanging  principles  mingled  with  much  that  is  untrue, 
unimportant,  and  transitory. 

But  this  subject  cannot  well  be  treated  of  at  the  end  of  a 
chapter,  and  demands  a  new  one  for  itself. 


CHAPTER   II. 

PERMANENT   AND   TRANSIENT    INSTITUTIONS   IN   SOCIETY. 

"  CRABBED  age  and  youth  cannot  live  together "  says  the 
old  song,  and  the  unregenerate  heart  of  man  repeats  it.  But 
modern  civilization  not  only  brings  youth  and  age  together, 
she  accomplishes  even  greater  wonders.  Black  and  white,  rich 
and  poor,  educated  and  ignorant,  Christian  and  heathen,  evil 
and  good,  powerful  and  weak,  sick  and  well,  civilized  and 
savage,  high  and  low,  —  all  races,  classes  and  ages  of  men  she 
brings  together  pitilessly,  and  without  hesitation.  Xay,  she 
does  more  than  this,  for  she  tells  them  that  they  must  not  only 
live  together,  but  live  peaceably  —  and  on  the  whole  they 
do  so. 

When  you  consider  what  a  seething  caldron  of  opposing 
nationalities,  creeds,  and  views  a  modern  city  consists  of, 
what  widely  differing  people  are  thrown  together  in  steam- 
ships, hotels,  and  railroads  by  the  remorseless  Cook  and  the 
wide-reaching  Yanderbilt,  the  wonder  is,  not  that  somebody 
occasionally  kills  somebody  else,  but  that  men  do  not  slay 
their  tormentors  daily.  If  we  lived  in  those  cheerful  old 
times  when  the  world  was  still  young,  we  should  do  so,  as  a 
matter  of  course,  just  as  those  individuals  among  us  whose 
civilization  remains  crude,  slay  one  another  for  any  slight 
difference  of  opinion,  and  promptly  make  an  end  of  the 
female  of  the  species  whenever  she  does  not  have  supper 
ready  in  time. 


INSTITUTIONS  OF  SOCIETY.  11 

The  composition  of  our  modern  society  is  not  only  cosmo- 
politan in  the  extreme,  but  another  element  of  complexity  is 
added  to  it  in  the  vast  and  ever-increasing  intricacy  of  the 
machinery  of  our  daily  life.  We  have  become  so  highly 
and  uncomfortably  civilized,  our  surroundings  are  so  artificial, 
that  there  is  some  danger  of  our  all  turning  into  so  many 
machines,  each  one  being  a  part  of  the  great  central  Corliss 
engine  of  our  civilization. 

It  is  this,  or  the  forest.  In  past  ages  every  high  state 
of  civilization  has  wrought  its  own  ruin,  and  vigorous  bar- 
barism has  taken  the  place  of  effete  luxury  and  corruption, 
just  as  the  vacuum  of  idiocy  succeeds  to  over-activity  of  the 
brain. 

In  our  own  time  the  fleeing  to  the  country,  the  desertion 
of  large  cities  by  the  very  rich,  during  the  greater  part  of  the 
year  is  something  more  than  a  new  whim  of  Fashion,  a 
feature  of  Anglo-imitation.  It  is  instinct  which  teaches  such 
people  to  return  —  as  far  as  is  agreeable  and  comfortable  — 
to  Nature.  Having  plenty  of  leisure  time  in  which  to  note 
their  feelings,  they  find  themselves  suffocated  with  the  fingers 
of  iron  whose  grasp  extends  into  every  corner  of  a  great  city. 

Was  it  not  with  some  such  blind  instinct  that  poor  Marie 
Antoinette  strove  to  escape  from  the  artificial  life  of  the 
French  court  ?  Did  she  not  have  a  foreboding  of  the  dread- 
ful fate  that  awaited  her,  the  frightful  collapse  of  that  rotten 
state  of  society  so  soon  to  follow  ?  Alas !  the  Little  Trianon 
was  a  poor,  weak  substitute  for  the  lap  of  great  mother 
Nature,  and  could  ill  protect  its  votary  from  the  nihilism  of 
the  eighteenth  century,  —  the  nihilism  of  the  guillotine. 

In  such  a  complex  state  of  society  as  ours  at  the  present 
day,  the  code  of  manners  must  evidently  be  a  complicated 
one.  It  is  true  that  we  have  simplified  forms  wherever  we 
could  do  so,  and  have  abridged  much  of  the  ceremony  that 
was  once  thought  necessary.  There  ia  still  much  that  we 


12  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

cannot  abridge,  and  the  variety  of  our  life  must  involve  a 
corresponding  variety  of  customs. 

Through  all  the  meshes  of  these  confused  details,  however, 
run  certain  unchanging  principles,  like  the  strong  midribs  in 
a  delicate  leaf.  These  great  general  truths  are  bodied  forth  in 
what  may  be  called  the  permanent  institutions  in  society  as 
distinguished  .from  those  transient  features  which  change  with 
every  generation,  —  one  might  almost  say  with  every  year. 

The  great  truths  on  which  our  code  of  manners  is  founded 
are  those  of  the  Christian  religion,  —  a  due  regard  for  others, 
humility,  a  sense  of  dxity,  and  self-respect. 

Humility  may  have  existed  before  the  Christian  era,  but 
it  was  not  counted  a  virtue  —  in  men.  The  old  Romans, 
even  in  their  most  civilized  days,  believed  in  vaunting  their 
own  exploits.  Cicero  continually  tells  us  of  what  prodigies 
he  performed  in  saving  the  State,  and  Virgil  makes  his  hero 
boast  of  his  own  prowess  in  a  way  to  make  a  Harvard  Sopho- 
more blush.  Savages  of  course  proclaim  their  own  great 
deeds  and  those  of  their  ancestors ;  and  as  Herbert  Spencer 
points  out,  Egyptian  and  Assyrian  inscriptions  prove  that 
this  habit  of  self-praise  long  persists  in  some  cases. 

Self-respect  cannot  exist  where  there  is  not  due  humility, 
since  it  is  inconsistent  with  boasting  and  self-flattery,  just 
as  a  true  respect  for  others  is  inconsistent  with  adulation 
and  undue  glorification  of  them.  Respect  implies  a  proper 
consideration  for  its  object,  —  a  right  measuring  of  it. 

Love  for  one's  neighbor,  at  least  in  a  modified  form,  —  a 
due  regard  for  him  and  his  rights,  —  may  be  considered  as 
the  key-stone  of  our  code  of  manners,  which  even  the  most 
selfish  man  does  not  dare  wholly  to  ignore  if  he  is  well-bred 
and  wishes  to  appear  so. 

The  ancient  Persians  believed  in  treating  their  neighbors 
well,  but  from  a  rather  singular  motive.  Herodotus  says, 
"  They  honor  above  all  those  who  live  nearest  to  themselves ; 


INSTITUTIONS  OF  SOCIETY.  13 

in  the  second  degree,  those  that  are  second  in  nearness,  and 
after  that,  as  they  go  farther  off,  they  honor  in  proportion ; 
and  least  of  all  they  honor  those  who  live  at  the  greatest  dis- 
tance ;  esteeming  themselves  to  be  by  far  the  most  excellent 
of  men  in  every  respect,  and  that  others  make  approaches  to 
excellence  according  to  the  foregoing  gradations,  but  that 
they  are  the  worst  who  live  farthest  from  them." 

The  permanent  institutions  in  society  are  those  in  which 
every  one  believes  —  at  least  theoretically  —  and  whose  pri- 
mary importance  no  one  is  disposed  to  deny.  Respect  to 
elders  and  deference  to  superiors  belong  to  this  class  of  in- 
stitutions, as  does  also  courtesy  to  women  and  kindness  to 
inferiors. 

Who  is  my  superior  1  He  who  is  higher  and  greater  than 
I  am,  —  not  in  the  mere  accident  of  outward  circumstances, 
but  greater  in  himself,  in  his  character,  nature,  talents,  deeds. 

Fortunately  for  ourselves  we  are  not  obliged  by  law  and 
tradition  in  this  country  to  look  up  to  any  set  of  men  as  our 
superiors  ;  we  have  no  aristocracy  of  birth,  but  we  are  in  im- 
minent danger  of  making  for  ourselves  what  is  infinjtelj 
worse,  a  plutocracy  whose  only  recommendation  shall  be  that 
they  have  amassed  vast  wealth,  —  in  what  manner,  we  must 
not  ask  too  curiously. 

Not  long  ago  a  book  agent  called  upon  me,  and  with 
extraordinary  volubility  sang  the  praises  of  the  volume  for 
which  she  was  canvassing.  This  was  nothing  more  nor  less 
than  a  compilation  of  the  lives  of  all  the  very  rich  men  of 
the  present  day,  with  an  account  of  the  ways  in  which 
their  fortunes  had  been  accumulated,  the  whole  intended  as 
a  guiding  star  to  the  tender  mind  of  youth,  that  should  shine 
upon  their  path  in  the  world,  and  help  them  in  all  troubles, 
with  its  noble  golden  light. 

It  seemed  to  me  I  had  never  seen  Mammon-worship  so 
openly  recommended.  Far  be  it  from  me  to  say  that  all  rich 


14  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

men  are  bad,  or  their  fortunes  accumulated  by  ignoble  ineaus. 
All  honor  to  the  good  and  great,  be  they  rich  or  be  they 
poor ;  but  for  Heaven's  sake  let  us  not  set  apart  as  a  class 
Avorthy  of  all  praise  and  imitation  a  certain  set  of  men  whose 
claim  to  our  attention  is  that  they  have  amassed  a  large 
amount  of  shekels!  Do  not  let  us  (yet  awhile  at  least) 
say  — 

"  Lives  of  [rich]  men  all  remind  us 

We  must  make  our  lives  sublime  ; 
And,  departing,  leave  behind  us 
[Millions]  on  the  sands  of  time." 

The  man  who  has  made  a  large  fortune  must  have  talent  of 
some  sort,  to  have  prevailed  over  his  fellows  in  the  Gold-race ; 
but  often  it  is  his  only  talent,  and  too  often  it  has  been 
helped  out  by  unscrupulous  means. 

When  we  come  to  the  question  of  respect  to  elders,  there 
seems  to  be  little  danger  of  excess  in  this  direction — among 
the  present  generation.  If  our  young  people  feel  a  natural 
inclination  to  show  excessive  reverence  to  their  superiors  in 
age,  why,  they  repress  that  inclination  in  a  most  surprising 
manner. 

Our  elders  are  always  our  superiors  —  in  length  of  life  and 
experience,  if  in  nothing  else.  Magnanimity,  too,  bids  us 
treat  them  always  with  a  certain  gentleness.  Are  we  not 
their  conquerors,  to  whom  sooner  or  later  they  must  abandon 
their  inheritance,  the  earth?  As  conquerors,  then,  let  us 
bear  ourselves  with  becoming  meekness,  remembering  always 
now  hard  it  is  to  be  old,  —  to  be  in  the  past  tense  instead 
of  the  present. 

How  touching  is  that  story  of  Hans  Andersen's,  in  which 
a  young  married  couple  are  made  to  see  how  unfilial  their 
conduct  is,  when  it  is  imitated  by  their  little  child !  They 
have  put  the  old  father  in  the  corner  and  given  him  a  wooden 


INSTITUTIONS  OF  SOCIETY.  15 

spoon  to  eat  with  ;  whereupon  the  boy  takes  out  his  knife 
to  carve  a  spoon  for  his  parents  to  use  when  he  shall  be  a 
grown  man  ! 

Courtesy  to  women  we  may  surely  claim  as  an  American 
virtue  ;  not  that  our  men  are  always  perfectly  polite,  or  that 
we  may  not  hope  to  make  further  progress  in  this  direction, 
but  that  on  the  whole,  American  women  are  better  treated  than 
any  others  on  the  face  of  the  globe.  In  Dickens's  "  American 
Notes  "  he  says,  in  commenting  on  our  behavior  at  table,  "  But 
no  man  sat  down  until  the  ladies  were  seated;  or  omitted 
any  little  act  of  politeness  which  could  contribute  to  their 
comfort.  Nor  did  I  ever  once,  on  any  occasion,  anywhere, 
during  my  rambles  in  America,  see  a  woman  exposed  to  the 
slightest  act  of  rudeness,  incivility,  or  even  inattention." 

The  elegance  of  manner,  the  profound  obeisances  with 
which  courtly  Europeans  honor  the  women  whom  they  ad- 
mire, we  cannot  perhaps  rival  in  this  new  country ;  but  the 
spirit  of  true  chivalry,  the  respect  for  women  of  all  classes 
because  they  are  women,  and  not  because  they  are  beautiful, 
young,  or  rich,  prevails  here  to  an  extent  of  which  we  may 
well  be  proud. 

How  permanent  the  essential  elements  of  good  manners 
are,  strikes  one  very  forcibly  in  reading  the  books  of  bygone 
times  that  relate  to  courtesies,  as  well  as  the  truths  that  great 
thinkers  have  uttered  on  this  subject.  Lord  Chesterfield's 
wise  and  witty  sayings  may  still  be  read  with  much  profit, 
while  the  profound  maxims  of  De  la  Rochefoucauld  remain 
as  true  as  ever.  Hear  what  the  former  says  of  the  treatment 
of  inferiors  :  — 

"  You  cannot,  and  I  am  sure  you  do  not,  think  yourself 
superior  by  nature  to  the  Savoyard  who  cleans  your  room,  or 
the  footman  who  cleans  your  shoes  ;  but  you  may  rejoice,  and 
with  reason,  at  the  difference  which  fortune  has  made  in  your 
favor.  Enjoy  all  those  advantages,  but  without  insulting 


16  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

those  who  are  unfortunate  enough  to  want  them,  or  even 
doing  anything  unnecessarily  that  may  remind  them  of  that 
want.  For  my  own  part,  /  am  more  upon  my  guard  as  to 
my  behavior  to  my  servants,  and  ot/ters  who  are  called  my  in- 
feriors, than  I  am  toward  my  equals ;  for  fear  of  being  sus- 
pected of  that  mean  and  ungenerous  sentiment  of  desiring 
to  make  others  feel  that  difference  which  fortune  has,  and 
perhaps,  too,  undeservedly,  made  between  us." 

Haste  is  the  natural  enemy  of  politeness.  A  man  who  is 
in  a  hurry  is  seldom  polite,  and  the  constant  high  pressure 
under  which  we  all  live  has  had  its  legitimate  effect  on  our 
manners. 

A  person  who  is  in  great  haste  necessarily  appears  selfish, 
because  he  cannot  stop  to  consider  any  one  else,  all  his  ener- 
gies being  bent  on  his  own  business  of  the  moment.  That 
business  may  be  in  reality  some  deed  of  pure  philanthropy 
or  utter  unselfishness ;  it  will  still  make  the  doer  appear 
selfish  if  he  is  pursuing  it  at  headlong  speed.  People  will 
avoid  him,  much  as  they  get  out  of  the  way  of  a  fire- 
engine  running  at  full  speed  through  the  streets.  They 
respect  the  mission  of  the  tearing,  rattling  creature  of  steam, 
but  they  don't  want  to  get  in  its  way. 

A  wise  man  therefore  apportions  his  affairs  in  such  a  man- 
ner as  to  leave  a  little  leeway  for  possible  contingencies,  and 
allows  himself  a  certain  amount  of  leisure  time  which  can  be 
expended  in  speaking  or  listening  to  others  if  occasion  shall 
require  it.  Thus  a  man  who  has  allowed  himself  five  min- 
utes more  time  than'he  needs  to  catch  a  train,  will  be  able  to 
stop  and  speak  a  few  words  if  he  meets  an  old  friend  on  his 
way  ;  whereas  if  he  has  left  no  margin,  he  must  rush  on, 
with  some  hasty  and  half-heard  apology,  perhaps  giving  life- 
long offence,  and  all  for  want  of  five  minutes ! 

What  a  picture  Mrs.  Stowe  gives,  in  her  "  Oldtown  Folks," 
of  one  of  these  ever-hurried  philanthropists,  —  old  Uncle 


INSTITUTIONS  OF  SOCIETY.  17 

Fliakim  !  His  special  mission  is  to  drive  around  the  country 
and  bring  all  the  forlorn  and  feeble  old  women  "to  meeting," 
—  arriving  late,  of  course. 

"  The  benevolence  of  his  motives  was  allowed ;  but  why, 
it  was  asked,  must  he  always  drive  his  wagon  with  a  bang 
against  the  doorstep  just  as  the  congregation  rose  to  the  first 
prayer  1  It  was  a  fact  that  the  stillness  which  followed  the 
words  '  Let  us  pray '  was  too  often  broken  by  the  thump  of 
the  wagon  and  the  sound  '  Whoa,  whoa !  take  care,  there  ! ' 
from  without,  as  Uncle  Fly's  blind  steed  rushed  headlong 
against  the  meeting-house  door,  as  if  he  were  going  straight 
in,  wagon  and  all." 

Lord  Chesterfield  says,  "  Whoever  is  in  a  hurry,  shows 
that  the  thing  he  is  about  is  too  big  for  him." 

The  details  of  behavior  and  outward  observance,  what  one 
might  call  transient  or  minor  manners,  are  certainly  of  great 
importance,  but  of  little  real  value  unless  they  are  founded 
upon  a  true  spirit  of  politeness.  Where  an  arrogant  and  bru- 
tal nature  seeks  to  shield  its  essential  qualities  under  a  thin 
varnish  of  good  manners,  the  disguise  is  a  poor  one,  and 
deceives  nobody  permanently. 

To  master  all  the  details  of  etiquette  except  by  mingling  in 
the  society  of  well-bred  people  is  obviously  impossible.  One 
cannot  become  polished  unless  by  social  friction,  any  more  than 
you  can  make  a  piece  of  marble  shine  without  rubbing  it. 

A  wise  Frenchman  has  said  :  "  Politeness  is  a  quality 
[qnalite]  which  a  man  living  in  society  should  acquire  first 
of  all  things.  It  is  the  key  of  all  human  relations,  and 
gives  them  their  charm.  The  man  who  possesses  only  the 
instruction  of  colleges  may  be  but  a  sort  of  rustic  in  the 
midst  of  a  city.  .  .  .  There  is  a  great  difference  between 
civility  and  politeness.  A  man  of  the  people,  a  simple  peas- 
ant even,  can  be  civil ;  it  is  only  the  man  of  the  world  who 
can  be  polite." 


18  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

In  democratic  America  we  should  not  use  quite  such 
strong  language  as  this,  but  we  recognize  in  a  measure  the 
truth  it  contains.  With  us,  it  is  but  a  half-truth,  since  the 
absence  of  all  distinctions  of  class  and  caste,  the  diffusion 
of  education,  and  the  high  level  of  general  intelligence,  unite 
to  put  us  on  a  par  with  one  another  far  more  than  can  be  the 
case  in  any  European  nation. 

The  manners  of  an  American,  imbued  with  the  self-respect 
which  is  the  birthright  of  all  our  citizens,  have  a  dignity 
that  would  be  sought  vainly  among  a  people  who  had  grown 
up  with  the  idea  of  their  own  social  inferiority  forever  hang- 
ing over  them.  The  danger  with  us  is  that  the  thoughtless 
and  ill-educated  sometimes  forget  the  respect  they  owe  to 
others,  in  their  over-anxiety  to  claim  what  is  due  to  them- 
selves. Thus  a  Yankee  coachman  spoke  of  a  gentleman  who 
was  visiting  his  master  as  "  that  man,"  but  called  the  driver 
of  the  carriage  "the  gentleman."  In  the  case  of  this  Yankee, 
self-respect  was  so  abnormally  developed  that  it  had  become 
self-assertion,  —  a  very  different  quality  from  self-respect,  and 
resembling  it  as  some  grotesque  caricature  resembles  the 
original. 

It  has  been  well  said  that  the  source  of  good  manners 
to-day  is  found  in  respect  for  human  nature,  one's  own  and 
that  of  others,  heightened  by  a  sense  of  the  value  of  life, 
and  a  desire  to  make  the  most  of  its  opportunities  for  others 
as  well  as  for  ourselves. 


CHAPTER    III. 

THE  USES   OF  SOCIETY. 

WHAT  is  the  use  of  the  thing  called  Society  1  What  are 
the  objects  for  which  men  come  together  in  social  meetings 
of  various  sorts  1  "Empty  show  and  vulgar  display,  the 
wish  to  marry  their  daughters  and  to  advance  their  own 
way  in  the  world,"  cry  the  cynics.  "  Vanitas  vanitatum  " 
they  say  of  it  all,  and  deny  that  it  has  any  real  use  or  gives 
any  real  pleasure. 

Yet  these  very  same  people  who  so  decry  what  is  techni- 
cally called  society  in  our  great  cities,  usually  have  a  society 
of  their  own,  a  circle  of  friends  whom  they  enjoy  meeting 
very  much.  Indeed,  these  carpers  will  often  go  themselves 
to  balls  and  parties,  when  they  are  invited,  and  will,  to  all 
outward  appearance,  enjoy  themselves  as  much  as  anybody. 
If  you  speak  to  them  on  the  subject,  however,  they  Avill 
say  that  it  was  all  very  great  folly  and  nonsense,  etc. ;  that 
they  only  went  because  So-and-so  was  kind  enough  to  ask 
them. 

There  are  comparatively  few  people  who  do  not  really 
enjoy  society  of  some  sort,  though  they  may  dislike  that 
which  seems  to  them  too  showy  or  too  formal.  Even  the 
cynic  Diogenes  himself  occasionally  attended  festive  gather- 
ings, and  when  asked  what  kind  of  wine  he  liked  best,  re- 
plied, "  That  which  is  drunk  at  the  expense  of  others." 

Man  is  eminently  a  gregarious  animal.    Is  not  condemning 


20  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

him  to  pass  his  life  in  solitude  the  most  terrible  punishment 
that  can  be  bestowed  on  him,  —  a  punishment  which  has 
often  driven  its  victims  into  hopeless  madness  ? 

It  is  true  that  Swift  has  said,  "  A  wise  man  is  never  less 
alone  than  when  he  is  alone ; "  but  what  a  terrible  commen- 
tary on  this  saying  was  the  lonely,  unhappy  life  of  its  author 
alone  in  the  midst  of  crowds !  Thackeray  says  of  him,  "  It 
is  awful  to  think  of  the  great  sufferings  of  this  great  man. 
Through  life  he  always  seems  alone,  somehow.  .  .  .  The 
giants  must  live  apart.  The  kings  can  have  no  company. 
But  this  man  suffered  so,  and  deserved  so  to  suffer."  And 
again,  "  He  was  always  alone ;  alone  and  gnashing  in  the 
darkness,  except  when  Stella's  sweet  smile  came  and  shone 
upon  him."  Swift  was  alone,  not  because  he  did  not  mingle 
with  other  men,  but  because  he  had  little  in  common  with 
them.  His  genius  lifted  him  far  above  ordinary  people,  while 
his  unhappy  temper  and  disposition  placed  him  far  below 
them  in  the  moral  scale. 

Whether  society  is  of  any  use  to  us  must  depend  largely 
on  the  spirit  in  which  we  go  into  it.  If  that  spirit  is  purely 
mercenary  or  selfish,  it  is  not  probable  that  we  shall  do  our- 
selves or  any  one  else  much  good ;  but  if  we  go  into  the  world 
in  the  spirit  of  good-fellowship,  meaning  to  have  a  good  time 
and  to  help  others  to  have  a  good  time,  to  be  amused,  in- 
structed, cheered,  or  moved,  as  the  occasion  may  demand, 
then  society  will  be  both  a  pleasure  and  a  benefit  to  us. 

If  you  want  to  enjoy  salt-water  bathing,  you  don't  go  into 
the  ocean  clad  in  a  waterproof  garment ;  and  if  you  wish  to 
enjoy  society,  you  must  n't  enter  it  clad  in  a  cast-iron  armor 
warranted  sympathy-proof.  If  you  enter  it  in  the  spirit 
which  Swift  too  often'showed,  —  the  unamiable  one  of  bully- 
ing and  snubbing  men  and  saying  unkind  things  to  women, 
—  why,  you  will  enjoy  it  about  as  much  as  he  did,  and  quite 
as  well  as  you  deserve  to. 


THE  USES  OF  SOCIETY.  21 

Emerson  says,  "  The  delight  in  good  company,  in  pure, 
brilliant,  social  atmosphere,  the  incomparable  satisfaction  of 
a  society  in  which  everything  can  be  safely  said,  in  which 
every  member  returns  a  true  echo,  in  which  a  wise  freedom, 
an  ideal  republic  of  sense,  simplicity,  knowledge,  and  thor- 
ough good-meaning  abide,  doubles  the  value  of  life;  .  .  . 
the  hunger  for  company  is  keen,  but  it  must  be  discrimi- 
nating, and  must  be  economized."  Would  that  we  could 
all  hope  to  enjoy  often  such  society  as  is  here  described, 
and  that  we  might  be  intellectually  and  morally  capable  of 
appreciating  it ! 

One  very  positive  use  of  society,  though  not  the  pleasant- 
est  one,  is  to  teach  us  our  own  limitations,  and  to  keep  down 
that  self-conceit  which,  like  a  cork,  is  forever  bobbing  up  to 
the  surface. 

Narcissus  met  his  foolish  fate  because  he  stayed  alone,  his 
eyes  and  thoughts  fixed  on  himself ;  if  he  had  been  content 
to  dwell  with  other  men,  he  would  never  have  been  the 
victim  of  his  own  vanity. 

Goldsmith  says,  "People  seldom  improve  when  they  have 
no  other  model  but  themselves  to  copy  after." 

The  chief  use  of  society,  it  seems  to  me,  is  threefold : 
first,  the  amusement  it  affords,  —  the  relaxation  from  care  so 
necessary  for  every  human  being  to  have ;  second,  the  good- 
will and  good-fellowship  that  it  promotes  between  men  and 
their  fellows ;  and  last,  but  not  least,  the  sharpening  of  the 
wits,  the  intensification  of  the  intellectual  powers,  which  it 
brings  to  pass  in  many  people.  Even  two  chips  of  wood 
if  rubbed  together  will  produce  flame  ;  and  even  two  dull 
wits  brought  in  contact  with  one  another,  will  throw  out 
more  light  than  either  could  do  alone1.  And  when  you 
assemble  in  one  company  men  of  brilliant  talents  instead 
of  dullards,  how  dazzling  is  the  effect !  The  electric  current 
of  intellectual  sympathy  runs  through  the  assembly,  and 


22  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

flashes  of  wit,  —  the  wit  that  is  wisdom,  —  of  brilliant  satire, 
and  of  sparkling  anecdote,  delight  the  lookers-on  at  such  a 
contest  of  intellectual  giants  ! 

Could  we  spare  from  our  literature  the  brilliant  things  that 
have  been  said  in  this  world,  and  said  in  society,  though  not 
always  at  court  balls  1  Great  as  are  the  delights  of  the  writ- 
ten word,  we  cannot  live  upon  them  alone.  Deaf-and-dumb 
people  are  proverbially  gloomy.  All  the  treasures  of  litera- 
ture may  lie  open  before  them,  but  the  spoken  word  of  their 
fellows,  the  social  word,  they  can  never  hear  nor  know  save 
in  image  and  dumb-show. 

In  one  of  Plato's  dialogues  we  have  an  exposition  of  the 
value  of  the  spoken  word  that  is  truly  wonderful.  Through 
the  mouth  of  Socrates  he  shows  us  how  it  may  leaven  the 
whole  world  of  thought.  This  would  not  be  an  astounding 
discovery  in  our  day,  since  the  modern  world  knows  that 
Christianity  was  taught  orally  ;  but  that  a  Greek  philosopher 
of  ancient  times  should  have  thought  it  out  before  the  Chris- 
tian Era,  shows  how  profound  was  his  reasoning,  how  keen 
his  insight !  These  wonderful  thoughts  were  worked  out 
largely  in  solitude ;  but  one  must  prepare  for  social  life 
in  solitude,  as  one  prepares  for  war  in  time  of  peace. 

Madame  de  Stael  said,  "  Fine  society  depraves  the  frivolous 
mind  and  braces  the  strong  one."  Those  who  live  for 
society,  to  whom  it  is  the  end  and  object  of  their  existence, 
instead  of  merely  a  means  of  agreeable  relaxation,  and  a 
pleasant  way  of  meeting  their  kind,  —  such  people  may 
fairly  be  considered  frivolous,  and  incur  the  reproach  of 
dissipation. 

The  poet  Cowper  says  :  — 

"  Man  in  society  is  like  a  flower 
Blown  in  its  native  bed.     'T  is  there  alone 
His  faculties  expanded  in  full  bloom 
Shine  out,  there  only  reach  their  proper  use. " 


THE  USES  OF  SOCIETY.  23 

Cynics  like  Byron  may  contend  that  society  creates  neither 
good-feeling  nor  mutual  kindness,  but  mankind  knows  better 
than  to  believe  them. 

"  Society  itself,  which  should  create 
Kindness,  destroys  what  little  we  had  got : 
To  feel  for  none  is  the  true  social  art 
Of  the  world's  stoics,  —  men  without  a  heart." 

These  lines  express  only  a  half-truth,  not  a  whole  one. 

Even  worldlings  give  us  unconsciously  a  proof  that  society 
promotes  good-will  among  its  members.  Do  not  many  of 
them  mingle  in  it  with  the  avowed  purpose  of  bettering 
their  fortunes  or  improving  their  business  1  Yet  how  could 
this  be  if  it  only  promoted  ill-will  and  contempt  among 
its  members  1  Do  people  help  the  fortunes  of  those  whom 
they  dislike,  or  intrust  their  business  to  those  whom  they 
despise  1 

The  man  who  affects  to  despise  society,  and  yet  mingles 
in  it  to  further  his  own  ends,  may  or  may  not  be  a  hypo- 
crite, but  he  lays  himself  open  to  the  charge  of  being  a  de- 
signing person,  who  makes  other  people  his  dupes  and  tools. 

It  would  be  foolish  to  deny  that  there  is  a  vast  amount  of 
humbug  and  of  empty  pretence  in  society ;  but  there  is 
something  more,  something  that  we  can  ill  do  without. 

Every  one  who  has  lived  for  any  length  of  time  in  the  real 
country  understands,  as  no  dweller  in  towns  can  understand, 
what  a  blessing  society  is  to  mankind.  Is  not  suicide 
especially  common  among  farmers'  wives,  who  cannot  en- 
dure the  dreary  solitude  and  endless  round  of  toil  in  which 
their  lives  are  spent  1  Rustics  coming  to  a  great  city  are 
like  men  who  taste  Avine  for  the  first  time,  —  the  crowds, 
the  life,  the  gayety,  all  intoxicate  them  ;  they  seem  to  be  in 
a  dream  of  fairy  enchantment  from  which,  alas !  a  rude 
wakening  follows  only  too  speedily. 


24  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

It  has  been  said  that  great  men  are  horn  in  the  country 
and  come  to  the  city  to  live.  This  is  not  altogether  true  ; 
hut  most  great  men,  and  may  I  not  say  all  great  women, 
have  found  their  account  in  social  rather  than  in  solitary 
life,  and  have  preferred  for  the  most  part  to  dwell  in  cities. 

Mrs.  Howe  in  her  treatise  on  "  Modern  Society  "  distin- 
guishes between  "  society  of  representation "  and  genuine 
society.  The  former  is  entirely  a  show-affair ;  and  the 
extreme  instance  of  it  which  she  cites  is  found  in  the  min- 
isterial balls  in  Paris,  where  the  guests  are  admitted  by  card, 
and  do  not  necessarily  know  their  host  and  hostess,  nor  need 
they  make  the  latter's  acquaintance.  The  whole  is  a  grand 
pageant,  but  no  introductions  are  given,  and  no  social  fusion 
takes  place. 

Mrs.  Howe  goes  on  to  say,  "Now,  this  I  call  society  of 
representation.  It  bears  about  the  same  relation  to  genuine 
society  that  scene-painting  bears  to  a  carefully-finished  pic- 
ture. People  of  culture  and  education  enjoy  a  peep  at  this 
spectacular  drama  of  the  social  stage,  but  their  idea  of  society 
would  be  something  very  different  from  this.  Where  this 
show-society  monopolizes  the  resources  of  a  community,  it  im- 
plies either  a  dearth  of  intellectual  resources  or  a  great  mis- 
apprehension of  what  is  really  delightful  and  profitable  in 
social  intercourse.  .  .  .  No  gift  can  make  rich  those  who  are 
poor  in  wisdom.  The  wealth  which  should  build  up  society 
will  pull  it  down  if  its  possession  lead  to  fatal  luxury  and 
indulgence." 


CHAPTER   IV. 

THE   FRANKNESS   OF   MODERN   MANNERS. 

RICHARD  GRANT  WHITE,  who  was  a  man  not  inclined  to 
mince  matters,  boldly  and  calmly  asserted  that  there  was 
no  such  thing  as  English  grammar !  English  grammar,  in 
the  opinion  of  this  gentleman,  was  only  a  sort  of  old- 
fashioned  myth,  invented  and  kept  alive  by  pedagogues 
for  the  torture  of  unoffending  youth  of  both  sexes. 

It  has  occurred  to  me  that  if  some  departed  worthy  of 
the  last  century  should  again  return  to  this  earth  and  this 
country,  it  would  strike  him  that  our  grammar  was  well 
enough,  and  our  spelling  really  fine ;  but  as  regards  our 
manners,  would  he  be  apt  to  observe  that  we  had  any  in 
particular  ?  I  fear  he  would  not ;  certainly  he  would  find 
little  to  correspond  with  the  manners  of  his  own  day.  And 
yet  he  would  be  greatly  mistaken  if  he  supposed  that  man- 
ners had  gone  entirely  out  of  fashion,  lingering  only  in  remote 
places  in  the  country,  and  surviving  in  the  cities  merely 
among  a  few  old-fashioned  and  conservative  people. 

The  manners  of  the  present  day,  despite  a  great  deal  that 
is  said  against  them,  have  a  certain  merit  that  is  all  their 
own,  —  the  merit  of  frankness  and  honesty.  Furthermore, 
they  fit  the  time,  and  suit  the  last  quarter  of  the  nineteenth 
century  much  better  than  if  we  masqueraded  in  the  courtly 
and  elaborate  manners  of  our  grandfathers,  who  were  perhaps 
a  little  more  sentimental,  a  little  more  ideal  than  we  are, 


26  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

and  whose  ceremonies  were  not  curtailed  by  the  constant 
necessity  of  catching  trains. 

It  seems  to  me  that  frankness  is  one  of  the  most  striking 
features  of  our  modern  manners.  People  have  got  tired  of 
all  the  formality,  all  the  ceremony  that  was  once  thought 
necessary  to  good  breeding.  The  circumlocution  office  has 
gone  out  of  fashion  in  good  society,  which  has  discovered 
that  a  straight  line  is  the  shortest  distance  between  two 
points.  Curves,  no  doubt,  are  more  beautiful  than  straight 
lines ;  but  what  would  you  1  Curves  take  time ;  and  what 
a  pity  it  would  be  to  lose  time  that  might  be  so  much  more 
profitably  spent  in  the  sacred  business  of  amusement ! 

We  have  lost  our  belief  in  many  things  in  these  days,  and 
among  others,  in  lying,  —  that  is,  in  polite  lying.  Whether 
this  is  from  any  access  of  virtue  on  our  part  is  more  than 
doubtful.  Perhaps  it  is  rather  that  people  just  now  value  the 
noble  art  of  lying  too  highly  to  use  it  lightly.  It  is  of  course 
needed  constantly  in  business,  so  why  waste  it  on  mere  mat- 
ters of  ceremony  1  Besides,  the  truth,  after  all,  is  more  direct, 
and  easier  to  tell ;  so,  since  the  polite  world  has  agreed  to  tell 
it  in  many  instances,  what  fashion  is  easier  to  follow  1 

Ceremony  is  in  a  great  measure  humbug ;  that  is  to  say, 
it  consists  largely  in  saying  and  doing  things  one  does  not 
mean,  and  which  the  other  side  knows  one  doesuot  mean. 
Take,  for  instance,  the  Spanish  custom  of  bestowing  any 
article  that  is  admired,  on  the  person  who  admires  it.  It 
is  perhaps  a  pretty  little  piece  of  acting ;  but  would  it  not 
be  difficult  for  one  of  our  Northern  race  to  go  through  this 
polite  humbug  without  a  smile  at  the  farce  1  Our  directness 
may  be  brutal,  but  it  has  this  advantage,  —  you  know  on 
what  ground  you  are  standing. 

A  good  illustration  of  the  greater  frankness  of  manners  in 
this  day  is,  that  it  is  no  longer  considered  necessary  to  say 
that  you  have  had  a  good  time,  when  taking  leave  of  your 


FRANKNESS  OF  MODERN  MANNERS.  27 

hostess  after  a  dinner-party  or  other  entertainment.  What  a 
saving  of  white  lies  would  have  been  effected  if  this  simple 
and  self-evident  rule  had  been  adopted  at  the  first  primeval 
tea-party ! 

It  is  interesting  to  note  that  according  to  Buddhist  tradi- 
tion the  first  lie  was  told  by  a  king,  and  was  therefore  no 
doubt  a  white,  or  society  lie.  The  citizens  who  heard  it 
were  even  more  innocent  than  George  Washington.  He,  at 
least,  knew  what  a  lie  was,  if  he  did  n't  know  how  to  tell 
one ;  but  these  poor  people  were  utterly  ignorant  on  the  sub- 
ject, and  asked  whether  a  lie  was  white,  black,  or  blue  !  It 
is  to  be  feared  that  the  blue  lie  has  disappeared  from  the  face 
of  the  earth,  unless  it  survives  in  that  kind  of  swearing  which 
is  said  to  turn  the  air  blue. 

It  was  the  custom,  not  so  many  years  ago,  for  a  hostess, 
when  bidding  adieu  to  ladies  calling  upon  her,  to  accompany 
them  as  far  as  the  door  of  the  house.  This  fashion,  like  so 
many  others  involving  time  and  trouble,  has  gone  out  of 
style,  though  some  people  still  keep  it  up.  As  it  prolongs 
the  agony  of  leave-taking  indefinitely,  and  often  keeps  the 
hostess  standing  in  the  cold  of  the  open  doorway,  it  would 
seem  to  be  a  custom  more  honored  in  the  breach  than  in  the 
observance. 

But  how  different  was  the  old-fashioned  view  of  the  matter ! 
How  well  do  I  remember  a  most  polite  old  lady  in  New  York, 
who  has  now  been  dead  for  many  years  !  She  always  insisted 
upon  opening  the  door  for  her  visitors,  —  the  door  through 
which  she  herself  had  not  ventured  to  pass  for  twenty  years. 
She  was  over  eighty  years  of  age,  and  very  rheumatic ;  but 
she  ivould  do  what  politeness  required  of  her,  as  long  as  she 
could  walk. 

Another  very  noticeable  change  in  manners  is  in  the  form 
of  address.  It  is  no  longer  considered  necessary,  or  even 
the  right  thing,  to  say  "  Yes,  madam,"  or  "  Yes,  sir."  The 


28  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

"  Mum "  in  which  Uncle  Pumblechook  delighted  is  a  thing 
of  the  past,  and  with  it  "ma'am,"  or  "rn'in,"  is  also  depart- 
ing from  our  midst.  This  is  certainly  carrying  out  the 
Scriptural  injunction,  "  Let  your  communication  be  yea,  yea ; 
nay,  nay ; "  but  it  is  very  doubtful  whether  the  change  is 
due  to  any  religious  feeling  or  scruple.  No,  it  is  a  simple 
following  of  the  English  custom,  though  it  fits  well  enough, 
perhaps,  with  republican  simplicity. 

In  the  mouths  of  children,  the  simple  monosyllables  "  yes  " 
and  "  no  "  certainly  sound  a  little  startling  when  addressed  to 
their  elders ;  but  what  would  you  ?  Autre  temps,  autres  mceurs. 
It  seems  a  pity  to  bring  children  up  to  use  forms  of  expres- 
sion that  are  fast  becoming  obsolete ;  and  the  child  who  has 
been  taught  from  its  earliest  infancy  to  speak  thus,  sees  no 
impropriety  or  disrespect  to  age  in  so  doing. 

After  all,  when  we  look  into  the  matter,  "  sir  "  is  short  for 
"  sire,"  —  a  title  savoring  strongly  of  monarchies,  and  there- 
fore to  be  avoided  by  good  democrats,  using  the  word  in  its 
broad  sense.  "  Madame,"  French  Ma  dame,  —  "  my  lady,"  — 
is  a  hardly  more  desirable  title  in  these  days,  when  the  word 
"  lady  "  has  been  so  abused  that  those  Avho  perhaps  have 
the  best  claim  to  it  use  it  but  little,  preferring  the  broader 
term  "woman,"  and  for  young  lady,  "girl." 

There  is  something  quite  delightful  in  this  abandonment  of 
the  much-abused  words  "  lady  "  and  "  gentleman  "  by  those 
to  whom,  in  the  old  sense,  the  words  exclusively  applied. 
They  make  no  protest  against  "  washer-ladies,"  or  gentlemen 
who  need  to  be  told  "  not  to  spit  on  the  cabin  floor,  out  of 
respect  for  the  ladies ; "  but  with  quiet  satire  they  are  content 
to  call  themselves  simply  men  and  women,  as  the  English 
nobleman  signs  himself  "  Argyle  "  or  "  Dufferiu." 

In  this  country,  where  all  are  free  and  equal,  and  where 
our  forms  of  address  are  so  simple  and  democratic,  we  do  not 
realize  the  caste  spirit,  the  degradation  and  corresponding 


FRANKNESS  OF  MODERN  MANNERS.  29 

elevation  implied  in  the  use  of  different  persons  of  the  verb 
in  European  countries.  An  Italian  —  a  political  refugee  in 
the  old  troublous  times  of  Italy  —  explained  to  his  pupils 
with  considerable  warmth  that  republicans  in  Italy  repu- 
diated as  slavish  the  old  mode  of  address,  namely,  the  use 
of  the  third  person  singular  feminine,  lei,  or,  as  we  should 
say,  "  she."  He  said  it  meant  sa  majesta  —  "  her  majesty  "  — 
and  of  course  was  a  really  servile  mode  of  address  not  to  be 
tolerated  by  freedom-loving  republicans.  In  the  same  way, 
in  Germany,  only  servants  or  inferiors  are  spoken  to  in  the 
second  person  plural.  All  others  are  addressed  in  the  third 
person  plural,  —  "  they,"  —  save  relatives  and  intimates,  who 
are  called  "  thou." 

Many  of  the  changes  in  social  customs  that  have  taken 
place  in  this  country  are  owing  to  the  great  growth  of  society 
itself.  Formerly,  when  the  country  was  comparatively  small, 
and  people  of  good  breeding  comparatively  rare,  society,  so 
called,  was  very  much  smaller  than  it  is  now,  and  the  relations 
of  those  belonging  to  it  were  necessarily  more  personal,  even 
if  more  formal.  The  hostess  felt  more  responsibility  for  the 
entertainment  of  her  guests,  and  took  more  pains  to  see  that 
they  were  amused  and  comfortable,  than  it  is  now  customary 
to  take.  The  lady  of  the  house  was  temporarily  a  social 
queen,  and  her  guests  were  her  subjects  ;  now  a  party  or  a 
ball  is  simply  a  republic  where  all  are  equal,  —  at  least,  where 
the  fact  of  being  hostess  gives  little  title  to  distinction  or 
prominence. 

As  a  logical  result  of  these  new  theories  the  uncomforta- 
ble custom  of  pressing  your  guests  to  eat,  has  been  happily 
relegated  to  past  ages.  It  is  assumed,  and  very  properly, 
that  a  guest  is  not,  or  ought  not  to  be,  afraid  to  eat  as  much 
as  he  wants;  so  while  everything  on  the  table  should  be 
handed  to  him,  he  should  not  be  urged  to  eat  this,  that,  or 
the  other. 


30  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

This  idea  of  the  propriety  of  pressing  guests  to  eat  or  drink, 
evidently  had  its  origin  in  a  more  primitive  state  of  society, 
and  in  times  when  social  gatherings  were  not  so  numerous 
as  now.  The  regular  society  habitue*  of  these  days  goes  too 
constantly  into  the  gay  world,  to  stand  in  the  slightest  awe 
of  his  hostess,  or  of  any  one  else,  and  is  quite  to  be  trusted 
to  look  after  his  own  interests. 

Another  custom  in  which  we  have  improved  on  the  ways 
of  our  forefathers  is  that  of  allowing  each  person  to  pay  for 
himself,  whether  in  public  conveyances,  or  at  the  theatre 
and  other  places  of  amusement.  Of  course  this  does  not 
apply  to  formal  opera  or  theatre  parties,  where  the  invita- 
tions all  come  from  one  person,  who  buys  and  pays  for  all 
the  tickets  himself.  But  the  theory  that  a  ladyjs  never  to 
be  allowed  to  pay  anything  for  herself,  even  in  a  horse-car, 
is  obsolescent,  if  not  obsolete.  A  gentleman  should  certainly 
offer  to  pay  for  a  lady  on  such  occasions,  but  he  should  not 
insist  upon  doing  so.  If  she  evidently  prefers  to  pay  her 
own  way,  she  should  be  allowed  that  privilege,  without  a 
prolonged  discussion.  It  is  no  longer  "  good  form  "  for  two 
people  to  vie  with  each  other  in  politeness. 

Still  another  evidence  of  the  greater  frankness  and  directness 
of  modern  society,  of  the  fact  that  matters  are  placed  more 
nearly  on  a  business  footing  now  than  formerly,  is  to  be  found 
in  the  change  in  methods  of  shopping.  No  one  now  has  the 
time  or  the  inclination  to  haggle  over  prices  when  on  a  shop- 
ping tour ;  nor  would  it  be  of  any  use,  in  most  cases,  to  do 
so.  And  yet,  in  the  times  of  our  mothers  and  grandmothers, 
"  cheapening  "  was  a  necessary  part  of  the  art  of  purchasing. 

Of  course  in  the  wholesale  business  it  still  prevails  almost 
without  exception  ;  but  let  us  rejoice  that  in  ordinary  shop- 
ping, at  least,  we  no  longer  need  to  fight  these  wordy  and 
long-winded  battles  where  one  party  or  the  other  surrenders 
from  sheer  exhaustion. 


FRANKNESS  OF  MODERN   MANNERS.  31 

There  are  some  people  who  still  persist  in  cutting  down 
every  bill  that  is  rendered  to  them ;  but  it  is  to  be  more 
than  suspected  that  their  tradespeople  soon  come  to  un- 
derstand this  little  weakness,  and  make  the  accounts  out  to 
meet  it. 


CHAPTER   V. 

VISITING  CARDS   AND   THEIR  USES. 

WE  do  not  often  associate  in  our  minds  the  famous  Magna 
Charta  of  English  history,  the  source  of  so  great  a  part  of  our 
modern  liberty,  and  the  insignificant  bits  of  pasteboard  which 
constitute  modern  visiting  cards.  Nevertheless,  they  come 
from  the  same  Greek  root,  signifying  paper;  or,  to  speak 
more  exactly,  card  is  derived  from  charta  (Greek  ^apr^s). 
Thus  the  sword  is  beat  into  the  ploughshare,  and  the  formal 
instrument  for  fettering  the  caprices  of  tyrants  softens  into 
the  peaceful  emblem  of  social  recognition. 

In  the  ancient  "  cartel  of  defiance  "  we  find  a  more  directly 
hostile  meaning  to  our  word  —  with  a  slight  change  in  its 
form  —  than  in  charter.  A  cartel  means,  among  other  things, 
a  challenge  to  single  combat.  Ben  Jonson  says,  "  You  shall 
cartel  him."  Where  two  strangers  quarrel,  the  one  who  has 
reason  to  expect  a  challenge  presents  his  opponent  with  his 
card,  so  that  the  latter  may  know  where  to  find  him,  —  a 
pleasant  little  courteous  preliminary  to  the  most  polite  form 
of  murder,  the  duel. 

Under  ordinary  circumstances,  however,  the  exchange  of 
visiting  cards  is  an  eminently  peaceful  act,  and  would  at 
the  first  blush  seem  to  be  a  very  simple  affair.  But  with 
the  perverse  ingenuity  in  which  the  human  mind  delights, 
mankind,  or  rather  womankind,  has  involved  even  this  ap- 


VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIR  USES.  33 

parently  innocent  ceremony  in  a  large  amount  of  red  tape 
and  confusion.  Nothing  would  appear  to  be  simpler  than 
for  one  neighbor  to  leave  her  card  upon  another ;  but  it  is 
just  such  apparently  insignificant  acts,  such  "first  steps, " 
that  have  embroiled  nations  in  countless  wars. 

"  Oh,  what  a  tangled  web  we  weave, 
When  first  we  practise  cards  to  leave  !  " 

The  following  somewhat  detailed  account  of  visiting  cards 
and  their  chief  uses  is  submitted,  in  the  hope  that  it  may 
prove  of  use.  It  has  been  compiled  from  three  sources,  — 
personal  experience ;  the  works  on  the  subject  written  by  the 
best  and  most  recent  authorities ;  and  last,  but  not  least,  from 
consultations  with  divers  wise,  witty,  and  fashionable  women, 
to  whom  all  the  "  newest  fads "  on  both  sides  of  the  water 
are  as  familiar  as  A,  B,  C. 

Visiting  cards  should  be  engraved  in  script,  fine  rather 
than  large,  and  should  be  of  unglazed  cardboard.  They 
should  be  perfectly  plain,  that  is,  without  ornamentation  of 
any  sort ;  a  fine,  rather  thin  pasteboard  is  usually  preferred 
for  them.  Indeed,  very  little  room  for  individual  taste  is 
allowed  in  the  matter  of  cards,  which  resemble  each  other 
much  as  one  dress-suit  resembles  the  next.  German  text  is 
sometimes  used  for  engraving  the  names,  but  it  is  more  apt 
to  go  out  of  style  than  plain  script.  Very  fine  lettering, 
like  any  other  singularity,  is  in  bad  taste.  Gentlemen's 
cards  are  smaller  than  ladies',  and  are  also  narrower  in  pro- 
portion to  their  length.  It  was  formerly  a  mooted  point 
whether  a  gentleman's  visiting  card  looked  better  with  or 
without  "  Mr."  prefixed  to  his  name.  Almost  all  young  men 
of  fashion  now  use  the  "  Mr.,"  which  is  considered  to  be  in 
better  form. 

For  a  lady  there  is  no  room  for  choice  in  the  matter.  She 
must  always  use  "  Miss  "  or  "  Mrs."  on  her  visiting  card.  If 

3 


34  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

a  young  lady,  she  may  use  either  her  initials  or  her  full  name, 
but  never  a  nickname.  "  Miss  Mamie  Smith  "  on  a  card  is 
in  very  bad  form.  Nicknames  are  all  very  -well  at  home,  or 
among  intimate  friends,  but  they  are  out  of  place  on  a  visit- 
ing card  because  they  are  too  familiar ;  and  a  card  is,  or  should 
be,  a  formal  matter.  It  is  now  the  fashion  for  young  ladies 
to  have  their  names  printed  in  full,  thus  :  — 


isViida 


Indeed,  every  one  who  has  a  middle  name,  now  displays  it 
on  his  or  her  card. 

An  army  or  navy  officer,  a  physician,  a  judge,  or  a  minister 
may  use  his  title  on  his  card.  For  a  physician,  "  M.  D."  is 
preferable  to  "  Dr.,"  because  the  latter  is  such  a  very  vague 
term,  and  means  so  many  different  things.  Militia  or  com- 
plimentary titles  are  not  used  on  visiting  cards,  nor  are 
coats-of-arms.  In  this  republican  country  it  is  considered 
an  affectation  and  in  bad  taste  thus  to  make  use  of  them. 

Husband  and  wife  do  not  often  now  have  their  names  en- 
graved on  the  same  card,  except  for  wedding  cards,  or  for 
sending  wedding  presents,  etc.  For  visiting,  each  gentleman 
of  the  family  has  his  own  card,  although,  sooth  to  say,  he 
seldom  leaves  it  himself,  intrusting  that  duty  to  his  wife,  his 
mother,  or  his  sisters. 

Every  one's  card  should  have  the  address  of  the  owner 
engraved  in  the  right-hand  corner ;  that  is  to  say,  the  street 
and  the  number  where  he  lives,  but  not  the  name  of  the 
city.  If  a  lady  lias  a  reception  day,  it  is  engraved  usually 
in  the  left-hand  corner.  The  address  is  often  omitted  from 
the  cards  of  very  young  ladies,  and  sometimes  from  those  of 


VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIR  USES.  35 

married  ladies,  in  which  case  the  card  of  the  husband,  with  the 
address,  must  always  be  left.  Young  men  belonging  to  a  fash- 
ionable or  well-known  club  often  put  its  name,  instead  of  their 
residence,  on  their  cards.  This  is  especially  the  case  where 
they  do  not  live  at  home,  but  board  or  have  rooms  in  the  city. 

A  married  lady  should  have  her  husband's  full  name  or 
his  initials  on  her  card,  and  not  her  own.  Even  where  a 
woman  occupies  a  prominent  position  in  the  world  of  art  or 
letters  she  usually  follows  this  rule,  especially  if  she  is  at 
the  same  time  what  is  technically  termed  "  a  society  woman." 
Where  the  last  name  is  not  a  very  common  one,  a  lady  some- 
times compromises  the  matter  by  using  no  initials,  and  calling 
herself  simply  "Mrs.  Dunbar."  But  she  has  not,  strictly 
speaking,  a  right  to  put  "  Mrs.  Dunbar  "  on  her  card,  unless 
her  husband  is  the  eldest  married  man  of  his  family,  or  be- 
longs to  the  eldest  branch  of  it.  Thus,  where  there  are  two 
brothers  who  are  both  married,  the  wife  of  the  elder  one  only 
can  use  "  Mrs.  Dunbar "  on  her  card.  But  if  her  husband 
has  an  uncle,  even  though  he  may  be  a  younger  man  than 
his  nephew,  this  right  belongs  to  his  (the  uncle's)  wife. 

The  same  rule  holds  good  for  unmarried  ladies.  The  eld- 
est single  daughter  of  the  eldest  brother,  and  she  alone,  has 
a  right  to  use  "  Miss  Cavendish  "  on  her  card,  although  she 
may  have  a  cousin  who  is  much  older  than  herself  but  who 
is  the  daughter  of  a  younger  brother  of  the  same  family. 

The  existence  of  an  aged  aunt,  or  cousin  belonging  to  an 
elder  branch,  will  deprive  both  young  ladies  of  this  coveted 
privilege. 

In  this  country,  where  we  are  considered  by  foreigners  as 
being  so  very  radical,  we  are  in  reality  more  conservative  in 
the  matter  of  merging  a  married  woman's  name  in  that  of 
her  husband  than  are  most  European  nations.  An  English- 
woman of  rank  keeps  her  own  title,  where  she  marries  a  man 
of  inferior  station.  If  Lady  Evelina  Stuart  marries  Mr.  John 


36 


SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 


Smith,  she  becomes  Lady  Evelina  Smith,  and  not  Mrs.  John 
Smith.  So,  on  the  Continent,  it  is  quite  common  for  a 
married  woman  to  keep  her  maiden  name  in  addition  to  her 
husband's,  the  husband's  name  being  placed  first. 

A  widow  has  no  legal  right  to  use  her  husband's  initials ; 
but  she  often  prefers  to  retain  them  on  her  card,  and  it  is 
entirely  proper  for  her  to  do  so,  the  question  being  one  of 
sentiment  and  feeling  alone.  Where  a  widow  has  a  son 
who  is  married,  and  whose  name  is  the  same  as  his  father's, 
there  may  arise  some  confusion,  however,  between  the  two 
"Mrs.  T.  E.  Jones,"  unless  the  elder  lady  puts  "Sr."  on 
her  cards,  as  she  sometimes  does.  Widows  often  use  their 
own  names  or  initials,  as  "  Mrs.  Mary  Jones,"  and  it  is 
perhaps  less  confusing  for  them  to  do  so. 

The  custom  of  having  the  names  of  the  daughter  or 
daughters  engraved  below  that  of  their  mother  is  growing 
in  favor.  Thus  :  — 


i^WM 


or 


Indeed,  those  who  are  strict  in  the  matter  of  etiquette  say 
that  a  young  lady  should  not  leave  her  own  card  without 


VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIR  USES.  37 

that  of  her  mother  or  chaperone  during  her  first  year  in 
society.  English  etiquette  is  much  stricter  ;  according  to  its 
rules  a  young  lady  has  no  card  of  her  own,  her  name  being 
engraved  on  that  of  her  mother. 

When  must  one  call  personally,  and  when  will  it  suffice 
to  send  cards  by  a  servant  or  through  the  post  1  These  are 
questions  not  so  thoroughly  settled  in  this  country  as  in 
Europe,  where  the  social  treadmill  has  been  so  long  in  full 
operation  that  as  a  matter  of  necessity  its  laws  have  become 
definitely  fixed. 

As  society  increases  in  size,  there  is  a  growing  tendency  in 
our  large  cities  toward  simplifying  the  burden  of  social  duties. 
It  is  not  now  considered  necessary  to  call  in  person  under 
various  circumstances  where  formerly  the  rule  was  that  one 
must  do  so.  Even  the  post-office  is  coming  gradually  into 
requisition  as  an  agent  for  discharging  social  obligations; 
but  as  yet  it  is  only  sparingly  used,  and  with  definite 
limitations. 

Thus  P.  P.  C.  cards  may  be  sent  by  mail,  where  the  person 
leaving  town  has  not  the  time  to  make  a  personal  visit. 
Also,  where  one  is  unable  to  attend  a  reception,  or  an  after- 
noon tea,  cards  may  be  sent  by  mail  (it  is  better  to  send 
them  by  a  messenger),  to  arrive  on  the  day  of  the  entertain- 
ment. This  relieves  the  sender  from  the  necessity  of  making 
a  subsequent  call ;  indeed,  the  unspeakable  advantage  of 
afternoon  teas,  kettledrums,  and  receptions  is,  that  you  enjoy 
your  party  and  make  your  visit  all  at  the  same  time.  It  is 
an  economic  device  worthy  the  brain  of  a  John  Stuart  Mill, 
and  possibly  secretly  invented  by  him.  The  great  popularity 
of  afternoon  teas  no  doubt  arises  from  the  fact  that  they  are 
time-saving  institutions. 

Usually  the  servant  who  opens  the  door  on  these  occasions 
has  a  little  silver  salver  in  his  hand  for  the  cards  of  guests  ; 
otherwise,  guests  leave  their  cards  on  the  hall  table,  as  a 


38  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

reminder  to  their  hostess,  who  can  hardly  be  expected  to 
remember,  after  a  large  reception,  every  one  who  has  been 
there. 

When  should  P.  P.  C.  cards  be  left  or  sent  ?  P.  P.  C.,  it 
is  hardly  necessary  to  say,  means  Pour  Prendre  Conge"  (to 
take  one's  leave).  Sometimes  it  is  abbreviated  thus,  P.  p.  c., 
or  p.  p.  c.,  but  the  capitals  are  used  oftener  than  the  small 
letters.  These  cards  are  used  when  one  is  going  away  from 
a  place  either  permanently  or  for  quite  a  length  of  time ;  and 
"  P.  P.  C."  is  written  in  a  corner  of  the  card,  usually  the  lower 
right-hand  one,  to  emphasize  this  fact.  One  does  not  leave 
them,  however,  when  about  to  go  out  of  town  for  the  summer, 
since  this  is  only  a  brief  absence,  and  an  absence  that  is  made 
by  most  people.  On  the  other  hand,  it  is  quite  proper  to 
send  or  leave  P.  P.  C.  cards  when  one  goes  away  from  a 
watering-place  or  other  summer  resort,  especially  if  the  people 
to  whom  you  send  them  do  not  live  in  the  same  city  or  town 
with  yourself  during  the  rest  of  the  year.  The  obvious  reason 
for  the  propriety  of  sending  these  cards  in  lieu  of  making  a 
personal  visit  is,  that  when  people  go  away  they  are  almost 
always  hurried ;  indeed,  they  are  often  obliged  to  leave  very 
suddenly,  and  under  such  circumstances  that  making  visits 
would  be  an  impossibility. 

Gentlemen  in  New  York  often  send  their  cards  by  post, 
instead  of  calling,  on  New  Year's  Day,  now  that  New  Year's 
calls  are  going  so  rapidly  out  of  fashion  there.  Some  people 
do  not  approve  of  this  custom,  and  think  that  a  gentleman 
should  either  call,  or  take  no  notice  of  the  day. 

But  there  are  certain  visits  which  must  be  made  personally 
if  one  does  not  wish  to  break  the  rules  of  good  society  and 
perhaps  deeply  offend  people.  After  one  has  been  invited 
to  a  dinner-party,  one  must  call  within  a  week  after  the  occa- 
sion, —  call  in  person,  and  ask  if  the  hostess  is  at  home.  A 
dinner-party  is  one  of  the  most  solemn  obligations  of  society ; 


VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIR  USES.  39 

if  you  accept  an  invitation  to  one,  only  death  or  mortal 
illness  is  a  legitimate  excuse  for  not  attending  it,  and  you 
must  have  nearly  as  good  a  reason  for  not  calling  promptly 
after  it. 

According  to  the  strict  rule,  one  should  also  call  within  a 
week  after  any  entertainment  to  which  one  has  been  invited ; 
but  this  is  often  impossible,  and  resembles  one  of  those  rules 
ia  the  Latin  Grammar  which  have  such  a  long  list  of  "  ex- 
ceptions "  that  the  rule  itself  seems  quite  dwarfed  and  insig- 
nificant beside  them.  The  actual  or  "  working  "  rule  is  that 
one  calls,  after  every  invitation,  as  soon  as  is  practicable.  In 
Xew  York,  it  is  allowable  to  send  your  card,  although  people 
of  the  old-fashioned  sort  would  hardly  think  it  the  right  thing 
to  do.  In  Boston,  it  is  more  the  custom  to  call  in  person, 
and  very  properly,  because  Boston  is  a  smaller  city,  and  the 
distances  are  not  so  immense  as  in  New  York,  whose  extreme 
narrowness  of  shape  increases  the  effect  of  its  great  size.  A 
pious  subterfuge  is  practised,  however,  in  the  Puritan  City 
and  elsewhere,  by  which  you  send  your  empty  carriage,  the 
footman  accompanying  it  and  leaving  cards. 

Society  holds  young  people,  and  people  who  have  plenty 
of  leisure  time,  much  more  strictly  to  account  in  the  matter 
of  visiting  than  it  does  elderly  persons,  or  those  whose  hands 
are  so  full  that  they  have  comparatively  little  time  to  give 
to  the  claims  of  social  life.  A  young  mother  with  a  nursery 
full  of  little  ones,  a  literary  woman,  an  artist,  a  professional 
woman,  —  all  these  are  allowed  a  certain  immunity  from 
social  duties.  But  no  young  lady  must  expect  to  find  herself 
excused  from  paying  calls  because  she  is  "  too  busy  having  a 
good  time."  If  she  can  go  to  a  party  to  amuse  herself,  she 
must  call  afterwards  to  acknowledge  the  attention  her  hostess 
has  paid  her  by  the  invitation. 

How  often  is  it  necessary  to  pay  formal  calls  ]  Where  no 
invitations  have  been  received,  once  a  year  is  all  that  the 


40  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

strict  rules  of  society  require  in  large  cities.  According  to 
some  authorities  it  is  sufficient  for  such  a  formal  call  to  leave 
cards  at  the  door,  or  even  to  send  them  in  an  envelope ;  but 
it  certainly  seems  more  cordial  and  friendly  to  make  the 
yearly  call  in  person,  and  to  ask  at  the  door  if  the  ladies  are 
receiving,  if  one  can  possibly  spare  the  time  to  do  so. 

As  many  servants  in  this  country  cannot  reconcile  it  to 
their  consciences  to  say  a  lady  is  "  not  at  home  "  when  she 
is  in  the  house,  it  is  often  a  wise  precaution  for  the  visitor 
to  ask  if  the  ladies  are  receiving  on  that  day.  Thus  the  con- 
science of  Betty,  which  is  curiously  tender  on  this  one  point, 
considering  her  habitual  views  of  truth,  is  spared,  and  the 
caller  is  often  relieved  from  the  necessity  of  making  a  formal 
call  for  which  she  perhaps  has  not  really  time.  The  servant 
too,  from  the  form  of  the  inquiry,  and  from  seeing  cards  in 
the  visitor's  hands,  is  enabled  to  distinguish  between  a 
ceremonious  caller  and  a  friend  of  her  mistress  who  really 
wishes  to  see  the  lady  of  the  house. 

Where  there  are  several  ladies  in  the  house,  it  is  usual  for 
a  caller  to  leave  two  cards ;  even  three  are  sometimes  left, 
where  there  is  some  stranger  also  staying  in  the  house.  But 
do  not  be  too  prodigal  with  your  pasteboard,  because  that 
would  seem  a  little  ostentatious,  —  a  little  like  "overdoing." 
It  is  said  that  one  lady  should  never  leave  more  than  three 
of  her  own  cards  at  the  same  house  ;  she  may  of  course 
leave  cards  for  the  other  members  of  her  family,  in  modera- 
tion. It  is  becoming  quite  customary  for  a  wife  to  leave  her 
husband's  cards,  and  indeed  for  any  lady  to  leave  the  cards 
of  the  gentlemen  of  her  family  even  when  she  herself  is  ad- 
mitted and  pays  her  visit.  In  this  case  she  leaves  them  on 
the  hall  table. 

The  custom  of  receiving  on  a  certain  day  in  the  week  is 
a  sensible  and  hospitable  one,  but  alas !  it  takes  up  a  great 
deal  of  time.  Where  a  lady  thus  sets  apart  a  certain  day  for 


VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIR  USES.  41 

receiving  her  friends,  it  is  much  more  polite  to  call  on  that 
day  of  the  week  when  it  is  possible  to  do  so.  Especially  is 
this  the  case  when  the  ladies  of  one  neighborhood  or  of  one 
street  fix  on  the  same  day  for  receiving  friends.  But  the 
case  is  quite  otherwise  when  a  lady  sends  out  cards  announc- 
ing that  she  is  "  at  home  "  on  "  Wednesdays  in  January  and 
February."  If  one  knows  that  a  lady  has  thus  issued  cards 
for  a  series  of  receptions,  even  though  they  be  quite  informal 
occasions,  one  should  avoid  calling  on  those  particular  days 
unless  one  has  received  a  card  with  the  necessary  invitation. 

The  custom  of  sending  out  cards  for  a  certain  day  through- 
out one  month  is  a  very  good  one ;  a  lady  is  thus  enabled 
to  receive  her  friends  very  informally,  without  giving  up  a 
great  deal  of  her  time,  and  she  also  avoids  the  "  crash "  that 
is  apt  to  ensue  if  she  gives  only  a  single  afternoon  tea  or 
reception. 

The  custom  of  cornering  cards  or  turning  them  down  at 
one  end  is  going  out  of  fashion.  This  is  certainly  cause  for 
rejoicing,  because  the  exact  meanings  of  the  various  turnings 
have  never  been  clearly  established  and  understood  in  this 
country,  as  they  are  in  Europe. 

According  to  the  doctrine  that  is  usually  received  here,  the 
turning  down  of  one  end  (ordinarily  the  right  end)  indicates 
that  you  have  called  in  person,  while  turning  down  one 
corner,  usually  the  right  upper  one,  means  that  the  card  is 
left  for  more  than  one  person.  Old-fashioned  authorities  in- 
sist that  a  card  ought  always  to  be  turned  down  across  the 
whole  end,  or  else  the  recipient  will  suppose  that  the  visitor 
has  not  called  in  person.  This  may  have  been  true  ten  or 
fifteen  years  ago ;  it  certainly  is  not  true  now.  The  custom 
of  to-day  is  to  leave  the  cards  without  any  turnings,  unless 
in  calling  upon  people  of  the  old  school,  in  which  case  a 
lady  would  be  apt  to  turn  down  her  card,  lest  it  might  be 
supposed  that  she  had  not  come  in  person. 


42  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

If  she  happened  to  have  only  one  card  remaining,  and 
there  was  a  visitor  staying  in  the  house,  she  would  impress 
on  the  servant's  mind  that  the  card  was  meant  for  both 
ladies,  or  she  might  write  on  it  "  For  Mrs.  Jenckes  and  Mrs. 
Appleton."  Where  only  one  card  is  left,  it  is  always  held 
to  be  for  the  lady  of  the  house. 

After  a  removal  from  one  part  of  a  city  to  another,  it  is 
now  becoming  customary  for  ladies  to  send  cards  engraved 
with  their  new  address  to  all  their  circle  of  acquaintance. 
These  cards  serve  instead  of  a  personal  visit,  as  people  evi- 
dently cannot  make  calls  in  the  confusion  consequent  upon 
moving,  and  settling  in  a  new  house. 

Although  authorities  differ  on  many  subjects  connected 
with  manners,  they  all  agree  in  saying  that  first  calls  should 
be  promptly  returned,  —  within  a  week,  under  ordinary  cir- 
cumstances. Brides  who  upon  their  marriage  go  to  live  in 
another  city  sometimes  give  great  offence  by  neglecting  to 
return  visits  of  this  sort :  and  it  is  entirely  reasonable  and 
natural  that  those  who  pay  a  first  call,  which  is  equivalent 
to  an  offer  to  make  one's  acquaintance,  should  feel  hurt  if 
their  advance  is  not  recognized  and  reciprocated. 

In  America,  it  is  the  usual  custom  for  residents  of  a  city 
or  town  to  call  first  upon  new-comers.  Washington  is  a 
well-known  exception  to  this  rule,  the  strangers  calling  first, 
as  indeed  they  do  in  most  European  cities. 

It  is  also  the  custom  in  some  cities  for  the  older  residents 
in  a  certain  street  or  neighborhood  to  call  upon  those  who 
have  recently  moved  to  that  part ;  I  need  hardly  say  that 
these  latter  should  by  all  means  return  such  calls.  The  good 
old  custom  of  interchanging  neighborly  civilities  should  cer- 
tainly not  be  allowed  to  die  out.  It  is  not  necessary  to 
become  intimate  with  your  neighbors  if  they  are  not  people 
who  are  sympathetic  to  you;  but  for  two  families  to  live 
next  door  to  one  another  year  after  year,  and  never  to  show 


VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIB  USES.  43 

any  token  of  mutual  good-will,  or  perhaps  even  of  mutual 
recognition,  argues  that  their  civilization  is  below  that  of 
rustics.  Indeed,  it  would  probably  be  considered  as  bad 
form  even  in  Ashantee. 

Except  in  the  case  of  neighbors,  a  lady  needs  however  to 
be  very  cautious  about  making  first  calls  unless  she  is  cer- 
tain that  her  acquaintance  will  be  considered  desirable  by 
those  whom  she  visits  in  this  way.  Thus  if  Mrs.  A.  is  a 
woman  of  greater  wealth  or  higher  social  position  than  Mrs. 
B.,  the  latter  will  hesitate  to  call  first  upon  the  former  un- 
less she  is  asked  to  do  so,  for  fear  she  may  be  thought 
pushing. 

Where  society  is  divided  into  certain  cliques  or  sets,  as  is 
too  often  the  case  in  our  cities,  a  lady  belonging  to  the  less 
fashionable  clique  should  hesitate  long  before  calling  upon 
one  of  a  more  fashionable  circle,  even  though  she  may  have 
been  introduced  to  the  other  lady,  and  may  have  met  her 
a  number  of  times  on  social  or  other  occasions. 

It  is  simply  a  question  of  the  Golden  Rule,  which  applies 
more  to  social  customs  than  the  unthinking  realize  or  per- 
ceive. Do  not  call  first  on  any  one  who  your  common  sense 
tells  you  would  in  all  probability  prefer  not  to  make  your 
acquaintance,  or,  if  that  is  already  made,  not  to  add  you  to 
her  visiting  list.  True,  this  is  mortifying  to  one's  vanity,  but 
it  does  one's  vanity  good  to  trample  on  it  occasionally ;  and 
if  we  do  this  unpleasant  office  for  ourselves,  others  will  be  less 
likely  to  do  it  for  us.  Vanity,  moreover,  can  be  well  repressed 
without  in  the  least  injuring  self-respect,  which  is  a  very 
different  quality. 

First  calls  must  be  returned  personally  as  well  as  promptly, 
in  order  that  you  may  not  appear  to  slight  those  who  have 
made  the  first  demonstration  of  courtesy.  A  lady  does  not 
wish  to  be  outdone  in  politeness  even  by  some  one  whose 
acquaintance  she  may  not  especially  desire. 


44  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

But  if  the  lady  who  calls  first  only  leaves  her  card,  then 
the  second  lady  responds  by  leaving  her  card  in  like  manner ; 
or  if  the  first  merely  sends  her  card  through  the  post,  then 
the  second  does  likewise. 

An  important  exception  to  this  rule  is  made  where  the  lady 
who  sends  her  cards  through  the  post  sends  at  the  same  time 
an  invitation  to  some  entertainment  at  her  house.  As  this 
expresses  more  good-will  and  is  a  greater  compliment  than 
the  making  of  a  formal  call,  the  second  lady  should  receive 
the  courtesy  in  the  spirit  in  which  it  was  meant.  She  should 
call  very  soon  after  the  entertainment,  and  in  person,  since  a 
first  invitation  is  a  more  formal  matter  than  subsequent  ones, 
just  as  a  first  call  is ;  and  both  must  be  responded  to  with 
special  formality. 

In  making  a  first  call,  a  card  should  be  left  for  each  lady 
of  the  family  ;  where  there  are  several  young  ladies  who  are 
sisters,  and  their  mother  is  living,  it  suffices  to  leave  two 
cards,  —  one  for  the  mother  and  one  for  the  daughters.  A 
lady  also  leaves  the  cards  of  her  own  immediate  family,  in 
making  the  first  call  of  the  season,  including  those  of  her 
husband. 

One  married  lady  in  calling  upon  another  leaves  two  of 
her  husband's  cards,  —  one  for  the  lady  of  the  house  and  the 
other  for  the  husband.  Even  if  admitted,  the  caller  leaves 
these  cards  on  the  hall  table. 

People  who  are  in  mourning  should  have  a  black  border 
on  their  visiting  cards ;  it  is  en  regie  to  leave  cards  for  people 
in  affliction,  though  one  should  make  inquiries  at  the  door, 
and  not  ask  for  admittance,  where  one  is  not  an  intimate 
friend  of  the  family.  These  cards  of  condolence  are  answered 
by  enclosing  mourning  cards  and  sending  them  to  people 
who  have  called  in  this  way,  after  a  proper  lapse  of  time ; 
that  is,  when  the  mourners  feel  ready  to  receive  visits  once 
more. 


VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIR  USES.  45 

One  should  also  call,  or  at  least  send  cards,  when  an  en- 
gagement is  announced,  or  when  a  marriage  has  taken  place, 
in  the  family  of  an  acquaintance.  When  a  friend  or  acquaint- 
ance has  made  a  prolonged  absence,  in  Europe  or  elsewhere, 
it  is  usual  to  call  upon  her ;  but  it  is  equally  proper  for  the 
person  who  has  been  absent  to  make  the  first  call  if  she  pre- 
fers to  do  so.  Society  is  growing  so  large  in  our  great  cities, 
and  is  likewise  so  self-absorbed,  that  the  latter  course  is  the 
wiser  one  if  a  lady  wishes  to  recall  herself  to  people's  minds. 
She  may  naturally  expect  her  intimate  friends  to  make  the 
first  call ;  but  she  should  not  feel  hurt  if  others  neglect  to 
do  so. 

It  is  the  custom  in  New  York,  if  not  elsewhere,  for  people 
who  are  temporarily  staying  in  the  city  to  send  their  cards, 
with  address  upon  them,  to  those  whom  they  wish  to  have 
call ;  otherwise  they  might  remain  for  weeks  without  their 
friends  being  at  all  aware  of  their  presence  in  the  city.  Cards 
should  not  be  sent  in  this  way  to  mere  acquaintances,  how- 
ever, unless  they  have  especially  expressed  the  desire  to  be 
informed  of  one's  arrival. 

Where  one  is  invited  to  any  entertainment  by  a  new  ac- 
quaintance, one  should  leave  cards  without  delay,  according 
to  rule ;  but  this  is  a  canon  which  is  certainly  often  violated. 
At  least  one  should  be  very  particular  to  call  within  a  week 
after  the  event,  even  if  one  has  also  left  cards  upon  receiving 
the  invitation. 

Those  who  send  invitations  to  people  to  whom  they  owe 
calls  which  they  have  been  unable  to  pay,  sometimes  enclose 
their  cards  with  the  invitation,  thus  showing  that  the  call  has 
been  omitted  from  the  pressure  of  time  and  circumstances, 
but  not  with  intention  to  neglect.  This  should  always  be 
done  when  inviting  those  on  whom  one  has  never  called, 
although  the  better  way  would  be  to  call  before  sending  the 
invitation. 


46  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

The  hours  for  formal  calling  differ  in  different  cities, 
though  there  seems  to  be  a  growing  tendency  in  New  York 
and  Boston  to  make  the  calling  hours  later  and  later.  A  re- 
cent authority  says  that  from  four  to  six  is  the  proper  time  to 
make  ceremonious  calls  in  New  York ;  but  many  people  call 
earlier  than  this,  and  in  the  short  winter  days  it  is  surely 
allowable  to  make  visits  at  least  as  early  as  three  o'clock. 

One  should  carefully  avoid  the  lunch  or  dinner  hour  in  call- 
ing even  upon  friends,  and  of  course  much  more  in  the  case  of 
acquaintances.  Where  one  has  been  told,  however,  to  call  at 
the  lunch-hour,  one  is  naturally  at  liberty  to  do  so.  People 
sometimes  say,  "  Our  lunch-hour  is  so-and-so  ;  come  and  see 
me  then,  and  you  will  be  sure  to  find  me  at  home."  In  such 
a  case  it  is  perfectly  proper  to  go  at  the  hour  named  ;  but 
if  the  friend  is  at  lunch  it  is  not  polite  to  detain  her.  "Word 
should  be  sent  in  that  one  will  wait  till  the  meal  is  over. 
If  the  friend  comes  out  and  asks  you  to  the  lunch-table,  you 
should  go  in  without  peradventure,  or  else  take  your  leave  at 
once.  It  is  very  thoughtless,  if  not  positively  ill  bred,  to 
play  the  part  of  dog-in-the-manger,  and  by  refusing  to  comply 
with  your  friend's  request,  compel  her  to  delay  or  go  without 
her  meal ;  and  yet  it  is  a  thing  that  is  often  done,  from  want 
of  thought. 

Calling  has  become  so  ceremonious,  and  has  grown  to  con- 
sist so  largely  of  a  simple  exchange  of  cards,  that  a  practice 
of  making  informal  calls  in  the  morning  iipon  friends  and 
intimates  is  coming  much  into  vogue  in  our  large  cities.  For 
these  unceremonious  visits  a  lady  should  not  wear  an  elabo- 
rate toilette.  Unless  one  is  extremely  intimate  with  a  friend, 
however,  it  is  best  not  to  call  at  a  very  early  hour,  before 
twelve  or  one  o'clock  for  instance. 

A  lady  should  always  carefully  consider  her  friends'  occu- 
pations, habits,  and  ways  of  life,  and  should  avoid  making 
even  a  very  friendly  visit  at  an  hour  whei  she  knows  the 


VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIR  USES.  47 

person  in  question  will  probably  be  otherwise  engaged.  It 
may  seem  perhaps  superfluous  to  mention  such  self-evident 
facts  as  these ;  but  the  truth  is  that  it  is  just  such  rules  that 
are  often  violated  by  well-bred  people  who  are  either  thought- 
less or  selh'sh.  "  Save  me  from  my  friends  "  is  a  saying 
whose  use  is  not  yet  accomplished  and  done  with.  Many 
people  who  would  start  back  in  horror  at  the  mere  thought  of 
committing  any  breach  of  certain  conventional  rules,  will 
wantonly  violate  the  ethical  and  unwritten  laws  of  good 
breeding  without  hesitation. 

Thus,  ladies  in  the  country  will  make  calls  upon  a  friend 
in  the  morning  hours,  when  they  are  well  aware  that  the 
said  friend  has  only  one,  or  perhaps  no  servant,  and  is 
obliged  to  be  busied  over  her  housework.  If  the  thought- 
less caller  happens  to  be  rich  in  the  goods  of  this  world, 
and  drives  up  to  the  friend's  door  in  her  carriage,  she  will  be 
almost  certain  to  mortify  the  other's  feelings  by  her  untimely 
arrival. 

There  is  a  certain  gentleman  in  New  York  who  moves  in 
what  is  considered  the  best  society,  and  who  is  very  punc- 
tilious in  most  matters  of  ceremony ;  but  he  frequently  enters 
the  houses  of  his  friends  without  first  paying  his  respects  to 
the  door-mat.  Well,  possibly  such  men  are  to  be  found  out 
of  New  York  too.  Other  gentlemen  endeavor  to  "  sit  each 
other  out  "  when  calling,  although  they  know  perfectly  well 
that  according  to  the  laws  of  good  manners  the  first-comer 
should  be  the  first  to  take  his  leave. 

According  to  strict  rules,  a  gentleman  should  never  call 
upon  a  young  lady  without  asking  also  for  her  mother  or 
chaperone ;  but  where  a  young  man  knows  a  young  lady 
very  well  this  formality  is  apt  to  be  dispensed  with.  Society 
in  America  is  growing  more  strict  on  this  subject,  however, 
than  it  used  to  be,  and  the  chaperone  is  gradually  assuming 
larger  and  larger  powers,  and  taking  more  and  more  the  posi- 


48  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

tion  of  an  English  or  Continental  matron.  It  is  a  question 
upon  which  there  is  a  wide  difference  of  opinion,  and  of 
which  more  will  be  said  in  another  chapter. 

Certainly  in  making  a  formal  call  a  gentleman  should  ask 
for  the  lady  of  the  house  as  well  as  for  the  young  ladies,  and 
should  leave  cards  for  her  and  also  for  the  gentlemen  of  the 
family.  Although  business  men  seldom  make  calls  in  person 
and  cannot  reasonably  be  expected  to  do  so,  a  young  man  of 
leisure  or  a  college  student  is  not  so  easily  excused  for  thus 
neglecting  his  social  duties. 

A  gentleman  should  never  call  on  a  lady  unless  she  has 
asked  him  to  do  sov  or  he  has  asked  and  received  her  leave 
to  come.  If  he  brings  a  letter  of  introduction,  he  may  of 
course  call,  or  if  an  intimate  friend  of  the  house  —  one  who 
has  a  right  to  introduce  people  there  —  brings  him.  A  lady 
is  at  liberty  to  ask  a  gentleman  to  call  if  she  wishes  to  do  so, 
although  a  young  lady  should  not  give  such  an  invitation 
until  she  knows  him  quite  well,  and  should  always  phrase  it 
in  such  a  way  as  to  show  that  not  she  alone  but  her  mother 
also  would  be  pleased  to  receive  the  visit.  "  We  should  be 
glad  to  see  you  on  any  Wednesday  afternoon,"  or,  "  I  hope 
we  shall  see  you  at  our  house."  Strictly  speaking,  such  an 
invitation  should  come  from  the  chaperone,  and  not  from  the 
young  lady. 

A  gentleman  is  required  to  call  at  once  upon  receiving  an 
invitation  from  a  new  acquaintance  or  a  stranger,  and  also  to 
call  after  the  entertainment.  But  if  he  answers  the  invitation 
promptly,  and  calls  soon  after  the  gay  event,  whatever  it  may 
be,  he  does  as  well  as  most  American  gentlemen  do ;  foreign 
etiquette  is  more  stringent  than  ours  on  this,  as  on  many 
other  points. 

It  is  quite  permissible  to  leave  cards  without  asking  for 
the  ladies  of  the  house,  where  one  is  much  pressed  for  time 
or  has  any  special  reason  for  not  doing  so ;  but  it  is  not 


VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIR  USES.  49 

allowable  on  a  lady's  regular  reception  day,  since  this  would 
imply  that  you  did  not  care  to  see  her. 

This  does  not  conflict  with  the  rule  in  accordance  with 
which  one  sends  cards  when  invited  to  a  special  reception  if 
unable  to  attend  it.  In  this  latter  case  the  card  is  sent  in 
acknowledgment  of  the  invitation,  serving  also  as  a  substi- 
tute for  personal  attendance.  But  while  one  may  very  easily 
be  prevented  from  attending  special  receptions,  one  has  not 
the  same  excuse  where  a  lady  has  a  regular  day  for  receiving 
her  friends  throughout  the  season. 

When  one  lady  calls  upon  another  whom  she  already 
knows,  and  when  she  finds  the  latter  at  home,  she  should 
not  send  up  her  card,  but  should  merely  give  her  name  to 
the  servant.  This  is  English  etiquette,  and  is  also  according 
to  strict  rule  in  this  country.  Nevertheless,  cards  often  are 
sent  up,  either  through  a  blunder  of  the  servant  or  because 
that  functionary  looks  so  hopelessly  stupid  as  to  show  that 
no  name  would  be  safe  in  his  keeping  for  two  minutes.  In 
very  stylish  houses  the  servant  announces  the  name  of  each 
visitor,  where  the  lady  of  the  house  is  already  in  the  drawing- 
room. 

It  is  not  strictly  necessary  to  leave  cards  upon  the  hall 
table  where  one  is  admitted  to  pay  a  visit,  but  it  is  very 
customary  to  do  so,  especially  in  New  York.  A  card  so  left 
is  intended  merely  as  a  reminder  to  the  lady  of  the  house 
that  she  may  not  forget  who  have  called  upon  her.  "When 
calling  upon  a  stranger,  a  lady  should  send  in  her  card,  but 
she  must  never,  under  any  circumstances,  hand  it  to  her 
hostess. 

It  is  considered  uncivil  not  to  see  a  caller  who  has  once 
been  admitted  to  the  house,  unless  there  is  some  very  strong 
reason  for  not  doing  so ;  hence  it  is  very  desirable  to  give 
servants  clear  directions  as  to  what  they  shall  say  to  visitors, 
so  that  no  one  shall  be  admitted  by  mistake.  But  it  is  also 


50  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

very  unpleasant  to  people  who  are  making  calls  if  they  are 
ohliged  to  wait  a  long  time  before  seeing  the  hostess  ;  there- 
fore where  one  cannot  appear  for  some  little  time,  it  is  hetter 
to  send  word  to  the  visitor  that  Mrs.  So-and-so  will  be  very 
happy  to  see  her  if  she  can  wait  five  or  ten  minutes,  as  the 
case  may  be. 

It  is  certainly  very  uncivil  to  keep  a  caller  waiting  for 
any  length  of  time ;  if  one  cannot  make  one's  appearance 
promptly,  it  is  usually  best  not  to  detain  a  visitor.  I  have 
known  elderly  ladies  to  be  very  much  annoyed  when  kept 
waiting  in  this  way. 

Where  a  caller  has  been  admitted  by  mistake,  and  one  can- 
not come  down  to  receive  the  visit,  the  servant  should  be 
told  to  apologize  for  her  mistress,  and  if  the  latter  is  just 
going  out,  or  is  lying  down,  the  servant  may  very  properly 
say  so.  Where  the  servant  is  uncertain  whether  or  not  her 
mistress  is  at  home  to  visitors,  it  is  usual  to  send  up  a 
card,  although  it  is  perhaps  better  form  to  send  up  the  name 
only. 

It  is  not  considered  polite  to  call  upon  a  friend  who  is 
staying  at  another  person's  house,  without  leaving  cards  for 
the  hostess  also,  even  if  the  latter  is  a  stranger  to  you ;  other- 
wise you  appear  to  be  making  a  convenience  of  some  one 
else's  house. 

If  admitted,  it  is  usual  for  the  caller  in  the  course  of 
her  visit  to  ask  whether  or  not  the  lady  of  the  house  will 
see  her.  While  one  must  be  careful  to  pay  all  due  con- 
sideration to  the  hostess  of  a  friend,  one  must  also  avoid 
forcing  one's  acquaintanceship  upon  her  if  she  appears  not 
to  desire  it,  or  if  there  is  reason  to  suppose  that  she  will  not 
desire  it. 

The  Countess  *  *  *  says  in  her  book,  "  If  there  are  visitors 
staying  in  the  house,  it  is  better  to  distinguish  the  cards  in- 
tended for  them  by  writing  their  names  above  your  own." 


VISITING  CARDS  AND  THEIR  USES.  51 

This  could  only  be  done  when  the  ladies  were  not  at  home ; 
and  in  America  it  is  considered  in  better  form  not  to  write 
the  names  thus,  unless  when  calling  at  a  hotel.  Still,  it  is 
sometimes  done,  "For  Mrs.  Roderick,"  or  whoever  the  visitor 
may  be,  being  written  on  the  upper  part  of  the  card  with  a 
black  lead-pencil.  It  is  considered  inelegant  to  write  with  a 
colored  pencil,  just  as  it  is  to  use  colored  ink. 

There  should  always  be  a  special  place  —  the  hall  table 
usually  —  for  the  cards  of  the  day,  and  the  servant  should  be 
instructed  to  leave  them  there  until  his  mistress  has  seen 
them.  She  can  then  tell  by  their  number  whether  the  calls 
were  intended  for  her  visitor  as  well  as  for  herself. 

A  young  lady  who  is  visiting  at  the  house  of  a  friend 
should  not  invite  gentlemen  to  call  upon  her,  without  asking 
her  hostess  whether  it  will  be  convenient  and  agreeable  to 
have  them  do  so.  She  should  also  ask  the  ladies  of  the 
house  to  come  down  and  have  the  gentlemen  presented  to 
them,  lest  she  may  appear  to  be  selfish  in  receiving  her 
callers,  or  to  be  doing  so  in  a  clandestine  way. 

Gentlemen  leave  their  umbrellas  in  the  hall,  but  bring 
their  canes  and  hats  into  the  drawing-room  with  them,  in 
making  morning  calls,  unless  in  houses  where  they  are  on 
the  footing  of  friends.  As  a  gentleman  is  not  allowed  to 
deposit  these  cumbrances  anywhere  save  on  the  floor  close 
to  his  chair,  their  management  requires  some  little  tact,  or 
else  the  awkward  man  may  step  into  his  hat,  and  the  forgetful 
one  may  depart  without  his  cane.  In  making  evening  calls 
in  New  York,  gentlemen  now  wear  evening  dress. 

A  lady  rises  when  visitors  enter,  but  need  not  cross  the 
room  to  receive  them  unless  she  wishes  to  do  so.  If  they 
are  old  friends,  or  people  much  older  than  herself,  if  they 
are  persons  of  distinction,  or  if  the  lady  who  is  receiving  is 
of  a  very  cordial  disposition,  she  will  be  apt  to  go  to  meet 
them. 


52  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

But  there  is  no  universal  rule  on  this  point,  and  a  lady 
may  fitly  follow  the  promptings  of  her  own  nature  in  the 
matter,  taking  care  that  she  errs  neither  on  the  side  of  too 
great  effusiveness  nor,  still  worse,  on  that  of  over-formality. 
She  should  endeavor  to  pay  equal  attention  to  all  her  guests 
as  far  as  is  possihle,  and  to  have  a  few  words  at  least  with  each 
of  them. 

Where  a  second  visitor  arrives  after  the  first  has  already 
made  a  call  of  sufficient  length,  the  visitor  who  came  first 
should  take  her  leave  soon  after  the  arrival  of  the  second 
comer,  but  not  instantly. 

For  a  formal  call,  about  fifteen  minutes  is  usually  con- 
sidered the  proper  length  of  time ;  one  may  prolong  it  to 
half  an  hour  occasionally,  but  only  under  "favorable  cir- 
cumstances," since  it  is  far  better  to  take  one's  leave  before 
people  begin  to  wish  that  one  would  go.  Emerson  says  : 
"  'T  is  a  defect  in  our  manners,  that  they  have  not  reached 
the  prescribing  a  limit  to  visits.  That  every  well  dressed 
lady  or  gentleman  should  be  at  liberty  to  exceed  ten  minutes 
in  his  or  her  call  on  serious  people  shows  a  civilization  still 
rude." 


CHAPTER   VI. 

INVITATIONS. 

IN  writing  an  invitation,  it  is  an  excellent  plan  to  "  make 
the  punishment  fit  the  crime,"  or,  in  plain  English,  to  write 
your  invitation  in  such  terms  that  the  recipient  shall  under- 
stand just  what  it  means,  just  what  sort  and  size  of  occasion 
he  is  invited  to  attend. 

This  does  not  go  against  the  fact  that  there  are  certain 
prescribed  modes  and  forms  in  which  it  is  customary,  and 
therefore  best,  to  write  invitations.  But  some  people,  wish- 
ing to  make  a  party  as  informal  as  possible,  invite  their 
guests  with  less  formality  than  the  size  of  the  occasion  war- 
rants ;  hence  there  is  often  a  great  diversity  of  dress,  some 
of  the  guests  learning  beforehand  how  large  the  party  will 
really  be,  and  others  supposing  it  will  be  limited  to  a  very 
few  persons.  Hence  heart-burnings  and  mortification  often 
ensue,  since  most  ladies,  particularly  very  young  ladies,  pre- 
fer to  be  dressed  neither  with  more  nor  with  less  elaborate- 
ness than  others  who  are  present  with  them. 

Another  cause  for  the  undervaluation  which  people  used  to 
put  on  their  entertainments  more  than  they  do  now,  was  the 
old-fashioned  idea  of  humility  as  being  a  necessary  adjunct 
of  politeness.  All  this  has  been  much  modified  in  the  man- 
ners of  to-day,  whose  frankness  I  have  spoken  of  elsewhere 
as  being  one  of  their  pronounced  features.  Still,  even  now 
it  requires  some  knoAvledge  of  the  uses  of  society  to  know  just 
what  a  form  of  invitation  means ;  and  a  society  habitue^  him- 
self often  cannot  tell  just  what  the  size  or  form  of  an  enter- 
tainment will  be. 


54  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Be  explicit,  therefore,  within  the  bounds  of  politeness,  in 
your  invitations ;  let  them  all  be  uniform,  —  not  some  verbal 
and  others  written,  —  and  write  them,  or  have  them  en- 
graved, in  plenty  of  time.  Some  hostesses  do  not  send  out 
their  invitations  until  the  eleventh  hour,  and  are  then  disap- 
pointed because  people  do  not  come. 

The  length  of  time  beforehand  that  an  invitation  should  be 
sent,  depends  on  the  formality  and  size  of  the  occasion.  For 
a  ball,  two  weeks  is  the  usual  time,  and  it  is  the  same  with 
any  very  ceremonious  occasion,  —  a  large  dinner-party  or  a 
formal  luncheon. 

People  judge  a  little,  and  properly,  of  the  size  and  formal- 
ity of  an  entertainment  from  this  "lapsed  time"  between 
the  receipt  of  the  invitation  and  the  occasion  itself,  but  it  is 
not  an  infallible  guide.  If  you  invite  your  guests  a  long 
time  in  advance  of  the  event,  they  naturally  infer  that  it  is 
one  for  which  you  yourself  will  make  elaborate  preparations, 
or  one  that  they  will  specially  wish  to  attend,  and  that  there- 
fore they  are  notified  of  it  in  good  season. 

Engraved  cards  and  note-paper  are  very  much  used  at  the 
present  day,  both  as  being  more  elegant  (in  the  true  sense  of 
the  word)  and  more  convenient  than  writing  so  many  invita- 
tions. Per  contra,  for  dinners  it  is  quite  fashionable  to  write 
notes  in  the  first  person,  even  where  one  has  only  a  slight 
acquaintance  with  the  person  invited.  This  is  the  vogue  of 
the  present  moment,  and  does  not  apply  to  very  large  and 
ceremonious  dinner-parties. 

In  writing  invitations,  be  very  careful  to  write  names  and 
dates  distinctly.  I  have  known  some  unhappy  instances 
where  the  guest  arrived  "  the  day  after  the  fair  "  because  he 
mistook  "Tuesday"  for  "Monday"  in  the  note  of  invitation. 

It  need  hardly  be  said  that  these  notes  should  be  written 
very  carefully  in  all  respects,  notably  that  of  spacing  cor- 
rectly, where  the  invitation  is  a  formal  one,  written  in  the 


INVITATIONS.  55 

third  person.  Thus,  "Mr.  and  Mrs.  Thomas  Jenks"  must 
not  be  separated,  even  in  a  note  of  invitation;  the  whole 
phrase  must  be  written  on  the  same  line. 

Another  point  to  be  observed  in  writing  is,  not  to  mix  up 
your  second  and  third  persons.  Thus,  it  would  not  be  allow- 
able to  write 


/  s 

of  uo«4  comnanu. 

/  &  /       ff 


It  is  permitted  to  employ  this  form  in  engraved  invitations, 
although  it  is  not  correct,  grammatically  speaking.  No  doubt 
the  use  of  it  is  considered  allowable  in  engraved  invitations 
for  large  parties  or  balls,  because  it  is  so  convenient,  and 
saves  the  trouble  of  filling  in  the  names. 


*  x/  y/         y^/       y        / 

teattedfo  tne  yweaAaie  of  tne  ccmManu  of 

&  /  /  /  ff  / 


'*. 


ntna,     :zl)ecemvel,  twenty - 

r  ff 

at  nwe  e  cwcn. 


is  a  correct  form  for  an  invitation  to  a  large  party  or  ball ;  the 
R.  S.  V.  P.  is  often  omitted.     The  name  of  the  hostess  only 


56  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

should  be  used  for  all  occasions  save  weddings  and  dinners. 
For  these,  the  invitations  should  always  run  in  the  name  of 
both  host  and  hostess. 

No  matter  how  large  or  grand  a  ball  you  contemplate  giv- 
ing, you  must  not  mention  the  word  "  ball "  in  your  invita- 
tions ;  neither  must  you  invite  people  to  "  a  party,"  using 
that  word.  Some  of  the  English  books  on  manners  give  ex- 
press permission  to  use  the  phrase  "  evening  party  "  in  invi- 
tations, but  it  is  not  done  in  these  United  States.  We  all 
know,  to  be  sure,  that  "  Hans  Breitman  gave  a  party,"  but 
the  lamentable  consequences  which  followed  it  prevent  us 
from  doing  likewise.  No  doubt  the  reason  we  do  not  use 
these  objectionable  words  is  from  an  old  notion  that  it  is  well 
to  assume  the  forms  at  least  of  modesty  and  humility,  even  if 
we  do  not  possess  the  virtues  themselves. 

For  public  balls  it  is  allowable  and  usual  to  call  a  spade 
a  spade,  and  to  use  the  word  "  ball,"  because  the  affair  being 
a  public  one,  no  arrogance  is  displayed  by  any  individual  in 
using  the  proper  term.  Instead  of  "  Dancing,"  "  Cotillon  " 
may  be  engraved  in  the  left-hand  corner  when  there  is  to  be  a 
german ;  or  the  hour  may  be  added,  "  Cotillon  at  ten." 


t^HU.     valet 
f  tgj& 

fatutatu  twenty -mt'ta. 
<f  s  S 


This  form  is  preferred  very  often  to  the  one  given  on  the 
preceding  page,  and  saves  the  trouble  of  writing  in  the  names. 
It  is  always  easy  to  learn  from  first-class  stationers  what  are 


INVITATIONS.  57 

the  customary  forms  to  be  used  for  invitations  for  various  oc- 
casions, and  to  have  the  cards  or  note-paper  engraved  either 
in  whole  or  in  part.  It  is  quite  a  convenience  for  ladies  who 
entertain  frequently,  to  have  these  forms  engraved,  with 
spaces  left  for  the  date  and  the  names  of  guests. 

Invitation  cards  should  be  perfectly  plain,  and  engraved 
in  plain  script.  The  same  is  true  of  the  engraved  note-paper 
which  is  now  used  largely  instead  of  cards.  This  paper  is 
always  white,  and  rather  heavy.  It  may  have  a  coat-of- 
arms,  or  monogram,  or^both,  embossed  in  Avhite,  but  colored 
designs  have  gone  out  of  fashion  for  this  purpose.  Perfectly 
plain  envelopes  also  are  now  used  for  invitations.  If  they 
are  sent  by  post,  two  envelopes  should  always  be  sent. 

In  England,  it  is  entirely  proper  to  send  invitations  through 
the  post-office,  and  the  custom  is  such  a  sensible  and  excel- 
lent one  that  it  is  growing  in  favor  in  this  country.  When  we 
remember  how  often  messenger  boys  "post  letters  in  a  snow- 
bank," in  case  of  any  difficulty  about  finding  the  address,  we 
ought  to  be  more  willing  to  trust  to  the  paternal  Government, 
with  its  efficient  public  servants  especially  trained  to  solve 
riddles  in  the  way  of  addresses. 

The  English,  who  ape  French  customs  less  than  we  do, 
use  the  phrase  "  The  favor  of  an  answer  is  requested,"  instead 
of  R.  S.  V.  P.  (Repondez  S'il  Vous  Plait). 

Never  use  ruled  paper  either  for  writing  or  answering  in- 
vitations, or  indeed  for  any  letters  save  business  communica- 
tions. Probably  the  reasons  in  accordance  with  which  ruled 
paper  is  considered  to  be  in  such  bad  style  are  :  First,  be- 
cause it  seems  commercial,  and  our  society,  like  the  English, 
still  has  a  horror  of  anything  that  smacks  of  trade.  When  it 
is  considered  how  largely  our  aristocracy,  so  far  as  we  have 
any,  is  founded  upon  trade,  and  composed  of  people  whose 
fortunes  were  all  made  in  business,  this  little  prejudice  ap- 
pears somewhat  unreasonable.  But  beware  of  trifling  with 


58  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

prejudices !  It  is  more  dangerous  than  meddling  with  prin- 
ciples, as  all  men  of  the  world  know.  The  second  reason 
for  which  ruled  paper  is  tabooed  as  a  part  of  the  furniture 
of  the  writing-desk,  is  because  its  use  implies  that  the  writer 
does  not  know  how  to  write  straight  without  lines,  and  every 
lady  and  gentleman  ought  to  be  able  to  do  that.  Then, 
ruled  paper  looks  cheap,  and  "  is  used  by  everybody." 

An  English  gentleman,  a  scion  of  the  nobility,  quite  hor- 
rified the  inhabitants  of  Boston  some  years  ago,  by  answering 
his  invitations  on  this  same  ruled  paper,  enclosed  in  a  yellow 
envelope,  which  he  found  at  the  Somerset  Club,  if  I  remem- 
ber rightly.  Of  course  society  was  in  a  state  of  collapse  over 
this  British  eccentricity ;  but  perhaps  the  truth  of  the  matter 
was  that  the  Hon.  Mr. supposed  the  use  of  the  station- 
ery in  question  was  permissible  in  this  country,  since  he  found 
it  at  one  of  our  most  fashionable  clubs.1 

For  dinner-parties,  the  invitations  should  be  in  the  name 
of  both  husband  and  wife. 


<^Vi4.   ancf  <^Vi4<t. 

•teattedt  Me  /iteadeete 
/  / 

.  atta  t^vCt4.     Konn  <^r<<tn  <t  cotn/ianu  at  aennft, 
tf  /     s 

twenty -<teventn,   at  Atx  c  ctocn. 


1  Since  writing  the  above,  I  have  read,  in  Mr.  Adam  Badeau's 
"Aristocracy  in  England,"  that  this  same  noble  gentleman  shakes 
hands  with  the  domestics  of  his  friends  —  on  democratic  principles  ;  so 


INVITATIONS.  59 

An  invitation  to  dinner  must  be  answered  without  loss  of 
time  and  without  prevarication.  If  you  have  any  reason  to 
suppose  that  you  will  not  be  able  to  attend  the  dinner-party, 
there  is  no  alternative  but  to  refuse,  since  it  may  spoil  the 
whole  occasion  if  the  hostess  does  not  know  exactly  who  is 
coming,  and  if  she  does  not  know  it  in  good  season. 

Hence  it  is  not  unusual  for  the  messenger  who  brings  an 
invitation  to  a  dinner,  to  wait  and  see  if  there  is  any  answer. 


.    anc/  ^WM.      cc/m 
<7 

-teaiet  eatleme/u.  Wat  a 
s  f  f  f 

be  mem  c/  me  4i6sa<Hete  cS  a 

.    ana  ^/nu.    ponn  ^run 
ff 

do/ife  i'nvtfafeon  fct  aw 

t_77tiwmv<e4     tivenfy  - 

)n     ,./€., 


f 


is  a  proper  form  of  refusal.  Or  if  you  accept,  "  accept  with 
pleasure  the  polite  invitation,"  etc.  Always  mention  the 
hour,  when  accepting  a  dinner  invitation,  so  as  to  be  sure  that 

the  natural  inference  is  that  the  yellow  envelope  was  used  "malice 
prepense,"  and  that  the  Somerset  Club  should  be  acquitted  from  any 
responsibility  in  so  grave  a  matter. 


60  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

there  is  no  mistake  about  it.  One  should  be  careful  also  to 
express  one's  self  in  courteous  terms  in  answering  a  note  of 
invitation.  If  the  note  is  a  refusal,  it  is  better,  if  possible,  to 
state  the  reason  which  has  compelled  one  to  refuse ;  as, 


.    <ja 
ieaie&   twfame/u,  Mat  a  faevtoat   enaaa 

Avett&  Aet  acafitwa 
/       ff 

*^wU.      Wm.     -£.     <.7wane  / 
tie  tnvtfafam  tot 


Or,  "  must  deprive  her  of  the  pleasure  of  accepting,"  etc. 
If  you  are  to  be  out  of  town,  "  absence  from  the  city " 
will  be  the  excuse  proper  to  send.  Of  course  the  form 
"  regrets  extremely  her  inability  to  accept  "  is  often  used  ;  but 
the  other  form  seems  more  courteous,  especially  in  answering 
a  first  invitation,  or  any  one  where  the  entertainer  will  be 
apt  to  suppose  that  there  is  an  intention  to  slight  her  if  no 
reason  for  the  refusal  is  given. 

All  invitations  should  be  answered  promptly,  except  those 
to  afternoon  teas  and  receptions  and  "At  Homes,"  which  are 
usually  not  answered  at  all.  It  is  manifestly  illogical  to  an- 
swer a  card  which  says  merely  "Mrs.  Breeze  At  Home  Friday, 
January  thirtieth,"  because  the  invitation  is  not  worded  in 
such  a  way  that  it  can  be  answered.  Sometimes  E.  S.  V.  P. 
is  appended  to  an  "  At  Home  "  card ;  but  this  is  an  incorrect 


INVITATIONS.  61 

form  of  invitation,  though  used  occasionally  to  save  time  and 
trouble. 

I  find  it  stated  in  one  book  on  manners,  —  and  a  very  good 
book  in  many  respects, —  that  one  should  never  write  "  polite  " 
invitation,  but  always  "  kind  "  or  "  very  kind."  The  writer 
adds  that  it  —  the  latter  form  —  "is  English,  you  know," 
and  states  also  that  "  polite  "  is  no  longer  used  in  this  way  in 
good  society  in  America. 

It  is  to  be  feared  in  this  case  that  the  wish  was  father  to 
the  thought ;  for  however  charming  it  might  be  in  the  eyes 
of  many  people  to  have  our  social  manners  and  customs  be- 
come mere  duplicates  of  English  forms,  we  certainly  have  not 
yet  reached  that  delightful  apotheosis  of  Anglomania,  perfect 
similarity.  "  Kind  "  is  certainly  often  used  in  answering  notes 
of  invitation,  but  "  polite  "  is  still  a  proper  and  quite  usual 
form  of  expression  in  New  York  and  Boston. 

The  same  authority  points  out  the  incorrectness  of  such 
forms  of  expression  as  "  will  have  the  pleasure  of  accepting," 
"  will  prevent  his  acceptance,"  "  will  accept,"  etc.  You  accept 
or  are  prevented  from  accepting  in  the  present  tense,  —  that 
is,  when  you  write  the  note,  —  therefore  it  is  incorrect  to  use 
"will,"  which  is  in  the  future  tense.  Neither  is  it  polite  to 
"  decline "  an  invitation ;  the  refusal  must  be  worded  in  a 
more  courteous  form.  One  should  never  abbreviate,  in  writ- 
ing either  acceptances  or  regrets.  They  should  always  cor- 
respond in  style  with  the  invitation,  which  should  be  referred 
to  in  order  that  the  answer  may  be  exact. 

Where  a  lady  sends  her  visiting  card  with  "  At  Home " 
and  the  day  and  hour  written  upon  it,  no  answer  is  necessary. 
In  sending  your  card  in  acknowledgment  of  such  an  invi- 
tation, do  not  write  "  regrets "  or  anything  else  on  it,  as  it 
would  be  very  impolite  to  do  so. 

If  an  invitation  is  issued  in  the  name  of  "  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Folsom,"  then  one  must  accept  or  refuse  Mr.  and  Mrs. 


62  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Folsom's  kind  invitation ;  or  if  Mrs.  F.  alone  invites  the 
guests,  then  they  send  their  answers  to  Mrs.  F. 

It  is  necessary  to  be  explicit  on  this  point,  since  some 
people  imagine  that  if  they  are  not  personally  acquainted 
with  the  hostess,  they  ought  to  send  their  answers  to  her  in- 
vitation not  to  her,  but  to  whatever  member  of  the  family 
they  happen  to  know  personally. 

This  is  both  illogical  and  absurd.  Indeed,  it  would  be 
extremely  rude  to  send  to  the  daughter,  for  instance,  an  an- 
swer to  an  invitation  received  from  the  mother.  It  would 
imply  that  you  thought  the  hostess  had  committed  a  breach 
of  etiquette  in  the  form  of  her  invitation.  If  a  lady  does 
you  the  honor  of  asking  you  to  her  house,  the  least  you  can 
do  is  to  respond  courteously,  whether  she  is  a  stranger  to  you 
or  not. 

A  student  at  Harvard  College,  a  few  years  ago,  was  some- 
what surprised  at  receiving  an  invitation  for  a  dancing  party 
at  the  house  of  a  lady  in  Cambridge  whom,  he  did  not  know. 
As  he  was  a  great  favorite  in  society,  and  a  good  dancer,  he 
concluded  that  he  had  been  invited  in  the  character  of  an 
eligible  partner,  and  went  to  the  ball. 

The  hostess  and  her  family  treated  him  with  such  marked 
politeness  and  courtesy  that  he  began  to  fear  something  was 
wrong.  Subsequent  inquiry  revealed  the  fact  that  the  invi- 
tation had  been  intended  for  a  classmate  who  bore  the  same 
name  and  surname ;  and  the  hostess  was  so  much  afraid  that 
her  guest  would  discover  the  mistake,  and  would  be  mortified 
to  think  he  had  come  where  he  had  not  been  invited,  that 
she  showed  him,  by  special  attentions,  that  she  was.  pleased 
to  receive  him  as  her  guest.  Verb.  sat.  sap. 

Married  people  can  never  be  invited  separately,  unless 
on  some  occasion  where  ladies  only  or  gentlemen  only  are 
asked  to  be  present.  But  if  any  gentlemen  are  invited,  all  — 
that  is,  all  husbands  —  must  be.  Even  where  it  is  well 


INVITATIONS.  63 

known  that  a  lady  or  a  gentleman  never  goes  into  society, 
you  must  still  pay  the  stay-at-home  member  the  compliment 
of  asking  him  or  her.  In  the  case  of  very  informal  occasions, 
or  where  another  person  is  suddenly  wanted  to  fill  a  vacant 
seat  at  a  dinner-table,  this  rule  is  sometimes  waived  among 
intimate  friends ;  otherwise  it  is  strictly  adhered  to,  being 
one  of  the  active  laws,  as  opposed  to  the  dead  letters  of 
social  observances. 

If  a  person  finds  that  he  cannot  go  to  an  entertainment 
after  he  has  accepted  the  invitation,  he  should  write  before 
the  occasion  and  send  his  "  regrets."  This  is  in  accordance 
with  European  custom,  it  is  stated,  but  it  is  not  usually  done 
here,  except  in  the  case  of  dinners,  "  sit-down  "  lunches,  or 
other  occasions  where  the  host  needs  to  know  the  exact  num- 
ber of  people  who  will  be  present,  such  as  tea-parties,  "  sit- 
down  "  suppers,  etc.  If  only  a  few  guests  are  invited,  even  to 
an  informal  occasion,  any  one  who  finds  that  he  cannot  go, 
after  he  has  written  that  he  will  do  so,  should  certainly  write 
and  let  his  host  know  of  his  change  of  plan,  because  the 
absence  of  one  makes  a  great  difference  when  only  a  small 
number  are  invited. 

Once  in  a  while  a  very  polite  person  will  write  to  a  hostess 
who  is  about  to  give  a  party,  and  say  that  he  is  at  the  last 
moment  prevented  from  coming.  But  for  balls  or  large  parties 
it  is  not  customary  to  do  so  in  America,  unless  one  is  to 
be  the  guest  of  honor,  or  unless  there  is  some  other  special 
reason  for  writing. 

Should  one  send  invitations  to  people  who  are  in  mourn- 
ing ?  It  is  considered  to  be  more  polite  to  do  so,  except  in 
case  of  a  recent  bereavement.  While  a  family  is  plunged  in 
deep  sorrow  and  affliction,  it  is  certainly  more  delicate  and 
considerate  not  to  do  anything  which  would  jar  upon  their 
feelings,  and  invitations  coming  at  such  a  time  would  almost 
certainly  have  that  effect.  But  to  people  in  the  later  periods 


64  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

of  mourning  it  is  quite  in  order  to  send  general  invitations ; 
that  is,  invitations  to  large  parties,  weddings,  etc.  Of  course 
they  do  not  go ;  but  one  should  pay  them  the  compliment  of 
asking  them. 

People  who  are  in  mourning  do  not  plead  a  previous  en- 
gagement when  declining  an  invitation,  but  regret  simply, 
without  giving  any  reason.  They  then  send  by  mail  their 
visiting  cards  with  black  borders,  thus  shewing  clearly  why 
they  cannot  accept  the  invitation,  the  cards  also  serving  in- 
stead of  a  personal  visit.  These  cards  should  be  mailed  on 
the  day  when  the  ball  or  wedding  takes  place,  and  should  be 
enclosed  in  two  envelopes.  The  same  number  should  be  sent 
as  if  one  were  calling  in  person ;  the  lady  would  send  one 
card,  and  her  husband  would  send  two,  —  one  for  the  host 
and  one  for  the  hostess. 

"  Avail "  and  "  preclude  "  are  words  not  thought  to  be  in 
good  form  for  the  answers  to  invitations.  "  An  invite  "  for 
"  an  invitation  "  is  slang  of  the  worst  description. 

In  sending  invitations  to  a  family  of  several  members,  the 
most  approved  method  is  to  send  one  to  the  husband  and 
wife,  a  separate  one  to  the  daughters,  be  they  few  or  many, 
directed  to  the  Misses  Brown,  and  a  third  to  the  brothers, 
addressed  to  Messrs.  Brown.  If  there  is  only  one  son  and 
one  daughter,  an  invitation  may  be  sent  to  "Miss  Brown  and 
brother ; "  but  "  Misses  Brown  and  brothers  "  is  not  advisa- 
ble, although  on  these  minor  and  less  important  points  peo- 
ple often  follow  their  own  convenience. 

"  Dr.  Brown  and  family,"  however,  is  a  form  of  invita- 
tion not  favored  by  those  who  are  careful  in  such  matters. 
Quite  as  bad,  or  worse,  is  the  other  extreme,  —  that  of  sending 
a  separate  card  of  invitation  to  each  member  of  a  large  family. 
This  looks  ostentatious,  and  society  dislikes  rather  particularly 
ostentation  of  the  sort. 


CHAPTER   VII. 

DINNER-PARTIES,   AND   HOW.  TO   GIVE   THEM. 

THE  extravagance  of  our  modern  dinner-table  has  grown  to 
be  so  great  that  it  rivals  those  ancient  Roman  feasts  where 
dowries  were  expended  on  a  single  meal,  and  almost  surpasses 
Cleopatra's  famed  and  costly  beverage.  But  let  not  the  pool- 
imagine  that  endless  dainties  bring  continual  pleasure  to  the 
palate  ;  or  that  all  these  fine  dishes,  with  high-sounding 
French  names,  taste  any  better  than  plain,  homely  fare, 
carefully  seasoned  and  well  prepared,  eaten  with  the  best 
sauce,  hunger,  and  served  hot !  Epicurism  is  apt  to  bring 
its  own  reward  —  in  the  very  unpleasant  shape  of  dyspep-, 
sia ;  and  many  a  millionnaire  sits  at  his  richly-furnished 

table  eating  gruel  or  drinking  milk  !     Sir  ,  an 

English  nobleman  who  is  thus  unfortunately  reduced  to 
"  spoon  food,"  eats  nothing  else  at  his  own  elaborate  dinner- 
parties ;  but,  with  a  truly  noble  spirit,  he  still  points  out  to 
others  the  best  pieces  on  the  dish,  his  eyes  glistening  at  the 
sight  of  the  forbidden  dainties. 

Other  more  prudent  bon-vivants  live  very  simply  when  at 
home,  eating  always  of  the  best,  but  also  of  the  simplest,  and 
reserving  the  full  force  of  their  appetite  for  grand  occasions. 
"  I  get  dreadfully  tired,"  said  a  well-known  society  woman 
recently,  "  of  these  swell  lunches,  where  you  have  a  little  bit 
of  this,  and  a  scrap  of  the  other,  and  nothing  that  amounts 
to  anything,  —  a  little  chicken-bone  in  a  silver  saucepan,  a 

5 


66  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

few  truffles,  lots  of  empty  nothings ;  and  I  come  home  hungry 
and  eat  a  good  dinner."  One  certainly  tires  of  elaborate 
"  made  dishes  "  much  sooner  than  of  plain  ones.  People  who 
go  often  to  restaurants  know  that  the  plain  roast  and  boiled, 
a  good  steak,  or  a  hot  chop  are  best ;  it  is  dangerous  to  try 
made  dishes  unless  you  are  sure  of  the  capacity  of  the  cook 
who  made  them. 

Another  great  objection  to  formal  banquets  is  the  impossi- 
bility of  having  the  food  .really  hot,  in  the  long  and  elaborate 
succession  of  hands  through  which  the  dishes  have  to  pass 
before  reaching  the  diners.  Thomas  Hazard,  in  his  "  Johnny- 
cake  "  papers,  tells  how,  in  his  grandfather's  time,  eels  were 
broiled  on  a  gridiron  and  brought  in  from  the  kitchen  on  the 
same  utensil  "smoking  hot;"  and  he  intimates  that  the 
result  was  ambrosial. 

Even  "  hotter  "  were  the  old-fashioned  blazers,  or  chafing-^ 
dishes,  on  which  each  person  at  table  broiled  his  own  oysters 
or  his  own  venison.     Some  New  England  ladies  use  them  to 
this  day  for  luncheon;  and  scrambled  eggs  cooked  in  this 
way  are  superior  to  all  others. 

Rich  people,  too,  get  very  tired  of  the  formality  and  show 
which  accompany  their  daily  meals,  and  enjoy  a  plain,  good 
dinner  at  a  friend's  house,  because  it  is  a  novelty  to  them. 

The  famous  dinner  in  the  "  Book  of  Snobs  "  is  entirely  true 
to  human  nature,  and  will  be  remembered  for  its  kindly  and 
humane  sentiment  long  after  Thackeray's  more  bitter  utter- 
ances shall  have  been  laid  on  the  shelf.  Let  no  one  hesitate, 
therefore,  to  invite  his  friends  to  dinner  merely  because  he 
will  be  obliged  to  entertain  them  simply.  Let  the  dinner  be 
plain,  but  good  of  its  kind ;  and  remember  that  for  people  of 
small  means,  quite  as  much  as  for  the  rich,  it  is  important 
to  make  a  study  of  gastronomy,  —  to  combine  those  articles 
of  food  which  go  well  together.  A  small  circle  is  still  as 
perfect  as  a  large  one. 


DINNER-PARTIES.  67 

Often,  with  a  little  thought,  some  dish  can  be  devised 
which  will  be  at  once  unusual,  good,  and  cheap.  Thus, 
flounders  go  for  almost  nothing  in  our  markets,  and  yet  are 
really  very  delicious  fish.  Some  of  the  French-made  dishes 
are  economical  —  of  everything  but  labor.  The  French  are 
a  thrifty  people,  and  the  style  of  dishes  that  they  have 
invented  can  be  made  to  suit  a  light  as  well  as  a  heavy 
purse. 

It  is  not  well  to  attempt  any  elaborate  dishes,  however, 
unless  one  has  a  really  competent  cook  ;  and  above  all,  never 
try  any  entirely  new  dish  when  you  are  going  to  have  com- 
pany. Culinary  and  other  experiments  should  be  tried  only 
in  the  bosom  of  one's  own  family. 

Let  the  attendance,  even  at  a  very  simple  dinner,  be  good. 
If  your  own  servants  are  not  efficient  waiters,  by  all  means 
hire  good  ones,  who  are  always  to  be  found  in  cities  of  any 
size.  If  you  cannot  aiford  to  do  so,  or  if  you  live  in  the 
country,  your  only  resource  is  to  train  your  own  servants,  — 
remembering  always  that  they  must  be  trained  daily,  espe- 
cially if  hitherto  they  have  been  undisciplined.  You  cannot 
expect  raw  troops  to  stand  the  fire  of  the  enemy ;  and  ser- 
vants who  are  not  trained  to  wait  well  every  day,  will  do 
even  worse  than  usual  with  the  excitement  of  company. 

The  son  of  an  English  earl,  Hon.  Mr. ,  being  possessed 

only  of  small  means,  has  two  maid-servants  to  wait  on  his 
table,  who  perform  the  services  expected  of  them  quite  as 
skilfully  as  men,  and  at  much  lower  wages.  They  wear  a 
species  of  uniform  ;  that  is,  dresses  of  dark  blue  cloth,  made 
very  plainly,  with  gilt  buttons  like  a  page. 

The  same  plan,  that  of  employing  women  as  first-class 
waiters,  has  been  adopted  in  this  country,  all  but  the  uni- 
form. No  American  woman,  even  if  her  citizenship  was  but 
a  week  old,  would  consent  to  appear  as  a  female  Buttons. 
The  baptism  of  Castle  Garden  has  a  wonderfully  liberalizing 


68  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

effect,  especially  on  womankind.  At  very  elegant  houses, 
however,  maid-servants  often  wait  upon  the  table,  and  when 
well  drilled  are  fully  equal  to  the  best  men-servants.  They 
usually  wear  black  dresses  made  perfectly  plain,  without 
overskirt  or  trimmings,  plain  white  aprons,  and  white  collars 
and  cuffs.  Occasionally  they  wear  white  caps,  although 
these  have  become  so  common  that  many  people  do  not  care 
to  have  their  servants  wear  them. 

The  social  enjoyment,  the  conversation,  ought  to  be  the 
best  part  of  any  entertainment,  even  of  that  very  carnal  feast 
a  dinner-party.  Croesus  will  come  all  the  more  willingly  to 
your  simple  table  if  he  is  to  meet  there  some  brilliant  and 
agreeable  guest.  No  dinner-party  can  be  really  successful 
at  which  only  dull  wits  are  present,  —  unless  it  be  that  if 
they  are  all  dull  they  will  not  notice  the  difference. 

There  are  certain  brilliant  talkers  who  are  monopolists  of 
conversation;  they  charm  with  their  wit,  but  no  one  else 
has  a  "  show."  Such  people  should  be  invited  "  one  at  a  time," 
and  in  company  with  those  who  will  be  content  to  admire 
and  listen  to  them  in  silence.  I  was  present  at  a  dinner  once 
where  Emerson,  William  R.  Alger,  and  other  men  of  mark 
were  guests,  all  of  us  listening,  with  charmed  attention  it 
must  be  confessed,  to  the  scintillating  flow  of  speech  of  one 
witty  and  delightful  autocrat ! 

It  is  a  cruel  rule  that  altogether  excludes  very  old  and 
very  young  people  from  dinners;  but  the  "dumb"  are  out 
of  place  at  them  as  much  as  the  over-loquacious.  Very 
literal  people,  too,  who  cannot  take  a  joke,  do  not  add  to  the 
general  enjoyment  of  a  feast. 

With  the  English,  it  is  an  almost  invariable  custom  that 
social  position  should  regulate  the  order  in  which  people  go 
in  to  dinner,  the  host  taking  in  the  lady  of  highest  rank,  and 
the  guests  following  in  couples  assorted  according  to  Burke's 
peerage,  very  much  as  children  arrange  a  Noah's  Ark  proces- 


DINNER-PARTIES.  69 

sion,  the  hostess  meekly  bringing  up  the  rear  with  the  gen- 
tleman of  highest  rank  ! 

Fortunately  for  us  in  these  United  States  we  have  no 
nobility  to  dictate  our  places  to  us;  and  while  a  host  often 
takes  in  the  lady  of  highest  social  position,  he  quite  as  often 
does  not.  If  a  distinguished  woman  is  present,  he  usually 
pays  this  honor  to  her,  or  perhaps  he  pays  it  to  the  wife  of 
a  distinguished  man.  Where  a  dinner  has  been  given  for 
a  married  couple,  the  host  and  hostess  respectively  go  in 
with  them.  A  bride,  too,  is  privileged  in  this  respect,  often 
taking  precedence  of  older  ladies ;  so  also  does  a  distinguished 
stranger. 

But  while,  ceteris  paribus,  the  host  takes  in  the  lady  of 
the  highest  distinction,  social,  literary,  or  political,  etc.,  the 
other  couples  intermediate  between  the  host  and  the  hostess 
(who  comes  last  always)  do  not  go  in  in  any  especial  order. 
Young  people  naturally  give  the  pas  to  elder  ones,  or  to  per- 
sons of  note,  but  there  is  no  law  on  the  subject. 

The  squabbles  for  precedence  in  European  courts  seem  to 
us  very  undignified.  The  Countesses  of  Egmont  and  Horn 
used  to  pass  through  a  doorway  arm  in  arm,  as  it  could  not 
be  decided  which  should  go  first ! 

The  host  and  hostess  should  decide  with  due  deliberation 
beforehand  the  order  in  which  the  guests  are  to  sit  at  table, 
since  it  may  "  make  or  mar  :>  a  dinner.  Indeed,  they  should 
be  careful  to]  invite  only  people  who  will  harmonize  well 
together.  Tradition  tells  about  dreadful  dinner-parties  to 
which  deadly  enemies  were  asked,  and  where  they  sat  glar- 
ing mutually  and  refusing  to  speak  to  one  another,  like  two 
Banquos  at  a  feast.  Certainly  this  was  ill-bred  on  the  part 
of  the  guests.  Private  animosities  should  be  sunk  on  such 
occasions ;  but  one  would  prefer  not  to  invite  the  Capulets 
and  Montagues  to  dine  together. 

The  lady  of  the  house  informs  each  gentleman  which  lady 


70  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

he  is  to  take  in  to  dinner,  or  sometimes  cards  are  placed 
on  the  hall  table  giving  this  information.  If  the  gentleman 
does  not  know  the  lady,  he  should  ask  for  an  introduction. 
At  small  and  informal  dinners,  where  all  are  acquainted,  the 
lady  of  the  house,  if  she  prefers,  can  say  to  each  gentleman, 
"  Mr.  So-and-so,  will  you  take  down  Miss  Blank,"  just  before 
going  down  to  dinner. 

It  is  perhaps  needless  to  say  that  a  bell  should  never  be 
rung  to  announce  any  formal  meal ;  indeed,  it  is  better  form 
to  dispense  with  the  bell-summons  for  all  meals,  even  when 
no  guests  are  present. 

The  servant  should  enter  the  drawing-room  and  should 
say,  "  Dinner  is  served,"  or  simply  bow,  as  soon  as  he  catches 
the  eye  of  his  mistress. 

The  host  and  hostess  may  sit  at  each  end  of  the  table  or 
in  the  middle  of  each  side.  The  lady  who  is  to  be  specially 
honored  is  placed  on  the  host's  right,  and  the  second  place  of 
distinction  is  on  his  left.  In  the  same  way  the  gentleman 
who  has  taken  the  hostess  down  to  dinner  sits  on  her  right, 
and  the  "  next  best  man  "  on  her  left. 

Neither  a  dining-room  nor  a  table  should  ever  be  over- 
crowded. Brillat-Savarin  said  that  the  number  of  people  at 
a  dinner  should  not  be  less  than  the  Graces  nor  more  than 
the  Muses ;  though  at  some  very  brilliant  dinners  this  limit 
has  been  exceeded.  The  objection  to  certain  even  numbers 
is,  that  in  the  case  of  four,  eight,  twelve,  sixteen,  and  twenty 
(in  fact,  any  number  divisible  by  four),  two  ladies  and  two 
gentlemen  will  have  to  sit  next  each  other,  when  the  host 
and  hostess  sit  at  the  head  and  foot  of  the  table.  But  when 
a  table  is  wide  enough  for  two  people  to  sit  at  one  end  this 
difficulty  may  be  overcome ;  and  it  is  certainly  pleasanter  to 
have  an  even  number,  as  otherwise  one  person  is  obliged  to 
go  in  to  dinner  alone.  With  the  numbers,  six,  ten,  fourteen, 
eighteen,  etc.,  there  is  no  trouble  in  arranging  the  guests. 


DINNER-PARTIES.  71 

The  host  and  hostess  at  a  dinner-party  stand  in  need  of 
a  great  deal  of  tact ;  for  they  must  watch  the  conversation 
carefully,  skilfully  starting  it  when  it  flags,  suggesting  new 
topics,  etc.,  and  yet  not  talking  too  much.  Let  the  host 
beware  of  bringing  out  his  old  stories ;  and  let  the  hostess 
remember  that  though  her  heart  may  be  in  the  kitchen,  her 
head  must  be  with  her  guests.  No  matter  how  much  anxiety 
she  may  feel,  she  must  betray  none,  or  she  will  be  sure  to 
dampen  every  one's  pleasure. 

Hence  it  is  much  wiser  not  to  attempt  a  dinner-party  on 
such  an  unaccustomed  scale  that  you  are  worried  to  death 
lest  your  servants  should  commit  some  blunder. 

The  folly  of  over-pretentious  dinners  Thackeray  has  shown 
up  so  thoroughly  that  he  has  exhausted  the  subject ;  while 
Dickens's  description  of  the  Veneering  banquets  is  an  equally 
good  piece  of  satire  directed  at  the  solemn  and  burdensome 
pomp  of  stupid  nouveaux-riches. 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

DINNER-PARTIES;    SERVICE    AND    ARRANGEMENTS    OF 
THE    TABLE. 

"  SCRATCH  a  Russian,  and  you  will  find  a  Tartar,"  says  the 
old  proverb  ;  intimating,  in  language  more  plain  than  elegant, 
that  a  Russian  is  only  a  sort  of  half-savage.  And  yet  these 
same  people,  savage  or  not,  control  in  large  measure  the 
diplomacy  of  Europe,  invent  wonderful  and  dreadful  forms 
of  modern  liberalism,  write  our  best  contemporary  novels, 
and  last  but  not  least,  lay  down  the  law  which  regulates  the 
tables  of  every  civilized  land. 

Clearly  these  Russians  are  not  effete,  whatever  else  they 
may  be  ;  and  we  have  adopted  the  dtner  ct  la  Riisse  from  them, 
just  as  in  an  earlier  state  of  civilization  the  Romans  adopted 
trousers  from  their  savage  conquerors,  who  were  brachati,  or 
"  breeches-wearing."  And  to  the  bondage  of  the  trouser 
mankind  has  remained  a  slave  all  these  fourteen  hundred 
years  since  Rome  fell. 

How  long  our  bondage  to  the  dtner  a  la  Russe  will  last  it 
is  difficult  to  imagine ;  probably  as  long  as  the  present  epoch 
of  luxury  and  sestheticism  lasts,  for  this  method  of  serving 
meals  is  as  pleasing  to  the  eye  as  it  is  agreeable  to  that 
natural  laziness  which  abides  in  the  hearts  of  most  men. 

A  table  covered  with  fruit  and  flowers,  exquisite  glass, 
china,  and  silver,  graceful  candelabra,  —  bonbons  and  candied 
fruits  perhaps  at  the  corners,  —  these  are  all  that  the  modern 


DINNER-PARTIES.  73 

guest  sees  when  he  sits  down  to  the  table ;  but  to  the  eye  of 
faith  much  more  is  present,  especially  if  menu-cards,  placed 
in  pretty  holders,  rehearse  the  catalogue  of  tempting  dainties 
that  are  to  come. 

The  table-cloth,  the  foundation  for  all  this  gorgeous  dis- 
play, may  be  of  plain  damask,  or  it  may  consist  of  the  most 
costly  and  elaborate  drawn-work,  dainty  and  lace-like  in 
effect ;  but  let  it  be  always  white.  While  some  people  place 
a  colored  cloth  beneath  the  embroidered  one  in  order  to 
show  the  effect  of  the  work,  this  arrangement  is  in  questiona- 
ble taste,  and  is  thought  by  many  persons  to  be  wanting 
in  refinement. 

A  few  years  ago  dinner-tables  were  lighted  by  gas  only ; 
but  we  have  borrowed  a  leaf  from  Europeans,  and  as  they 
consider  gas  vulgar,  we  begin  to  think  we  must  do  so  too, 
although  gas  in  America  is  superior  in  quality  to  that  manu- 
factured abroad.  Handsome  branching  candelabra,  usually 
of  silver,  filled  with  white  or  colored  wax-candles,  the  light 
softened  by  colored  shades,  are  now  considered  the  most  ele- 
gant way  of  lighting  the  table ;  although  lamps  —  which  are 
now  made  of  such  beautiful  patterns  —  are  often  used. 

There  must  not  be  too  great  a  glare  of  light  on  the  table, 
as  that  would  be  trying  to  the  eyes  of  many  guests;  it  is 
better  to  have  some  of  the  light  come  from  side-branches  or 
chandeliers  projecting  from  the  wall,  or  hanging  from  the 
ceiling. 

Too  much  light  means  also  too  much  heat,  and  above  all 
things  a  dining-room  should  not  be  overheated ;  neither 
should  it  be  full  of  draughts  from  open  windows.  The  best 
way  is  to  keep  it  pretty  cool  during  the  day,  instead  of 
neglecting  to  pay  any  attention  to  the  temperature  until  the 
last  moment,  and  then  throwing  open  windows  and  doors  in 
every  direction.  A  dining-room  should  always  have  a  carpet 
on  it  to  deaden  the  sound  of  feet. 


74  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

The  decoration  of  the  table  is  largely  a  matter  of  individual 
taste,  limited  by  certain  rules  which  do  not  vary.  One  of 
the  most  important  of  these  is  that  mere  ornament  must  not 
be  allowed  to  take  too  prominent  a  place  at  the  feast ;  it  must 
never  be  arranged  so  as  to  interfere  with  conversation  across 
the  table,  or  to  intercept  the  view  of  the  guests.  The  deco- 
rations should  be  high  enough  for  people  to  see  under  them, 
or  so  low  that  one  can  look  over  them. 

An  ingenious  gentleman  of  Boston  has  lofty  palm-trees, 
which  seem  to  spring  from  the  centre  of  his  festive  board 
and  wave  above  the  heads  of  his  guests  with  true  tropical 
luxuriance.  They  really  have  their  roots  in  large  pots  placed 
under  the  table,  through  which  holes  are  bored  to  admit  the 
passage  of  the  stems. 

Low,  flat  centre-pieces  of  flowers,  round  or  oblong  in  shape, 
are  often  used,  and  are  much  liked,  because  they  afford  no 
barrier  to  sight  or  to  conversation.  With  this  style  four 
smaller  bouquets  for  the  corners  of  the  table  are  very  pretty, 
the  flowers  in  the  latter  corresponding  with  the  central 
design.  Blue  hydrangea  interspersed  with  sprays  of  lily 
of  the  valley  and  bordered  with  maiden's-hair  ferns  makes 
a  very  effective  decoration  used  in  this  way,  and  has  also  the 
good  quality  of  not  emitting  too  strong  an  odor.  Flowers 
for  the  dinner-table  may  be  sweet,  but  should  not  be  oppres- 
sive with  their  fragrance.  A  centre-piece  of  blush  roses,  with 
hand  bouquets  to  match,  is  an  old-time  favorite.  These 
bouquets  may  be  tied  with  broad  pink  satin  ribbon  and  laid 
beside  each  lady's  plate. 

The  "  blue  "  and  "  pink  "  dinners  —  in  which  china,  table 
ornaments,  etc.,  were  all  of  the  chosen  color  —  are  no  longer  as 
fashionable  as  they  were.  The  same  is  true  of  "  silver  "  and 
"  glass "  dinners,  at  which  the  guests  marvelled  at  the  gor- 
geous display  of  plate  or  admired  the  beautiful  shape  and 
endless  variety  of  crystal  vessels,  —  now  of  cut  glass,  sparkling 


DINNER-PARTIES.  75 

like  diamonds,  now  of  delicate  glass  engraved  with  exquisite 
designs,  and  as  brittle  as  the  heart  of  an  old-fashioned 
heroine  of  romance.  These  "  fancies  in  china  "  are  all  very 
well  occasionally ;  but  the  greatest  beauty  is  found  in  har- 
mony, not  in  monotone,  and  the  most  aesthetically  adorned 
tables  encourage  variety  rather  than  oddity. 

Where  the  giver  of  a  dinner  does  not  wish  to  go  to  much 
expense  for  flowers,  a  very  graceful  ornament  can  be  made  by 
placing  a  pot  of  maiden-hair  fern  in  the  centre  of  the  table, 
the  pot  being  covered  by  pieces  of  bark  or  moss,  tied  on  with 
fine  thread  or  wire.  Or  pretty  little  majolica  and  china  orna- 
ments in  all  sorts  of  odd  shapes  may  be  placed  about  the 
table,  filled  with  cut  flowers. 

A  very  effective  centre-piece  can  be  made  by  arranging 
fruit  and  flowers  together,  or  even  with  fruit  alone.  Very 
pretty  gilt  baskets  low  and  flat  in  shape  have  now  come  into 
vogue,  with  pans  fitted  in  the  centre  and  filled  with  growing 
ferns.  Wild-flowers  artistically  arranged  make  exquisite  table 
ornaments.  It  would  doubtless  surprise  some  farmers  to  see 
the  weeds  which  they  so  detest,  and  wage  a  life-long  warfare 
with,  set  in  the  place  of  honor  on  the  rich  man's  table.  Yet 
there  the  sturdy  weeds  stand  to-day,  pretty,  saucy,  and  grace- 
ful, like  country  beauties  newly  come  to  Court. 

In  England,  where  tropical  fruit  is  so  much  more  expensive 
than  with  us,  pineapples,  etc.,  are  sometimes  hired  to  orna- 
ment the  table  with,  and  are  returned  intact  when  the  feast 
is  over. 

The  lofty  epergnes  for  fruit  and  flowers  are  very  imposing 
and  showy  ;  they  correspond  with  the  candelabra  or  lamps, 
and  are  preferred  by  many  people.  A  tall  centre-piece 
(whether  of  silver  or  glass  —  the  latter  is  more  modern) 
should  stand  on  a  silver  tray,  or  on  a  flat  mirror  made  for 
the  purpose.  Beneath  may  be  a  sort  of  large  mat  of  bright- 
colored  velvet,  which  is  often  used  to  give  a  good  bit  of  color 


76  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

to  the  table.  Carafes  or  water-bottles  of  cut  or  engraved 
glass  should  be  placed  at  each  corner,  and  for  a  large  dinner- 
party in  the  middle  of  each  side  also.  This  is  not  done  in 
England,  where  "tumblers  are  placed  on  the  sideboard  and 
not  on  the  table,"  and  where  they  are  inclined  to  laugh 
good-naturedly  at  our  American  habit  of  perpetually  drinking 
ice-water. 

A  "  cover  "  signifies  the  place  laid  at  table  for  each  person, 
and  should  consist  of  two  large  knives,  a  small  silver  knife 
and  fork  for  fish,  three  large  forks,  a  table-spoon  for  soup,  a 
small  "oyster-fork"  for  eating  oysters  on  the  half-shell,  a 
goblet  for  water,  and  claret,  hock,  champagne,  and  sherry 
glasses,  which  are  placed  around  it.  The  knives  and  forks 
should  always  be  placed  on  the  right  and  left  of  the  plate, 
and  never  across  the  table. 

In  England,  where  raw  oysters  are  not  usually  given  at 
dinner,  the  dinner-napkin,  with  the  bread  folded  in  it,  is 
placed  between  the  knives  and  forks.  But  with  us,  the 
napkin  and  bread  are  placed  on  the  left,  as  raw  oysters, 
served  on  a  majolica  oyster-plate,  with  a  piece  of  lemon  in 
the  centre,  are  set  at  each  place  before  the  guests  enter. 
The  oyster-fork  is  usually  placed  at  the  right  side  of  the 
plate,  but  the  other  forks  should  be  on  the  left. 

The  napkin,  as  has  been  said  elsewhere,  should  be  simply 
folded,  either  standing  upright,  like  a  sort  of  triangle,  with 
the  ends  drawn  together  to  hold  the  bread,  or  folded  square, 
with  the  top  part  creased  and  turned  back  diagonally ;  and 
the  bread,  which  should  be  cut  in  small  thick  pieces,  and  not 
in  slices,  tucked  under  this  fold  —  or  in  any  other  simple 
way. 

The  glasses  are  placed  on  the  right.  For  champagne 
glasses  a  broad,  low,  flaring  shape  is  now  in  vogue,  although 
the  old-fashioned  long  slender  ones  are  much  more  graceful. 
For  hock,  green  glass,  and  for  claret  or  Burgundy,  deep  red 


DINNER-PARTIES.  77 

glass  should  be  used  ;  for  sherry,  a  white  wine-glass,  of  con- 
ventional form,  the  old  unchanging  pattern,  remains  always 
essentially  the  same. 

Seven  and  even  nine  wine-glasses  are  sometimes  put  beside 
each  plate,  but  most  of  us  would  not  approve  of  such  a  profu- 
sion of  wine  as  this  would  imply.  At  other  tables,  two  extra 
glasses,  one  for  sherry  or  Madeira,  and  the  other  for  claret  or 
Burgundy,  are  put  on  with  the  dessert.  These  late-coming 
glasses  are  usually  very  delicate,  as  they  accompany  choice 
wines.  No  table-spoons  (save  those  for  soup)  or  other  extra 
silver  are  placed  on  table  for  diner  ct  la  Russe,  and  no  cruets 
or  casters. 

After  the  raw  oysters  soup  is  served.  At  very  stylish 
dinners  it  is  customary  to  serve  two  soups,  —  white  and 
broAvn,  or  white  and  clear.  A  thick  soup  is  puree,  and  a 
clear  soup  is  consomme.  The  soup,  like  the  rest  of  the 
dinner,  is  served  from  the  sideboard. 

Fish  is  the  next  course,  and  is  followed  by  the  entries, 
or  "those  dishes  which  are  served  in  the  first  course  after 
the  fish."  It  is  well  to  serve  two  entrees  at  once  at  a  very 
elaborate  dinner,  and  thus  save  time.  To  these  succeed  the 
roast,  followed  by  Roman  punch,  and  this  in  turn  is  fol- 
lowed by  game  and  salad.  Roman  punch  should  only  be 
given  with  a  dinner  of  many  courses ;  it  is  quite  out  of  place 
at  a  simple  dinner,  where  there  is  only  one  course  of  meat. 
It  is  properly  an  "entremet,"  or  "  dish  coming  after  the  roast, 
in  the  second  course." 

Salad  is  sometimes  served  with  the  game,  or  again,  it  is 
served  as  a  separate  course,  accompanied  with  cheese  and 
with  bread  and  butter.  The  bread  should  be  cut  very  thin 
and  nicely  buttered,  although  sometimes  the  butter  and  bread 
are  served  separately. 

Cheese  is  often  made  a  course  by  itself ;  indeed,  the  gen- 
eral tendency  of  the  modern  dinner  is  to  have  each  dish  "  all 


78  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

alone  by  itself,"  like  the  one  fishball  of  classic  memory. 
This  style,  however,  may  be  carried  too  far.  Only  one  or  at 
most  two  vegetables  are  served  with  one  course,  and  many 
vegetables  make  a  course  by  themselves,  as  asparagus,  sweet 
corn,  macaroni,  etc. 

Some  people  think  it  is  very  barbarous  to  eat  corn  from 
the  cob,  but  many  others  consider  it  entirely  allowable  to 
do  so.  A  lady  who  gives  many  elegant  dinners  at  New- 
port causes  to  be  laid  beside  the  plate  of  each  guest  two 
little  silver-gilt  spike-like  arrangements.  Each  person  then 
places  these  in  either  end  of  the  corn-cob,  and  eats  his  corn 
holding  it  by  two  silver  handles  as  it  were. 

After  the  salad  and  cheese  come  the  ices  and  sweet  dishes, 
then  the  fruit,  then  the  bonbons.  Coffee  is  usually  served 
in  the  drawing-room,  although  it  may  be  handed  around  in 
the  dining-room  if  the  guests  have  not  already  sat  too  long 
at  the  table. 

Gentlemen  stay  at  table  a  short  time  after  the  ladies  have 
left  it,  discussing  wine,  cigars,  and  liqueurs  (or  cordials),  and 
no  doubt  indulging  in  the  most  improving  conversation. 
After  dinner  coffee  should  always  be  cafe  noir,  or  strong 
black  coffee.  It  should  be  poured  out  in  the  kitchen  or 
butler's  pantry  and  handed  round  on  a  salver  in  tiny  cups, 
with  tiny  gold  or  silver  spoons  and  lump  sugar,  but  no 
cream  or  milk. 

For  all  the  hot-meat  courses,  entrees,  etc.,  the  guests  are 
provided  with  hot  plates ;  but  these  are  not  used  for  salads 
nor  cold  meats,  nor  for  hot  puddings,  which  keep  their 
own  heat  too  well  to  need  any  artificial  aid. 

For  a  dinner  of  many  courses  the  knives  and  forks  laid 
beside  the  plates  will  not  be  sufficient.  Therefore  at  a  later 
stage  of  the  entertainment  a  fresh  fork,  or  fork  and  knife, 
as  the  course  may  require,  is  set  before  each  person  on  a  fresh 
plate. 


DINNER-PARTIES.  79 

Before  the  dessert  everything  is  of  course  cleared  from  the 
table  except  the  table-cloth,  which  is  never  taken  away  now, 
for  two  reasons  :  first,  because  this  would  disturb  too  much 
the  many  decorations  which  adorn  a  modern  feast ;  second, 
because,  with  the  new  methods  of  serving,  there  is  little 
danger  of  soiling  the  cloth. 

For  the  dessert,  a  silver  dessert  knife  and  fork  and  a  gold 
or  silver  dessert  spoon  are  put  at  each  place.  To  these  is 
often  added  an  ice-spoon,  —  a  compromise  between  a  fork  and 
a  spoon.  The  finger-bowl  comes  with  the  fruit ;  it  is  set  on 
the  plate  (usually  a  glass  one  or  a  handsomely  decorated 
china  one),  a  fruit  napkin  or  one  of  the  embroidered  doi- 
lies now  so  fashionable  being  placed  between. 

As  these  dainty  trifles  often  cost  twenty-five  or  thirty 
dollars  a  dozen,  it  would  be  an  act  of  Vandalism  to  do  more 
than  look  at  them ;  the  guest,  therefore,  must  fall  back  on  his 
dinner-napkin  for  real  use.  For  peaches,  a  genuine  fruit  nap- 
.kin  should  be  provided,  as  they  stain  white  ones  very  badly. 

Sherry  is  the  proper  wine  to  accompany  soup.  Chablis, 
hock,  or  sauterne  go  with  the  fish  course,  claret  and  cham- 
pagne with  the  roast.  If  Madeira  and  port  are  used,  they 
should  come  after  the  game.  Sherry  and  claret,  or  Bur- 
gundy, are  again  offered  with  the  dessert,  the  after-dinner 
wines  being  of  a  superior  quality  to  those  served  during  the 
meal. 

Cordials  or  liqueurs  come  after  the  dessert.  These  are 
poured  out  by  the  butler  into  tiny  glasses  and  passed 
around  the  table  on  a  small  salver.  Champagne  and  other 
sparkling  wines  should  be  set  in  an  ice-pail  to  cool  until  just 
before  they  are  served.  They  are  never  decanted,  but 
poured  out  as  quickly  as  possible  after  they  are  opened. 

It  is  customary  in  this  country  to  pass  around  a  silver  or 
china  ice-bowl  containing  broken  ice  before  the  champagne 
is  offered  ;  but  the  servant  should  never  put  ice  in  any  one's 


80  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

glass  without  first  asking  if  he  wishes  it,  as  some  people 
object  decidedly  to  having  their  wine  thus  weakened. 
Claret  is  not  usually  decanted  in  America.  It  should  never 
be  iced,  but,  on  the  contrary,  is  sometimes  warmed  slightly ; 
it  should  be  about  the  same  temperature  as  the  room.  The 
same  is  true  of  Burgundy. 

Sherry,  Madeira,  and  port  are  always  decanted,  and  are 
placed  on  the  sideboard  ready  for  use.  No  wine  should  be 
put  on  the  dinner-table  at  first.  At  a  later  stage  decanters 
may  be  set  before  the  host,  who  sends  them  to  his  guests. 
When  these  are  placed  on  the  table  gentlemen  help  them- 
selves and  the  ladies  next  to  them. 

Champagne  is  passed  many  a  time  and  oft  during  the 
dinner,  being  a  favorite  wine ;  but  it  is  not  usually  handed 
with  the  dessert  in  this  country,  whereas  on  the  Continent 
it  is  served  with  the  sweets.  A  napkin  should  always  be 
fastened  around  a  champagne  bottle,  as  it  is  almost  neces- 
sarily wet  from  recent  contact  with  the  ice. 

For  a  small  dinner  it  is  quite  sufficient  to  have  two  or 
three  wines ;  in  this  case,  sherry  with  the  soup,  and  claret 
or  champagne  with  the  roast,  would  be  the  best  selection. 
Wine  should  be  offered  on  the  right  hand,  thus  making  an 
exception  to  the  rule  in  accordance  with  which  all  dishes  are 
handed  on  the  left  hand. 

The  washing  of  plates,  silver,  etc.,  at  a  dinner-party 
should  if  possible  be  performed  at  such  a  distance  from  the 
dining-room  that  the  clatter  will  be  inaudible  to  those  seated 
at  table.  In  order  to  give  an  elaborate  dinner  it  is  almost 
indispensable  that  one  should  have  a  large  quantity  of  china 
and  plate,  otherwise  the  delay  from  washing  the  dishes  will 
be  endless.  Those  that  have  been  used  should  be  at  once 
removed  from  the  dining-room,  a  page  or  maid-servant 
carrying  them  away ;  and  one  or  two  servants  should  be  em- 
ployed in  washing  them. 


DINNER-PARTIES.  81 

When  one  plate  is  taken  away  at  the  end  of  a  course 
another  is  at  once  substituted  for  it.  If  a  knife  and  fork 
are  laid  on  this,  the  guest  should  take  them  off  promptly, 
otherwise  he  may  delay  the  serving  of  the  next  course. 
For  the  same  reason  the  finger-bowl  and  doily  should  be 
at  once  removed  from  the  plate. 

The  entries  are  generally  passed  to  guests  in  order  that 
they  may  help  themselves.  Sometimes,  however,  all  the 
courses  are  helped  from  the  side-table.  It  is  considered 
to  be  in  better  style  for  the  servant  to  have  a  small  napkin 
wrapped  around  his  hand,  so  that  it  shall  not  come  in  con- 
tact with  the  dishes  as  he  passes  them,  rather  than  that  he 
should  wear  gloves.  Only  hired  waiters  wear  gloves. 

The  number  of  servants  required  to  wait  on  a  dinner 
depends  largely  on  their  efficiency.  At  a  large  dinner  one 
waiter  to  every  three  guests,  or  even  to  every  two  guests,  is 
sometimes  employed  ;  per  contra,  one  thoroughly  trained  and 
efficient  waiter  can  attend  to  eight  or  ten  people. 

At  large  and  ceremonious  dinners  a  card  with  each  person's 
name  is  usually  placed  on  or  beside  each  plate.  If  a  menu 
or  bill  of  fare  is  used  it  may  be  laid  beside  the  other  card,  or 
it  may  be  placed  in  the  pretty  and  fanciful  menu-holders  that 
are  now  easily  obtainable.  Where  these  holders  are  used 
there  should  be  at  least  one  to  every  two  guests,  or  still  better 
one  to  each  person  ;  but  many  people  do  not  consider  menu- 
cards  appropriate  in  a  private  house. 

As  the  custom  is  now  abolished  of  waiting  till  every  one 
is  helped  before  beginning  to  eat,  it  should  be  one  servant's 
duty  to  pass  the  proper  sauce  or  vegetables  to  each  person 
just  after  he  has  been  helped  by  another  servant  to  the  meat. 
This  greatly  expedites  matters,  besides  enabling  every  one  to 
begin  to  eat  his  dinner  while  it  is  still  hot. 

The  order  in  which  the  guests  should  be  helped  depends 
somewhat  on  the  number  of  servants  who  wait  on  the  table. 

6 


82  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Where  there  are  a  number  in  attendance,  one  servant  should 
begin  on  each  side  of  the  table,  helping  first  the  lady  sitting 
next  the  host,  and  then  the  other  ladies,  in  the  order  in 
which  they  sit.  The  gentlemen  should  be  helped  afterward, 
the  host  always  receiving  his  plate  last. 

Where,  however,  the  attendance  is  limited,  and  it  is  desira- 
ble to  expedite  matters,  the  servant  may  first  help  the  lady 
on  the  host's  right  (the  guest  of  honor),  then  the  one  on  his 
left,  and  then  the  guests  as  they  sit,  ladies  and  gentlemen, 
leaving  the  host  to  be  helped  last.  But  it  is  always  desira- 
ble to  help  all  the  ladies  first. 

The  butler  or  head  waiter  is  much  too  grand  a  person  to 
wear  any  man's  livery.  He  wears  full  evening  dress,  —  dress- 
coat,  white  tie,  etc.,  for  late  dinners.  Earlier  in  the  day  he 
appears  in  dark  morning  costume.  The  second  man  wears 
livery,  and  where  more  than  two  men  are  kept,  the  others 
wear  livery  also. 

The  drinking  of  toasts  is  going  out  of  fashion  ;  people  still 
occasionally  drink  one  another's  health.  In  order  to  do  so  it 
is  merely  necessary  to  bow,  when  the  other  person  bows  in 
return.  Each  one  then  drinks  a  few  drops  of  wine  and  sets 
down  his  glass,  bowing  once  more. 


CHAPTEE   IX. 

ETIQUETTE   OF  THE   TABLE. 

"  EAT  at  your  table  as  you  would  eat  at  the  table  of  the 
king,"  said  Confucius;  and  the  advice  is  as  good  now  as  when 
it  was  given  nearly  three  thousand  years  ago.  If  you  would 
learn  to  behave  well  in  company  you  must  behave  well  at 
home ;  otherwise  the  polite  manners  which  you  assume  when 
you  are  abroad  will  fit  you  much  as  a  workman's  Sunday 
suit  fits  him.  He  wears  it  with  an  unaccustomed  air  which 
shows  far  more  plainly  than  words  that  this  is  not  his 
habitual  dress ;  and  behavior  that  is  kept  for  high  days  and 
holidays  betrays  itself  in  a  like  manner. 

A  still  better  reason  for  uniformity  in  one's  manners  is, 
that  it  savors  of  hypocrisy  to  behave  in  one  way  at  home 
and  in  a  totally  different  way  in  society.  A  greater  amount 
of  ease  and  freedom  may  certainly  be  permitted  in  one's  own 
house ;  but  the  keynote  of  a  person's  behavior  should  always 
be  the  same  :  self-respect  and  respect  for  others  must  never 
be  forgotten. 

What  an  excellent  custom  of  the  old  French  monarchy  it 
was,  that  of  breakfasting  in  public,  and  giving  the  people 
every  day  a  lesson  from  the  very  best  authorities  on  the 
proper  way  to  behave  at  the  table!  Whether  the  French 
kiug  who  first  set  this  fashion  had  read  Confucius  is  more 
than  doubtful ;  but  as  great  minds  think  alike,  he  was  proba- 


84  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

bly  actuated  by  the  same  general  idea,  and  determined  to 
show  his  subjects  a  good  example  in  the  way  of  manners, 
whatever  his  views  of  morals  may  have  been. 

Too  much  stress  cannot  be  laid  on  the  importance  of  refine- 
ment at  the  table,  both  in  manners  and  in  the  laying  and 
service  of  the  table  itself.  The  habit  of  eating  together  and 
at  stated  times  is  one  of  the  distinguishing  marks  that  sepa- 
rate civilized  men  from  savages,  and  a  man's  behavior  at 
table  is  a  pretty  sure  indication  of  his  social  status. 

The  negroes  on  the  old  Southern  plantations  could  hardly 
be  induced  to  eat  their  meals  save  irregularly  and  by  snatches. 
To  them  the  idea  of  sitting  down  to  a  regularly  set  table  at 
a  formal  meal  was  extremely  irksome.  As  extremes  meet,  the 
first  gentleman  in  England,  the  Prince  of  Wales,  has  also 
found  the  customs  of  society  too  formal,  and  he  has  very 
wisely  shortened  the  length  of  a  fashionable  dinner  from 
three  or  four  hours  to  an  hour  or  an  hour  and  a  half,  two 
hours  being  the  very  outside  limit  now  allowed. 

In  a  subsequent  chapter,  "  Children,  and  how  they  should 
behave  at  the  Table,"  many  gaucheries  of  which  grown  people 
as  well  as  children  are  often  guilty  are  mentioned.  Still, 
the  catalogue  there  given  is  not  an  exhaustive  one,  and  a 
few  hints  on  the  etiquette  of  the  table  will  not  be  out  of 
place  here.  Imprimis,  one  should  never  speak,  unless  in  jest, 
of  "  table  manners  ; "  the  expression  is  tabooed  in  good 
society,  as  are  also  the  kindred  ones,  "parlor  manners," 
"  company  manners,"  etc. 

Never  come  late  to  a  dinner-party.  The  old  rule  was  that 
guests  should  arrive  within  five  minutes  of  the  appointed 
hour,  either  before  or  after.  Some  people  say  that  the  eti- 
quette on  this  point  is  not  as  strict  as  formerly,  but  it  is  much 
wiser  to  be  on  the  safe  side.  Gentlemen  should  not  take 
their  seats  until  the  ladies  are  seated,  and  each  gentleman 
should  pull  out  the  chair  for  the  lady  next  him,  and  assist 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  TABLE.  85 

her  to  draw  it  up  to  the  table  before  seating  himself.  This 
is  not  always  necessary,  as  the  servants  assume  the  duty 
where  there  are  a  number  of  them  in  attendance. 

It  is  not  the  easiest  thing  in  the  world  to  assume  a  proper 
attitude  at  table,  for  it  is  very  awkward  to  bend  over  your 
plate  or  to  lean  over  between  each  mouthful.  On  the  other 
hand,  it  does  not  look  well  to  lean  back  in  one's  chair  when 
eating,  or  to  sit  up  as  stiffly  as  if  one  had  just  swallowed  a 
ramrod. 

It  is  not  allowable  to  ask  for  a  second  helping  of  soup  or 
fish,  and  the  reason  of  the  rule  is  that  these  courses  are  pre- 
liminary to  the  pieces  de  resistance  of  the  dinner ;  therefore 
most  people  prefer  not  to  delay  over  them,  and  in  asking  for 
a  second  plate  of  soup  you  keep  the  whole  assemblage  wait- 
ing for  one  person. 

There  is  a  story  of  the  Revolution,  however,  which  shows 
that  this  law  was  not  then  held  in  such  sacred  esteem  as  it 
is  now.  According  to  the  tradition,  a  number  of  French 
officers  were  invited  to  dine  with  an  aristocratic  family  at 
Newport,  and  the  soup  was  so  rich  and  so  good  that  the 
French  chevaliers  never  got  beyond  that  course ! 

Soup  is  a  terrible  snare  to  the  unwary,  especially  if  the 
unwary  happens  to  have  a  moustache  !  For  it  is  one  of  the 
unpardonable  sins  of  the  social  decalogue  to  eat  soup  noisily. 
Neither,  however,  can  you  save  yourself  by  refusing  soup, 
since  this  also  would  be  bad  form.  If  it  is  of  a  sort  which 
you  especially  dislike,  simply  let  it  alone.  In  helping  to 
soup,  do  not  fill  the  plate  ;  half  a  ladleful  suffices,  where  the 
ladle  is  large. 

The  old  rule,  never  to  use  a  knife  with  fish,  was  so  very 
inconvenient,  especially  in  eating  shad,  that  it  has  been  aban- 
doned. Silver  fish-knives  are  now  provided  at  all  ceremo- 
nious dinners.  They  are  of  a  peculiar  shape  and  of  small 
size,  as  also  are  the  forks  that  accompany  them. 


86  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

It  used  to  be  a  standing  reproach  to  Americans  that  they 
ate  so  rapidly  ;  but  we  have  improved  in  this  respect  as  we 
have  grown  more  luxurious.  Still,  every  one  should  remember 
that  haste  in  eating  is  inelegant  as  well  as  very  unwholesome. 

If  any  competent  person  should  institute  a  knife,  fork,  and 
spoon  drill,  and  should  offer  to  give  private  lessons  in  the 
use  of  these  formidable  weapons,  he  might  easily  make  a  for- 
tune. The  knife  is  the  easiest  of  the  dread  trio  to  manage, 
if  you  can  successfully  resist  the  temptation  to  thrust  it  into 
the  mouth,  that  besets  so  many  people. 

Everybody  ate  with  their  knives  before  the  invention  of 
the  four-pronged  fork,  because  with  the  old  two-pronged 
instrument  it  was  manifestly  impossible  to  eat  pease,  rice,  and 
many  other  articles  of  food.  All  English-speaking  nations, 
however,  as  well  as  the  French,  now  absolutely  forbid  the 
use  of  the  knife  except  to  cut  with.  On  the  Continent, 
society  is  not  so  strictly  divided  by  the  "knife  line;"  and 
it  would  not  be  safe  in  Germany,  for  instance,  to  judge  of  a 
man's  social  position  by  his  method  of  using  his  knife. 

It  is  an  awkward  trick  to  raise  and  spread  out  the  elbows 
when  cutting  up  the  food.  It  also  looks  very  badly  to 
seize  the  knife  too  far  down  on  the  blade  or  to  grasp  it  too 
vigorously. 

Every  one  ought  to  know  how  to  carve,  otherwise  he 
may  be  placed  in  the  predicament  of  the  Boston  lady  who 
had  chicken  for  dinner  but  was  utterly  ignorant  of  how 
to  cut  it  up.  "Mother  took  hold  of  one  drumstick  and  I 
took  hold  of  the  other,  and  we  ran  till  we  pulled  it  apart,"  — 
so  she  told  the  story! 

The  modern  custom  of  having  the  butler  do  all  the  carv- 
ing on  the  sideboard  saves  the  master  of  the  house  a  great 
deal  of  trouble  ;  but  there  are  still  many  occasions  on  which 
it  is  very  important  to  be  able  to  carve,  —  at  luncheon,  at 
informal  suppers,  dinners  in  the  country,  picnics,  etc. 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  TABLE.  87 

Charles  James  Fox,  who  made  it  a  point  to  do  everything 
well  and  vigorously  that  he  once  undertook,  was  an  ex- 
cellent carver.  It  is  related  in  Trevelyan's  life  of  him  that 
he  used  to  have  a  book  giving  special  directions  about  carv- 
ing by  his  side  at  table,  so  that  he  might  be  sure  to  carve 
in  the  best  possible  manner. 

It  is  not  well  to  emphasize  one's  conversation  by  wav- 
ing about  one's  knife  or  fork,  even  in  an  entirely  peaceful 
and  friendly  manner. 

The  fork  has  now  become  the  favorite  and  fashionable 
utensil  for  conveying  food  to  the  mouth.  First  it  crowded 
out  the  knife,  and  now  in  its  pride  it  has  invaded  the 
domain  of  the  once  powerful  spoon.  The  spoon  is  now 
pretty  well  subdued  also,  and  the  fork,  insolent  and  trium- 
phant, has  become  a  sumptuary  tyrant.  The  true  devotee 
of  fashion  does  not  dare  to  use  a  spoon  except  to  stir  his 
tea  or  to  eat  his  soup  with,  and  meekly  eats  his  ice-cream 
witli  a  fork  and  pretends  to  like  it. 

Vegetables  are  always  eaten  with  a  fork  now,  save  as- 
paragus, which  may  be  held  in  the  fingers  by  the  butt  and 
eaten  without  other  assistance.  Where  it  is  much  covered 
with  sauce  it  is  certainly  the  part  of  discretion  to  use  a 
fork. 

Olives  are  eaten  with  the  fingers,  as  being  a  species  of  fruit. 
For  salad,  good  authorities  sanction  the  use  of  both  knife  and 
fork,  unless  the  salad  has  been  cut  up  beforehand.  One 
should  use  a  knife  as  little  as  possible,  however,  and  only 
where  the  lettuce  leaves  are  so  large  that  they  cannot  be 
managed  with  the  aid  of  a  silver  fork  and  a  piece  of  bread. 
To  cut  up  salad  very  fine  on  one's  plate,  until  it  is  like,  mince- 
meat, is  in  decidedly  bad  taste.  This  should  be  done  before 
the  dish  comes  to  table,  if  at  all. 

Croquettes,  patties,  and  most  of  the  made  dishes  which 
now  are  so  much  in  vogue  should  be  eaten  with  a  fork ; 


88  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

indeed,  at  a  modern  fashionable  lunch  or  dinner  a  large 
proportion  of  the  courses  require  no  other  implement.  Of 
course  a  knife  must  be  used  for  plain  beef  and  mutton, 
chops,  cutlets,  game,  etc.  Cheese  should  be  eaten  with  a 
fork  where  it  is  at  all  soft,  and  so  should  most  fruits,  as 
has  been  said  elsewhere.  Celery  is  usually  held  in  the  fin- 
gers and  eaten  au  naturel. 

Another  use  for  the  fork  is  to  convey  back  to  the  plate 
fish-bones  and  other  reliquiae  which  one  cannot  swallow ; 
these  objects  should  be  got  rid  of,  by  means  of  the  fork,  in 
the  most  quiet  and  unobtrusive  manner  possible. 

The  spoon  is  used  for  water-ices,  Roman  punch,  soup, 
puddings,  tea  and  coffee,  preserves  and  canned  fruits,  for 
all  berries,  especially  if  cream  is  served  with  them,  for  cus- 
tards, —  in  fact,  for  whatever  dishes  are  too  liquid  to  be  man- 
aged with  a  fork.  A  spoon  should  never  be  left  standing  in 
a  teacup,  but  should  be  laid  on  the  saucer. 

Never  look  as  if  you  were  trying  to  swallow  either  a  spoon 
or  a  fork ;  it  has  been  done,  and  though  the  man  did  not  die 
he  came  very  near  it.  Do  not,  either,  adopt  the  childish 
habit  of  turning  your  spoon  upside  down  in  your  mouth 
like  an  abandoned  boat  at  sea.  This  looks  as  badly,  nay 
worse  than  eating  bread  with  the  butter-side  down. 

It  is  better  to  break  bread  into  pieces  before  buttering 
it,  instead  of  buttering  the  whole  slice  at  once.  Indeed, 
only  children  should  take  "  bites  "  out  of  a  whole  slice  of 
bread.  Grown  people  break  off  pieces  of  dry  bread  with 
their  fingers  and  eat  them,  for  bread,  muffins,  biscuits,  etc., 
should  never  be  cut  apart,  but  merely  broken.  This  does 
not  apply,  of  course,  to  cutting  the  bread  from  the  loaf. 

It  is  very  difficult  to  describe  on  paper  the  correct  way  of 
carrying  the  fork  or  spoon  to  the  mouth.  Mrs.  Sherwood 
says  :  "  The  fork  should  be  raised  laterally  to  the  mouth 
with  the  right  hand ;  the  elbow  should  never  be  crooked,  so 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  TABLE.  89 

as  to  bring  the  hand  round  at  a  right  angle,  or  the  fork 
directly  opposite  the  mouth."  In  other  words,  the  fork 
should  be  nearly  parallel  with  the  mouth,  and  not  at  right 
angles  with  it. 

Seeing,  however,  is  better  than  hearing  in  such  a  case. 
For  dwellers  in  cities,  a  simple  recipe  would  be,  Go  to  the 
Brevoort  or  Delmonico's  in  New  York,  or  to  Young's  in 
Boston,  and  bribe  the  head  waiter  to  point  out  to  you  any 
"  real  old  families  "  that  may  be  present,  and  watch  their 
operations.  Alas !  even  then  you  may  be  disappointed. 
There  are  men  of  old  family  and  high  degree  who  eat  un- 
pleasantly, —  champing  the  end  of  the  fork,  perhaps,  as  if 
it  Avere  a  curb  bit. 

While  it  is  very  undesirable  to  appear  greedy  or  in  too 
much  haste,  still  it  is  always  proper  to  ask  to  have  things 
handed  to  you  after  waiting  a  suitable  length  of  time. 
Ask  the  servant,  however,  if  one  is  present ;  a  word  or  sign 
will  bring  an  efficient  waiter  to  your  side,  and  you  can  then 
quietly  tell  him  what  you  need. 

At  a  ceremonious  dinner  one  does  not  need  to  ask  for  any- 
thing, unless  perhaps  for  a  fresh  knife  or  fork  (if  one's  own 
has  fallen  upon  the  floor),  a  piece  of  bread,  salt,  etc.  Some 
people,  however,  even  when  staying  at  the  house  of  an  inti- 
mate friend,  will  starve  rather  than  ask  to  have  any  dish 
passed  to  them.  This  is  not  in  accordance  with  good  man- 
ners. While  it  is  the  part  of  the  host,  either  personally  or 
through  well-trained  servants,  to  see  that  his  guest  wants 
for  nothing,  it  is  also  the  part  of  the  guest  to  assist  his 
entertainer  in  the  matter,  and  to  mention  anything  that  has 
been  forgotten. 

At  a  dinner  one  must  not  neglect  one's  next-door  neighbors. 
While  it  is  often  pleasanter  to  listen  to  some  witty  and 
agreeable  person  opposite  than  to  talk  platitudes  to  the 
person  next  you,  still  one  must  not  appear  neglectful ;  above 


90  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

all  a  gentleman  must  not.  At  a  small  dinner  it  is  very 
pleasant  occasionally  to  have  the  conversation  become  gen- 
eral ;  at  a  large  dinner,  of  course  it  is  impossible. 

The  old-fashioned  custom  of  thanking  your  hostess  for  a 
meal  is  now  unhappily  obsolete.1  It  always  seemed  such 
a  pretty,  primitive,  quaint  fashion,  that  one  would  like  to 
revive  it,  together  with  the  old  colonial  mansions  which  are 
now  once  more  beginning  to  adorn  our  land.  As  Byron 
said, — 

"Ye  have  the  Pyrrhic  dance  as  yet ; 

Where  has  the  Pyrrhic  phalanx  gone  ? 

Of  two  such  lessons,  why  forget 

The  nobler  and  the  manlier  one  ?" 

So  might  one  now  ask  why  we  could  not  go  back  to  the 
courtly  ways  of  our  ancestors,  as  well  as  adopt  their  houses, 
their  dress  —  alas  !  we  pay  little  heed  to  their  manners. 

Gentlemen  always  rise  when  ladies  leave  the  table,  and 
often  now  accompany  them  back  to  the  drawing-room.  More 
often,  however,  they  seat  themselves  again  after  the  ladies 
have  left  the  room,  and  enjoy  that  cigar  which  is  so  indis- 
pensable to  the  good-nature  of  most  men,  and  those  other 
favorites,  —  wines  and  liqueurs.  They  do  not  linger  long, 
however.  The  old  and  barbarous  British  custom  of  in- 
dulging in  deep  after-dinner  potations  is  now  universally 
condemned. 

At  a  dinner-party,  if  you  feel  uncertain  what  to  do,  ob- 
serve your  neighbors,  and  do  as  they  do.  But  above  all, 

1  Since  writing  the  above  I  have  received  a  note  from  a  friend, 
who  suggests  that  this  custom  has  been  very  recently  revived,  in  a 
modified  form,  the  guest  saying  when  she  takes  her  departure,  "I 
have  had  such  a  pleasant  time  ;  thank  you  for  asking  me."  All  which 
proves  that  great  minds  think  alike,  and  that  the  revived  colonial 
architecture,  with  its  white  trimmings,  is  already  beginning  to  have  an 
effect  on  our  manners. 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  TABLE.  91 

endeavor  to  be  calm  outwardly  and  inwardly.  Remember 
that  no  one  is  thinking  about  what  you  are  doing  half  as 
much  as  you  are  yourself,  and  if  you  seem  quiet  and  at  ease, 
people  will  notice  your  actions  much  less  than  if  you  seem 
flurried  and  troubled. 

If  you  upset  anything  on  the  cloth,  or  break  anything, 
don't  apologize  ;  and  don't  be  overwhelmed  with  confusion 
if  you  drop  your  knife  or  fork.  Such  accidents  have  hap- 
pened before,  and  will  again.  If  you  are  too  precise  and 
prim,  if  you  are  like  Dickens's  woman,  who  continually  said 
"  Papa,  potatoes,  poultry,  prunes,  and  prisms,"  you  will  not 
appear  nearly  as  well  as  with  a  quiet,  natural  manner. 

Be  careful,  however,  not  to  talk  across  people,  and  not  to 
turn  your  back  to  those  who  sit  next  you  ;  be  sure  also  to 
take  off  your  gloves  as  soon  as  you  sit  down  at  the  table. 

While  it  is  not  customary  to  refuse' soup,  it  is  perfectly 
proper  to  refuse  one  or  more  courses  at  a  long  and  elaborate 
dinner.  Menu-cards  are  very  desirable  on  such  occasions, 
since  it  is  impossible  to  eat  everything  without  being  greedy, 
and  it  is  pleasant  to  be  able  to  make  one's  choice ;  but  as  I 
have  said  elsewhere,  their  day  of  popularity  is  rapidly  pass- 
ing away. 

One  should  not  imitate  the  candor  of  a  distinguished  Eng- 
lishman who  dined  in  Washington  with  a  former  Minister  to 
St.  James,  and  who  declined  canvas-back  ducks.  His  host 
pressed  him  to  take  some,  saying  that  the  dish  was  considered 
a  great  delicacy  in  America.  "  Thank  you,  I  never  eat  raw 
meat,"  replied  the  Briton.  Nothing  daunted,  his  courteous 
entertainer  sent  the  ducks  back  to  the  kitchen  to  be  more 
thoroughly  cooked.  This  time  the  Englishman  tried  a  piece 
of  the  meat,  and  speaking  to  his  wife  across  the  table  said, 
"  My  dear,  try  a  piece.  It  is  not  nearly  as  nasty  as  it  looks  !  " 

To  refuse  wine,  place  your  hand  against  the  rim  of  the 
wine-glass  ;  it  is  never  necessary  to  take  wine  if  you  do  not 


92  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

wish  to,  but  in  this  case  it  is  better  not  to  allow  the  servant 
to  fill  your  glass.  A  wine-glass  should  be  held  by  the  stem 
and  not  by  the  bowl,  and  the  very  last  drops  from  it  should 
not  be  drunk. 

There  is  some  question  as  to  the  best  method  of  disposing 
of  one's  knife  and  fork  when  sending  one's  plate  back  for  a 
second  helping.  Some  people  say  that  they  should  be  left 
on  the  plate  (placed  carefully  together,  with  the  handles 
pointing  the  same  way,  so  that  they  may  not  fall  off),  others 
contend  that  they  should  be  retained  in  the  hand ;  modern 
custom  strongly  inclines  to  sanction  leaving  them  on  the 
plate,  while  formerly  it  was  thought  proper  to  remove  them. 

This  change  in  sentiment,  like  so  many  others  of  the  kind, 
arises  from  the  different  way  in  which  food  is  now  served ; 
in  these  days  we  eat  fewer  things  at  a  time,  therefore  our 
plates  are  not  so  much  encumbered,  and  the  carver  can  put  a 
second  supply  on  them  without  as  much  difficulty  as  under 
the  old  regime.  The  carver,  too,  is  often  the  butler ;  whereas 
formerly  he  was  always  the  master  of  the  house,  whose  con- 
venience was  of  more  importance. 

Where  dinner  is  served  in  the  old-fashioned  way,  the  gen- 
tleman who  sits  next  to  the  hostess  should  always  offer  to 
relieve  her  from  the  duty  of  carving  :  although  some  ladies, 
who  do  it  well,  prefer  to  carve  themselves. 

Fish  should  always  be  cut  up  with  a  silver  fish  knife  and 
fork,  as  steel  should  never  come  in  contact  with  it. 

It  is  now  considered  more  polite  not  to  pass  a  plate  that 
has  been  handed  to  you,  but  to  keep  it  yourself.  In  acting 
thus  you  simply  accede  to  the  arrangements  of  your  hostess, 
and  make  less  disturbance,  than  by  endeavoring  to  make  a 
new  order  of  things.  As  has  been  said  elsewhere,  one  does 
not  now  wait  for  other  people  to  be  helped  before  beginning 
to  eat ;  the  old  rule  —  of  waiting  —  certainly  seemed  more 
polite. 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  TABLE.  93 

Not  to  take  the  last  piece  on  a  dish  when  it  is  handed 
to  you  is  also  a  rule  which  has  been  relegated  to  the  chil- 
dren's table.  This  old  rule  must  have  had  its  origin  in  more 
frugal  days  than  the  present ;  the  reason  of  the  new  rule  is, 
that  if  you  refuse  to  take  the  last  piece  you  imply  a  doubt 
of  the  existence  of  a  further  supply  in  the  larder,  and  such  a 
doubt  is  a  reflection  on  your  host !  This  is  merely  one  of 
the  many  straws  which  tend  to  show  what  an  epoch  of 
luxury  and  wealth  ours  is. 

The  lady  of  the  house  should  not  allow  her  plate  to  be 
removed  until  all  her  guests  have  finished  eating. 


CHAPTEK   X. 

THE    FAMILY    DINNER-TABLE;     ITS    FURNITURE    AND 
EQUIPMENT. 

THE  service  and  arrangement  of  one's  table  must  of  course 
vary  largely  with  one's  income,  but  it  is  a  mistake  to  let 
all  the  expenditure  be  for  the  food  alone ;  part  of  it  should 
be  reserved  for  refined  appointments  of  the  table,  —  fine 
linen,  napkins  of  generous  size,  pretty  china  and  glass,  and 
well-polished  silver. 

A  lady  whose  generous  and  well-ordered  table  was  always 
a  pleasure  merely  to  look  at,  said  to  the  writer,  "  We  have 
decided  to  have  flowers  on  table  every  day  this  winter,  and 
to  make  up  for  the  additional  expense  by  having  one  dish 
less  in  our  bill  of  fare;"  a  very  pretty  idea,  and  a  sanitary 
one  too,  for  a  rich  man's  table.  We  cannot  all  afford  to  have 
hot-house  flowers  in  winter ;  but  we  can  afford  to  have  spot- 
less table-linen,  and  to  keep  the  silver  bright  and  shining,  — 
two  very  important  adjuncts  to  a  well-ordered  dinner-table. 

It  is  the  decree  of  Fashion  now  that  the  same  napkin 
must  never  appear  twice  on  table  without  being  washed  in 
the  interim  ;  hence  napkin-rings  have  gone  out  of  favor,  and 
are  not  considered  in  good  style.  Of  course  this  fashion 
makes  great  demands  upon  the  laundress,  and  cannot  well  be 
adopted  by  large  families  of  moderate  means ;  but  for  every 
one  who  can  afford  it,  for  every  one  who  wishes  to  have  her 
table  appointed  with  elegance,  it  is  indispensable  that  the 


THE  FAMILY  DINNER-TABLE.  95 

napkins  should  be  changed  at  every  meal   and   the   table- 
cloths very  frequently. 

Large  napkins  spread  on  the  table-cloth  underneath  the 
dishes  containing  meat  are  a  great  protection,  as  they  prevent 
the  spattering  of  the  cloth  by  the  carver.  Indeed,  fancy 
napkins  made  of  linen  or  crash,  fringed  and  embroidered, 
"  carver's  cloths,"  are  used  by  some  people. 

A  white  table-cloth  should  always  be  used  for  dinner ;  the 
pretty  tinted  cloths  and  napkins  that  look  so  tempting  in 
the  windows  of  the  linen  draper  may  be  used  for  breakfast  or 
luncheon,  but  are  not  en  regie  for  dinner. 

A  table-cloth  should  not  only  be  snowy-white  and  per- 
fectly fresh,  it  should  also  be  very  carefully  ironed,  and 
carefully  folded  before  it  is  ironed,  in  order  that  it  may  lie 
smooth  and  even  on  the  table.  Where  one  has  been  poorly 
ironed,  or  has  been  too  stiffly  starched,  it  will  hump  up  in 
wrinkles  in  a  way  that  is  very  unseemly.  There  should  al- 
ways be  an  undercloth,  not  only  to  make  the  table-cloth  lie 
smooth,  but  also  to  prevent  the  heat  of  the  dishes  from  mar- 
ring the  table.  White  canton  flannel  of  extra  width  is  the 
best  material  for  this  purpose. 

Table-cloths  should  be  of  fine  linen  ;  a  coarse  cloth  is  al- 
most certain  to  offend  a  delicate  taste.  Double  damask  is 
thought  to  wear  better  than  single,  though  it  is  more  expen- 
sive, and  very  pretty  fine  cloths  can  be  bought  in  single 
damask.  It  is  now  fashionable  to  embroider  table-linen  with 
the  cipher  (that  is,  interlaced  initials)  or  crest  of  the  family ; 
the  latter  may  be  placed  on  the  napkins,  and  should  be  very 
delicately  worked,  and  made  of  small  size,  in  white  thread, 
since  nothing  is  more  vulgar  than  a  loud  and  obtrusive  coat- 
of-arms,  especially  in  this  republican  country. 

For  the  table-cloths  the  cipher  should  be  two  or  three 
inches  deep,  and  may  be  marked  in  the  middle  of  each  end 
of  the  cloth,  so  as  to  show  beyond  the  dishes. 


96  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

For  dinner,  very  large  napkins  are  now  used ;  for  breakfast, 
they  should  be  rather  smaller ;  for  luncheon,  they  should  be 
of  the  same  size  as  dinner  napkins.  For  tea,  breakfast  nap- 
kins are  of  the  right  size  to  use,  although  the  little  fringed 
doilies  are  liked  better  by  some  people.  A  napkin  should 
never  be  stiff;  very  little  starch  should  be  put  in  it.  It 
should  also  be  perfectly  dry,  and  simply  folded,  lying  beside 
the  plate,  with  a  roll  or  thick  short  piece  of  bread  enclosed, 
or  placed  upon  it.  Bread  should  never  be  put  on  the  table 
at  dinner  save  in  this  fashion.  There  should  always  be  a 
reserve  supply  ready  on  the  side-table  for  those  who  like  a 
great  deal  of  the  staff  of  life. 

How  should  a  napkin  be  arranged  ?  According  to  strict 
etiquette,  it  should  not  be  fully  unfolded  and  spread  out,  but 
should  be  laid  across  the  knees,  partially  opened,  to  be  used 
as  a  towel  only  ;  that  is  to  say,  to  wipe  the  fingers  and 
mouth. 

The  master  of  ceremonies  in  the  time  of  Louis  Napoleon 
considered  it  a  decided  breach  of  the  etiquette  of  the  table 
to  unfold  the  napkin  entirely  and  spread  it  out.  But  this  is 
a  very  absurd  and  unpractical  custom,  especially  for  people 
who  are  apt  to  drop  their  food  ;  and  almost  every  one  does  so 
occasionally.  I  merely  give  it  as  the  strict  rule  for  formal 
occasions  —  and  for  very  careful  eaters. 

For  every-day  use,  and  for  ordinary  people,  the  proper  and 
usual  way  is  to  spread  the  napkin  over  the  knees ;  it  should 
never  be  placed  at  the  neck,  save  for  children,  nor  should  it 
be  tucked  into  a  buttonhole. 

Should  the  napkin  be  folded  on  leaving  the  table  ?  It 
should  never  be,  at  a  formal  or  ceremonious  meal.  At  a 
dinner-party,  for  instance,  no  one  thinks  now-a-days  of  fold- 
ing up  a  napkin  ;  indeed,  the  custom  is  going  out  of  favor 
generally,  as  a  logical  corollary  of  the  fashion  of  having  fresh 
napkins  at  every  meal.  Still,  if  one  is  staying  at  another 


THE  FAMILY  DINNER-TABLE.  97 

person's  house,  and  is  uncertain  what  its  customs  may  be,  the 
best  way  is  to  watch  the  hostess  and  to  do  as  she  does  in  the 
matter  ;  because  if  the  lady  of  the  house  does  not  intend  to 
provide  clean  napery  at  every  meal,  her  guests  must  con- 
form to  her  usages,  otherwise  they  will  appear  careless  and 
underbred. 

Fruit  napkins  should  be  brought  in  with  the  dessert,  placed 
on  the  dessert-plate  beneath  the  finger-bowl.  They  are  indis- 
pensable on  any  formal  occasion,  unless  ornamental  doilies  are 
used ;  indeed,  it  is  well  to  use  them  even  at  the  simplest  meal, 
where  fruit  is  on  the  table,  because  they  prevent  the  staining 
of  the  white  napkins.  Some  hostesses  provide  them  in  addi- 
tion to  the  ornamental  doilies.  In  this  case  the  fruit  napkin 
is  placed  on  top  of  the  finger-bowl,  or  beside  it  on  the  plate. 

The  large  caster-stands  which  were  formerly  placed  in  the 
centre  of  the  table  have  now  gone  entirely  out  of  style,  and 
are  replaced  by  small  silver  stands  for  pepper  —  an  owl  is  a 
favorite  shape  for  them  —  placed  at  the  four  corners  of  the 
table,  or  one  at  each  plate. 

Oil  and  vinegar  are  usually  placed  on  the  sideboard  only, 
but  may  be  placed  on  the  table  if  preferred,  in  little  orna- 
mental glass  bottles  or  jugs.  Mustard  also  is  relegated  to 
the  sideboard  by  most  people.  At  a  very  formal  dinner, 
pepper,  oil,  vinegar,  etc.,  are  not  permitted  on  the  table. 
To  tell  the  truth,  they  are  seldom  required  at  such  a  meal, 
where  every  dish  has  its  proper  seasoning  and  sauce  ready 
provided. 

The  old-fashioned  caster-stand  was  such  an  ugly  and  awk- 
ward thing  that  it  certainly  deserved  sentence  of  banishment. 
Nor  can  one  regret  the  exile  of  the  spoon-tumbler,  which  is 
now  rarely  used. 

The  truth  is  that  the  aesthetic  movement  in  this  country 
is  nowhere  more  visible  than  in  the  arrangement  and  appoint- 
ments of  the  table.  We  have  made  wonderful  advances  in 

7 


98  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

this  matter  during  the  last  ten  years,  and  the  changes  that 
have  taken  place  are  all  in  the  direction  of  greater  elegance 
and  refinement. 

We  have  grown  more  indolent  too  in  proportion  as  we 
have  grown  more  luxurious,  and  the  appointments  of  the 
table  are  not  only  more  elegant  in  themselves,  they  are  also 
such  as  to  obviate  the  necessity  of  any  passing  of  dishes  save 
by  the  servants.  We  require  these  to  be  better  trained  now 
than  formerly,  and  to  wait  more  quietly  and  move  constantly. 

The  use  of  a  little  silver  or  brass  tray  or  waiter,  on  which  a 
servant  now  hands  all  the  dishes,  is  a  very  great  improvement 
upon  the  old-fashioned  method  by  which  the  servant  grasped 
the  dish  in  her  hand,  often  placing  her  thumbs  unpleasantly 
near  the  food. 

On  the  other  hand,  the  banishment  of  mats  from  the  table 
polite  is  not  an  unmixed  blessing.  Many  servants  find  great 
difficulty  in  replacing  the  dishes  in  their  exact  places ;  and 
the  mat  was  a  great  assistance  to  them  in  this  respect,  besides 
the  saving  of  the  cloth  that  it  effected. 

Individual  salt-cellars  are  much  used  now,  and  from  these 
it  is  entirely  proper  to  help  yourself  with  your  knife  if  no 
salt-spoon  has  been  provided.  But  housekeepers  should 
remember  that  where  salt-spoons  are  not  used,  the  salt  should 
be  thrown  out  and  replaced  by  fresh  at  every  meal. 

The  crumb-brush  is  not  used  nearly  as  much  as  was  for- 
merly the  case,  for  the  very  good  reason  that  it  must  almost 
necessarily  be  somewhat  soiled,  since  it  cannot  be  washed 
easily  and  often,  like  a  crumb-scraper  or  napkin.  A  silver 
crumb-scraper  with  a  plate  or  tray  is  much  used  for  clearing 
the  table,  though  a  folded  napkin  is  preferable  on  formal 
occasions  because  it  makes  less  noise. 

It  has  been  said  in  another  chapter  that  separate  plates  for 
vegetables  are  not  considered  to  be  in  good  style.  An  excep- 
tion to  this  rule  is  made  in  the  case  of  salad.  Where  this  is 


THE  FAMILY  DINNER-TABLE.  99 

served  at  the  same  time  with  vegetables  and  meat  or  fish,  it  is 
always  proper  to  have  a  second  plate  for  it,  about  the  size 
of  a  tea-plate.  The  reason  is  an  obvious  one ;  namely,  the 
unpleasant  mixture  that  would  ensue  if  the  oil  and  vinegar 
from  the  dressing  should  mingle  with  the  vegetables. 

Where  no  vegetable  is  served  with  the  salad,  a  second 
plate  is  not  needed.  Thus  fish,  with  cucumber  salad,  calls 
for  one  plate  only ;  but  if  potato  is  served  in  addition,  then 
a  second  is  required.  It  is  better,  however,  to  serve  the  fish 
with  only  one  accompaniment,  either  salad  or  potato,  instead 
of  both.  No  vegetable  except  potato  can  be  served  with 
fish. 

Butter  is  now  banished  even  from  the  family  dinner-table 
by  people  who  follow  the  new  customs.  It  should  be  placed 
upon  the  sideboard  and  passed  around  when  sweet  potatoes, 
sweet  corn,  etc.,  are  served.  If  butter  is  used  at  dinner, 
butter-plates  should  always  be  provided  for  each  person,  as 
otherwise  the  combination  of  hot  dinner-plates  with  melting 
butter  slipping  down  their  edges  is  far  from  agreeable. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

CHILDREN,  AND  HOW  THEY  SHOULD  BEHAVE  AT 
THE  TABLE. 

THE  parents  who  bring  their  children  up  well  and  carefully, 
who  furnish  them  with  an  adequate  physical,  mental,  and 
moral  training,  truly  deserve  the  gratitude  of  the  State,  as 
well  as  that  of  their  offspring. 

In  the  mad  struggle  for  wealth  which  now  pervades  all 
clashes  of  society,  this  homely,  old-fashioned  truth  is  quite 
lost  sight  of.  Men  strain  every  nerve  to  amass  great  fortunes 
for  themselves  and  their  children,  and  forget  that  the  wealth 
of  Midas  himself  would  not  long  benefit  the  man  who  had 
not  been  taught  to  use  it  aright.  We  all  know  what  becomes 
of  a  beggar  who  is  set  on  horseback ;  and  most  of  us  have 
seen  the  ill  consequences  that  too  often  ensue  when  a  great 
amount  of  money  is  suddenly  put  into  the  hands  of  some 
gilded  and  foolish  youth,  college-bred  perhaps,  but  wanting 
in  all  practical  training  and  discipline,  nevertheless. 

Golden  armor  is  a  great  help  ;  but  to  fight  the  battle  of  life 
successfully  one  needs  above  all  to  be  a  skilful  soldier. 

Great  attention  is  certainly  given  now-a-days  to  education 
in  certain  forms,  —  education  in  schools  and  colleges ;  but 
even  here  there  is  a  constant  effort  to  make  everything  easy 
and  pleasant,  —  to  do  away  with  or  conceal  discipline  as  far 
as  is  possible.  All  the  rough  corners  are  carefully  smoothed 
away,  and  "  the  royal  road  to  learning  "  is  the  philosopher's 


BEHAVIOR  OF  CHILDREN  AT  TABLE.        101 

stone  for  which  we  of  the  nineteenth  century  search  with 
constant  and  unabating  ardor. 

But  how  about  the  home  training  which  should  supple- 
ment all  these  "outside  aids"  to  education  and  harmonious 
development  ?  It  is  too  often  neglected  ;  our  children  are 
left  to  imbibe  from  chance  the  sound  principles  and  gentle 
manners  which  our  forefathers  so  zealously  and  faithfully 
inculcated  in  the  hearts  and  minds  of  their  offspring.  We 
have  a  pleasant  theory  that  our  young  people  will  go  right 
of  themselves,  and  that  they  will  "  pick  up  "  good-breeding 
somehow  or  other  as  they  grow  older  ! 

The  morals  of  our  bank  cashiers  and  our  great  army  of 
embezzlers  in  general  show  what  are  the  results  of  the  want 
of  proper  moral  training ;  while  the  thoughtlessness,  selfish- 
ness, and  rudeness  of  too  many  young  men  and  women  attest 
the  folly  of  supposing  that  true  good  manners  will  form 
themselves. 

Of  morals  it  is  not  the  province  of  this  work  to  treat, 
except  as  they  are  connected  with  manners.  Suffice  it  to 
say  that  before  one  can  rear  a  fair  and  comely  superstructure 
of  good  manners,  one  must  lay  deep  in  the  heart  their  nec- 
essary foundation,  namely,  kindness  and  good-will  toward 
others,  and  due  consideration  for  their  feelings.  Just  as  Latin 
and  Greek  are  the  roots  from  which  spring  most  of  the  modern 
languages  of  Europe,  so  are  these  sentiments  of  kindliness 
and  thoughtfulness  the  substantial  basis  on  which  rests  the 
good-breeding  of  the  civilized  world. 

Hence  even  from  a  worldly  and  superficial  point  of  view 
the  importance  cannot  be  over-estimated,  of  early  impress- 
ing on  the  plastic  minds  of  children  the  right  principles 
which  shall  govern  their  minds  and  manners  through 
life. 

The  unfortunate  Catharine  Howard,  fifth  wife  of  Henry 
VIII.,  is  one  of  the  saddest  instances  furnished  by  history 


102  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

of  the  results  of  parental  neglect.  We  are  told  that  she  was 
left  to  the  care  of  servants  who  so  corrupted  her  morals 
from  her  girlhood,  that  when  the  royal  Bluebeard  sought 
a  pretext  for  cutting  off  her  young  and  beautiful  head,  the 
immorality  of  her  past  life  readily  afforded  him  one. 

The  natural  savage  is  visibly  present  in  most  children, 
and  nowhere  more  than  at  the  table.  They  dislike  ex- 
tremely the  necessary  restraints  that  are  imposed  on  them 
there,  as  well  as  the  ablutions  and  general  "  tidying  processes  " 
which  precede  their  meals.  It  is  usually  wiser,  however,  for 
their  parents  to  endure  the  inconveniences  entailed  by  their 
presence  at  the  table,  except  in  families  where  competent 
nursery  governesses  are  kept,  who  can  and  will  train  the 
children  properly. 

Some  people  allow  the  little  ones  to  take  a  short  recess 
while  the  table  is  being  cleared  off  for  dessert ;  this  is  a  much 
better  way  than  keeping  them  so  long  at  table  that  they 
become  restless,  and  wriggle  in  a  very  trying  manner. 

Do  not  allow  your  children  to  sit  sideways,  or  on  the  edge 
of  their  chairs,  or  to  lean  back  in  them,  or  to  put  their 
elbows  on  the  table.  Neither  should  they  be  permitted  to 
crumble  up  and  play  with  their  bread,  or  to  make  play- 
things of  the  stray  silver  or  napkin  rings  that  may  be  on 
the  table.  Bread  should  always  be  broken,  and  not  cut, 
in  eating  it ;  but  it  need  not  be  pulverized  into  crumbs,  in 
the  favorite  fashion  of  childhood. 

Caution  your  children,  too,  always  to  wipe  their  mouths 
both  before  and  after  drinking,  and  not  to  drink  until  they 
have  swallowed  what  they  may  be  eating.  Do  not  let  them 
turn  up  their  glasses  or  mugs  on  their  noses  while  drink- 
ing, or  look  at  people  either  through  the  glass  or  over  the 
top  of  it. 

They  must  be  taught  how  to  break  a  potato  with  a  fork 
(since  it  is  considered  ill-bred  to  touch  that  vegetable  with 


BEHAVIOR  OF  CHILDREN  AT  TABLE.        103 

a  knife),  and  how  to  use  a  bread  fork  as  a  necessary  ac- 
companiment to  the  silver  fork,  and  not  to  pack  the  food 
on  the  back  of  it  with  the  help  of  the  knife,  which  is  an 
ugly  and  awkward  fashion.  The  fork  should  always  be 
carried  to  the  mouth  with  the  tines  curving  down,  like  a 
bowl ;  that  is,  in  just  the  reverse  fashion  from  that  employed 
when  carving. 

Teach  them  to  take  their  soup  quietly  from  the  side  of 
the  spoon,  and  not  to  thrust  this  instrument  into  their 
mouths,  pointed  end  foremost,  as  if  they  were  making  an 
attack  with  it !  Dessert-spoons  should  be  substituted  for 
full-sized  table-spoons  for  little  children  to  eat  soup  with, 
as  the  latter  are  uncomfortably  large  for  them  to  manage. 

Watch  your  children,  and  see  that  they  do  not  lean  over 
the  table  too  far  in  eating,  or  put  their  spoons  and  forks 
farther  into  their  mouths  than  is  necessary,  or  leave  them 
there  too  long. 

One  unpleasant  childish  trick  is  to  fill  the  fork  full  along 
its  whole  length,  and  then  to  "  eat  off"  part  at  a  time,  in- 
stead of  putting  just  enough  on  the  end  of  the  fork  to  make 
a  proper-sized  mouthful;  another  trick  is  to  double  up  a 
large  slice  of  meat  into  a  comparatively  small  compass  and 
then  bolt  it ;  still  another  is  to  tip  the  plate  to  get  the  last 
drop  of  soup,  or  to  polish  it  in  a  most  surprising  manner 
by  scraping  up  the  last  possible  remnant  of  pudding  or 
sweetmeats  instead  of  leaving  a  little  "  for  manners." 

Little  separate  plates  —  "  sauce-plates  "  —  for  different  vege- 
tables are  not  allowable  except  at  a  boarding-house  table; 
do  not  therefore  -accustom  your  children  to  the  use  of  them. 
And  I  trust  it  will  be  superfluous  to  add  that  neither  they 
nor  any  one  else,  should  ever  see  toothpicks  placed  on  any 
private  table,  or  used  anywhere  save  in  the  solitude  of  one's 
own  apartment. 

Children  sometimes  have  a  depraved  tendency  to  put  the 


104  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

skins  of  baked  potatoes,  bits  of  fat,  or  pieces  of  eggshell  on 
the  table-cloth ;  and  if  you  cannot  induce  them  to  place  these 
reliquiae  on  the  sides  of  their  plates,  let  them  have  a  saucer 
in  which  to  lay  them. 

They  should  be  taught,  as  soon  as  they  are  old  enough,  to 
eat  an  egg  from  the  shell,  instead  of  taking  it  out  into  a  cup 
or  glass,  since  this  is  a  point  of  good-breeding  which  many 
people  insist  upon  very  strongly. 

They  should  be  told,  also,  not  to  dip  cake  or  bread  into  a 
glass  of  water,  and  by  all  means  never  to  put  their  knives 
in  their  mouths,  nor  to  help  themselves  to  any  dish  with 
their  own  knives,  forks,  or  spoons,  nor  to  reach  and  stretch 
across  the  table  after  some  distant  goal  of  their  ambition 
and  appetite,  nor  to  reach  in  front  of  another  person. 

I  know  one  little  girl  three  years  of  age  who  is  so  well 
trained  that  she  will  not  help  herself  from  any  dish  passed 
to  her  by  the  servant  unless  it  is  handed  secundum  artem, 
on  the  left  side !  Indeed,  very  little  children,  after  they 
have  once  been  trained  to  hold  the  spoon  and  fork  properly, 
etc.,  commit  fewer  breaches  of  etiquette  than  their  older 
brethren  and  sisters ;  hence  the  importance  of  watching 
them  carefully  at  the  table,  and  checking  any  bad  tenden- 
cies as  fast  as  these  may  arise. 

Picking  out  the  largest  piece  of  cake  or  the  under  slice  of 
toast,  or  taking  first  one  biscuit  from  the  plate  and  then 
putting  that  back  to  exchange  it  for  another,  are  familiar 
instances  of  childish  "bad  manners." 

Poor  little  souls !  What  a  long  indictment  I  have  made 
out  against  them,  and  of  how  many  terrific  misdemeanors 
do  they  stand  charged  ! 

Far  be  it  from  me  to  say  anything  that  shall  make  the  lot 
of  any  little  one  harsh  or  uncomfortable  !  If  children  stand 
in  need  of  constant  correction,  we  their  parents  need  also 
a  constant  lesson  of  patience  lest  we  hurt  their  feelings  by 


BEHAVIOR  OF  CHILDREN  AT  TABLE.        105 

querulous  fault-finding,  or  wound  their  pride  by  setting  them 
right  when  there  is  company  present. 

But  if  children  see  their  parents  and  elders  always  careful 
to  observe  the  rules  of  good  manners,  and  if  their  little  care- 
less or  greedy  tricks  are  checked  in  the  very  beginning,  the 
task  of  setting  them  right  will  be  a  comparatively  easy  one. 

Children  are  extremely  imitative ;  and  if  they  see  others 
hand  the  dishes  politely,  instead  of  shoving  them  along  the 
table,  and  lay  their  knives  and  forks  properly  on  the  plate 
side  by  side,  with  the  handles  together,  instead  of  sprawled 
about,  so  that  the  servant  will  be  apt  to  drop  them  when  she 
removes  the  dishes  in  clearing  off  the  table,  why,  the  chil- 
dren will  be  very  apt  to  pay  attention  to  these  little  points 
themselves. 

Do  not  use  expressions  at  table  which  are  now  thought 
extremely  inelegant,  whatever  their  former  status  may  have 
been,  in  the  constantly  varying  language  of  polite  society. 
Thus,  never  ask  any  one  to  "  dish  out "  the  food.  "  Will 
you  be  kind  enough,"  or  "  Will  you  please  help  to  the  ber- 
ries ] "  is  the  proper  phrase. 

The  old  rule  was  to  help  children  after  the  grown  people, 
and  the  youngest  child  last ;  but  a  more  modern  and  humane 
way  is  to  help  little  children  first,  if  they  are  present  at  table. 
Girls  should  be  helped  before  boys,  just  as  ladies  should 
invariably  be  served  before  gentlemen.  Thus  all  the  ladies 
of  the  house  should  be  helped  before  any  of  the  gentlemen 
are  served,  even  if  among  the  latter  there  may  be  some 
distinguished  guest. 

While  children  should  be  accustomed  to  great  punctuality 
at  meals,  they  should  not  be  allowed  to  hurry  and  annoy 
their  elders  by  their  own  impatience  and  desire  to  get 
through.  Children  who  are  of  this  impatient  turn  of  mind 
sometimes  make  every  one  else  uncomfortable  through  an 
entire  meal,  constantly  complaining  that  they  shall  be  late 


106  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

to  school,  or  that  they  will  have  no  time  left  for  play,  etc. 
They  tip  their  chairs,  jump  up  and  down  on  their  seats, 
brandish  their  napkins,  and  lament  the  time  that  is  lost  in 
removing  the  crumbs,  —  all  to  the  great  annoyance  of  every 
one  else  at  table. 

It  is  certainly  a  breach  of  etiquette  to  ask  what  kind  of 
dessert  there  is  to  be,  before  it  appears  on  the  table ;  but  it  is 
one  that  is  often  forgiven  to  children,  as  it  is  hard  for  them 
to  sit  for  a  long  time  and  then  see  some  dish  appear  that 
they  especially  dislike. 

While  children  should  be  brought  up  for  the  most  part  on 
plain,  substantial  food,  they  ought  also  to  be  taught  as  they 
grow  older  to  eat  different  kinds  of  food,  and  to  overcome 
the  prejudices  of  extreme  youth  against  tomatoes  and  other 
vegetables,  oysters,  etc.  It  is  a  small  misfortune  in  this  life 
not  to  be  able  to  eat  what  other  people  do ;  not  only  does 
it  make  the  fastidious  person  uncomfortable,  but  it  grieves  or 
mortifies  his  hosts  to  find  that  they  have  provided  nothing 
that  he  can  eat. 

Of  course  a  thoroughly  well-bred  person  will  make  no  com- 
plaints under  these  circumstances,  or  allude  in  any  way  to 
his  dislike  of  the  food  before  him ;  he  will  be  content  with 
something  else  that  is  on  the  table,  or  console  himself  with 
the  next  course. 

Children  should  be  especially  cautioned,  when  they  are 
about  to  dine  away  from  home,  not  to  ask  for  what  is  not 
upon  the  table,  like  the  Southern  children  who  cried  out  in 
amazement,  "  Where  is  the  rice  1"  —  a  dish  to  which  they 
had  always  been  accustomed  at  home;  or  like  those  other 
very  exact  infants  who  asked,  "  Is  this  home-made  sponge- 
cake, or  baker's,  —  because  we  are  not  allowed  to  eat  baker's," 
etc.  Of  courSe  a  considerate  hostess  who  entertains  children 
will  inquire  carefully  about  their  tastes,  and  what  they  are 
allowed  to  eat  at  home. 


BEHAVIOR  OF  CHILDREN  AT  TABLE.        107 

Children  are  usually  extremely  fond  of  fruit,  and  they 
should  be  taught  how  to  prepare  and  eat  the  different  kinds, 
and  above  all,  never  to  spit  the  seeds  and  stones  out,  but  to 
remove  them  quietly  and  carefully  with  the  thumb  and  fin- 
gers, or  with  the  fork.  Oranges  are  very  difficult  for  young 
people  to  manage,  and  it  is  well  to  have  some  older  person 
peel  them  and  divide  them  into  pegs,  which  is  the  best  way 
for  children  to  eat  them.  Grown  people  who  are  skilful  have 
various  pretty  ways  of  cutting  up  this  very  juicy  fruit ;  but 
many  persons  not  thus  dexterous  avoid  eating  oranges  in 
public.  English  people  often  pare  them  with  a  spoon. 

A  steel  knife  should  never  be  used  with  fruit  of  any  sort, 
for  the  very  good  reason  that  the  acid  in  the  juice  stains  the 
steel,  giving  it  an  unpleasant  appearance,  as  well  as  imparting 
an  unpleasant  taste  to  the  fruit. 

All  fruit  requires  great  nicety  of  management  in  order  that 
the  person  eating  it  may  not  make  himself  disagreeable  to 
his  neighbors.  Thus,  one  who  is  delicate  in  his  way  of  eat- 
ing may  very  properly  eat  apples  or  pears  with  his  fingers 
after  he  has  nicely  peeled  and  quartered  them.  But  for 
many  people  it  is  safer  to  eat  these  fruits  with  a  fork,  espe- 
cially in  the  case  of  a  very  juicy  pear. 

The  first  rule  at  the  table  is  not  to  do  anything  that  is 
unpleasant.  Hence  it  is  better  to  use  a  fork,  even  if  it  may 
seem  affected  to  do  so,  rather  than  to  use  the  fingers  and  be 
disagreeable.  With  very  juicy  fruits  a  fork  is  necessary  in 
order  that  the  fingers  may  not  become  soiled.  Thus  a  pine- 
apple requires  a  knife  and  fork  both.  Bananas  should  be 
peeled  and  sliced  with  a  knife  and  eaten  with  a  fork. 

Children  should  also  be  taught  the  use  of  the  finger-bowl ; 
that  is,  to  dip  the  tips  of  their  fingers  in  it  nicely,  and  to 
pass  the  fingers  thus  moistened  across  the  mouth,  then 
wiping  both  the.  mouth  and  fingers  delicately  on  the  nap- 
kin,—  a  fruit  napkin,  if  one  has  been  provided. 


108  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

One  childish  trick  I  had  nearly  forgotten  to  enumerate,  — 
that  of  eating  or  drinking  from  one  hand  while  passing  a 
dish  or  plate  with  the  other.  This  should  never  be  done ; 
the  child  should  put  down  its  glass  or  fork,  or  whatever  it 
holds  in  its  hand,  before  attempting  to  pass  anything.  In- 
deed, where  the  servants  who  wait  are  efficient,  there  is  little 
need  of  the  handing  of  dishes  by  those  who  are  sitting  at 
table. 

Children  must  not  be  allowed  to  dip  bread  in  any  sauce 
that  may  be  on  their  plates,  nor  to  drain  off  a  goblet  at  a 
single  draught.  This  is  a  favorite  expression  in  romance,  but 
is  not  considered  to  be  in  "  good  form "  at  the  present  day. 
Children  like  to  do  it,  and  then  gasp  for  breath  —  a  natural 
but  unpleasant  result  —  afterward.  Some  of  them,  also,  need 
to  be  cautioned  against  speaking  when  their  mouths  are  full, 
keeping  their  mouths  open  when  they  are  eating,  bolting 
their  food,  etc. 

Many  of  them  like  to  read  at  table ;  but  this  is  a  most 
unsocial  habit,  and  is  also  bad  for  the  digestion,  in  the 
opinion  of  some  doctors.  If  there  is  any  reading  at  all  at  a 
meal,  it  should  be  reading  aloud,  — a  custom  at  the  table  of 
that  noble  and  learned  man,  Sir  Thomas  More. 

But  our  Sybaritic  age  does  not  favor  any  form  of  instruc- 
tion at  meals,  unless  of  the  mild  and  doubtful  kind  which 
is  shed  upon  us  in  after-dinner  speeches.  The  elder  Pliny 
not  only  read  at  his  meals,  but  when  he  was  going  along  in 
the  streets  ;  indeed,  reading  would  appear  to  have  been  his 
normal  condition  when  he  was  awake. 

A  pitcher  should  be  handed  with  the  handle  toward  the 
person  to  whom  it  is  passed.  Spoons  and  forks  should  be 
held  by  the  middle,  and  knives  by  the  lower  part  of  the 
shaft,  the  handles  always  turned  toward  the  recipient. 

Should  children  be  allowed  to  talk  at  the  table  ?  Yes,  and 
no.  It  is  cruel  to  follow  the  rules  of  our  ancestors  and 


BEHAVIOR  OF  CHILDREN  AT  TABLE.         109 

expect  the  little  ones  to  preserve  perfect  silence  through  a 
long  meal.  On  the  other  hand,  children's  tongues  are  danger- 
ous gear  to  set  in  motion,  and  should  never  be  allowed  to 
gain  full  headway  at  the  table,  especially  if  any  guests  are 
present.  Children  should  never  be  allowed  to  appear  at  a 
dinner-party,  unless  the  occasion  is  a  very  friendly  and 
informal  one.  Even  then  it  is  better  to  place  them  at  a 
side-table. 

If  they  are  allowed  to  talk  at  all  they  must  be  cautioned 
not  to  do  so  while  they  are  eating,  not  to  interrupt  other 
people,  not  to  make  personal  remarks  about  any  one  at  the 
table,  and  not  to  argue  or  find  fault. 

It  seems  to  me  that  the  theme,  or  main  and  initiative  part 
of  the  conversation,  should  be  left  to  the  "  grown-ups ;  "  while 
the  younger  members  of  the  family  may  strike  in  occasion- 
ally with  a  "  piano "  accompaniment,  or  some  variations  of 
moderate  length  only. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

LUNCHEONS. 

A  DINNER-PARTY  has  become  in  these  days  such  an  elabo- 
rate and  formal  affair  that  the  timid  and  modest  entertainer, 
or  one  who  shrinks  from  ceremony,  no  longer  invites  people 
to  dine  with  him.  An  invitation  to  dinner  seems  such  a 
solemn  thing,  even  if  you  protest  and  declare  that  the  dinner 
will  be  strictly  en  famille  !  The  word  "  dinner  "  implies  of 
necessity  a  certain  degree  of  formality;  "luncheon,"  on  the 
other  hand,  may  imply  anything  or  nothing ;  it  is  a  delight- 
fully elastic  meal  —  and  name,  and  includes  every  sort  of  re- 
past, from  a  bowl  of  bread  and  milk  to  a  grand  banquet  of 
seventeen  courses ! 

If  your  friend  lunches  with  you  and  finds  everything  on 
a  simple  and  unpretending  scale,  he  may  still  imagine  that 
at  your  dinner-table  all  is  very  different.  But  if  you  are 
"  found  wanting "  in  the  preparations  for  your  dinner,  then 
indeed  have  you  given  away  your  last  stronghold ;  beyond 
this  can  no  imagination  go. 

To  avoid  this  unhappy  result  many  people  invite  their 
friends  to  take  luncheon,  or  "  stout  tea,"  and  you  go  and  eat 
what  is  virtually  a  dinner  in  all  but  the  name. 

Between  a  formal  lunch-party  and  a  dinner  there  is  really 
very  little  difference.  Bouillon  is  usually  served  in  cups,  in- 
stead of  soup  in  soup-plates,  at  luncheon.  When  the  guests 
enter  the  dining-room  they  find  these  cups  already  filled,  and 
set  at  each  place  on  a  plate. 


LUNCHEONS.  Ill 

Tea  and  coffee,  if  served  at  all,  are  handed  around  in  the 
dining-room,  and  never  in  the  drawing-room,  as  they  often 
are  at  a  dinner-party.  Menu-cards  should  never  be  used  at 
luncheon ;  indeed,  many  people  consider  them  as  inelegant, 
and  declare  that  they  are  only  in  place  on  public  occasions 
or  at  stag  parties.  At  a  lunch  only  a  few  wines  are  given, 
and  the  courses  are  rather  less  substantial  in  character  than 
at  a  dinner.  But  where  the  occasion  is  a  ceremonious  one, 
the  table  is  set  very  much  as  it  would  be  for  a  dinner-party — 
minus  the  lights ;  and  even  these  are  not  wanting  at  some 
luncheons.  There  is  the  same  profusion  of  flowers,  silver, 
glass,  and  china  ware,  and  the  dishes  are  all  served  from  the 
sideboard  and  handed  around  by  the  servants. 

The  guests  go  into  the  dining-room  separately  instead  of 
arm-in-arm,  —  the  ladies  going  first,  and  the  gentlemen  follow- 
ing them.  The  ladies'  toilets,  though  sometimes  elaborate, 
are  never  such  as  are  worn  at  dinner  or  in  the  evening. 
Often  there  is  a  great  variety  of  dress  on  these  occasions, 
some  ladies  wearing  very  elegant  reception  dresses,  others  ap- 
pearing in  tailor-made  street  costumes.  Bonnets  are  usually 
worn,  but  gloves  are  of  course  removed  before  sitting  down  to 
table.  Gentlemen  appear  in  morning  dress,  if  they  appear  at 
all ;  but  most  lunch-parties  in  America  are  given  for  ladies 
alone.  Sometimes,  where  quite  a  number  of  guests  are  pres- 
ent, many  little  tables  are  used,  three  or  four  guests  sitting  at 
each  ;  or  again,  at  a  very  large  lunch,  no  one  sits  at  table,  the 
refreshments  being  handed  around  in  the  dining-room. 

Among  the  very  pleasantest  lunches  are  the  informal  fa- 
miliar occasions  where  six  or  eight  friends  meet  together 
and  enjoy  a  plain  but  substantial  meal  spiced  with  plenty  of 
bright  and  witty  talk.  If  a  suburban  friend  or  a  gentleman 
of  leisure  accidentally  arrives,  he  is  warmly  welcomed  to  the 
elastic  meal,  and  many  a  charitable  project,  many  a  pleasant 
excursion  or  summer  trip,  is  planned  and  arranged  in  this 


112  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

leisure  moment  of  a  busy  day.  In  short,  lunch-time  is 
the  kaleidoscopic  part  of  the  twenty-four  hours ;  the  combi- 
nations that  then  arise  charm  us,  because  they  are  unforeseen. 
Old  friends  who  have  not  met  for  years,  perhaps,  and  busy 
people  with  "just  a  moment"  to  spare,  all  may  meet  at  this 
enchanted  hour,  —  meet  and  part  as  bubbles  do,  the  bright 
prismatic  colors  of  the  rainbow  flashing  for  a  moment  in 
their  friendly  talk ;  and  then,  presto !  all  is  silence.  One 
guest  has  gone  to  a  concert,  another  to  a  committee  meeting, 
a  third  to  her  studio,  and  a  fourth  to  offer  up  the  constantly- 
recurring  sacrifice  of  her  time  demanded  by  that  insatiable 
Moloch,  Family  Shopping! 

For  such  a  lunch-table  as  I  have  just  described,  a  great 
latitude  in  the  matter  of  the  bill  of  fare  is  allowable,  though 
meat  in  some  form,  or  soup,  should  certainly  be  found  upon 
it.  Cold  meats  and  salads  are  always  appropriate,  but  most 
people  prefer  some  hot  dishes  even  at  lunch.  Fried  oysters, 
croquettes,  French  chops,  fish,  even  a  plain  beefsteak  or  a 
dish  of  minced  meat,  if  nicely  cooked  and  served,  may  be 
placed  on  the  lunch-table. 

Chocolate  is  a  favorite  beverage  with  many  people,  and  is 
more  suitable  for  the  middle  of  the  day  than  for  the  evening, 
being  a  rather  heavy  and  not  very  digestible  form  of  food. 

The  plates  should  be  changed  for  dessert,  and  for  each 
course  where  there  are  several  courses. 

In  England  it  is  quite  customary  at  informal  luncheons 
for  the  servants  to  leave  the  dining-room  after  they  have 
helped  the  guests  to  the  joint  (which  is  an  inevitable  feature 
of  English  luncheons)  and  handed  around  the  vegetables  and 
the  wine,  leaving  the  host  and  hostess  to  help  to  the  entries, 
where  there  are  any,  and  to  the  sweets.  The  same  informal- 
ity is  allowable  in  this  country ;  but  in  most  American 
houses  a  hostess  prefers  to  have  the  assistance  of  a  servant, 
unless  at  a  very  simple  lunch.  It  is  to  be  feared  that  we  are 


LUNCHEONS.  113 

lazier  about  waiting  upon  ourselves  than  our  English  breth- 
ren ;  and  we  also  dislike  less  than  they  do  the  presence  of 
servants  at  table,  and  the  restraint  that  it  entails. 

The  usual  cover  for  lunch  consists  of  two  knives,  two  forks, 
one  or  two  spoons,  a  water-goblet,  and  if  wine  is  given,  two 
wine-glasses,  —  one  for  sherry  and  one  for  claret.  The  bread 
is  folded  in  the  napkin,  as  at  dinner.  With  bouillon,  a  large 
teaspoon  is  provided.  Where  the  lunch  is  a  very  elaborate 
one,  three  knives  and  forks  may  be  set  at  each  place,  or  two 
knives  and  three  forks,  a  fork  for  raw  oysters  also,  etc. 

According  to  English  custom,  tea  and  coffee  are  not  given 
at  luncheon,  wine  taking  their  place.  But  in  America  we 
cannot  do  without  our  tea  and  coffee  even  when  wine  is 
served.  As  we  have  no  leisure  class  of  men  to  stay  at  home 
and  take  lunch  with  us,  it  has  become  quite  a  feminine  meal, 
and  American  ladies  do  not  care  much  for  wine,  except 
possibly  for  champagne. 

At  an  informal  occasion  the  hostess  pours  out  the  tea  and 
coffee ;  at  a  formal  one,  they  are  passed  around  on  a  wajter 
by  the  servant,  two  or  three  cups  at  a  time,  a  second  servant 
following  with  cream  and  sugar,  also  on  a  salver.  The  coffee 
must  be  served  as  it  would  be  after  dinner ;  that  is,  strong 
black  coffee  {cafe  noir)  in  small  cups,  accompanied  with  tiny 
coffee-spoons.  Strict  etiquette  forbids  the  use  of  milk  with 
this  beverage  in  its  after-dinner  form ;  but  although  Ameri- 
cans dearly  love  to  copy  foreign  etiquette,  they  also  love  to 
be  comfortable  and  to  make  other  people  so ;  hence  the  pres- 
ence of  the  cream-jug  is  connived  at  by  many  hostesses.  It 
is  not  necessary  to  give  both  tea  and  coffee  at  luncheon ; 
either  one  may  be  given  alone,  or  chocolate  may  be  substi- 
tuted for  them  both.  Coffee  is  usually  preferred  to  tea, 
especially  by  young  people. 

The  wine  may  be  set  on  table  in  decanters,  —  either  sherry 
or  claret,  or  both.  Light  sparkling  wines  are  sometimes  pre- 

8 


114  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

ferred  for  luncheon,  or  champagne,  where  the  occasion  is  a 
formal  one. 

In  setting  the  table  the  fruit  and  the  dessert  are  often 
placed  on  it,  and  the  meats  either  served  from  a  side-table  or 
set  before  the  lady  of  the  house,  who  helps  her  guests.  With 
this  arrangement  the  vegetables  are  handed  from  the  buffet. 
In  England  finger-bowls  are  not  used  at  luncheon ;  with  us 
they  often  are,  and  are  set  on  table  just  as  they  would  be  at 
dinner. 

At  elegant  lunch-parties  the  service  is  usually  d  la  Russc, 
and  each  lady  finds  a  bouquet  of  flowers  or  some  pretty 
painted  trifle  or  other  favor  beside  her  plate.  It  is  not  usual 
to  remain  very  long  after  luncheon,  as  the  hostess  may  have 
other  engagements  for  the  afternoon ;  half  an  hour  is  long 
enough  to  stay  unless  where  music  is  given,  or  unless  in  the 
case  of  intimate  friends,  who  are  privileged  to  linger. 

What  is  the  difference  between  lunch  and  luncheon  1  Just 
about  as  much  as  between  tweedledum  and  tweedledee.  The 
English  call  the  meal  luncheon,  and  we  are  beginning  to  do 
the  same  thing  in  this  country.  Some  people  consider  it 
very  affected  to  speak  of  the  meal  otherwise  than  as  "  lunch  " 
or  a  "lunch-party;"  but  these  are  rather  conservative  indi- 
viduals. According  to  present  use  in  this  country  "  lunch  " 
and  "luncheon"  are  practically  synonymous;  the  terms  "a 
ladies'  lunch,"  "  lunch-party "  may  be  thought  more  eupho- 
nious than  "a  ladies'  luncheon,"  etc.,  and  are  certainly  very 
often  used. 

Lunch  affords  a  good  opportunity  for  housekeeper  and  cook 
to  display  their  ingenuity,  many  excellent  dishes  suitable  for 
this  meal  being  in  one  form  or  another  rechauffes  from  the 
previous  day's  dinner.  At  the  family  lunch-table  many 
little  odds  and  ends  can  be  used  which  would  be  unsuitable 
for  any  more  formal  meal,  but  which  fill  up  the  gaps  very 
conveniently  at  this  delightfully  unceremonious  repast. 


LUNCHEONS.  115 

Invitations  for  lunch  are  formal  or  informal  according  to 
the  nature  of  the  occasion.  They  are  usually  written  in  the 
first  person,  or  even  given  verbally,  but  are  sometimes  en- 
graved for  a  very  ceremonious  entertainment.  They  should 
be  answered  promptly  where  one  has  reason  to  suppose  the 
lunch  will  be  a  "  sit  down  "  affair ;  since  the  hostess  ought 
to  know  which  of  her  guests  are  coming,  although  it  will  not 
make  so  much  difference  in  her  arrangements  as  in  the  case 
of  a  dinner.  In  the  same  way  a  little  more  indulgence  is 
shown  to  late  comers  at  luncheon ;  though,  as  has  been  said 
above,  much  depends  upon  whether  the  occasion  is  to  be  a 
ceremonious  one.  If  any  unforeseen  occurrence  should  pre- 
vent a  guest  from  attending  a  formal  luncheon,  she  should 
send  her  hostess  word  at  once,  that  her  place  may  if  possible 
be  filled. 

Those  who  follow  English  customs  closely  never  permit  a 
butler  (or  head-waiter)  to  wear  full  dress  when  waiting  at  a 
lunch-party,  even  if  it  be  of  a  very  formal  character.  "  Dark 
morning  costume  "  is  the  correct  dress  for  a  butler  until  the 
magic  hour  for  dinner  arrives  ;  he  may  wear  dark  but  not 
black  trousers,  a  black  coat,  and  black  necktie.  Where  two 
men-servants  wait  on  table  the  second  wears  livery,  unless  the 
head  of  the  house  disapproves  of  the  costume  on  principle. 

Gentlemen  sometimes  ask  whether  ladies'  lunches  are  not 
very  tame  and  tiresome ;  very  dull  affairs,  in  short,  without 
the  great  masculine  element  to  give  them  tone.  Alas  for  the 
vanity  of  men  !  How  sad  it  is  that  they  can  never  know 
(unless  they  hide  themselves  in  the  wine-cooler  or  behind 
the  buffet)  what  a  jolly  time  women  can  have  together,  or 
how  fast  feminine  tongues  can  wag  when  unrestricted  by  the 
presence  of  lords  and  masters  ! 

There  is  another  great  pleasure  that  ladies  derive  from  these 
feminine  lunches  apart  from  the  never-ending  delight  of 
unremitting  conversation.  This  is  the  gratification  of  the 


116  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

sesthetic  taste,  with  a  hundred  dainty  devices  and  delicate 
articles  of  food  whose  beauty  and  value  would  be  thrown 
away  on  the  coarser  masculine  mind  and  palate. 

Where  but  at  a  ladies'  lunch  or  a  fairy  revel  would  you  ex- 
pect to  find  a  course  of  calla  lilies,  each  lady  having  on  her 
plate  one  of  these  white  blossoms  with  a  few  early  straw- 
berries tucked  away  in  its  delicate  cup  ?  Where  else  would 
you  find  your  sherbet  lying  cold  at  the  heart  of  a  "  truly  " 
tulip,  or  frozen  in  the  form  of  a  candle  and  candlestick,  with 
real  wick  burning  at  the  end,  a  dainty  shade  surmounting 
the  whole  ?  Would  you  or  could  you  reasonably  expect,  at 
any  other  meal,  to  find  your  rolls  tied  up  with  ribbon,  and 
green  (paper)  frogs  hopping  about  on  your  plate  under  the 
shade  of  most  unpleasantly  realistic  ice-cream  toadstools  1 

We  hope  not ;  the  mania  for  blending  is  all  very  well,  but 
some  things  do  not  mingle,  and  it  is  useless  trying  to  make 
them  do  so.  Ribbons  are  lovely  in  themselves,  and  for  many 
centuries  have  appealed  direct  to  the  feminine  heart ;  but  why 
should  they  be  mingled  with  our  food  1  What  possible  con- 
nection can  there  be  between  ribbons  and  bread  ?  It  would 
look  perfectly  ridiculous  to  see  the  family  loaf  adorned  with 
a  wide  ribbon  bow  on  its  broad  brow ;  and  why  does  not  little 
bread  look  just  as  absurd  garnished  with  narrow  ribbon? 

How  pleasant  were  the  old  times  when  we  could  eat  out  of 
china,  when  we  thought  plates  were  good  enough  for  us,  and 
did  not  consider  it  necessary  to  take  our  food  out  of  paste- 
board boxes,  silken  bags,  and  paper  cups,  nor  to  have  station- 
ery and  haberdashery  hopelessly  mixed  up  with  our  viands ! 
Ribbon  is  now  the  serpent  whose  trail  is  over  all.  If  I 
found  it  in  my  soup,  I  should  not  murmur  at  the  all-pervading 
decrees  of  Decorative  Art,  but  should  meekly  draw  it  out  as 
an  article  not  calculated  to  assist  digestion. 

Despite  these  little  incongruities  and  fanciful  extrava- 
gances, there  is  much  to  admire  in  and  on  the  lunch-table  of 


LUNCHEONS.  117 

to-day.  The  table-cloth,  to  begin  with,  is  a  poem  in  linen,  — a 
poem,  alas  !  which,  with  its  elaborate  drawn-work  and  won- 
drous lace-like  effects,  may  have  cost  some  poor  woman  her  eye- 
sight. The  color  which  a  stern  good  taste  forbids  in  a  dinner- 
cloth  is  considered  quite  allowable  in  a  lunch-cloth.  The 
handsomest  ones  are  white,  however,  with  a  dash  of  color 
here  and  there.  A  beautiful  set  of  table  linen  which  sold 
recently  for  the  moderate  sum  of  fifty  dollars,  showed  a 
bunch  of  grapes  worked  solid  in  fine  gold-colored  silk  at 
each  corner  of  the  cloth ;  this  was  bordered  with  elaborate 
drawn-work,  finished  with  knotted  white  fringe.  The  large 
doilies,  six  in  number,  matched  the  cloth,  save  that  the 
design  was  made  smaller.  The  solid  masses  of  golden  berries 
clustered  at  each  corner  of  the  table  and  nestled  beside  the 
plate  of  each  guest  gave  a  rich  golden  effect  that  reminded 
the  beholder  of  King  Midas's  famous  meal.  But  the  reminder 
was  a  delicate  and  artistic  one,  —  a  shadowy  likeness  in  soft 
silk,  not  a  bold  copy  in  gross  metal. 

At  some  ladies'  lunches  one  must  begin  before  the  table- 
cloth, because  the  ceremonies  of  ornamentation  commence  in 
the  dressing-room.  Here  the  ladies  find  enormous  cards,  each 
one  decorated  with  a  bow  of  different-colored  satin  ribbon 
(the  inevitable  serpent),  pink,  blue,  orange,  lilac,  etc.,  while 
the  legend  beneath  sets  forth  that  the  ladies  whose  names  are 
written  on  the  orange  card  will  please  sit  at  the  orange  table, 
and  so  on,  through  all  the  colors. 

At  the  lunch-party  of  which  I  am  now  writing,  assurance 
was  made  doubly  sure,  each  lady's  name  being  painted  in  gold 
letters  on  the  wide  streamer  which  flowed  from  her  basket  of 
flowers.  The  end  of  this  ribbon  was  caught  around  the 
napkin  so  as  to  bring  the  name  uppermost,  thus  forming 
a  novel  sort  of  dinner-card.  The  yellow  ladies  had  golden 
baskets  containing  yellow  flowers,  the  pink  ladies  had  pink 
roses,  etc.  On  each  table  was  a  handsome  candelabrum  con- 


118  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

taining  lighted  candles  of  the  color  to  match  the  prevailing 
decoration,  with  shades  of  the  same  hue ;  smilax  and  delicate 
flowers  were  wreathed  about  these  candelabra,  still  maintain- 
ing the  harmony  of  color.  This  dainty  feast  was  called  "  a 
rainbow  lunch." 

At  a  luncheon  there  is  an  excellent  opportunity  for  the  dis- 
play of  beautiful  china,  the  daylight  showing  the  beauty  of 
the  ware  to  great  advantage.  Where  people  have  well-filled 
china-closets,  a  complete  change  of  design  and  color  is  made 
for  each  course.  The  delicacy  of  some  of  these  courses  is 
almost  exaggerated,  and  recalls  to  mind  the  nightingales' 
tongues  of  ancient  Rome.  If  a  countryman  with  a  hearty, 
healthy  appetite  were  set  down  in  the  midst  of  one  of  these 
feasts,  what  would  he  think  ?  Probably  he  would  be  of  the 
opinion  that  he  had  seen  no  real  and  actual  luncheon,  but 
"  samples  "  merely  of  several  large  repasts  that  were  going  on 
elsewhere.  Certainly  a  pdte  no  larger  than  a  silver  dollar 
looks  like  nothing  but  a  sample  of  some  more  adequate  pie, 
even  if  the  pdte  is  composed,  as  it  usually  is,  of  the  most 
rich  and  mysterious  ingredients.  jljAJr  sn^Y 

One  of  the  new  fancies  is  to  eat  off  dfiinty  little  inetal  spits, 
or  skewers,  each  one  ornamented  with  a  butterfly  by  way  of 
a  handle.  On  these  spits  may  be  strung  delicate  morsels  of 
chicken  liver,  infinitesimal  scraps  of  nicely  browned  pork,  etc. 
Each  skewer  is  brought  in  erect,  being  firmly  planted  in  a 
groundwork  of  some  aesthetic  paste. 

No,  I  am  not  speaking  of  the  days  of  Heliogabalus,  al- 
though for  the  moment  it  seemed  as  if  I  must  be.  Where  all 
this  luxury  will  end  is  hard  to  say.  As  our  people  are  in  the 
main  very  sensible,  they  will  probably  get  tired  of  this  ex- 
treme frippery  in  the  course  of  a  few  years,  just  as  they  have 
abandoned  the  Queen  Anne  style  of  architecture.  After  out- 
gabling  gables,  and  indulging  in  a  perfect  frenzy  of  peaked 
roofs,  balconies,  and  loggias,  they  suddenly  made  the  amazing 


LUNCHEONS.  119 

discovery  that  the  inside  of  the  house  was  the  part  actually 
lived  in  (at  least  in  our  climate),  and  that  perhaps  it  would 
be  well  to  have  the  dwelling-rooms  large  enough  for  comfort, 
instead  of  being  chopped  up  into  mince-meat,  sacrificed  for 
the  appearance  of  the  exterior.  So  Americans  have  soberly 
returned  to  building  houses  with  simple  outlines,  and  that 
contain  large  rooms,  and  they  have  hung  the  pumpkin,  or 
its  color,  on  the  outer  wall,  to  show  that  we  still  believe  in 
the  Puritans  and  in  their  favorite  vegetable. 

In  the  same  way  the  ladies'  lunches,  with  their  twenty 
courses  of  china  and  glass,  will  no  doubt  subside  before  long 
as  suddenly  as  a  lofty  and  imposing  but  empty  card-house 
tumbles  to  the  ground.  We  may  not  perhaps  return  to  the 
plain  roast  and  boiled,  the  simple  fare  in  which  old  George 
III.  delighted,  but  rather  to  that  safe  middle  path,  the  golden 
mean,  which  avoids  all  excesses  alike,  whether  of  luxury  or 
of  simplicity. 

It  has  become  the  fashion  now  to  speak  of  any  meal  taken 
between  or  after  the  regular  meals  as  a  luncheon.  Thus 
sandwiches  and  beer,  or  any  other  light  refreshments,  if  eaten 
at  two  o'clock  in  the  morning,  on  returning  from  a  ball, 
constitute  a  "  luncheon,"  and  not  a  supper. 

The  French  dejeiiner  d,  la  fourchette  does  not  differ  mate- 
rially from  what  we  call  luncheon.  It  is  now  becoming  the 
fashion  to  invite  people  to  late  breakfast,  instead  of  to  lunch  ; 
but  few  of  the  guests  would  know  the  difference  between 
the  two  meals,  except  from  the  wording  of  the  invitation. 
A  "  French  breakfast "  takes  place  somewhat  earlier  than  a 
lunch,  —  at  twelve  o'clock  instead  of  one,  for  instance. 

The  first  course  usually  consists  of  fruit,  —  strawberries, 
melons,  or  whatever  fruit  is  in  season.  In  the  succeeding 
courses  there  are  often  various  preparations  of  eggs,  since 
these  belong  more  distinctively  to  breakfast  than  to  luncheon. 
At  some  houses  every  meal  begins  with  a  course  of  fruit. 


CHAPTER   XIII. 

AFTERNOON  TEAS  AND  RECEPTIONS. 

WITH  the  ever-increasing  luxury  of  the  present  day  a  new 
fashion  has  grown  up ;  namely,  that  of  giving  frequent  and 
expensive  entertainments  for  a  few  people  rather  than  large 
parties  for  society  in  general.  Thus  many  ladies  now  give 
a  dozen  handsome  lunches  and  dinners  to  repay  their  social 
obligations  and  entertain  their  friends,  where  fifteen  or 
twenty  years  ago  they  would  have  given  three  or  four  large 
soire'es. 

There  are  many  advantages  in  the  new  system,  and  many 
drawbacks  as  well.  The  beauty,  aesthetic  and  gustatory,  of 
a  modern  feast  is  not  to  be  denied,  and  has  been  described 
at  some  length  in  another  part  of  this  volume.  But  the  ten- 
dency of  these  comparatively  small  reunions  is  to  divide 
people  into  cliques  and  sets,  to  encourage  the  animal  within 
us,  to  make  us  selfish,  and  to  do  away  with  the  larger  and 
more  catholic  gatheringj  which  have  their  own  charm,  —  a 
charm  apart  from  the  aesthetic  gratification  of  the  senses 
which  the  modern  dinner-table  affords. 

Let  us  lunch  and  dine,  by  all  means,  but  let  us  also  enter- 
tain in  a  more  general  way ;  otherwise  we  shall  be  apt  to 
invite  and  be  invited  by  the  same  people  over  and  over  again, 
excluding  from  our  feasts  the  lame  and  halt  whom  the  Bible 
bids  us  ask  as  our  guests.  The  lame  and  halt,  socially 

speaking,  —  who  does  not  know  them  ?  Mr.  .  a  man 

with  the  divine  spark  of  poetry  in  him,  is  one  of  them.  He 


AFTERNOON  TEAS  AND  RECEPTIONS.         121 

shall  write  verses  when  his  heart  is  touched,  cere  jjerenuius ; 
and  his  talk  how  full  of  thought,  his  wit  how  subtle  and 
delicate  !  But  he  lives  in  a  small  old-fashioned  house,  and 
dines  not,  neither  is  he  dined. 

Mrs. is  another  of  this  fraternity.     She  has  a  large 

house  and  a  sufficient  income,  but  does  not  know  how  to 
entertain  people,  and  fears  to  invite  them  lest  they  should  be 
bored.  Younger  brothers  and  older  sisters  belong  to  those 
who  are  socially  disabled  as  far  as  dinner-parties  are  con- 
cerned. A  dinner-party  is  necessarily  very  limited  as  to  the 
number  of  guests;  hence,  only  two,  or  at  the  utmost  three, 
can  be  invited  out  of  the  same  family.  These  will  usually 
be  the  most  eligible  members  of  it ;  the  handsomest  daugh- 
ter and  the  most  agreeable  son  will  be  asked  over  and  over 
again ;  papa  and  mamma,  if  they  are  quiet  dull  people,  will 
be  "left  out  in  the  cold"  altogether,  unless  they  defend 
themselves  by  giving  dull  dinners  of  their  own  to  those 
who  may  be  counted  upon  to  invite  them  in  return. 

Luckily  there  is  one  form  of  general  entertainment  which 
is  still  very  popular,  and  in  which  even  suburban  lame  ducks 
can  find  their  account.  "  Afternoon  teas,"  revived  in  Eng- 
land about  twenty  years  ago,  and  imported  to  this  country 
soon  afterward,  are  certainly  a  most  admirable  institution. 
What  if  the  dissipation  they  afford  is  of  the  mildest  type  ? 
It  may  be  mild,  but 'it  is  perennial.  An  afternoon  tea  is 
so  cheap  that  anybody  can  afford  to  give  one,  and  involves 
so  little  trouble  and  formality  that  even  the  most  timid  or 
most  lazy  hostess  need  not  shrink  before  the  very  diminutive 
lions  it  brings  into  her  path.  She  need  only  provide  tea, 
coffee,  or  chocolate,  with  thin  slices  of  bread  and  butter  or 
sandwiches,  fancy  biscuits,  and  cake. 

Indeed,  some  of  the  pleasantest  five-o'clock  teas  are  the  most 
informal  ones,  where  the  lady  of  the  house  has  all  the  tea- 
equipage  in  the  drawing-room,  placed  on  a  little  table  beside 


122  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

her,  and  where  she  pours  out  the  fragrant  beverage  for  her 
friends  as  they  drop  in,  two  or  three  at  a  time.  For  an 
occasion  of  this  sort  it  would  be  sufficient  to  provide  fancy 
biscuits  or  cake  to  accompany  the  tea,  and  the  invitations 
would  be  given  out  quite  informally.  They  might  either 
be  verbal,  or  written  or  engraved  on  a  lady's  visiting-card ; 
thus,  — 


tacu 

Friday*  in  January 

and  February.  * 


If  the  hostess  intends  to  receive  on  that  day  throughout  the 
season,  "  Fridays  "  or  "  Friday  "  would  be  sufficient.  Where 
a  lady  gives  only  one  or  two  "  afternoon  teas,"  the  refresh- 
ments are  on  a  somewhat  more  elaborate  scale,  but  may  still 
be  simple  if  she  prefers  to  have  them  so. 

Many  people  who  dine  late  in  our  large  cities  have  five- 
o'clock  tea  served  every  day,  and  are  almost  always  at  home 
to  friends  at  that  hour.  But  what  a  difference  is  there  be- 
tween the  reception  you  A^ill  meet  at  various  houses,  even 
where  the  invitations  are  precisely  alike  and  the  preparations 
for  receiving  guests  made  on  just  the  same  scale  ! 

Some  people  are  so  formal  in  their  very  natures,  that  they 
impart  frigidity  to  all  who  approach  them.  Your  backbone 
begins  to  straighten  itself  up  at  the  very  aspect  of  the  ser- 
vant who  opens  the  door,  whether  he  is  a  wooden  footman  or 
one  of  those  preternaturally  prim  maid-servants  who  seem  to 


AFTERNOON  TEAS  AND  RECEPTIONS.    123 

have  caught  an  inward  starch  from  long  contact  with  their 
grim  mistresses. 

If  on  entering  the  parlor  yon  find  the  furniture  uphol- 
stered in  blue  satin  of  a  more  than  usual  degree  of  slipperi- 
ness,  it  will  all  seem  part  of  one  general  plan.  You  will  only 
sit  on  the  very  edge  of  your  chair,  and  as  you  receive  your 
tea  from  the  hands  of  another  frozen  menial  you  will  wonder 
how  the  tea  can  keep  hot  under  such  chilling  influences  ! 

Of  course  the  conversation  will  turn  upon  the  weather  (on 
looking  out  of  the  window  you  observe  that  it  has  suddenly 
begun  to  snow),  and  will  be  extremely  limited,  for  the  guests 
will  not  be  introduced  to  one  another,  and  they  will  feel  the 
gene  of  their  austere  surroundings.  The  hostess  is  robed  in 
satin,  like  her  chairs,  and  her  hair  has  been  dressed  by  a 
hair-dresser.  The  solemn  servant  passes  around  marrons 
glaces,  or  candied  rose-leaves;  but  how  can  one  insult  his 
dignity  by  receiving  such  childish  trifles  at  his  hands  1  None 
but  the  most  candy-hardened  school-girl  would  dare  to  touch 
the  little  trifling  bonbon  tongs  which  surmount  the  sugary 
heap. 

Slipping  away  from  the  congealing  hospitality  of  this  house, 
you  go  to  another  only  a  few  blocks  distant,  and  the  sound 
of  merry  laughter  greets  your  ear  the  moment  that  the  door 
opens  to  admit  you.  Within,  you  find  yourself  in  a  wide 
spacious  hall,  through  which  you  pass  to  a  suite  of  three  par- 
lors. In  each  an  open  fire  gives  a  cheerful  look  to  the  apart- 
ment, but  the  farthest  is  the  centre  of  attraction.  Here 
stands  the  tea-table,  with  a  pretty  girl  sitting  at  either  end 
pouring  out  tea  and  coffee.  In  this  room  also  is  the  host- 
ess, handsome,  cordial,  hospitable.  Her  hair,  to  be  sure,  is 
gray,  but  her  heart  does  not  match  it,  —  ft  la  Byron.  She 
receives  every  guest  with  a  cordial  grasp  of  the  hand,  and  her 
face  is  so  beaming  with  kindliness  and  the  true  "spirit  of 
hospitality  that  every  one  feels  himself  sincerely  welcomed. 


124  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

The  busy  hostess  hardly  sits  still  for  a  moment ;  she  wishes 
to  be  sure  that  all  her  guests  are  amused  and  happy,  that 
they  are  provided  with  tea  and  cake,  and,  what  is  more  im- 
portant, that  they  have  some  one  to  talk  to.  Perhaps  she  has 
several  lions  among  her  company  of  the  afternoon,  and  she 
wishes  to  see  that  all  have  a  fair  chance  to  make  the  ac- 
quaintance of  these  distinguished  visitors. 

This  lady  does  not  believe  in  the  modern  theory  of  non- 
introduction,  although  you  will  find  in  her  salon  fashionable 
women  and  distinguished  men,  a  brilliant  and  charming 
assembly,  where  every  one  feels  at  home,  and  accepts  cor- 
dially the  hostess's  parting  invitation  to  "  come  next  time." 
Xo,  she  does  not  live  in  Boston,  this  particular  hostess, 
though  no  doubt  the  Hub  can  boast  of  some  ladies  who  en- 
tertain with  the  same  cordiality  and  grace. 

The  refreshments  at  an  afternoon  tea  are  so  few  and  simple 
that  they  ought  without  peradventure  to  be  the  very  best  of 
their  kind.  The  tea  should  be  properly  steeped  in  absolutely 
boiling  water,  but  never  allowed  to  boil  on  the  stove,  and 
ought  to  be  accompanied  with  cream,  and  not  milk.  Where 
a  large  number  of  guests  are  expected,  the  tea  and  coffee 
should  be  in  urns,  kept  warm  by  alcohol  lamps. 

Some  people  have  the  servants  hand  around  cups  of  tea 
and  coffee  on  a  waiter,  instead  of  pouring  out  these  bever- 
ages themselves;  but  this  method  takes  away  half  the 
charm  and  air  of  reality  of  the  tea-drinking.  The  hostess 
herself  cannot  undertake  to  entertain  her  guests  and  pour 
tea  too,  except  where  very  few  people  are  present.  She 
can  usually,  however,  depute  the  duty  to  a  daughter  of 
the  house,  or  bespeak  beforehand  the  services  of  some  other 
friend. 

In  the  time  of  good  Queen  Anne  they  even  went  so  far  as 
to  grind  the  coffee  in  public  when  the  august  sovereign 
gave  an  afternoon  tea. 


AFTERNOON  TEAS  AND  RECEPTIONS.         125 

For  lo  1  the  board  with  cups  and  spoons  is  crown'd, 
The  berries  crackle,  and  the  mill  turns  round; 
On  shining  altars  of  Japan  they  raise 
The  silver  lamp  ;  the  fiery  spirits  blaze  ; 
From  silver  spouts  the  grateful  liquors  glide, 
While  China's  earth  receives  the  smoking  tide: 
At  once  they  gratify  their  scent  and  taste, 
And  frequent  cups  prolong  the  rich  repast. 

POPE  :  Rape  of  the  Lock. 

The  good  queen  evidently  liked  her  beverages  hot ;  and 
the  modern  hostess  should  remember  that  not  only  the  tea 
and  coffee  but  the  boiled  milk  as  well  should  be  hot,  and 
not  lukewarm.  Cream  makes  a  wonderful  improvement  in 
the  flavor  of  both  tea  and  coffee. 

If  bread  and  butter  are  provided,  the  bread  must  be  of  wafer- 
like  thinness,  spread  nicely  with  "  the  best  of  butter  "  and 
arranged  sandwich  fashion,  with  the  crusts  trimmed  off.  In 
summer,  iced  tea  flavored  with  lemon  and  served  without 
cream  or  milk  is  sometimes  substituted  for  hot  tea.  Eng- 
lish Breakfast  is  now  the  favorite  and  fashionable  variety  of 
tea,  though  Oolong  and  Japan  teas  still  have  their  faithful 
adherents. 

The  little  low  five-o'clock  tea-tables,  with  their  dainty  em- 
broidered cloths,  are  so  pretty  and  picturesque  that  it  seems 
a  thousand  pities  not  to  use  them.  But  they  will  be  found 
inconvenient,  except  on  very  small  occasions,  not  only  on 
account  of  their  diminutive  size,  but  because  they  are  so  low. 
A  rather  small  table  of  the  ordinary  height,  placed  against 
the  wall,  may  be  substituted  for  the  regulation  five-o'clock 
tea-table ;  at  this  the  hostess  is  not  obliged  to  sit  down  every 
time  that  she  pours  out  tea. 

When  cards  are  issued  for  only  one  or  two  afternoon  teas, 
the  refreshments  are  usually  on  a  more  elaborate  scale,  and 
often  comprise  bouillon,  ice-cream,  lemonade,  punch,  and  even 
oysters  and  salads.  The  latter  belong  more  properly  to  a 


126  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

reception;  but  afternoon  teas,  receptions,  and  kettledrums 
melt  into  one  another  by  imperceptible  gradations,  and  the 
names  are  often  used  interchangeably.  Strictly  speaking,  the 
five-o'clock  or  afternoon  tea  is  the  least  formal  occasion  of 
the  three,  the  kettledrum  coming  next  in  order,  while  the 
afternoon  reception,  or  "at  home,"  is  the  most  ceremonious 
of  them  all. 

Fora  reception  the  hostess  usually  wears  a  hand  some' demi- 
toilet,  silk,  satin,  or  velvet,  made  with  a  train,  and  cut  down 
at  the  throat  if  the  wearer  chooses.  But  she  never  wears  full 
evening  dress,  as  this  would  be  in  very  bad  taste.  The  house 
is  often  handsomely  decorated  with  flowers,  and  a  dressing- 
room  is  thrown  open  for  those  ladies  who  may  prefer  to  take 
off  their  outside  wraps,  a  second  room  being  provided  for 
the  accommodation  of  gentlemen.  The  guests  may,  if  they 
choose,  wear  handsome  reception  toilets,  but  never  remove 
their  bonnets  unless  they  have  been  previously  invited  to 
receive  with  the  hostess.  As  the  same  people  often  attend 
several  receptions,  teas,  etc.,  in  the  same  afternoon,  quite  a 
variety  of  dress  is  worn,  many  ladies  preferring  to  appear 
in  the  plain  tailor-made  street  costumes  that  are  now  so 
fashionable. 

Gentlemen  wear  morning  dress  on  all  afternoon  occasions ; 
namely,  black  or  dark  frock-coat,  with  high  waistcoat  to 
match,  dark  or  gray  trousers,  and  scarf  or  necktie. 

They  leave  their  overcoats,  umbrellas,  etc.,  in  the  hall,  or 
in  the  dressing-room  if  one  has  been  provided  for  their  use. 
Their  hats  they  may  bring  with  them  into  the  drawing-room 
if  they  prefer  to  do  so. 

For  a  very  handsome  reception  the  rooms  are  sometimes 
lighted  by  artificial  light,  the  windows  being  darkened  by 
shutters  or  blinds,  and  a  band  of  musicians  is  placed  behind 
a  leafy  screen  where  it  can  discourse  sweet  music  with- 
out being  seen.  The  hostess  stands  near  the  door,  so 


AFTERNOON  TEAS  AND  RECEPTIONS.        127 

that  she  can  readily  welcome  her  guests  as  they  enter  the 
drawing-room.  People  do  not  usually  remain  very  long  at 
an  occasion  of  this  sort ;  half  an  hour's  stay  is  sufficient  to 
meet  the  requirements  of  politeness,  but  this  is  often  pro- 
longed to  an  hour  or  more,  according  to  whether  the  guest  is 
amused  or  not,  and  to  the  number  of  friends  and  acquaint- 
ances whom  he  happens  to  meet. 


<^Vl46  . 


0  0  .          /    t    j 

ftom  fettt  &  atac  o  cwcn, 


The  above  is  a  proper  form  for  an  invitation  to  a  reception. 
The  whole  card  may  be  engraved,  or  the  invitation  may 
be  written  on  a  visiting  card.  It  was  formerly  considered 
proper  to  use  figures  in  an  invitation,  for  the  day  of  the 
month,  the  hour,  etc. ;  but  the  new  fashion  is  to  have  all  the 
numbers  except  that  of  the  street  engraved  in  full,  as  in 
the  card  given  above.  If  the  invitation  is  written  on  a 
visiting  card,  it  is  still  allowable  to  use  figures. 

As  has  been  said  elsewhere,  it  is  not  strictly  correct  to  put 
either  "R  S.  V.  P."  or  "to  meet  Miss  So  and  so"  on  an  "at 
home"  card :  but  it  is  often  done  now,  custom  and  convenience 
sanctioning  the  solecism. 


128  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 


isWUt. 


,    ja 

<7 


A)  meet 

iSWt4.     tennina* 
tf          / 


<%teet. 


This  card  means,  if  it  means  anything,  that  Mrs.  Barclay 
intends  to  stay  at  home  to  give  herself  the  pleasure  of  meet- 
ing Mrs.  Smith,  and  that  your  views  of  her  conduct  on  this 
occasion  are  respectfully  requested,  as  those  of  an  impartial 
third  person.  But  it  is  useless  to  sneer  at  the  decrees  of 
fashion.  By  and  by  some  leader  of  the  social  world  will 
invent  a  different  form  of  invitation,  and  we  shall  all  follow 
his  lead  like  so  many  well-bred  sheep. 

Kettledrums  are  said  to  have  received  their  name  from  the 
fact  that  they  were  originally  given  by  the  wives  of  officers  at 
the  headquarters  of  the  latter,  a  drum  making  an  impromptu 
stand  for  the  tea-equipage. 

It  is  more  likely,  however,  that  the  name  is  a  survival  or 
revival  of  the  old  English  "  drum,"  a  word  which  was  con- 
stantly used  in  Queen  Anne's  time  and  later,  to  describe 


AFTERNOON  TEAS  AND  RECEPTIONS.         129 

fashionable  gatherings.  Smollett  says  :  "  This  is  a  riotous 
assembly  of  fashionable  people  of  both  sexes  at  a  private 
house,  consisting  of  some  hundreds ;  not  unaptly  styled  a 
drum,  from  the  noise  and  emptiness  of  the  entertainment." 

The  word  "  kettledrum"  is  not  often  used  in  invitations  now, 
though  for  a  time  it  was  quite  the  rage  to  call  every  afternoon 
occasion  by  this  name.  A  kaffee-klatsch  is  the  newest  name 
for  afternoon  tea  —  or  rather  coffee  drinking.  It  certainly  has 
an  admirably  descriptive  sound,  —  this  title,  —  and  conveys 
the  idea  of  boundless  talk,  clatter  of  spoons,  and  the  harm- 
less (?)  scratch  of  gossip  better  than  any  of  its  predecessors. 

The  following  is  a  form  often  used  for  invitations  to  after- 
noon teas. 


Friday,  February  sixth, 
Tea  at  five  o'clock. 


CHAPTEE    XIV. 

BALLS  AND  DANCING-PARTIES,  THEIR   ARRANGEMENTS,  ETC. 

FORMULAS  for  invitations  to  balls  and  dances  have  been 
already  given  in  the  chapter  on  Invitations.  For  a  large 
ball,  especially  if  it  be  given  at  a  very  gay  season,  when 
people  will  be  apt  to  have  numerous  engagements,  the  invi- 
tations are  sometimes  sent  out  three  or  four  weeks  before- 
hand. This  is  notably  the  case  in  London,  where  the  short 
season  of  gayety  is  crowded  with  social  events. 

In  America,  we  have  few  houses  that  are  large  enough  to 
give  balls  in  with  any  comfort  to  the  dancers.  Indeed,  not 
many  of  them  can  boast  a  regular  ball-room  ;  and  yet  Amer- 
icans are  extremely  fond  of  dancing,  and  dance  extremely 
well.  We  have  therefore  adopted  the  custom  of  giving  pri- 
vate balls  at  public  assembly-rooms ;  and  for  the  dancers  this 
is  infinitely  more  agreeable  than  trying  to  dance  in  crowded 
parlors,  where  the  heat  and  the  great  crowd  of  non-combatants 
destroy  all  the  pleasure  for  the  young  people. 

It  is  in  vain  that  the  hospitable  host  and  hostess  at  a  private 
ball  throw  open  their  mansion  from  top  to  bottom,  and  arrange 
card-tables  in  the  hope  that  the  elderly  will  be  lured  away 
from  the  main  scene  of  action.  They  will  not  be ;  every  one 
Avants  to  hear  the  music  and  see  the  dancing,  save  perhaps 
a  few  flirtatious  couples  who  wander  away  to  deserted  nooks 
and  corners. 


BALLS  AND  DANCING  PARTIES.  131 

But  in  the  assembly-rooms  at  Delmonico's  in  New  York, 
or  at  Pierce's  Hall  in  Boston,  there  is  room  for  every  one. 
The  elders  can  sit  in  comfort,  without  the  danger  of  any- 
body's trampling  on  their  feet  or  crushing  their  dresses,  and 
the  dancers  have  a  delightful  floor,  spacious,  smooth,  and  not 
too  slippery.  The  music,  too,  can  be  placed  and  heard  to 
much  better  advantage  than  in  a  private  house,  and  the  ter- 
rible jam  at  the  supper-table  is  measurably  avoided. 

Balls  thus  given  lack  a  certain  social  element,  it  is  true, 
and  it  is  also  to  be  feared  that  the  young  men  feel  their  obliga- 
tions to  a  hostess  even  less,  if  that  were  possible,  than  they  do 
under  her  own  roof.  Some  party-givers  compromise  matters 
by  giving  a  number  of  small  dances  at  their  own  houses,  — 
an  excellent  plan,  but  one  which  has  also  its  own  disadvan- 
tages. There  is  a  saying  that  "  nothing  makes  so  many 
enemies  as  giving  small  parties ;  "  you  cannot  ask  every  one 
to  them,  and  somebody  is  sure  to  be  offended  because  he  is 
left  out. 

The  safest  way,  for  those  who  can  afford  it,  is  to  give  one 
large  ball  or  reception  in  the  beginning  of  the  season,  invite 
all  their  friends  and  acquaintances,  and  after  that  to  give  as 
many  small  parties  as  they  choose. 

Another  objection  to  small  dances  at  private  houses  is 
that  the  mothers  are  often  not  invited.  This  is  certainly  to 
be  regretted,  especially  as  it  is  usually  the  very  young  girls 
—  the  debutantes,  those  who  most  need  the  counsel  and  pro- 
tection of  their  mothers  —  who  are  invited  to  these  dances. 
In  small  cities,  or  in  good,  quiet,  sober-going  Boston,  such 
a  custom  is  less  dangerous  than  in  a  place  like  New  York, 
where  the  immense  foreign  population  has  necessarily  had 
its  effect  on  manners  and  customs. 

When  making  out  a  list  of  those  to  be  invited  to  a  ball, 
one  should  be  extremely  careful  to  include  the  names  of  the 
living  only.  It  is  very  painful  to  receive  an  invitation  for 


132  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

some  dear  relative  who  has  passed  away  from  this  earth  ;  yet 
such  a  thing  often  happens.  The  reason  for  a  mistake  of 
this  sort  is  that  the  hostess  when  about  to  give  a  ball  neces- 
sarily asks  many  people  with  whom  she  is  but  slightly 
acquainted ;  perhaps  she  includes  her  entire  visiting  list,  or 
even  goes  beyond  it. 

But  there  are  to  be  found  in  most  cities  a  few  learned 
individuals  who  make  it  their  pleasant  business  to  know 
everything  about  everybody.  The  worth  of  these  persons 
is  not  always  fully  appreciated  by  mankind  at  large  ;  but  they 
are  invaluable  in  their  way,  and  should  always  be  consulted 
by  the  givers  of  balls  and  other  festivities. 

The  best  floors  for  dancing  are  the  parquet  floors  that  are 
now  so  fashionable.  Where  a  house  does  not  boast  of 
these,  the  next  best  thing  is  to  take  up  the  carpets  and  to 
have  the  floors  smoothed  and  planed  by  a  carpenter,  so  that 
there  shall  be  no  danger  of  splinters  getting  into  the  feet  of 
the  dancers.  Formerly,  carpets  were  covered  with  crash, 
which  was  nailed  down  over  them  smoothly,  and  made  quite 
a  pleasant  surface  to  dance  upon ;  but  the  fine  lint  which 
arose  from  it  was  found  to  have  a  very  bad  effect  on  the 
lungs  of  dancers  and  musicians.  A  favorite  player  of  dance 
music  in  New  York  died  a  few  years  ago  of  consumption, 
caused  by  constantly  inhaling  this  lint ;  and  the  use  of  crash 
has  now  been  abandoned  in  a  great  measure  because  it  has 
proved  so  unwholesome. 

Plenty  of  good  music  is  a  great  desideratum  for  a  ball. 
Where  a  band  of  four  or  five  or  more  players  is  employed,  it 
is  usual  to  place  them  in  a  small  room  adjoining  those  used 
for  dancing,  or  at  the  end  of  the  hall,  a  screen  of  vines  and 
flowers  concealing  the  usually  prosaic  forms  of  the  hired 
musicians. 

What  a  pity  it  is  that  we  cannot  hire  Apollo  to  play  for 
dancing-parties  !  Then  we  should  not  mind  looking  at  him ; 


BALLS  AND  DANCING  PARTIES.  133 

and  he,  being  a  god,  would  not  get  so  desperately  tired  as  do 
the  poor  human  musicians,  who  begin  to  wail  out  the  dance 
music  in  rather  lugubrious  fashion  toward  three  or  four 
in  the  morning.  How  utterly  inconsiderate  and  thoughtless, 
not  to  say  selfish,  are  very  young  people  !  To  them  the 
fatigue  of  a  fat,  elderly  German  musician  is  incomprehensible ; 
indeed,  they  cannot  understand  that  he  should  even  want  to 
stop  playing  long  enough  to  eat  his  supper. 

It  is  lucky  for  the  rest  of  the  world  that  we  can  only  be 
young  once.  Youth  is  a  glorious  period,  but  how  it  makes 
every  one  else  suffer  !  Rapt  in  delightful  roseate  visions,  the 
young  man  treads  on  air,  and  yet  at  the  same  time  he  man- 
ages somehow  to  crush  all  the  gouty  toes  that  are  anywhere 
near  him ! 

For  a  baD,  all  the  appointments  must  be  very  handsome ; 
there  must  be  a  first-class  supper  as  well  as  good  music,  good 
floors,  and  plenty  of  illumination.  Usually  a  wealth  of  floral 
decoration  is  an  important  feature  of  a  modern  ball-room  ; 
people  turn  their  city  mansions  into  temporary  greenhouses, 
and  waving  palms,  with  every  variety  of  potted  plants  and 
choice  flowers,  make  a  veritable  Eden  for  the  time  being. 

Where  a  ball  is  given  in  a  public  hall  or  a  theatre,  rich 
hangings  and  handsome  rugs,  with  pseudo-old  furniture  and 
bric-a-brac,  are  disposed  in  such  a  way  as  to  give  the  effect  of 
a  house  as  far  as  possible ;  for  if  we  don't  worship  the  Lares 
and  Penates  of  home  in  this  age,  we  do  worship  the  idol 
bric-a-brac. 

In  a  private  house  most  of  the  furniture  is  necessarily  re- 
moved from  the  ball-rooms  to  make  room  for  the  dancers ; 
but  a  fringe  of  chairs  and  sofas  should  be  left  for  the  dow- 
agers, who  cannot  be  expected  to  stand  during  a  whole  even- 
ing. In  England,  people  hire  "  rout-seats  with  velvet  or 
damask  cushions "  for  so  much  a  foot ;  but  in  this  country 
we  hire  only  chairs  for  the  german  or  cotillon,  true  to  our 


134  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

priiiciple  of  looking  out  for  the  comfort  of  the  young  people, 
and  letting  the  elders  look  out  for  themselves.  Paterfamilias 
must  not  forget  to  provide  these  seats  for  the  german,  which 
play  an  important  part  in  the  evening's  entertainment.  Fifty 
years  ago  the  cotillon  was  danced  without  seats -in  New  York; 
but  we  have  changed  all  that. 

Supper  may  be  served  continuously  during  the  evening,  or 
it  may  take  place  at  a  stated  hour,  —  twelve  or  one  o'clock, 
for  instance.  If  the  latter  plan  is  adopted,  it  is  advisable  to 
have  punch,  bouillon,  and  other  light  refreshments  placed 
where  they  will  be  easily  accessible  throughout  the  even- 
ing. Bouillon  and  ices  are  sometimes  handed  among  the  com- 
pany at  intervals.  Those  who  dance  the  german  will  need 
a  second  supper ;  or,  if  that  is  not  provided,  bouillon  and  ices 
should  be  passed  to  them. 

Oysters,  —  fried,  creamed,  escaloped,  and  raw,  —  salads, 
croquettes,  cold  salmon  served  whole  and  handsomely  orna- 
mented, boned  turkey,  terrapin,  birds,  ices  of  the  most  expen- 
sive forms  and  varieties,  —  such  as  frozen  pudding,  bombe 
glacee,  caf6  mousse,  etc.,  —  wine  jellies  and  charlotte  russe, 
fresh  and  candied  fruits,  bonbons,  tea  and  coffee,  and  endless 
quantities  of  cake,  are  found  on  the  supper-tables.  Cham- 
pagne and  other  wines  are  usually  provided ;  and  alas  !  it  is 
sometimes  wiser  for  ladies  not  to  visit  the  supper-table  very 
late  in  the  evening,  unless  they  wish  to  run  the  risk  of  meeting 
there  young  men  who  have  drunk  more  than  is  good  for  them. 

The  quantity  of  silver  plate,  gold  spoons,  etc.,  displayed  by 
some  rich  families  on  these  occasions  is  very  great,  and  detec- 
tives in  evening  dress  are  sometimes  employed  to  watch  the 
supper-table.  Other  entertainers  do  not  use  all  their  best 
plate  and  china  at  a  crowded  ball,  but  hire  their  supplies 
from  the  confectioner,  thus  giving  themselves  greater  ease  of 
mind  than  they  could  possibly  have,  were  so  much  of  their 
worldly  wealth  exposed  to  loss  or  destruction. 


BALLS  AND  DANCING  PARTIES.  135 

It  is  the  rule  that  a  hostess  shall  not  be  more  handsomely 
attired  than  her  guests,  because  if  any  one  happens  to  be 
simply  dressed  the  hostess  thus  keeps  her  in  countenance 
as  it  were.  But  for  a  ball  this  rule  does  not  hold.  Here  it 
is  expected  that  every  one  will  be  en  gratide  toilette,  and 
the  hostess  therefore  wears  her  handsomest  robes,  her  most 
beautiful  jewelry.  Fashions  in  dress  of  course  vary  con- 
stantly ;  but  it  is  an  invariable  rule  that  debutantes  and  very 
young  girls  should  wear  jewelry  sparingly.  If  a  young  girl 
owns,  for  instance,  a  pair  of  large  and  valuable  diamond  ear- 
rings, she  does  better  not  to  wear  them  until  she  has  been  in 
society  for  several  years. 

Young  girls  should  always  choose  white,  or  light,  delicate 
colors  for  ball  costumes,  and  as  a  rule,  soft  transparent  mate- 
rials, such  as  tulle,  mull,  India  muslin,  etc. ;  it  will  be  time 
enough  to  wear  rich  heavy  brocades,  silks,  and  dark  velvets, 
when  they  shall  have  attained  more  mature  years.  Some 
young  girls  prefer  silken  materials  for  ball  dresses  because 
they  are  less  perishable.  Rich  laces  should  be  reserved  for 
elder  or  married  ladies ;  Valenciennes  and  the  thousand  and 
one  pretty,  cheap  laces  now  in  vogue  are  suitable  for  girls, 
but  deep  flounces,  aprons,  etc.,  of  point  lace  are  not  appro- 
priate for  them. 

Debutantes  are  often  ambitious  of  wearing  costumes  that 
are  altogether  unsuited  to  their  years.  They  do  not  under- 
stand that  it  is  "  better  form  "  for  them  to  dress  youthfully  ; 
indeed,  they  are  often  ashamed  of  being  so  young,  and  try  to 
hide  their  greatest  charms,  —  youth  and  freshness  !  With 
such  girls,  mothers  should  exercise  a  proper  degree  of  firmness 
on  the  subject  of  clothes,  and  in  two  or  three  years  their 
daughters  will  thank  them  for  it. 

In  this  country  dressing-rooms  are  always  provided  for 
balls,  parties,  etc.,  —  one  for  ladies  and  one  for  gentlemen. 
Tt  seems  to  us  quite  extraordinary  that  in  London  such  a 


136  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

provision  is  often  omitted,  and  a  lady  must  put  the  last 
touches  to  her  toilette  before  leaving  her  carriage. 

In  the  lady's  dressing-room,  attendants  should  be  in  wait- 
ing to  help  the  guests  take  off  their  cloaks,  remove  their 
overshoes  for  them,  etc.  ;  and  one  attendant  at  least  should 
stay  there  all  the  evening,  since  young  ladies  are  liable  at 
any  moment  to  need  a  ruffle  mended  or  to  have  some  other 
damage  to  their  dresses  repaired.  The  foot  of  man  makes 
wondrous  havoc  with  the  light  draperies  of  a  ball-dress ; 
and  the  Countess  *  *  *  gravely  informs  her  readers  that 
gentlemen  should  not  wear  spurs  in  a  ball-room ! 

Where  there  are  a  great  number  of  people  present,  it  is 
well  to  have  the  cloak  bundles  numbered,  each  lady  hav- 
ing a  duplicate  number  in  her  pocket.  At  a  public  ball  this 
should  always  be  done.  There  have  been  some  dreadful 
times  at  the  White  House  through  carelessness  in  this  par- 
ticular ;  and  after  General  Grant's  Inauguration  Ball,  people 
grew  so  desperate  with  long  and  vain  hunting  for  their  wraps, 
that  many  went  home  hatless  and  coatless  in  the  night  air 
like  so  many  Cinderellas. 

In  the  street,  an  awning  overhead  and  a  carpet  on  the 
steps  and  sidewalk  should  be  provided  for  the  comfort  of  the 
guests,  and  a  policeman  hired  for  the  occasion ;  or  a  private 
servant  should  open  the  doors  of  the  carriages  and  help  the 
ladies  out.  This  functionary  should  also  number  the  car- 
riages, giving  one  number  to  the  driver  and  the  duplicate  to 
the  occupants  of  the  carriage,  so  as  to  simplify  as  far  as  possi- 
ble the  tedious  process  of  finding  one's  carriage  when  the 
party  is  over.  A  servant  should  also  be  stationed  at  the 
door,  so  that  the  guests  may  be  admitted  without  delay. 


CHAPTER   XV. 

ETIQUETTE   OF   THE   BALL-ROOM. 

A  LADY  does  not  now  enter  a  salon  leaning  on  the  arm  of 
her  husband  or  other  escort.  With  the  growing  indepen- 
dence of  women,  this  old  custom  is  falling  into  desuetude. 
The  lady  enters  first,  the  gentleman  following  her ;  if  there 
are  several  ladies,  the  eldest  goes  first,  mothers  taking  prece- 
dence of  their  daughters  in  this  country,  according  to  the 
Puritanical  notion  of  respect  for  parents  which  we  still 
believe  in  —  in  a  few  instances.  In  Europe  the  daughter 
who  has  married  a  man  of  higher  rank  than  her  mother  has, 
takes  precedence  of  her  parent  on  all  occasions,  the  latter 
following  meekly  in  the  rear. 

The  hostess  at  a  ball  does  not  usually  shake  hands  with 
her  guests,  but  makes  them  a  sweeping  courtesy  instead. 
Where  she  is  supported  by  several  daughters  or  friends  who 
receive  with  her,  it  is  rather  a  severe  ordeal  for  a  bashful 
guest  to  go  up  and  receive  a  perfect  broadside  of  courtesies ; 
nevertheless  it  must  be  done  as  soon  as  one  enters  the  ball- 
room. Even  if  one  comes  late  and  the  hostess  has  left  her 
post,  the  first  duty  is  to  hunt  her  up,  and  the  next,  for  a 
gentleman,  is  to  shake  hands  with  his  host.  If  he  has  been 
invited  through  some  friend  and  is  unacquainted  with  his 
hosts,  he  should  get  his  friend  to  present  him;  he  should 
also  ask  to  be  presented  to  the  young  ladies  of  the  house, 


138  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

and  if  he  is  a  polite  young  man,  he  will  ask  to  have  the 
pleasure  of  dancing  with  them. 

For  the  cotillon  it  is  now  usual  to  engage  a  partner  before 
the  day  of  the  ball,  and  to  send  her  a  bouquet.  This  is  a 
very  expensive  custom  for  young  men,  and  one  that  many  of 
them  would  be  glad  to  dispense  with,  because  they  cannot 
afford  it.  What  a  boon  it  would  be  to  society  if  some  lead- 
ing belle  should  take  a  hint  from  the  present  fashions  in 
funeral  arrangements,  and  announce  to  her  adorers  that  "  no 
flowers  "  would  be  received  !  Her  popularity  would  increase 
fifty  per  cent,  not  only  with  the  young  men  but  with  their 
fond  parents,  who  groan  in  spirit  over  the  immense  florist's 
bills  they  are  called  upon  to  pay. 

When  asking  a  young  lady  to  dance,  be  sure  to  do  so  in  a 
polite  way.  "  May  I  have  the  pleasure  of  dancing  the  cotil- 
lon with  you  ? "  Never  say,  "  Are  you  engaged  for  such  and 
such  a  dance  ? "  This  is  extremely  rude,  as  it  may  oblige  the 
lady  to  confess  that  she  has  not  been  asked  for  that  dance. 
Yet  some  young  men  use  this  formula  who  ought  to  know 
better ;  they  wish  to  save  themselves  the  mortification  of  a 
refusal,  and  thrust  upon  a  lady  the  position  they  do  not  wish 
to  assume  themselves. 

That  young  ladies  should  never  ask  gentlemen  to  dance 
with  them,  is  a  self-evident  proposition  ;  nevertheless  they 
sometimes  do  it,  or  young  men  say  that  they  do.  When  a 
dance  and  the  promenade  which  usually  succeeds  it  are  over, 
a  gentleman  should  always  ask  his  partner  with  whom  he 
shall  leave  her,  unless  he  already  knows  where  her  mother 
or  other  chaperone  is  sitting.  No  one  should  feel  obliged 
to  go  on  dancing  or  talking  forever  with  the  same  person, 
and  a  young  lady  should  be  very  careful  not  to  detain 
a  partner  so  that  he  will  feel  any  awkwardness  in  excusing 
himself. 

Mr.  Howells  has  drawn  a  vivid  picture,  in  his  "Indian 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  BALL-ROOM.  139 

Summer,"  of  the  dreadful  consequences  which  ensue  when  a 
man  endeavors  to  dance  the  Lancers'  quadrille  without  know- 
ing how;  but  infinitely  more  terrible  are  the  results  when 
any  one  endeavors  to  trifle  with  waltzing,  —  a  most  deadly  and 
dangerous  science,  with  which  the  unskilled  should  no  more 
think  of  meddling  than  they  would  of  handling  dynamite. 

In  the  first  place,  the  waltz  step  is  changed  every  few  years  ; 
therefore  even  a  person  who  could  dance  very  well  according 
to  the  old  method  should  not  venture  upon  the  new  one 
until  he  has  tried  it  in  private.  Some  of  the  very  best 
dancers,  however,  are  those  who  were  wretchedly  awkward 
in  the  beginning ;  and  as  we  read  about  Demosthenes  and 
the  pebbles  he  carried  in  his  mouth,  so  ball-room  stories  are 
whispered  about  the  prowess  of  certain  carpet-knights,  —  how 
this  one  practised  with  a  chair  till  he  mastered  the  Boston, 
how  that  one's  pretty  cousin  drilled  him  until  he  acquired 
his'present  style,  etc. 

There  are  professional  people  whose  special  business  it  is 
to  teach  young  men  the  current  ball-room  step ;  and  even 
better  than  these,  where  their  assistance  can  be  secured,  are 
graceful  feminine  friends  who  can  dance  with  the  neophyte 
and  instruct  him  at  the  same  time. 

A  gentleman  should  always  make  a  bow  to  a  lady  when 
asking  her  to  dance,  and  both  of  them  should  bow  and  say 
"  Thank  you  "  when  the  dance  is  over. 

Despite  the  intricacies  of  the  german,  any  one  who  is  tol- 
erably clear-headed  and  observant  is  safe  in  undertaking  to 
dance  it,  provided  he  is  a  good  waltzer.  Those  who  are  not 
familiar  with  the  figures,  however,  should  take  their  places 
near  the  foot,  where  they  will  have  a  good  opportunity  of 
watching  others  go  through  the  various  evolutions  of  the 
dance,  before  their  own  turn  comes.  The  part  of  leader  of 
the  german  is  a  very  responsible  one,  and  like  all  other  posi- 
tions of  eminence,  it  involves  arduous  duties  as  well  as  honor 


140  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

and  glory.  No  one  should  undertake  it  who  is  not  thoroughly 
familiar  with  the  dance. 

One  of  its  rules  is  that  people  shall  not  dance  save  in  their 
turn ;  and  although  this  rule  is  occasionally  violated,  still, 
where  the  leader  goes  around  and  requests  the  gentlemen 
"  not  to  take  turns,"  it  is  only  polite  to  refrain  from  doing  so. 
For  a  ball,  a  hostess  needs  to  provide  several  sets  of  german 
favors,  including  a  bouquet  for  each  lady  in  the  bouquet 
figure. 

According  to  European  customs  any  gentleman  in  the  room 
may  ask  a  lady  to  dance  whether  he  has  been  introduced 
to  her  or  not ;  and  it  is  customary  for  her  to  accept  the  in- 
vitation, unless  she  is  already  engaged  for  the  dance.  After 
it  is  over,  her  partner  leaves  her  at  her  place,  with  a  bow, 
and  their  acquaintance,  if  such  it  can  be  called,  ends  with  the 
dance. 

.  In  this  country  a  gentleman  does  not  ask  a  lady  to  dance 
unless  he  has  first  been  presented  to  her.  He  should  get 
the  hostess  or  some  mutual  acquaintance  to  ask  the  lady  if 

she  is  willing  to  have  Mr. introduced  to  her.     Mr. 

should  in  the  mean  time  not  stand  so  near  that  he  will  hear 
the  lady's  answer,  for  she  may  have  her  own  reasons  for  not 
desiring  to  make  his  acquaintance. 

Our  young  men  have  an  odious  and  selfish  habit  of  not 
dancing  if  they  cannot  secure  just  the  partners  they  want,  and 
of  standing,  a  black-coated  and  dismal  group,  like  so  many 
crows,  around  the  doorway.  This  is  extremely  impolite  to 
their  hostess  as  well  as  to  such  ladies  as  are  not  dancing.  A 
well-bred  young  man  should  ask  his  hostess  to  present  him  to 
a  partner,  and  should  be  polite  in  every  way  toward  her 
guests. 

Young  ladies  should  not  be  too  much  troubled  if  they  are 
not  asked  to  dance  as  often  as  they  would  like,  and  above 
all  they  should  never  look  hurt  or  vexed.  A  good-natured, 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  BALL-ROOM.  141 

happy-looking  wall-flower  often  turns  into  a  butterfly  and 
finds  her  wings.  Girls  who  are  bright  and  amiable  some- 
times begin  with  receiving  very  little  attention  at  parties, 
and  end  with  being  favorites  after  their  agreeable  qualities 
become  known,  "especially  if  they  dance  well."  Some  young 
ladies  never  are  willing  to  be  seen  in  a  ball-room  after  the 
cotillon  has  begun,  unless  they  have  a  partner.  They  either 
go  home  or  sit  in  the  dressing-room.  Others  remain  in  the 
ball-room  looking  very  discontented,  and  refuse  to  go  out  in 
the  german  if  they  are  invited  to  do  so,  which  is  obviously 
very  foolish. 

A  young  lady  is  much  more  apt  to  have  dancing  partners 
throughout  the  season  if  a  ball  has  been  given  for  her. 
Gratitude  or  some  kindred  emotion  induces  the  young  men 
to  dance  with  her  rather  than  with  the  daughters  of  a 
mother  who  never  entertains. 

In  the  german  it  is  quite  permissible  for  a  lady  to  take 
out  a  gentleman  whom  she  does  not  know,  —  because  she  must 
take  out  some  one,  according  to  the  laws  of  the  dance ;  and 
if  she  knows  very  few  of  the  gentlemen  who  are  dancing,  she 
must  either  take  out  a  stranger  or  else  call  upon  her  friends 
or  acquaintances  over  and  over  again.  It  is  polite  for  a 
young  man  who  has  thus  been  favored,  to  ask  for  an  intro- 
duction to  the  young  lady  with  whom  he  has  danced ;  but 
in  our  Eastern  cities,  young  men  are  in  such  a  powerful 
minority  that  they  do  pretty  much  as  they  please. 

Young  ladies  should  be  very  careful  not  to  forget  their 
dancing  engagements,  and  should  never  refuse  one  gentleman 
and  then  dance  with  another.  A  young  lady  may  refuse  on 
the  plea  that  she  is  not  going  to  dance  that  particular  dance, 
but  she  must  then  be  careful  to  sit  through  it.  Where  a 
young  man  has  engaged  himself  to  two  young  ladies  for  the 
same  dance,  he  is  in  an  awkward  predicament  indeed,  from 
his  own  carelessness.  He  can  only  confess  his  fault,  procure 


142  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

another  partner  for  one  or  both  of  the  ladies,  and  by  subse- 
quent attentions  show  that  he  is  sorry  for  his  blunder. 

A  hostess  should  endeavor  to  see  that  all  her  guests  are 
provided  with  partners  for  dancing,  especially  for  the  cotil- 
lon. She  usually  has  one  or  two  young  men  who  are 
friends  of  the  family  to  help  her  in  this  matter,  or  she  has 
ladies  who  receive  with  her,  and  thus  enable  her  to  slip 
away  occasionally  and  attend  to  her  guests.  But  where 
young  men  flatly  refuse  to  dance,  what  can  the  hostess  do  1 
It  seems  incredible  that  they  should  be  so  rude;  the  fact 
remains  that  they  are. 

To  strangers  from  another  city  special  attention  should 
always  be  paid.  It  has  been  said  that  strangers  in  Boston 
society  always  have  either  a  very  delightful  or  a  very  dull 
time.  When  supper  is  announced  the  host  leads  the  way, 
taking  in  with  him  the  most  distinguished  lady  present ;  the 
hostess  follows  last,  in  order  to  see  that  all  her  guests  are 
properly  attended  to.  A  gentleman  takes  the  lady  in  to 
supper  with  whom  he  is  talking  when  it  is  announced,  unless 
he  has  made  a  previous  engagement  to  take  in  some  one  else. 
In  this  last  case  he  must  be  on  the  alert,  and  excuse  himself 
to  the  lady  he  is  with,  as  soon  as  the  first  movement  toward 
the  supper-table  begins ;  otherwise  he  plays  the  part  of  dog 
in  the  manger,  and  prevents  other  gentlemen  from  escorting 
her  to  the  supper-room.  If  a  young  man  happens  to  be  talk- 
ing to  a  young  lady  and  her  chaperone  when  supper  is  an- 
nounced, he  should  offer  his  arm  to  the  latter,  who  should 
accept  it,  the  young  lady  following  close  behind  them  or 
walking  beside  her  mother. 

A  gentleman  may  always  ask  a  lady  if  he  can  bring  her 
some  refreshment,  even  where  she  is  a  stranger  to  him.  In 
fact,  it  would  be  very  ill-bred  for  a  gentleman  not  to  do  so, 
where  he  noticed  in  the  ball-room  or  in  the  supper-room 
ladies  to  whose  wants  no  one  was  attending.  But  he  can- 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  BALL-ROOM.  143 

not  with  propriety  enter  into  conversation  with  a  stranger 
whom  he  has  thus  obliged.  He  merely  bows  and  withdraws. 
Some  young  men  attend  to  their  own  wants  at  the  supper- 
table  more  faithfully  than  to  their  partner's,  returning  at 
long  intervals  to  see  if  the  ladies  want  anything  more.  But 
if  greediness  is  unpleasant  in  a  man,  it  is  much  less  pardon- 
able in  a  woman,  and  a  young  lady  should  be  careful  not  to 
make  too  many  demands  at  the  supper-table  lest  she  earn  the 
reputation  of  caring  too  much  about  what  she  eats.  It  is 
wiser  as  well  as  more  economical  for  the  hostess  to  have 
hired  waiters  attend  to  helping  her  guests  unless  she  has  a 
large  corps  of  servants  of  her  own.  Men  whose  business  it 
is  to  wait  are  much  more  efficient  and  much  more  careful 
than  young  gentlemen;  the  latter  are  often  very  heedless, 
upsetting  dishes  and  plates,  and  very  wasteful,  helping  people 
to  more  than  they  can  possibly  eat. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  take  leave  of  a  hostess  at  a  ball, 
especially  if  one  leaves  early  and  before  the  affair  begins  to 
break  up. 

Young  ladies  should  have  a  little  mercy  on  their  unfortu- 
nate mothers  and  partners,  and  not  stay  too  late  at  balls. 
The  mammas  find  it  dreary  work  indeed  sitting  up  into  the 
small  hours  ;  and  the  young  men,  many  of  whom  are  obliged 
to  go  to  business  next  day,  of  course  cannot  leave  until  their 
fair  partners  are  ready  to  go.  Thus  the  young  girls  are  really 
the  arbiters  of  the  ball-room,  and  through  thoughtlessness 
rather  than  selfishness  they  often  make  other  people  endure 
extreme  fatigue.  Indeed,  the  late  hours  and  the  wretched 
feeling  of  weariness  incident  to  rising  early  after  dancing 
nearly  all  night,  are  responsible  for  many  of  the  dissipated 
habits  that  young  men  fall  into. 


CHAPTER   XVI. 

MUSICAL   PARTIES. 

IT  is  very  much  the  fashion  now,  both  in  England  and  in 
this  country,  to  provide  some  more  or  less  intellectual  feast 
for  the  entertainment  of  guests ;  and  music,  readings,  recita- 
tions, are  all  in  great  demand.  Of  these,  music  is  the  chief 
favorite,  and  the  easiest  to  procure,  since  almost  every  young 
lady  who  goes  into  society  has  some  vocal  or  instrumental 
accomplishment. 

A  little  music,  even  if  it  is  not  very  well  rendered,  makes 
a  pleasant  break  in  the  monotony  of  a  talking  party  ;  it  gives 
those  present  an  opportunity  to  change  their  places,  to  make 
an  end  of  tiresome  conversations,  and  to  begin  fresh  ones. 
So  if  a  young  lady  does  not  sing  like  Patti  or  Nilsson,  we 
forgive  her,  as  long  as  her  voice  is  fresh  and  sweet,  and 
provided  her  efforts  are  not  too  ambitious.  An  entertainment 
where  a  little  music  is  given,  however,  is  a  very  different 
affair  from  a  regular  musicale,  whether  it  be  matinee  or  soiree. 
Where  this  name  is  used,  it  must  not  be  taken  in  vain ;  and 
the  guests  will  have  a  right  to  be  both  discontented  and 
satirical  if  they  hear  no  music  worthy  of  the  name. 

It  is  needless  to  enter  here  into  a  discussion  of  the  merits 
of  the  different  schools  of  music.  Some  very  delightful 
musicals  are  given  where  the  programme  consists  entirely 
of  selections  from  the  Italian  operas;  though  most  of  us 
would  prefer  a  sprinkling  at  least  of  the  more  intellectual 


MUSICAL  PARTIES.  145 

harmonies  of  the  German  composers.  Be  that  as  it  may,  the 
most  important  point  is  that  the  music  should  be  good  of 
its  kind,  and  interpreted  by  adequate  performers,  amateur  or 
professional.  No  one  should  attempt  to  give  a  musicale 
unless  he  has  a  real  acquaintance  with  the  art  of  music,  or 
unless  he  puts  the  whole  matter  in  the  hands  of  some  thor- 
oughly competent  person.  A  man  who  should  make  a  collec- 
tion of  pictures  without  having  any  knowledge  of  the  art  of 
painting,  and  invite  all  his  friends  to  look  at  his  gallery, 
would  be  voted  an  intolerable  bore.  The  man  who  inflicts 
on  you  two  or  three  hours  of  musical  (?)  torture,  through  his 
own  ignorance  and  ambition,  is  even  a  greater  bore ;  because 
you  can  turn  your  back  on  the  pictures,  but  you  can't  get 
away  from  the  music  unless  you  stop  your  ears,  which  would 
not  be  considered  polite. 

Where  the  host's  purse  is  sufficiently  long,  it  is  much 
better  to  employ  some  professional  musicians,  or  what  are 
called  "  semi-pjrpfessionals  ; "  that  is  to  say,  people  who  sing  in 
church-choirs,  etc.,  and  are  paid  for  what  they  do,  although 
very  often  they  have  some  other  business  or  occupation. 

The  amateur  is  sometimes  a  brilliant  performer  or  a  fin- 
ished vocalist,  but  he  belongs  to  a  most  uncertain  species,  — 
uncertain  in  more  respects  than  one.  In  the  first  place,  you 
can  seldom  count  on  an  amateur  for  any  special  occasion, 
particularly  if  he  is  a  singer.  Great  are  the  disappointments 
caused  by  amateurs,  as  any  one  can  testify  who  has  had  much 
to  do  with  them.  They  are  not  paid  for  their  efforts,  —  they 
simply  sing  or  play  to  oblige  other  people,  —  hence  they  do  not 
feel  themselves  bound  to  appear  if  they  happen  to  feel  a  little 
unwell,  or  if  they  hear  that  some  superior  performer  is  going 
to  eclipse  them.  Those  who  sing  have  more  to  excuse  them 
than  those  who  play,  the  voice  being  a  delicate  and  unreli- 
able organ,  in  the  care  of  which  an  amateur  rarely  equals  a 
professional. 

10 


146  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

The  second  point  of  uncertainty  about  an  amateur  musi- 
cian is  as  to  his  talents  and  capabilities.  A  man's  friends 
will  say,  "  Oh,  So-and-so  sings  delight/idly,  you  must  have 
him  at  your  concert ! "  when  So-and-so  has  only  a  mediocre 
voice,  with  very  little  cultivation.  There  is  no  uniform 
standard  by  which  people  judge  musical  performance,  because 
so  many  know  nothing  at  all  about  the  art,  and  praise  any- 
thing that  happens  to  please  them. 

But  if  one  employs  professionals  the  case  is  very  different. 
It  is  comparatively  easy  to  find  out  what  their  musical  stand- 
ing is,  and  they  are  much  less  capricious  than  their  half- 
brothers  the  virtuosi.  Probably  they  have  as  much  vanity 
and  ambition  as  the  latter ;  but  the  chariot  of  regular  work 
has  an  amazing  tendency  to  quiet  Pegasus.  When  he  is  once 
hitched  between  its  shafts,  business  habits  become  second 
nature,  and  the  prospect  of  bread  and  butter  is  even  more 
stimulating  as  a  daily  incentive  than  that  of  fame. 

If  a  professional  musician  is  asked  to  sing  or  play  he  must 
always  be  paid  for  his  services.  Some  people,  who  ought 
to  know  better,  invite  well-known  singers  to  their  houses 
and  then  request  these  guests  to  sing  for  the  amusement  of 
the  company.  This  is  in  contravention  of  all  the  laws  of 
etiquette,  and  often  produces  much  ill-feeling.  The  guest 
does  not  like  to  refuse,  because  that  would  seem  a  churlish 
return  for  the  hospitality  he  is  enjoying ;  at  the  same  time  he 
feels  that  it  is  treating  him  shabbily  to  invite  him  in  his  char- 
acter of  a  private  gentleman,  and  then  expect  him  to  display 
himself  in  his  public  and  professional  character  as  an  artist. 
He  feels  also  that  it  is  a  mean  way  of  forcing  him  to  part  — 
for  nothing  —  with  what  is  in  reality  a  part  of  his  stock  in 
trade.  We  don't  invite  merchants  to  our  houses  and  then 
ask  them  for  a  chest  of  tea  or  a  firkin  of  butter ;  nor  do  we 
take  advantage  of  the  presence  of  a  doctor  at  a  festive  gather- 
ing to  get  him  to  prescribe  for  some  ailing  member  of  the 


MUSICAL  PARTIES.  147 

family.  An  artist  deserves  quite  as  much  or  more  consider- 
ation at  our  hands  than  do  these  others ;  for  he  is  often  a 
stranger,  and  feels  himself  in  a  delicate  position.  Often,  too, 
he  is  of  a  sensitive  nature  and  easily  offended. 

If  you  wish  him,  then,  to  sing  or  play  at  your  party,  he 
should  he  invited  to  do  so  heforehand  in  a  careful  and  deli- 
cate way.  You  cannot  command  his  services  as  you  would 
order  a  ton  of  coal,  —  that  is,  not  if  you  expect  to  get  them. 
Artists  are  "kittle  folk"  to  deal  with,  and  when  one  re- 
members how  badly  they  have  often  been  treated  it  is  small 
wonder.  They  feel,  and  rightly,  that  the  profession  they 
have  chosen  is  not  a  degrading,  but  an  elevating  one.  They 
are  not  the  less  gentlemen  for  being  artists,  but  their  social 
position  is  often  disputed  by  those  who  should  know  better. 

When  Dickens  was  asked  to  read  before  the  Queen  of  Eng- 
land, he  replied  that  if  he  was  invited  as  a  gentleman  he 
would  do  so,  but  not  otherwise.  In  an  interview  which  he 
once  had  with  the  same  exalted  personage  he  showed  some- 
what of  the  spirit  of  a  lackey,  however,  for  he  stood  during 
their  long  conversation  —  of  an  hour's  length  or  more  —  and 
then  complained  about  it  afterward.  How  much  more  digni- 
fied was  the  conduct  of  Carlyle  !  When  he  visited  the  royal 
Guelph,  he  calmly  sat  down,  not  out  of  bravado,  but  because 
it  was  fatiguing  to  stand.  Her  Majesty  gracefully  accepted 
the  situation,  sat  down  herself,  and  waved  her  hand  to  those 
about  her  as  a  token  that  they  also  should  be  seated.  She 
felt  instinctively  that  she  had  met  not  only  her  superior,  but 
one  to  whom  the  artificial  divisions  of  mankind  into  classes 
made  absolutely  no  difference.  He  saw  so  keenly  the  real  and 
actual  divisions  made  by  the  Almighty,  —  the  superior  qual- 
ities of  some  men,  the  inferior  qualities  of  others,  —  that  the 
little  petty  difference  in  outward  appearance  between  a  pup- 
pet prince  and  a  peasant  was  to  him  of  no  real  importance. 
Dickens  and  Thackeray  cried  out  constantly  about  snobbish- 


148  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

ness,  because  its  yoke  was  around  their  own  necks.  The 
man  of  greater  soul  did  not  complain  of  it,  because  his 
thoughts  were  ever  on  higher  subjects. 

In  our  own  country  instances  are  not  wanting  of  snobbish 
conduct  toward  artists.  A  Boston  Anglo-maniac  said  to  the 
artist  who  was  painting  his  portrait,  "  Why  don't  you  marry, 

Mr. ]  It  would  be  an  excellent  plan,  if  you  should 

marry  some  young  woman  of  your  own  class." 

Where  a  musician  is  new  in  his  profession,  and  wishes  to 
be  made  known  and  advertised,  he  may  sometimes  be  glad 
to  give  his  services  without  compensation  —  to  those  who  are 
disposed  to  help  him  in  his  life  effort,  to  those  who  are  in 
truth  his  friends  and  patrons.  But  one  must  have  an  actual 
claim  upon  an  artist,  or  know  that  he  is  a  person  really 
obliging,  and  willing  to  give  his  services  to  please  and  amuse 
others,  before  it  will  be  safe  to  call  upon  him  to  do  so.  A 
young  pianist  in  Boston  was  seriously  displeased  because  he 
was  asked  to  play,  without  previous  notification,  before  half 
a  dozen  people  after  dinner. 

The  host  at  a  musical  party  has  not  only  many  snares  to 
avoid  in  the  selection  of  his  musicians,  but  he  must  also  look 
out  for  dangers  ahead  when  he  chooses  his  audience.  A 
rmtsicak  cannot  be  a  success  unless  most  of  the  hearers  are 
fond  of  music,  and  of  the  kind  which  has  been  chosen  for 
the  evening's  entertainment.  Thus,  it  is  best  not  to  make  a 
general  party  of  such  an  occasion,  but  to  invite  those  only 
who  will  really  enjoy  your  programme.  If  the  audience  is 
large  and  mixed,  it  will  be  safer  not  to  have  a  strictly  classi- 
cal one. 

It  is  very  rude  to  interrupt  a  musical  performance  by  talk- 
ing or  laughing.  Those  to  whom  music  is  a  bore  ought 
either  to  stay  at  home  or  to  keep  quiet  and  allow  others  to 
enjoy  it.  I  think  it  was  Liszt  about  whom  a  good  story 
was  told  apropos  of  interrupting  music.  He  had  been  asked 


MUSICAL  PARTIES.  149 

to  play  before  Queen  Victoria,  and  had  just  struck  the  first 
few  chords,  when  her  Majesty  turned  and  spoke  to  some  one. 
The  Maestro  was  much  offended,  but  of  course  could  not 
make  any  remonstrance ;  so  he  vented  all  his  wrath  on  the 
piano,  and  played  the  scales  with  such  violence  that  the 
Queen  was  obliged  to  get  up  and  leave  the  room.  As  soon 
as  she  had  gone,  Liszt  quieted  down  and  went  on  with  the 
performance  with  perfect  calmness. 

In  arranging  a  programme  ceteris  paribus,  the  best  per- 
former should  be  given  the  last  and  not  the  first  place.  The 
simple  pieces  also  should  come  before  the  more  elaborate  and 
florid  ones.  The  reasons  for  these  rules  are  obvious.  No 
ordinary  artist  would  wish  to  follow  one  of  marked  superior- 
ity, as  the  contrast  would  be  disadvantageous  to  him.  The 
interest  of  an  entertainment,  moreover,  ought  to  grow  and 
culminate,  instead  of  declining. 


M   a&fetnccn,    t_svwlca        tn- 
Stem  Witee  &  ftt't  cCwcn. 


•^wttJtc. 


is  a  proper  form  for  an  invitation  to  a  musical  party.     Camp- 
chairs  should  be  provided  for  the  accommodation  of  guests, 


150  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

and  a  good  piano  for  that  of  the  musicians.  It  is  unfair 
to  ask  a  pianist  to  play  on  a  second  or  third  rate  instru- 
ment, especially  as  one  can  always  hire  a  Chickering  or 
Steinway  anywhere  within  the  boundaries  of  civilization. 
The  manufacturers  will  send  a  piano  to  any  reasonable  dis- 
tance. If  the  hostess  has  a  good  piano  of  her  own  it  must  be 
put  in  tune  just  before  the  musicale,  and  must  not  be  tuned 
too  high  where  it  is  to  accompany  the  voice,  unless  the  lady 
of  the  house  wishes  to  receive  the  maledictions  of  tenor  and 
soprano  on  her  devoted  head. 

A  great  deal  of  wit  has  been  expended  in  making  fun  of 
people  who  will  not  sing  or  play  without  an  enormous 
amount  of  urging.  No  doubt  young  ladies  —  and  gentlemen 
too  —  do  sometimes  behave  in  a  foolish  and  affected  way, 
and  protest  they  cannot  sing  a  note,  when  all  the  time  they 
fully  mean  to  warble  as  long  and  as  loud  as  the  company 
will  let  them.  But  there  are  other  people  whose  natural 
shyness  makes  it  positively  painful  to  them  to  perform  in 
public.  Still  another  class  of  persons  hesitate  to  sing  or  play 
when  asked  to  do  so,  because  they  are  not  accomplished  mu- 
sicians and  can  only  cause  disappointment  by  their  efforts. 
How  true  to  nature  is  the  absurd  story  in  "  Happy  Thoughts," 
where  the  luckless  hero  is  fairly  forced  to  sing  a  comic  song 
which  he  has  half  forgotten,  to  the  disgust  of  himself  and 
everybody  present ! 

Miss  A.,  let  us  say,  is  fond  of  music,  has  a  sweet  voice,  and 
sings  pleasantly  enough  at  home,  where  she  gathers  her  little 
brothers  around  her  at  that  best  of  all  times  for  music,  the 
twilight  hour.  But  her  voice  is  entirely  uncultivated,  and 
she  does  not  pretend  to  be  a  musician.  At  Mrs.  D.'s  soiree 
some  injudicious  person  says,  "  Miss  A.,  I  hear  that  you  sing 
so  charmingly ;  won't  you  let  us  have  the  pleasure  of  hear- 
ing you  1 "  Others  take  up  the  chorus,  and  Miss  A.  is 
much  troubled,  because  she  is  placed  in  a  false  position.  If 


MUSICAL  PARTIES.  151 

the  occasion  is  a  very  small  and  informal  one  she  will  perhaps 
yield  to  the  general  entreaty  rather  than  seem  disobliging ; 
but  she  will  certainly  refuse  in  the  first  instance,  giving  the 
real  reason,  namely,  that  her  voice  is  not  cultivated,  and  that 
she  never  sings  except  at  home.  If  the  party  is  a  large  one, 
Miss  A.,  if  she  is  wise,  will  not  allow  herself  to  be  inveigled 
into  displaying  her  home  talent. 

A  hostess  should  have  tact  enough  to  see  whether  the 
guest  who  is  asked  to  sing  or  play  is  really  unwilling  to  do 
so,  or  whether  he  is  only  "  shamming."  It  is  both  impolite 
and  unkind  to  urge  people  to  do  what  they  evidently  prefer 
not  to  do.  Per  contra,  the  "second  person  of  the  second 
part,"  if  he  means  to  sing,  should  certainly  not  wait  till  he 
is  asked  to  do  so  many  times,  but  should  respond  to  the  first 
or  second  appeal.  It  is  more  polite  for  a  hostess  to  repeat 
her  invitation  only  once.  A  person  may  naturally  hesitate  at 
the  first  asking,  thinking  it  to  be  only  complimentary,  or  not 
wishing  to  appear  too  eager  to  display  his  accomplishments ; 
but  with  the  second  request  he  should  comply,  or  else  "forever 
hold  his  peace."  Generally  speaking,  it  is  better  quietly  to 
do  your  best,  and  if  you  have  any  skill  at  all  to  give  the 
company  the  benefit  of  it.  A  short  piece  should  be  selected 
for  the  first  one,  and  if  the  audience  like  it  they  can  easily 
ask  for  more.  It  goes  without  saying  that  no  one  should 
sing  or  play,  unless  at  the  invitation  of  the  host  or  hostess. 

An  eminent  musician  said  to  his  pupil  (who  was  an  ama- 
teur), "Do  not  attempt  to  play  your  most  difficult  pieces  of 
music  in  public.  Play  something  which  you  have  thoroughly 
mastered  and  which  is  comparatively  simple.  ...  If  you 
have  made  a  false  note  by  accident,  do  not  go  back  to  correct 
it."  This  gentleman  knew  something  of  the  fluster  and  excite- 
ment which  so  often  hamper  the  efforts  of  young  people 
unaccustomed  to  play  before  even  a  private  public,  —  if  one 
7nay  be  allowed  to  use  such  an  expression. 


152  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Children  should  be  taught  to  play  or  sing  before  other  peo- 
ple almost  from  the  beginning.  They  will  thus  acquire  a 
habit  which  may  be  invaluable  to  them  in  later  years,  and 
will  probably  never  experience  that  mauvaise  konte  which  is 
such  a  torment  to  those  who  are  subject  to  it.  It  goes  with- 
out saying  that  only  children  with  musical  talent  should  be 
brought  up  in  this  way.  Neither  should  these  be  allowed  to 
play  before  a  large  number  of  people  until  they  are  old  enough 
and  fitted  to  do  so.  A  child  who  is  put  forward  as  an  infant 
prodigy  becomes  conceited  and  odious.  It  is  easy  to  observe 
a  happy  medium  by  confining  the  young  lady's  audience  to  a 
small  circle  of  judicious  friends,  who  will  praise  the  music 
rather  than  the  performer,  and  who  will  encourage  her  with- 
out over-stimulating  her  vanity. 

People  who  have  large  houses  and  who  really  love  music 
often  have  a  room  specially  built  and  adapted  for  it.  The 
first  requirement  for  a  music-room  is  that  its  acoustic  prop- 
erties shall  be  good ;  hence  all  draperies  are  strictly  banished 
from  it,  —  carpet,  curtains,  upholstered  furniture.  Indeed, 
one  well-known  pianist  used  to  insist  that  all  ladies  should 
come  to  his  chamber  concerts  without  their  bonnets,  —  because 
the  bonnets  absorbed  so  much  sound  ! 

There  is  a  beautiful  music-room  in  one  of  those  exquisite 
houses  which  are  the  glory  of  new  Boston.  The  colors  are 
quiet  and  subdued,  the  decorations  all  harmonious  but  un- 
obtrusive, since  the  ornamentation  in  a  music-room  must  be 
of  secondary  consideration,  and  must  not  distract  the  atten- 
tion of  the  hearers  from  the  main  pleasure,  —  that  of  listen- 
ing. The  walls  are  crowned  by  a  white  frieze  composed  of 
casts  from  the  "  singing  boys  "  of  Lucca  della  Robbia.  The 
floor  is  of  polished  wood,  guiltless  of  nig  or  carpet.  Dainty 
and  graceful  cane-chairs,  imported  from  Italy,  take  the  place 
of  prosaic  camp-stools ;  the  rest  of  the  furniture  is  of  gilt 
wood,  with  two  empire  sofarettes.  The  inevitable  grand 


MUSICAL  PARTIES.  153 

piano  stands  in  one  corner,  while  near  by,  its  graceful  an- 
cestor the  harp  calls  up  the  spirit  of  ancient  times,  looking 
like  a  gentle  ghost  of  the  past  when  compared  with  its  pros- 
perous and  portly  grandchild  the  Chickering  grand.  A 
quaint  old  mandolin  completes  the  trio  of  musical  instru- 
ments. No  upholstery,  no  drapery  of  any  sort  is  to  be 
found  in  this  classic  apartment,  severe  but  beautiful,  like  the 
harmonious  sounds  which  echo  within  its  walls.  But  when 
it  is  filled  with  richly-dressed  women  and  gay  cavaliers, 
then  our  severe  room  is  like  a  marble  Psyche  which  has 
come  to  life,  and  the  cold  white  frame  suits  to  perfection 
the  beautiful  warm  picture  which  it  clasps  in  its  setting. 


CHAPTER   XVII. 

THE   ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 

THERE  is  no  social  event  which  is  of  greater  or  more  uni- 
versal interest  than  a  wedding.  The  mere  mention  of  one 
makes  everybody  feel  happy  and  good-natured ;  and  when 
the  great  day  itself  comes  off,  it  finds  all  concerned  in  the 
best  possible  spirits,  even  if  a  few  inconsiderate  people  will 
persist  in  crying  during  the  ceremony. 

The  betrothed  —  afterward  the  married  —  couple  are  for  a 
time  hero  and  heroine.  Every  one  smiles  and  showers  favors 
upon  them ;  they  are  the  great  and  central  attractions  of 
the  hour.  Their  every  movement  is  watched  with  an  in- 
tense interest  which  ordinarily  attaches  to  those  of  very  dis- 
tinguished persons  alone.  The  world  —  even  the  fashionable 
cynical  world  —  shows  its  approval  of  the  step  they  are  about 
to  take  by  smiles  and  nods  and  figurative  pats  upon  the 
back. 

Marriage  is  evidently  still  looked  upon  as  a  beneficent  in- 
stitution, notwithstanding  the  foolish  talk  of  some  news- 
papers and  people,  —  a  sort  of  fashionable  cant  of  the  day,  — 
and  notwithstanding  all  the  unhappy  details  of  Divorce 
Court  proceedings.  It  is  a  great  thing,  this  Anglo-Saxon 
respect  for  and  admiration  of  marriage ;  but  some  of  the 
results  of  this  feeling,  the  domestic  commotion,  undue  parade 
and  expense  that  grow  out  of  it,  are  seriously  deprecated  by 
thoughtful  people. 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  155 

In  the  first  place  the  bride  elect,  feeling  the  importance  of 
her  position,  and  the  serious  responsibility  of  making  ar- 
rangements which  shall  be  in  keeping  with  the  coming  great 
occasion  and  important  change  in  her  life,  often  wearies 
herself  out  with  extensive  preparations  for  her  trousseau 
and  her  wedding.  If  her  parents  are  rich,  or  in  comfortable 
circumstances,  she  spends  endless  days  in  shops  and  in  con- 
ference with  the  mantua-rnaker  and  milliner.  Not  very 
great  fatigues  these,  a  man  may  say ;  but  they  are,  when  car- 
ried to  excess,  a  very  great  drain  on  a  woman's  nervous 
energy.  If  the  bride's  parents  are  of  limited  means,  her 
ambition,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  will  be  likely  to  be  the  greater 
rather  than  the  less  for  that  circumstance.  She  will  toil 
incessantly  over  the  sewing-machine,  making  her  own  outfit, 
until  she  is  worn  and  haggard  when  the  wedding-day  ar- 
rives ;  whereas  it  ought  to  find  her  plump,  rosy,  serene,  and 
happy.  This  is  no  imaginary  picture ;  would  that  it  were  ! 

Then  the  expense  which  is  so  often  thought  necessary  in 
order  to  have  a  wedding  go  off  in  good  style  is  very  objec- 
tionable where  it  induces  people  to  spend  more  than  they 
can  afford,  as,  alas !  they  too  often  do.  A  gentleman  in 
New  York  recently  committed  suicide  a  few  weeks  after 
his  daughter's  marriage.  His  wife,  who  was  an  ambitious 
woman,  and  who  had  succeeded  in  w  marrying  her  daugh- 
ter well,"  made  such  demands  upon  her  husband's  purse  for 
the  wedding  expenses,  etc.,  that  he  was  led  to  forge  checks 
in  order  to  give  her  what  she  asked  for,  and  took  his  own 
life  rather  than  meet  the  disgrace  which  he  knew  must  soon 
come  upon  him. 

Let  a  wedding  by  all  means  be  celebrated  worthily,  and 
with  all  due  honor  of  ceremony  and  observance,  but  not  with 
too  much  parade  nor  with  excessive  expenditure.  One  bride 
at  a  fashionable  church  wedding  not  a  hundred  miles  from 
Boston  was  so  intent  on  the  success  of  her  wedding  proces- 


156  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

sion,  and  so  angry  with  the  street  urchins  who  thronged 
about  the  porch  for  interfering  with  it,  that  she  scolded 
them  roundly  then  and  there,  to  the  great  amusement  of 
the  lookers-on. 

But  what  would  you  ?  Where  a  procession  has  been  care- 
fully rehearsed,  it  is  hard  to  have  it  interfered  with ;  though 
some  of  us  are  old-fashioned  enough  to  think  that  such 
rehearsals  border  on  the  profane. 

It  goes  without  saying  that  the  bride  names  the  day  — 
after  the  bridegroom  has  asked  her  to  do  so.  June  is  the 
favorite  month  for  weddings,  because  in  our  climate  it  is  one 
of  the  most  beautiful  months  of  the  whole  year.  May  is 
considered  unlucky,  and  has  been  ever  since  the  time  of  the 
ancient  Romans.  Ovid  says,  "  That  time  too  was  not  au- 
spicious for  the  marriage  torches  of  the  widow  or  -of  the 
virgin.  She  who  married  then  did  not  long  remain  a  wife." 
Where  Easter  falls  late  in  the  spring,  it  is  usually  succeeded 
by  many  fashionable  marriages,  and  our  beautiful  autumn 
season  is  also  a  favorite  time  for  them.  At  Newport  there 
are  usually  several  brilliant  weddings  in  the  beginning  of 
September,  when  the  gay  season  is  near  its  end  but  still  in 
full  activity.  Thus  the  prudent  bride  enjoys  all  the  summer 
gayety  and  has  plenty  of  time  for  a  quiet  honeymoon  and 
rest  before  the  winter  festivities  begin.  With  these  advan- 
tages is  combined  that  of  a  pretty  summer  wedding,  and  one 
that  takes  place  with  more  eclat  than  weddings  in  large 
cities,  where  no  single  event  can  produce  any  very  great 
effect. 

Society  has  now  extended  its  round  of  amusements  so 
widely  that  no  time  of  the  year — save  possibly  Lent  —  is 
free  from  gayeties  of  one  sort  or  another.  Lenox  and  Tux- 
edo Park  fill  in  the  gap  between  watering-place  festivities 
and  those  of  the  winter  season.  The  gay  world  amuses  it- 
self, in  the  city  and  in  the  country  alternately,  with  a  vigor 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  157 

and  constancy  that  would  have  very  much  surprised  our 
quiet  ancestors.  Under  these  circumstances  it  would  be 
mere  cruelty  to  expect  a  fashionable  bride  to  waste  a  month 
in  a  honeymoon  of  tiresome  quiet  at  some  dull  spot.  The 
retirement  of  the  honeymoon  is  no  longer,  therefore,  de 
ngneur.  The  wedding  tour  is  also  going  out  of  fashion,  or  at 
least  is  no  longer  considered  an  indispensable  adjunct  to 
the  marriage  ceremony.  This  is  a  move  in  the  right  direc- 
tion, as  it  has  always  seemed  a  senseless  proceeding  for  a 
bride  tired  with  the  preparations  for  her  marriage,  and  worn 
out  with  the  excitement  attendant  on  the  great  event,  to 
start  immediately  on  a  long  and  fatiguing  journey. 

A  proper  formula  for  invitations  to  a  church  wedding  is 
given  below.     For  such  an  occasion  it  is  usual  to  send  out 


t^VU.    a<na  <^VLM.     flamed 

ttaaett  tne  nonet  c/  i/eat 

/  /  / 

<z/  Joe  matttaae  of  J/ictk 

f       /  f 

// 

<^w.a4u 


at  <*?(•    tsatff  £    w/rtttc/i, 


en 


158  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

cards  to  all  the  friends  of  the  families  of  both  bride  and  groom. 
These  invitations  are  issued  in  the  name  of  the  bride's  father 
and  mother,  the  bridegroom,  of  course,  furnishing  a  carefully 
prepared  list  of  those  persons  whom  he  wishes  to  have  in- 
vited. It  is  now  the  fashion  to  engrave  wedding  invitations 
in  plain  script  on  plain  heavy  white  note-paper.  No  device 
is  used,  unless  possibly  the  family  coat-of-arms,  or  crest,  em- 
bossed in  plain  white  on  the  paper.  The  envelope  is  entirely 
plain. 

The  cards  of  the  bride  and  groom  elect  may  also  be  enclosed. 
Where  people  invite  their  whole  circle  of  acquaintance  to  the 
wedding,  it  is  not  necessary  to  send  out  supplementary  cards 
afterward,  announcing  the  event.  The  formula  of  announce- 
ment has  been  very  much  changed  within  a  few  years. 
Formerly  one  often  received  a  card  simply  inscribed  with  the 


.     $a 


mattaae 


o    meet 


<^Vlt. 


en 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  159 

names,  "  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Alfred  Townsend."  To  friends  of  the 
bride  living  at  a  distance,  who  perhaps  had  never  heard  of 
the  bridegroom,  these  sphinx-like  announcements  remained 
unsolved  riddles  for  years,  unless  they  were,  by  good  fortune, 
accompanied  by  cards  bearing  the  bride's  maiden  name  and 
that  of  her  mother.  In  these  days  the  much  more  sensible 
and  convenient  custom  has  arisen  of  "  telling  the  whole 
story."  (See  page  158  for  formula.)  These  announcements, 
like  wedding  invitations,  are  engraved  on  note-paper. 

All  wedding  cards  are  paid  for  by  the  bride's  family,  as  are 
all  the  other  expenses  of  a  wedding,  with  the  following  ex- 
ceptions. The  bridegroom  pays  the  clergyman's  fee,  and  of 
course  provides  the  wedding  ring  and  the  bride's  bouquet ; 
he  also  makes  the  bride  a  present,  —  in  accordance  with  his 
means,  —  and  sometimes  gives  the  bridesmaids  some  article 
of  jewelry  not  of  an  expensive  nature,  or  a  bouquet.  To  the 
ushers  he  gives  scarf-pins,  or  some  similar  gift,  unless  the 
bride  should  make  these  presents,  which  she  sometimes  does, 
occasionally  providing  also  gifts  for  the  bridesmaids.  Wed- 
ding invitations  do  not  require  any  answer  unless  one  is  re- 
quested, —  as  in  the  case  of  a  sit-down  breakfast,  or  of  a 
small  home  wedding.  Friends  living  at  a  distance  acknowl- 
edge a  wedding  invitation  by  sending  their  visiting"  cards 
enclosed  in  an  envelope  addressed  to  the  bride's  father  and 
mother,  or  to  the  person  in  whose  name  the  invitations 
are  issued.  This  is  the  proper  course  to  pursue,  even  for 
those  to  whom  the  bride's  family  are  total  strangers,  their 
only  acquaintance  being  with  the  bridegroom  or  his  parents. 
Punctilious  people  consider  it  necessary  to  call  within  ten 
days  after  a  wedding ;  one  should  certainly  call  as  soon 
after  as  is  convenient. 

Where  there  is  to  be  a  reception  after  a  church  wedding, 
additional  cards  are  enclosed  in  the  same  envelope  with  the 
cards  for  the  church. 


160 


SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 


aftet 


cetemonu, 

e 


The  above  is  a  proper  formula  to  use.  These  are  often  sent 
only  to  the  relatives  and  intimate  friends  of  the  two  families, 
as  few  people  are  so  fortunate  as  to  have  houses  large  enough 
to  accommodate  their  whole  circle  of  acquaintance.  The 
bride's  family,  too,  may  not  wish  to  incur  the  trouble  and 
expense  of  entertaining  so  large  a  company. 

No  one  should  feel  hurt  at  not  being  invited  to  a  wedding 
reception  unless  it  be  a  general  one.  Where  cards  are  issued 
for  a  church  wedding,  however,  they  are  usually  sent  to  all 
the  acquaintance  of  the  bride  and  groom,  and  those  who  do 
not  receive  cards  have  a  right  to  feel  themselves  slighted. 
Still,  it  must  always  be  remembered  that  such  a  slight  may 
be  the  result  of  an  oversight  and  not  of  intention,  especially 
where  the  invitations  are  directed,  as  they  often  are,  by  a 
hired  amanuensis. 

Where  there  is  reason  to  believe  that  the  church  will  be 
overcrowded,  cards  of  admission  to  it  are  sometimes  issued. 
They  are  often  worded  thus  :  — 


4n, 


unutcrt, 


at  Jtvewf  c  c/ocn. 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  161 

It  seems  opposed  to  the  spirit  of  Christianity,  to  treat  a 
church  as  if  it  were  a  private  house  and  to  refuse  admission 
to  all  but  a  favored  few.  But  of  two  evils,  one  must  choose 
the  least ;  and  it  would  hardly  be  fair  that  the  general  public 
should  so  crowd  the  sacred  building  as  to  leave  little  and 
insufficient  room  for  the  real  wedding  guests. 

An  English  authority  says  "  the  bridesmaids  may  be  from 
two  to  twelve  in  number ;  "  but  in  this  country  they  rarely 
if  ever  exceed  six  or  eight.  They  should  be  chosen  from 
among  the  sisters  and  other  near  relatives  of  the  bride  and 
groom,  and  from  the  bride's  intimate  friends.  According  to 
the  present  fashion  they  are  often  dressed  in  picturesque, 
even  quaint  costumes,  sometimes  wearing  bonnets  or  hats, 
sometimes  with  short  veils,  etc.  They  should  always  wear 
very  light  colors,  or  white.  It  would  seem  superfluous  to  say 
that  a  bridesmaid  should  never  be  a  married  woman,  were  it 
not  a  fact  that  married  women  have  acted  in  this  capacity 
in  our  own  far  West,  and  perhaps  elsewhere  where  single 
women  are  "  scarcer  "  than  they  are  in  Massachusetts. 

Groomsmen  are  never  seen  at  modern  weddings.  Their 
place  is  usurped  by  "  the  best  man,"  who  "  supports  "  the 
bridegroom  much  after  the  fashion  of  a  second  in  a  peaceful 
duel.  He  is  usually  an  intimate  friend  or  near  relative  of  the 
groom.  His  duties  are  to  accompany  the  latter  to  church, 
to  stand  by  him  before  and  during  the  ceremony,  to  hold 
his  hat,  fee  the  clergyman,  and  to  assist  the  ushers  in  pre- 
senting guests  at  the  wedding  reception.  In  short,  his  part 
is  exactly  the  opposite  of  that  played  by  Captain  Cuttle  at  the 
celebrated  Bunsby  wedding ;  for  he,  to  all  outward  appear- 
ance, uses  his  best  efforts  to  keep  up  the  sinking  courage  of 
the  groom,  and  never  urges  the  latter  to  run  away,  so  far  as 
is  known. 

The  bridegroom  wears  morning  dress,  as  do  all  the  gentle- 
men at  a  wedding  in  the  daytime.  Fashion  now  decrees 

11 


162  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

that  a  dress-suit  must  be  worn  under  no  circumstances  before 
evening,  —  or  rather  before  late  dinner,  —  but  it  leaves  the 
bride  quite  free  to  wear  full  evening  dress  if  she  pleases, 
which  is  certainly  very  illogical.  The  groom  wears  a  frock- 
coat,  light  trousers,  and  gloves  if  he  prefers  to  do  so.  But 
he  must  not  wear  either  white  gloves  or  a  white  necktie, 
since  these  belong  with  evening  dress  only.  He  drives  to 
church  with  his  best  man,  and  waits  for  the  bride  at  the 
altar.  If  he  is  wise  in  his  generation,  however,  he  will  re- 
main in  the  vestry  until  the  bride's  arrival,  since  it  is  an 
awkward  and  trying  position  for  him,  —  that  of  long  waiting 
at  the  chancel  rail,  —  and  brides  are  sometimes  late. 

The  ushers  should  be  at  the  church  in  good  season,  to  see 
that  everything  is  in  order,  and  to  conduct  the  wedding 
guests  to  their  seats  as  fast  as  they  arrive.  They  are  chosen 
from  the  relatives  and  friends  of  the  bride  and  groom.  The 
chief  usher  places  a  ribbon  or  arch  of  flowers  across  the 
church  at  a  distance  from  the  altar  which  will  include  space 
enough  for  all  the  invited  guests.  The  relatives  of  the  groom 
are  placed  on  the  right  of  the  altar,  that  is,  next  the  bride- 
groom ;  and  the  bride's  relatives  sit  on  the  left  of  the  church, 
that  is,  on  the  bride's  left.  It  is  important  that  the  ushers,  or 
at  all  events  the  chief  usher,  should  be  acquainted  with  most 
of  the  relatives  and  guests,  so  that  they  may  all  be  seated  in 
their  right  places,  the  near  relatives  sitting  nearest  to  the 
altar.  It  is  perfectly  proper  for  an  usher  to  ask  whether  a 
lady  is  a  relative  of  the  bride  or  groom,  as  he  cannot  be  ex- 
pected to  know  every  one  of  the  relations  by  sight. 

The  mother  of  the  bride  comes  in  shortly  before  the  bridal 
cortege,  of  which  she  usually  does  not  form  a  part.  It  is 
better,  if  possible,  to  arrange  this  in  the  vestry  rather  than 
keep  the  bridesmaids  waiting  in  the  vestibule  for  the  bride, 
who  arrives  last,  accompanied  by  her  father.  When  all  is  in 
readiness  the  organ  peals  forth  a  wedding  march,  and  the 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  163 

ushers  advance  up  the  aisle  in  pairs,  followed  by  the  brides- 
maids, also  in  pairs.  Sometimes  additional  bridesmaids  in 
the  shape  of  little  children  picturesquely  dressed,  strewing 
flowers  perhaps,  follow  or  precede  the  others.  Little  boys 
dressed  as  pages  following  the  bride  and  holding  her  train 
are  one  of  the  modern  innovations.  Last  of  all  comes  the 
bride  leaning  on  her  father's  arm. 

"When  the  procession  reaches  the  altar  the  ushers  divide, 
half  of  them  turning  to  the  right  and  half  to  the  left ;  the 
bridesmaids  do  the  same.  The  bridegroom  then  advances, 
the  bride  being  close  to  the  altar,  and  taking  her  right  hand, 
leads  her  to  her  position  before  it.  Here  they  both  kneel,  — 
that  is,  if  the  wedding  takes  place  in  the  Episcopal  Church. 
In  churches  of  other  denominations  they  often  do  not  kneel. 
The  clergyman  then  proceeds  to  read  the  marriage  service. 
When  he  asks  the  question,  "  Who  giveth  this  woman  to  be 
married  to  this  man  1 "  the  father,  who  stands  a  little  behind 
the  bride,  usually  gives  his  consent  by  bowing,  instead  of  com- 
ing forward  and  placing  his  daughter's  hand  in  that  of  the 
clergyman,  as  was  formerly  the  custom.  Having  now  ful- 
filled his  part  of  the  ceremony,  the  father  takes  his  place 
beside  the  bride's  mother  in  the  front  pew. 

After  the  clergyman  has  pronounced  the  benediction  he 
may  congratulate  the  newly-married  pair ;  but  he  does  not 
kiss  the  bride,  as  it  was  formerly  the  custom  for  him  to  do. 
At  the  present  day  a  wedding  ring  is  used  in  almost  all  mar- 
riage services.  It  should  not  be  so  large  as  to  seem  vulgar  or 
exaggerated,  and  is  still  the  plain  gold  circlet,  which  seems  to 
befit  the  solemn  ceremony  better  than  the  richest  jewel.  The 
bride  usually  has  the  ring  finger  of  her  left-hand  glove  cut  so 
that  it  can  be  readily  removed,  much  to  the  relief  of  the  first 
bridesmaid,  who  was  expected  in  other  days  to  pull  off  the 
whole  glove,  and  whose  efforts  to  do  so  were  often  embarrass- 
ing to  all  parties. 


164  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Soft  music  may  be  discoursed  if  the  bride  desires  it  dur- 
ing the  marriage  ceremony ;  but  to  our  thinking  it  sounds 
too  much  like  what  Artemus  Ward  called  "dying  to  slow 
fiddling." 

The  organ  breaks  out  with  a  triumphal  peal,  and  the  bridal 
pair  go  down  the  aisle  arm  in  arm,  and  leave  the  church  as 
quickly  as  possible,  to  escape  the  curious  throng  always  so 
eager  to  catch  a  glimpse  of  them,  or  rather  of  "  her."  They 
are  driven  at  once  to  the  residence  of  the  bride's  parents. 
The  rest  of  the  bridal  procession  leave  the  church  in  the 
inverse  order  from  that  in  which  they  entered  it. 

It  will  be  seen  from  what  has  preceded  that  the  bride 
stands  on  the  bridegroom's  left.  She  takes  also  his  left  arm 
when  about  to  walk  down  the  aisle.  It  is  considered  very 
"  bad  form  "  for  a  bride  to  bow  or  smile  to  any  one  either 
while  entering  or  leaving  the  church  ;  but  she  is  not  obliged 
to  keep  her  eyes  upon  the  ground  if  she  prefers  to  "  look 
forward  "  instead. 

The  fashion  of  a  bride's  dress  is  so  well  known,  and  yet 
changes  so  often  in  its  details,  that  it  would  be  useless  to 
speak  of  it  save  in  general  terms.  The  extravagance  of  to- 
day robes  brides  in  the  most  costly  fabrics,  with  veils  01 
point  lace  and  diamond  ornaments,  instead  of  the  white  silk 
dress,  simply  trimmed,  and  the  tulle  veil,  that  were  formerly 
the  fashion.  White  is  so  appropriate  to  a  bride,  as  well  as 
so  becoming  to  almost  all  complexions,  that  it  seems  a  pity 
every  bride  should  not  wear  it,  even  if  her  dress  be  of  simple 
white  muslin.  A  tulle  veil  is  softer  and  more  becoming  than 
a  lace  one,  as  well  as  infinitely  cheaper.  The  lace  veil  i.s 
better  suited,  however,  to  certain  people,  especially  to  girls 
who  are  somewhat  stout,  or  who  have  rather  large  heads. 
The  extreme  fulness  of  the  tulle  veil,  and  its  dim  outlines, 
make  the  wearer  look  larger  than  she  really  is. 

Orange-blossoms  are  always  beautiful  and  appropriate  for  a 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  165 

bride,  but  they  are  often  difficult  to  procure  ;  hence  other 
natural  flowers  often  take  their  place  in  the  bridal  costume. 
Myrtle-leaves  are  emblematic  of  marriage,  and  are  sometimes 
worn  by  brides.  Garlands  of  artificial  flowers  frequently 
adorn  a  bridal  robe. 

In  the  days  of  good  Queen  Bess,  brides  wore  their  hair 
flowing  over  their  shoulders.  Ben  Jonson  says  :  — 

"See  how  she  paceth  forth  in  virgin  white, 
Like  what  she  was,  the  daughter  of  a  duke, 
And  sister,  darting  forth  a  dazzling  light, 
On  all  that  came  her  simplesse  to  rebuke  ! 

Her  tresses  trim  her  back, 

As  she  did  lack 

Nought  of  a  maiden  queen, 

With  modesty  so  crowned  and  adoration  seen." 

In  the  Roman  Catholic  Church  a  bride  is  not  allowed  to 
wear  a  decollete*  costume  if  the  wedding  takes  place  in 
church. 

After  the  ceremony  at  church  is  over,  the  best  man,  or  two 
of  the  ushers,  hurry  to  the  residence  of  the  bride's  parents, 
to  be  in  readiness  to  receive  the  bride  and  groom. 

At  the  wedding  reception  half  of  the  bridesmaids  stand 
near  the  bride  and  half  near  the  groom.  The  ushers  stay 
near  the  door  of  the  drawing-room  and  escort  the  guests,  as 
fast  as  they  arrive,  to  the  bridal  party,  presenting  them  by 
name,  first  to  the  bride  and  groom  and  then  to  the  parents. 
It  is  also  the  ushers'  duty  to  see  that  ladies  who  have  no 
gentlemen  with  them  are  provided  with  refreshments.  It  is 
now  fashionable  to  hold  morning  receptions  by  gas  or  candle 
light  instead  of  by  daylight. 

After  an  hour  and  a  half  or  more,  the  bride  retires  to  put 
on  her  travelling-dress ;  usually  only  the  intimate  friends 
remain  to  see  the  bridal  couple  drive  off  and  to  wish  them 
Godspeed.  Rice  and  old  shoes  are  thrown  after  the  retreat- 


166  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

ing  carriage ;  but  these  missiles  should  not  be  aimed  with  too 
great  accuracy,  as  accidents  have  sometimes  occurred  from 
breaking  the  windows  or  frightening  the  horses. 

A  bride  does  not  usually  dance  at  her  own  wedding,  but 
she  may  join  in  a  square  dance  if  she  wishes. 

It  is  not  usual  now  to  show  the  wedding  presents  on  the 
day  of  the  marriage,  as  this  custom  was  found,  a  few  years 
since,  to  lead  to  a  parade  and  display  which  were  of  very 
questionable  taste.  Sometimes  the  presents  are  privately 
shown  to  the  intimate  friends  a  few  days  beforehand.  Wed- 
ding gifts  themselves  have  changed  in  character,  and  the 
bride  is  no  longer  overwhelmed  with  articles  of  silver  some 
of  which  are  useful  and  others  decidedly  superfluous.  There 
are  now  so  many  beautiful  things  in  glass,  china,  bronze,  etc. ; 
so  many  objets  d'art  and  delightful  bric-a-brac  for  the  buyer 
to  choose  from,  that  the  wedding  guest  need  be  at  no  loss  to 
select  some  suitable  and  charming  gift,  even  if  his  means 
should  be  quite  limited.  Pictures,  fine  engravings,  rare  or 
handsomely  illustrated  books,  mantel  clocks  and  ornaments, 
lamps  of  artistic  design,  jewelry  of  course,  handsome  articles 
of  furniture,  such  as  chairs  or  writing-desks,  —  all  these  and 
many  more  are  suitable  for  wedding  gifts.  Intimate  friends 
and  relatives  often  give  money  or  silverware,  or,  if  they  like, 
some  articles  for  the  trousseau.  If  gifts  are  marked  at  all,  it 
should  always  be  with  the  bride's  maiden  name  or  initials. 

Wedding-cake  is  not  sent  out  as  it  used  to  be.  It  is  piled 
up  in  boxes  on  a  table  at  the  reception,  and  each  guest  takes, 
let  us  hope,  not  more  than  one  box. 

Some  brides  prefer  to  be  married  in  a  travelling-dress  and 
bonnet  (usually  of  dark  handsome  silk  or  velvet  material), 
and  to  leave  at  once  without  any  reception.  For  a  wedding 
of  this  sort  cards  may  be  issued  to  all  the  friends  for  the 
ceremony  at  the  church,  or  the  marriage  may  be  celebrated 
very  quietly,  with  only  a  few  witnesses. 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  167 

A  wedding  at  home  is  usually  more  informal  than  a  church 
wedding.  The  clergyman  enters  and  faces  the  company, 
then  the  bridal  pair  enter  together  and  stand  facing  him. 
An  altar  of  flowers  is  sometimes  arranged,  behind  which  the 
clergyman  stands,  with  a  cushion  or  stool  in  front  for  the 
bridal  couple  to  kneel  on.  After  the  ceremony  is  over  they 
turn  round  in  their  places  and  receive  the  congratulations  of 
their  friends,  but  only  those  who  are  very  near  and  dear 
are  permitted  to  kiss  the  bride.  The  old-fashioned  custom 
which  allowed  every  one  to  do  so,  is  now  abandoned,  as  it 
deserved  to  be. 

There  are  usually  neither  bridesmaids  nor  groomsmen  at  a 
home  wedding.  Sometimes  all  the  guests  are  invited  to  the 
ceremony  and  sometimes  relatives  only  are  bidden  to  it,  other 
friends  being  invited  to  attend  the  reception,  which  takes 
place  half  an  hour  later.  A  disadvantage  of  the  latter  plan 
is  that  in  case  the  marriage  is  delayed  through  any  circum- 
stance, the  reception  guests  will  begin  to  arrive  before  the 
ceremony  is  over. 

A  widow  should  never  wear  at  her  second  marriage  either 
bridal  veil,  orange-blossoms,  or  white  attire.  She  usually 
wears  either  a  light-colored  silk  or  a  travelling-dress  and 
bonnet.  Unless  she  should  be  very  young,  it  would  seem 
in  better  taste  that  her  wedding  should  be  rather  a  quiet 
one. 

A  bride  may  drop  her  middle  name  and  retain  her  family 
name  if  she  prefers  to  do  so.  Fashion  now  favors  this  course, 
and  a  widow  marrying  again  often  retains  the  name  of  the 
first  husband  as  a  middle  name  where  there  are  children  of 
the  first  marriage  living,  as  serving  to  show  her  relationship 
to  them. 

Where  cards  are  sent  out  after  a  wedding  they  should  give 
the  residence  of  the  newly-married  couple,  so  that  their  friends 
may  know  where  to  call  upon  them. 


168  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Very  often  they  hold  one  or  two  receptions  soon  after  the 
marriage,  or  the  bride  issues  cards  for  one  or  more  of  the 
afternoon  occasions  now  so  much  in  vogue.  The  refresh- 
ments for  these  may  be  very  simple  and  inexpensive,  — tea  and 
coffee  or  chocolate,  cake,  and  sandwiches,  being  amply  suffi- 
cient. Bouillon  or  punch  makes  a  good  addition  in  cold 
weather. 

It  is  especially  important,  where  a  bride  goes  to  live  in  a 
new  city,  that  she  should,  where  it  is  possible  and  her  hus- 
band's means  allow,  thus  introduce  herself  to  his  friends. 
JTewly-married  people  are  not,  however,  expected  to  enter- 
tain extensively.  On  the  contrary,  entertainments  are  made 
for  them,  and  every  one  who  has  been  asked  to  the  wedding 
should  if  possible  invite  the  bridal  pair  in  the  course  of  the 
ensuing  season.  As  has  been  said  elsewhere,  brides  should 
be  careful  to  return  promptly  the  calls  made  upon  them,  es- 
pecially if  they  go  to  reside  in  another  city ;  otherwise  they 
often  give  deep  offence  to  people  who  have  perhaps  made  a 
special  effort  to  call  upon  them,  from  motives  of  kindness 
and  hospitality,  because  they  were  strangers  in  the  land. 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

MARRIAGE    ENGAGEMENTS    AND    ENGLISH    WEDDING 
BREAKFASTS. 

MARRIAGE  engagements,  as  all  the  world  knows,  are  made 
in  this  country  by  the  young  people  themselves,  and  very 
seldom  by  their  parents.  Managing  mammas  or  match- 
making friends  may  contrive  ways  and  means  to  bring  a 
young  couple  together;  but  these  outside  influences  are  ex- 
erted indirectly,  and  the  main  actors  in  the  drama  are  almost 
without  exception  the  two  parties  directly  interested. 

A  certain  inconvenience  sometimes  results  from  this  "  Amer- 
ican plan ; "  as,  for  instance,  where  two  families  who  differ 
much  from  each  other  in  their  tastes,  views,  and  habits 
suddenly  find  themselves  on  the  verge  of  an  unlooked-for 
and  undesired  connection  through  the  threatened  union  of 
two  of  their  members.  "We  do  not  in  these  days  "  have  it 
out  "like  the  Capulets  and  Montagues  ;  but  we  sometimes 
feel  very  much  as  they  did,  and  look  daggers  if  we  don't 
draw  them. 

Under  these  circumstances,  much  depends  upon  our  Ro- 
ineos  and  Juliets ;  and  if  they  are  wise  they  will  endeavor  to 
smooth  out  matters  (without  resorting  to  the  apothecary), 
and  to  soften  the  hearts  of  the  obdurate  parents.  Juliet 
should  remember  that  Borneo's  parents  may  have  had  other 
and  more  ambitious  views  for  their  only  son.  Instead  of 
feeling  anger  at  their  disappointment,  she  should  try  to  change 


170  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

it  to  a  pleasant  one  by  making  herself  as  agreeable  to  them 
as  she  can.  Unless  they  are  very  obdurate  or  worldly  people 
she  will  be  apt  to  succeed,  because  she  has  a  powerful  ally 
under  their  own  roof  in  the  person  of  their  son. 

The  elder  Montagues  and  Capulets  also  should  endeavor 
to  modify  their  transports  of  wrath,  unless  in  cases  where 
they  feel  very  sure  that  the  proposed  marriage  would  not  be  a 
happy  one,  or  where  there  is  some  very  serious  objection  to 
Eomeo  or  Juliet.  A  little  time  ought  to  be  given  them  to 
recover  from  their  surprise,  to  make  inquiries  perhaps,  and 
to  determine  what  course  they  will  pursue.  But  let  it  not  be 
a  half-way  course.  The  fiancee  of  a  son  ought  to  be  cordially 
received  by  her  future  father-in-law  and  mother-in-law,  and 
a  young  girl's  intended  should  be  treated  with  kindness  and 
courtesy  by  her  relatives.  Otherwise  ill  feeling  is  engendered 
which  often  will  not  be  wiped  out  for  two  or  three  generations. 
To  be  treated  with  coldness  or  half-concealed  contempt,  espe- 
cially under  such  circumstances,  is  a  blow  to  their  pride  which 
most  people  do  not  readily  forgive.  A  parent  may  be  par- 
doned if  he  hesitates  to  give  his  consent  to  the  marriage  of  a 
favorite  child  with  a  person  about  whom  he  knows  little  or 
feels  uncertain.  But  his  consent  once  given  should  be  given 
freely  and  cordially. 

A  new  and  pleasant  custom  has  arisen  by  which  a  young 
lady  writes  to  all  her  intimate  friends  and  tells  them  that 
her  engagement  will  be  announced  on  such  and  such  a  day, 
—  of  course  a  very  near  one.  On  that  day  accordingly  her 
friends  all  call  upon  her  and  she  holds  a  pleasant  and 
informal  reception. 

Many  of  her  friends  send  her  flowers;  and  all  who  have 
heard  from  her  should  call,  or  send  her  a  congratulatory  note. 
If  she  is  popular  in  society  she  will  be  invited  to  dinners, 
evening  parties,  etc.,  given  in  honor  of  her  fiance  and  herself. 

A  solitaire  diamond  is  still  the  most  fashionable  engagement 


MARRIAGE  ENGAGEMENTS.  171 

ring,  though  no  young  lady  should  expect  or  even  wish  to  re- 
ceive such  an  one  where  she  knows  that  her  lover's  means  are 
too  limited  to  justify  his  making  such  an  expensive  present. 

Very  strict  people  say  that  a  young  man  should  make  an 
offer  of  marriage  to  a  young  lady  nowhere  but  under  her 
father's  roof.  To  most  of  us  this  seems  overstrained ;  but  he 
should  certainly  never  make  such  an  offer  when  the  young 
lady  is  a  guest  in  his  own  house. 

Many  fathers  and  mothers  allow  young  people  who  are 
engaged  to  do  pretty  much  as  they  please ;  but  the  world  is  so 
censorious,  that  a  young  girl  will  do  well  to  observe  the  strict 
rules  of  etiquette  on  the  subject.  The  parents  of  her  fiance 
may  be  very  punctilious  people,  and  she  ought  not  to  do 
anything  to  give  them  cause  of  offence. 

According  to  the  rules  of  etiquette  a  young  lady  cannot 
travel  alone  with  the  young  man  to  whom  she  is  engaged, 
nor  stay  at  the  same  hotel  with  him,  nor  go  to  theatres,  con- 
certs, and  parties  alone  with  him.  Fifty  years  ago  brides 
did  not  leave  the  house  —  except  after  dark  —  after  the  invi- 
tations to  the  marriage  were  sent  out.  But  public  opinion  no 
longer  demands  this  unhealthy  and  absurd  seclusion.  Many 
young  ladies,  however,  do  not  accept  any  invitations  after 
their  wedding  cards  have  been  issued. 

A  young  lady  at  the  sea-shore  greatly  shocked  public  opin- 
ion by  going  down  to  the  surf  beach  and  bathing  on  the 
morning  of  her  wedding  day. 

The  arrival  of  the  wedding  presents  is  always  a  signal  for 
great  interest  and  excitement  in  the  household ;  but,  strange 
to  say,  brides  often  forget  or  neglect  to  write  and  thank  the 
donors.  This  is  a  very  grave  oversight,  and  makes  the  young 
lady  appear  very  ungrateful.  She  should  always  write  and 
thank  each  person  who  has  sent  her  a  present,  either  before 
the  wedding  or  as  soon  after  as  possible. 


172  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Wedding  breakfasts  after  the  English  fashion  are  some- 
times given  in  this  country,  but  are  not  very  common. 
They  may  be  either  "  sit-down"  or  "stand-up"  affairs.  The 
latter  are  less  formal,  and  do  not  so  severely  limit  the  number 
of  guests  as  the  former  necessarily  must.  At  a  stand-up 
breakfast  small  tables  are  arranged  on  one  side  of  the  room 
for  the  bridal  party,  while  a  long  table  occupies  the  centre. 
The  gentlemen  help  the  ladies  and  themselves,  and  the  menu 
is  much  the  same  as  at  a  sit-down  breakfast,  save  that  hot 
entrees  are  not  provided/ 

Those  who  are  invited  to  a  wedding  breakfast  answer 
promptly,  just  as  they  would  in  the  case  of  a  dinner  invitation. 
Ladies  do  not  remove  their  bonnets.  When  breakfast  is 
announced,  the  bride  and  bridegroom  lead  the  way  to  the 
dining-room  or  other  apartment  where  the  collation  is  served. 
They  are  followed  by  the  bride's  father  with  the  bride- 
groom's mother,  the  bridegroom's  father  with  the  bride's 
mother,  the  best  man  with  the  first  bridesmaid,  and  tho 
other  bridesmaids  with  the  gentlemen  who  are  appointed  to 
take  them  down. 

At  a  "sit-down"  breakfast  the  host  or  hostess  informs  each 
gentleman  which  lady  he  is  to  take  down,  and  presents  him 
to  her,  where  they  are  not  already  acquainted.  The  bride 
and  bridegroom  sit  at  the  head  of  the  table  or  at  the  centre 
of  one  of  the  sides.  Next  to  the  bride  sits  her  father  with 
the  bridegroom's  mother,  and  next  to  the  bridegroom  comes 
the  bride's  mother  with  the  bridegroom's  father.  The  brides- 
maids with  the  gentlemen  who  have  taken  them  down 
divide  themselves  into  two  groups,  one  group  sitting  on 
each  side  of  the  table  next  the  parents.  This  is  the  rule 
where  the  bridal  couple  occupy  the  head  of  the  table ;  when 
they  are  seated  at  the  side,  the  bridesmaids  sit  opposite 
to  them,  each  sitting  at  the  right  hand  of  her  attendant 
cavalier. 


ENGLISH  WEDDING  BREAKFASTS.  173 

The  menu  usually  comprises  soup,  hot  and  cold  entrees 
chickens,  game,  salads,  pdte  de  foie  gras,  jellies,  creams,  etc. 
Tea  and  coffee  are  not  served,  champagne  and  other  wines 
taking  their  places.  The  sweets  and  fruit  are  placed  on  the 
table.  The  servants  hand  all  the  dishes  in  due  course,  and 
all  the  wines.  Finger-glasses  and  doilies  are  not  used  at 
an  English  wedding  breakfast,  but  dinner  napkins  always 
are. 

After  the  more  substantial  courses  have  been  partaken  of, 
the  bride  cuts  the  cake ;  though  she  is  not  expected  to  do 
more  than  make  the  first  incision,  and  the  real  cutting  up  is 
done  by  a  servant  at  the  side  table.  The  cake  is  then 
handed  to  all  the  guests,  and  every  one  eats  at  least  a  frag- 
ment. English  wedding-cake  is  covered  with  a  very  de- 
licious frosting  strongly  flavored  with  almonds  and  of  a 
rather  soft  consistency. 

The  health  of  the  bride  and  bridegroom  is  proposed  by 
the  oldest  friend  of  the  family. 

The  bridegroom  responds  in  behalf  of  his  wife  and  himself, 
and  proposes  the  health  of  the  bridesmaids.  The  best  man 
returns  thanks  for  the  bridesmaids. 

The  health  of  the  bride's  father  and  mother  is  usually 
proposed  by  the  bridegroom's  father.  The  bride's  father 
returns  thanks  and  proposes  the  health  of  the  bridegroom's 
parents.  The  bridegroom's  father  acknowledges  the  compli- 
ment. The  speeches  are  usually  made  as  short  as  possible ; 
but  even  with  this  precaution  they  are  apt  to  be  tedious  and 
stiff,  and  the  fashion  of  making  them  is  not  likely  to  take 
root  in  America.  The  bride  leaves  the  dining-room  to  put 
on  her  travelling-dress  as  soon  as  the  healths  have  been 
drunk.  Gentlemen  accompany  the  ladies  to  the  drawing- 
room,  and  do  not  stay  behind  to  take  wine. 

At  an  English  wedding  the  bridegroom  always  provides 
the  carriage  in  which  he  and  the  bride  drive  from  church 


174  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

and  again  drive  away  after  the  wedding  breakfast.  White 
favors  and  bouquets  deck  the  horses,  coachman,  and  footman. 
There  are  neither  ushers  nor  groomsmen  at  an  English  wed- 
ding. The  sexton  of  the  church  and  the  pew-opener  officiate 
instead. 


CHAPTEE   XIX. 

THE   CHAPERONE. 

"  YOUNG  people  think  that  old  people  are  fools,  but  old 
people  know  that  young  people  are  fools,"  says  the  rather 
sour  old  adage. 

When  we  are  in  the  heyday  of  youth,  full  of  spirits  and 
gayety,  and  believing  implicitly  in  the  virtue  and  good  in- 
tentions of  every  one  around  us,  the  institution  of  chaperon- 
age  seems  to  us  a  very  odious  and  unnecessary  restraint  on  our 
liberty.  Alas,  how  different  does  the  whole  subject  look  when 
viewed  through  the  spectacles  of  a  more  mature  age !  The 
belief  in  universal  virtue  has  long  since  vanished,  with  other 
early  illusions.  Not  only  do  we  feel  that  mankind  in  general 
will  bear  watching,  but  most  of  us  have  grown  a  shade  more 
worldly  as  well  as  a  shade  less  hopeful  with  advancing  years. 
[We  believe  that  chaperones  are  very  necessary  to  guard  young 
girls  from  bad  and  designing  people,  and  from  penniless  young 
men  and  rash  romantic  marriages  as  well.  Hence  arises,  as 
usual,  a  hopeless  discrepancy  between  the  viexjs  of  youth  and 
those  of  age. 

Many  American  mothers,  it  is  true,  do  not  believe  in  a 
very  strict  chaperonage ;  at  least,  no  such  belief  can  be  in- 
ferred from  their  actions.  They  allow  their  daughters  to  do 
very  much  as  they  please,  to  go  about  where  and  as  they 
like,  and  in  short  "  to  hold  the  whip  hand  "  generally.  Some- 
times this  is  the  result  of  indolence  or  good-nature  on  the 


176  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

mother's  part,  and  sometimes  it  comes  from  a  conscientious 
belief  that  it  is  best  for  young  people  to  have  their  own 
sweet  will.  * 

And  so  it  was,  perhaps,  in  the  days  when  we  were  a  young 
and  simple  people,  living  principally  in  small  communities 
where  every  one  knew  every  one  else.  What  may  be  quite 
permissible  in  a  village  is  out  of  place  in  a  large  city ;  the 
Joneses  and  the  Browns,  who  have  lived  next  door  to  one 
another  all  their  lives,  and  who  know  each  other  inti- 
mately, may  safely  allow  their  young  people  more  freedom  of 
intercourse  than  the  mother  of  a  city  belle  could  grant  to  her 
daughter,  surrounded  by  a  host  of  admirers  about  whom  she 
knows  little  or  nothing  beyond  the  fact  that  they  appear  like 
gentlemen/ 

I  The  old  American  way  of  putting  young  people  on  their 
honor,  and  taking  it  for  granted  that  they  would  do  every- 
thing that  was  right,  certainly  implied  a  much  nobler  view 
of  human  nature  than  the  French  system,  for  instance,  which 
must  have  a  very  curious  effect  on  the  minds  of  the  young. 
What  a  terribly  wicked  place  the  world  must  seem  to  a 
young  French  girl,  since  her  relatives  consider  it  necessary  to 
shut  her  up  from  its  evil  influences  behind  the  bars  of  a  con- 
vent !  How  she  must  weary  at  times  of  the  dull,  monotonous 
life  prescribed  for  her  by  the  good  nuns,  and  long  for  the 
arrangement  of  the  marriage  which  will  set  her  free  from 
durance  vile,  and  give  her  a  chance  to  become  part  and  parcel 
of  that  dreadful  world,  —  to  make  up  by  plenty  of  gayety  for 
the  long,  tiresome  years  of  dreary  routine  !  Her  freedom 
begins  where  that  of  the  American  girl  ends.  : 

George  Sand  was  brought  up  in  a  convent,  and  longed  at 
one  time  to  become  a  religieuse.  If  she  had  been  reared 
in  a  more  healthy  and  natural  manner,  and  allowed  to  choose 
her  own  helpmeet,  might  not  these  early  and  noble  aspira- 
tions have  borne  their  proper  fruit  in  life  and  character  1 


THE  CHAPERONE.  177 

Might  not  the  stormy  and  disastrous  career  of  this  woman  of 
genius  have  been  mercifully  averted  ? 

It  would  be  very  unjust  to  charge  Frenchwomen  in  gen- 
eral with  possessing  either  the  faults  or  the  talents  of  their 
famous  sister ;  but  does  she  not  furnish  an  extreme  instance 
of  the  folly  and  wickedness  of  the  French  system,  — a  system 
which  culminates  in  "  le  mariage  de  convenance  "  1  Of  the 
two  extremes,  surely  the  American  system,  which  grants 
young  people  liberty  to  do  just  as  they  please  in  almost 
every  instance,  is  the  better  one,  at  any  rate  for  our  people. 

But  we  are  not  obliged  to  choose  extremes,  and  the  English 
method  offers  a  safe  middle  course,  which  our  people  are 
gradually  adopting.  Americans  now  spend  so  much  of  their 
time  in  Europe,  and  foreigners  do  us  the  honor  of  coming  to 
the  United  States  in  such  large  numbers,  that  our  views  on 
social  subjects  cannot  but  be  influenced  in  some  degree  by 
theirs. 

The  chaperone  may  be  said,  therefore,  to  be  slowly  but 
surely  extending  her  sway  in  this  country,  and  it  is  to  be 
hoped  that  she  will  make  a  good  and  unselfish  use  of  her 
power,  j  From  a  chaperone  who  is  one  in  name  only,  —  some 
young  married  woman  who  utterly  neglects  her  charge  and 
devotes  herself  to  her  own  amusement  solely,  —  from  such 
may  Heaven  deliver  us  !  A  stationary  chaperone  is  highly 
desirable  for  a  young  lady ;  not  one  devoid  of  the  power  of 
motion,  that  is  to  say,  but  one  who  at  balls  and  dances  re- 
mains always  in  the  same  place,  or  informs  her  charge  when 
she  is  about  to  change  it,  so  that  the  latter  may  be  able  to 
return  to  her  without  difficulty  after  every  dance. 

But  a  model  chaperone  needs  many  qualifications  besides? 
the  one  just  mentioned.     Indeed,  the  woman  who  can  faith- 
fully and  efficiently  perform  all  the  duties  involved  in  matron- 
izing  young  ladies,  must  be  very  nearly  an  angel.     Night 
after  night  she  is  obliged  to  sit  up  till  the  small  hours,  watch- 

12 


178  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

ing  the  same  everlasting  round  of  the  german,  eating  the  same 
indigestible  supper,  and  talking  the  same  wearisome  small- 
talk  to  other  tired  dowagers  or  elderly  beaux,  all  longing  to 
be  at  home  in  their  own  comfortable  beds. 
"*  She  must  not  show  fatigue  nor  look  cross,  no  matter  what 
her  feelings  may  be.  It  is  a  part  of  her  duty  to  be  entertain- 
ing and  agreeable,  and  thus  form  an  attractive  background, 
as  it  were,  to  her  young  charge.  A  brilliant  woman  who  is 
also  an  amiable  and  unselfish  one  has  great  opportunities  for 
helping  her  young  people  to  "have  a- good  time."  Young 
men  like  to  talk  to  her)  and  she  takes  care  to  introduce  them 
to  her  daughters  when  they  come  up.  If  she  has  good  spirits, 
they  are  contagious  to  all  around  her,  and  her  cleverness  and 
ready  answers  inspire  and  amuse  $ie  young  people  and  put 
them  at  their  ease. 

She  must  not,  however,  endeavor  to  shine  too  brightly, 
lest  she  put  out  the  lesser  lights  which  it  is  her  duty  to  tend 
and  brighten.  Neither  must  she  say  sharp  things  nor  en- 
courage her  daughters  to  do  so.  Young  men  are  very  much 
afraid  of  clever  girls  who  say  sharp  things;  the  mother's 
knowledge  of  the  world  has  taught  her  this,  and  she  should 
teach  it  to  her  children.  If  her  daughters  are  neglected  and 
are  not  asked  to  dance,  she  must  bear  it  like  a  Spartan  ;  nor 
must  she  ever  say  disagreeable  things  about  other  girls  who 
are  receiving  more  attention.  She  must  endeavor  to  find 
out  what  are  the  habits  and  character  of  the  young  men  with 
whom  her  daughters  become  acquainted,  and  she  must  as 
far  as  possible  nip  any  undesirable  friendships  in  the  bud. 
At  the  same  time  she  must  not  be  harsh,  severe,  nor  unjust, 
lest  she  lose  the  confidence  and  affection  of  those  under  her 
charge. 

Even  a  model  chaperone  need  not  endure  martyrdom  until 
every  ball  breaks  up.  It  is  "  better  form  "  —  as  well  as  in- 
finitely better  for  the  health  of  all  concerned  —  to  leave  in 


THE  CHAPEKONE.  179 

good  season,  and  not  to  have  the  reputation  of  being  always 
among  the  very  last  to  go  away.  A  chaperone  accompa^"/ 
nies  those  who  are  under  her  charge  not  only  to  balls 
and  parties,  but  to  the  theatre,  the  opera,  to  dinner-parties 
and  all  evening  occasions,  and  to  all  ruatin6es,  receptions,  and 
other  entertainments  given  in  the  daytime,  unless  they 
are  of  a  very  informal  character.  To  the  races,  coaching- 
parties,  yachting-parties,  tennis-tournaments,  etc.,  must  the 
long-sutfering  matron  go  if  her  daughter  does ;  and  she  must 
also  go  with  the  latter  to  pay  visits.  Even  at  home  her 
watch  and  ward  must  still  be  kept  up,  for  according  to  strict 
etiquette  the  chaperone  must  make  a  disagreeable  third  party 
whenever  the  young  ladies  under  her  charge  receive  calls  ! 
from  gentlemen. 

Against  this  last  restraint,  however,  American  girls  rebel 
vigorously,  and  with  some  justice.  Mamma  does  well  to  sit 
in  the  other  parlor  with  her  book  or  work  and  give  the 
young  people  a  little  freedom.  Whether  she  remains  in  the 
parlor  or  not,  however,  she  must  never  go  to  bed  until  all 
callers  have  left  the  house. 

These  very  strict  rules  are  modified  somewhat  after  a  young  j 
lady  has  been  in  society  for  a  year  or  two,  and  as  her  youth 
and  inexperience  pass  away,  the  added  years  give  her  an 
additional  right  to  take  care  of  herself.  Still,  even  for  a  girl 
who  is  no  longer  very  young,  it  is  not  desirable  to  go  much 
into  society  alone,  especially  if  she  is  handsome  and  attrac- 
tive. Let  her  join  forces  with  some  young  woman  of  her 
own  age  if  she  has  no  chaperone  to  accompany  her.  An 
elder  sister  sometimes  matronizes  one  who  is  a  good  deal 
younger,  where  the  mother  is  either  dead  or  unable  to  go 
into  society. 

Where  a  family  of  daughters  are  left  without  either  father 
or  mother,  it  is  very  desirable,  indeed  almost  necessary,  that 
they  should  have  an  elderly  cousin  or  some  other  woman  of 


180  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

mature  years  come  to  live  with  them,  that  she  may  give  a 
certain  dignity  to  the  household,  and  help  them  receive  and 
entertain  their  guests,  even  if  she  cannot  accompany  them 
into  society. 

Young  ladies  who  are  engaged  to  be  married  need  chaper- 
ones  quite  as  much  as  do  other  girls ;  this  subject  has  been 
already  treated  in  the  chapter  on  engagements. 

For  travelling,  —  especially  for  travelling  in  Europe,  —  a 
chaperone  is  highly  desirable  and  indeed  necessary,  as  the 
international  novel  has  made  Americans  understand  very 
clearly.  In  cities  where  it  is  considered  highly  improper  for 
young  ladies  to  walk  abroad,  or  indeed  to  go  anywhere, 
alone,  what  comfort  can  there  be  for  a  girl  who  has  no  ac- 
companying matron  to  guard  her  from  impertinence  and 
from  insult1?  If  she  is  at  all  sensitive  she  will  stay 
...  the  house  pining  for  want  of  fresh  air,  and  losing  the 
opportunity  to  see  half  the  sights  she  longs  to  see,  rather 
rthan  be  stared  at  or  spoken  to  in  a  disrespectful  manner. 

In  America  it  is  quite  permissible  for  a  young  lady  to  ride 
or  drive  with  a  young  man  in  the  day-time,  provided  a  groom 
or  footman  accompanies  them.  In  other  words,  the  groom  is 
the  substitute  on  the  road  for  the  weary  and  long-suffering 
matron.  In  driving,  this  is  not  so  much  of  a  boon,  as  no 
matter  how  fast  you  drive  you  cannot  shake  him  off ;  but  in 
the  saddle,  a  brisk  trot  or  a  sharp  canter  will  leave  James 
at  a  judicious  distance  in  the  rear,  especially  if  he  has  been 
provided  with  a  good,  slow  nag. 

It  is  not  according  to  etiquette  that  a  young  lady  should 
go  to  a  party  or  return  from  one  under  the  sole  escort  of  a 
young  man,  especially  if  she  goes  in  a  carriage.  Where  she 
has  no  mother  or  other  "  resident  matron "  who  can  accom- 
pany her  to  and  from  the  evening's  entertainment,  she  should 
endeavor  to  make  an  arrangement  with  one  or  two  other 
young  girls,  so  that  they  may  hire  the  same  carriage  and  go 


THE  CHAPERONE.  181 

together.    This  is  —  or  was  —  considered  allowable  in  Boston, 
where  there  are  a  number  of  old  and  well-known  livery-stable 
keepers  who  employ  hack-drivers  of  the  highest  respectability. 
But  it  is  not  allowable  —  indeed,  it  would  hardly  be  safe  — 
to  follow  this  custom  in  New  York.     A  young  girl  in  New  f 
York  should  never  drive  alone  in  a  hack ;  if  she  arrives  at  ' 
the  depot  alone  and  is  unfortunate  enough  to  have  no  one  to 
meet  her  (a  most  undesirable  thing),  she  must  take  the  cars 
and  express  her  trunk,  as  it  would  be  very  unsafe  for  her  toj 
take  a  hack  at  the  station. 

r~"It  seems  hardly  necessary  to  say  that  a  young  lady  must 
taever  go  to  a  restaurant  with  a  young  man  unless  a  chaper- 
one  accompanies  them  ;  neither  must  she  go  on  "  excursions  " 
of  any  sort.  Especially  should  she  avoid  the  fascinations 
and  uncertainties  of  a  sail-boat.  If  the  boat  be  becalmed, 
it  may  be  hours  before  a  lauding  can  be  effected  ;  indeed, 
a  sailing-party  is  sometimes  obliged  to  stay  out  all  night. 
Hence  much  unfavorable  comment  arises;  and  perhaps  a 
single  careless  act  of  this  sort  may  be  remembered  spitefully 
against  a  girl  for  many  years.  Especially  will  this  be  the 
case  if  she  is  pretty  and  attractive,  and  if  she  has  frank  and 
cordial  manners.  The  plain  woman  and  the  woman  of  cold 
heart  and  severe  demeanor  run  little  risk  of  censure  ;  but  the 
beautiful  and  charming  girl  is  too  often  surrounded  by  a  host 
of  detractors, — envious  people  who  are  delighted  to  catch  1 
up  and  magnify  her  every  thoughtless  word  or  act. 
/•'""The  woman  who  possesses  beauty,  possesses  what  most  of 
her  sex  desire  above  all  else ;  but  often  she  pays  dearly  for 
this  much-coveted  gift  of  Nature.  Slander  and  envy  place 
a  thousand  thorns  in  her  path  ;  her  own  sex  can  seldom 
forgive  "the  most  beautiful."  Wise  Minerva  and  queenly 
Juno  could  not  forgive  Venus  ;  and  after  three  thousand 
years  the  fair  sex  have  still  a  root  of  envy  lurking  in  their 
hearts.  1 


182  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

(  Let  us  all  remember,  therefore,  to  guard  against  this  fatal 
weakness  from  which  even  goddesses  were  not  exempt,  and 
to  believe  only  a  small  fraction  of  the  slander  hovering  in 
the  air,  especially  the  slander  directed  against  beautiful  and 
[attractive  women. 

I  A  woman  of  business,  an  artist  or  a  physician,  is  not 
usually  thought  to  need  a  chaperone  in  our  country.  But  if 
she  is  at  all  young  or  pretty,  it  is  very  advisable  for  her  to 
take  at  least  a  companion  of  her  own  age  with  her,  especially  if 
she  is  obliged  to  call  upon  shop-keepers,  men  of  business,  etc. 
It  would  certainly  seem  as  if  her  vocation  should  afford  per- 
fect protection  to  such  a  woman ;  but  practically  it  does  not 
always  do  so.  There  are  some  people  of  mean  and  base 
spirit  who  will  treat  with  profound  respect  the  young  lady 
of  wealth,  since  her  patronage  will  increase  their  store  of 
dollars  and  cents,  but  whose  civility  is  scanty  toward  the 

woman  who  has  her  own  way  to  make  in  the  world. J 

To  do  the  tradesman  justice,  it  is  not  the  degree  of  the 
wealth  of  the  person  with  whom  he  has  to  do  that  alone 
("Influences  him.     No ;  he  instinctively  recognizes  a  rival,  a 
\  competitor,  in  the  woman  of  business.     There  may  be  appar- 
ently no  possible  danger  that  their  interests  will  ever  clash ; 
but  he  is  prepared  for  all  possibilities,  and  he  at  once  places 
himself  on  the  defensiveJ 

Perhaps,  too,  he  has  been  imposed  upon  by  adventurers 
and  swindlers,  and  the  remembrance  thereof  makes  him  cau- 
tious, makes  him  bristle  at  the  recollection  of  past  wrongs 
TTo  his  pocket.     For  all  these  reasons  the  business  woman 
'  must  not  expect  to  be  treated  with  the  same  courtesy  that 
ever  follows  the  footsteps  of  her  more  fortunate  sister.     And 
she  must  above  all  things  avoid  the  pretty  little  airs  and 
graces,  the  charming  ways  which  are  so  delightful  in  a  parlor, 
but  which  are  utterly  out  of  place,  nay,  even  dangerous,  in 
the  arena  of  daily  struggle  for  bread  and  butter.] 


THE  CHAPE110NE.  183 

She  must  remember  that  it  is  the  fact  that  her  calling 
obliges  her  to  make  these  visits  which  alone  justifies  her  i$ 
doing  so,  and  her  manner  should  be  serious,  quiet,  business^ 
like,  —  in  fact  "  impersonal "  as  far  as  it  is  possible  to  make 
it  so.  While  her  dress  may  very  properly  be  of  handsome 
materials,  it  should  be  quiet,  plain,  and  severely  lady-like. 
It  is  never  in  good  taste  to  wear  showy,  gaudy  raiment  when 
walking  in  the  public  streets,  and  especially  when  on  an 
errand  of  business. 


CHAPTEE   XX. 

CONVERSATION   IN    SOCIETY.  —  HINTS    ON    HOW   TO   AVOID 
SOME   OF  ITS   BESETTING  DANGERS. 

IN  order  to  be  an  agreeable  person  in  society,  it  is  by  no 
means  necessary  to  be  a  burning  and  a  shining  light  therein. 
On  the  contrary,  the  average  man  and  woman  (under  one  or 
other  of  which  heads  most  of  us  belong)  are  a  thousand  times 
more  agreeable  if  they  don't  try  to  shine.  The  art  of  effacing 
one's  self,  as  the  French  say,  —  that  is,  of  being  quiet,  of  not 
asserting  one's  own  importance, — is  an  art  for  whose  culti- 
vation (in  others)  people  are  always  profoundly  thankful. 
Beware,  then,  of  talking  too  much  ;  do  not  talk  to  show  how 
clever  you  are  or  how  much  you  know,  but  rather  to  amuse 
and  entertain  the  person  with  whom  your  lot  is  cast  for  the 
moment;  or,  better  still,  carry  on  your  conversation  with 
him  in  such  a  way  that  you  may  be  mutually  benefited  and 
instructed,  remembering  always  that  your  topic  should  not 
be  too  serious  for  the  occasion.  A  sermon  would  be  out  of 
place  in  a  ball-room. 

In  one  of  Balzac's  stories  a  lady  advises  the  hero  not  to 
be  too  brilliant,  and  never  to  amuse  the  company  too  pal- 
pably. "  Que  votre  supe"riorite  soit  leonine,"  she  says. 

A  good  listener  is  better  appreciated  by  nine  people  out  of 
ten,  in  this  world  of  ours,  than  the  most  brilliant  talker. 

But  in  order  to  be  a  good  listener,  one  must  listen.  Alas, 
how  hard  that  is  sometimes  when  one  is  detained  in  the 
clutches  of  those  Ancient  Mariners  of  society,  the  long-winded 


CONVERSATION  IN  SOCIETY.  185 

bores  !  For  the  bore  is  usually  long-winded,  although  the 
existence  of  silent  bores,  especially  among  the  very  young, 
cannot  be  denied.  The  silent  bore  is  but  half  a  bore,  how- 
ever ;  he  is  a  sort  of  albino  of  the  species,  and  the  world 
calmly  treads  on  his  corns  and  his  prejudices,  ignores  him, 
and  usually  tolerates  and  forgives  him. 

Some  people  acquire  the  art  of  appearing  to  pay  strict 
attention  to  what  is  said  to  them,  when  their  thoughts  are 
in  reality  a  long  way  off ;  but  this  is  a  very  dangerous  game 
to  play  at.  Your  interlocutor  is  always  liable  suddenly  to 
put  some  question,  your  answer  to  which  will  be  pretty  sure 
to  betray  that  your  mind  has  wandered  to  other  pastures. 
A  gentleman  who  was  a  great  favorite  in  society  said  lately 
that  when  he  Avauted  to  have  his  mind  free  to  hear  what  the 
couple  next  to  him  were  saying,  he  would  observe  to  the  lady 
with  whom  he  was  conversing,  "  What  did  you  do  to-day  1 " 
Her  naturally  prolix  answer  gave  him  the  needed  time  to 
hear  what  his  next-door  neighbors  were  saying.  Such  a  ruse 
is  only  safe,  however,  for  an  accomplished  habitue  of  society. 

If  you  wish  to  be  agreeable,  avoid  personal  anecdotes 
about  yourself,  your  family,  and  friends,  unless  in  talking  to 
those  with  whom  you  are  really  intimate.  Remember  that 
to  most  people  a  story  about  yourself  may  be  interesting,  if 
it  is  interesting  per  se ;  otherwise  it  will  not  be. 

"  Mortify  your  own  vanity  if  you  don't  want  other  people 
to  mortify  it  for  you,"  would  be  an  excellent  social  maxim. 
Avoid  vain  repetitions  in  conversation  as  well  as  in  more 
serious  matters.  If  you  are  in  the  habit  of  repeating  the 
same  stories  and  relating  the  same  experiences,  you  will  run 
great  danger  of  repeating  them  to  the  same  persons  to  whom 
you  have  told  them  once  before,  —  nay,  perhaps  twice  or  even 
three  times  before.  I  have  known  people  who  were  in  other 
respects  conscientious  and  reputable  members  of  society,  but 
whose  guilt  on  this  dreadful  question  of  repeating  themselves 


186  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

was  too  black  to  be  in  any  way  palliated  or  denied.  When 
Jones  tells  me  for  the  fifteenth  time  how  he  rescued  his  uncle 
from  a  watery  grave  in  the  Public  Garden  pond  by  means  of 
the  head  gardener's  hay -rake,  what  are  my  feelings'?  They 
are  too  tumultuous  to  be  put  on  paper,  or  rather  they  were. 
From  the  third  to  the  tenth  time  that  he  related  that  fear- 
some tale,  I  used  actually  to  wish  his  uncle  had  drowned 
then  and  there.  What  are  the  lives  of  a  whole  generation  of 
Jones's  uncles  compared  with  my  peace  of  mind  1  But  now 
I  have  become  quite  hardened ;  I  even  help  him  out  with 
the  story  sometimes  when  he  forgets  a  detail.  Would  / 
could  forget  one  single  item  of  that  wretched  anecdote  ! 

All  this  misery  which  vain  repetition  insures  to  weary  listen- 
ers might  be  avoided,  however,  —  certainly  a  great  deal  of  it, 
—  if  the  story-teller  or  the  relater  of  his  personal  experiences 
(the  last-named  is  usually  the  most  difficult  to  cure  of  his 
bad  habit)  would  observe  a  few  simple  rules.  First,  confine 
your  reminiscences  to  accounts  of  events  that  have  recently 
occurred ;  in  this  way  you  will  not  be  apt  to  forget  to  whom 
you  have  or  have  not  told  them,  although  when  in  doubt 
it  is  always  a  good  plan  to  say,  "Did  I  tell _  you  about 
so  and  so?" 

A  young  man  said  not  long  ago  that  he  thought  he  should 
shoot  the  next  person  who  asked  him  if  he  had  seen  the 
A.  T.  Stewart  collection ;  that  young  man  had  my  profound 
sympathy.  The  rule  spoken  of  above  was  suggested  to  me 
by  the  conversation  of  a  very  brilliant  woman,  but  a  woman 
who  liked  better  to  be  agreeable  than  to  talk  about  herself. 
As  she  saw  a  great  deal  of  people  and  tilings,  she  naturally 
spoke  of  what  she  had  seen  and  heard,  —  of  interesting  and 
quaint  individuals  whom  she  had  met.  But  the  events  thus 
related  were  almost  invariably  of  recent  occurrence,  or  else 
they  were  stories  about  people  whose  names  had  already 
occurred  in  the  conversation,  and  stories  that  were  not  gen- 


CONVERSATION  IN   SOCIETY.  187 

erally  known,  —  perhaps  about  those  old  times  that  are  so 
old  as  to  be  new  to  the  present  generation. 

Howells,  in  his  "Indian  Summer,"  makes  his  hero  so 
economical  of  topics  that  one  would  be  spread  out  so  as  to 
cover  a  number  of  different  conversations  —  in  the  course  of 
the  day  or  evening.  This  is  safe  enough  to  do  if  you  only 
obey  the  second  rule  ;  and  that  is,  after  airing  your  topic  or 
your  story,  or  whatever  it  is,  well  and  thoroughly,  put  it  in 
the  bottom  of  a  barrel,  like  the  minister's  sermons.  After 
five  years,  or  certainly  after  ten  years,  you  can  safely  bring 
it  out  again.  Even  the  newspapers  tell  us  the  same  things 
every  ten  years.  They  calculate  that  it  takes  about  that 
length  of  time  for  a  new  generation  to  grow  up,  and  a  new 
generation  needs  to  be  told  the  old  truths  and  the  old  stories. 
Strict  originality,  of  course,  we  cannot  expect.  Emerson  says 
that  no  thought  is  entirely  original,  but  can  be  traced  back 
through  generations  of  thinkers,  ending  with  the  archangels 
perhaps. 

We  all  know  to  our  cost  that  jokes  are  immortal;  or  at 
least  that  most  of  them  date  back  to  those  champion  wits 
and  thinkers,  the  ancient  Greeks.  But  every  now  and  then 
society  rises  in  its  might  and  says  it  will  have  no  more  of  a 
certain  joke,  so  it  is  temporarily  buried,  —  not  cremated.  A 
joke  cannot,  in  the  nature  of  things,  be  cremated,  since  its 
resurrection  is  only  a  matter  of  time. 

It  is  of  course  a  very  nice  question  just  how  much  or  how 
little  to  talk,  and  just  what  to  say,  on  social  occasions  of 
various  sorts  and  sizes  ;  but  it  is  a  question  in  which  a  regard 
for  the  feelings  of  others,  a  desire  not  only  to  enjoy  one's 
self  but  to  have  others  enjoy  themselves  also,  will  be  of  the 
greatest  assistance.  It  is  said  by  thorough  horsemen  that  no 
matter  how  skilful  one  may  be  in  the  saddle  or  on  the  box, 
a  man  should  never  cease  to  watch  his  horse.  Xo  one  can  tell 
at  what  moment  the  animal  may  play  him  a  trick,  — become 


188  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

suddenly  frightened,  or  in  some  way  call  for  the  instant 
tightening  of  the  reins,  with  words  of  reassurance  or  com- 
mand, as  the  case  may  be.  Now  that  unruly  member  the 
tongue  needs  to  be  held  under  just  such  close  surveillance. 
Conversation  has  been  aptly  likened  to  fencing.  But  in  a 
society  that  is  truly  polite,  the  guard  which  keeps  the  foil 
from  making  any  deadly  thrust  is  never  removed,  even 
though  the  combatants,  if  at  all  wary,  are  sure  to  be  protected 
by  fencing-masks.  In  the  face  of  the  accomplished  man  of 
the  world  it  is  not  easy  to  read  his  thoughts.  He  does  not 
"  wear  his  heart  upon  his  sleeve,  for  daws  to  peck  at." 

Having  spoken  of  the  cruelty  of  those  who  tell  always  the 
same  tale,  like  the  hand-organ,  a  word  should  be  added  as  to 
how  their  hearers  should  bear  themselves  under  the  torture. 
This  can  best  be  done  by  citing  the  behavior  under  such 
circumstances  of  a  lady  who  is,  and  justly,  a  general  favorite 
wherever  she  goes.  She  listens  quietly  to  the  "same  old 
story,"  betraying  neither  by  word  nor  deed  that  she  has  ever 
heard  it  before.  Above  all,  she  does  not  interrupt  the  story- 
teller, and  set  him  right  if  he  makes  some  mistake  iu  telling 
his  beloved  anecdote.  There  is  sometimes  a  great  temptation 
to  interrupt  a  speaker  where  he  makes  a  mistake;  but 
it  is  never  polite  to  do  so.  If  he  is  making  a  statement 
of  fact  that  is  calculated  to  do  injustice  to  somebody,  or 
that  will  be  prejudicial  to  the  truth,  one  may  say  politely, 
after  the  other  speaker  has  finished  what  he  has  to  say, 
that  one  differs  from  him,  or  that  one  has  heard  the  story 
otherwise;  but  where  no  question  of  principle  is  involved, 
what  does  it  matter  whether  Jones  plays  his  tune  straight 
or  with  variations? 

Remember  that  it  is  never  polite,  in  general  conversation, 
to  talk  long  upon  a  subject  about  which  some  of  those  pres- 
ent know  nothing.  This  is  just  as  true  whether  your  sub- 
ject be  an  elevated  one,  or  merely  society  sm  nil-talk  and 


CONVERSATION  IN   SOCIETY.  189 

gossip.  Young  people  who  belong  to  the  same  set  and  have 
a  great  deal  in  common  to  talk  about,  will  sometimes  do  this 
thing  thoughtlessly  when  one  or  two  strangers  are  present. 
They  forget  that,  interesting  as  it  may  be  to  themselves  to 
hear  about  Tom's  new  dog-cart,  or  who  danced  the  german, 
and  with  whom,  at  the  Snifkinses'  the  night  before,  such  de- 
tails cannot  have  the  same  charm  to  a  young  lady  from 
another  city  who  has  never  seen  Tom,  and  possibly  never 
even  heard  of  the  Snifkinses  !  It  is  better  even  to  talk  about 
the  weather  (blessed  topic  !)  than  to  leave  some  one  present 
permanently  out  of  the  circle  of  conversation.  What  people 
do  to  eke  out  dreadful  gaps  in  conversation  in  California, 
where  the  weather  changes  only  two  or  three  times  a  year, 
no  one  has  yet  told  us.  It  is  to  be  presumed  that  they  fall 
back  upon  the  game  of  Brag,  and  praise  their  ever-smiling 
skies. 

It  goes  without  saying,  that  people  should  "sink  the 
shop  "  —  that  is,  not  talk  of  their  business  or  profession  — 
in  public.  Yet  any  careful  observer  must  have  noticed  that 
as  it  is  with  morals  so  it  is  with  manners.  We  may  know 
perfectly  well  that  to  do  such  and  such  a  thing  is  a  breach  of 
the  social  code ;  but  if  we  wish  to  very  much,  we  are  very 
apt  to  do  it.  A  young  surgeon,  not  long  since,  very  much 
disgusted  some  ladies  of  his  acquaintance  by  his  bloodthirsty 
(it  seemed  to  them)  encomiums  upon  surgery.  "  The  knife, 
the  knife  is  the  only  thing!"  he  vehemently  exclaimed. 
And  yet  this  young  fellow  belonged  in  what  is  technically 
termed  Good  Society, — belonged  to  a  "good  old  family," 
had  had  a  college  education,  and  was  in  general  extremely 
polite ! 

It  is  well  to  avoid  riding  one's  favorite  hobby  too  much  in 
general  society,  though  that  would  be  a  cruel  rule  which  de- 
nied all  hobbies  an  entrance  into  the  drawing-room.  If 
it  were  put  at  the  foot  of  invitations,  "  No  hobby-horses 


190  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

allowed, "  probably  many  more  refusals  would  be  sent  in  for 
"  talking-parties "  than  is  now  the  case.  If  you  cannot  be 
happy  without  your  hobby,  bring  it  with  you,  but  keep 
it  concealed  as  much  as  possible,  remembering  that  that  is 
a  poor  mind  which  can  entertain  only  one  subject. 

Although  it  is  often  interesting  and  agreeable  to  hear  peo- 
ple talk  about  the  books  they  have  read,  one  should  never 
"cram"  for  any  particular  occasion,  unless  bien-entendu  that 
one  is  going  to  make  a  speech.  A  person  who  "  crams  "  for 
a  dinner-party,  or  for  a  visit  to  the  country,  is  pretty  sure  to 
be  found  out.  For  in  order  to  introduce  the  subject  he 
wishes  into  conversation,  he  has  either  got  to  "  drag  it  in  by 
the  head  and  ears,"  or  else  adopt  some  circuitous  route,  — 
some  leading-up  to  the  subject  which  will  be  apt  to  betray 
the  purpose  of  its  bringing-in. 

Curiously  enough,  this  habit  of  cramming  is  sometimes  in- 
dulged in  by  those  who  least  need  its  aid,  —  by  men  of 
literary  attainment  and  good  conversational  powers.  They 
seem  to  forget  that  this  special  preparation  destroys  all  the 
sparkle,  all  the  spontaneity  of  conversation  which  should 
bubble  up  from  the  meeting  of  active  minds  just  as  the  con- 
tact with  the  air  makes  the  champagne  foam.  Society  always 
finds  this  trait  hard  to  forgive.  Not  only  are  the  rest  of  the 
company  taken  at  an  unfair  advantage,  but  the  little  game 
itself  is  a  sort  of  deceit,  and  shows  an  undue  desire  to  shine 
on  the  part  of  the  person  who  makes  use  of  it.  Another 
habit  to  which  society  strongly  objects  is  that  of  punning. 
Of  course  an  occasional  pun  can  be  forgiven;  but  constant 
punning,  in  these  days,  is  frowned  upon  by  general  consent. 
It  is  true  that  the  custom  is  a  very  ancient  one,  —  as  old  as 
the  times  of  the  Greeks.  It  is  true  also  that  the  great 
Shakspeare  indulged  very  lavishly  in  plays  upon  words,  ac- 
cording to  the  fashion  of  his  day.  I  believe  it  was  Foote  who 
said  that  no  one  objected  to  a  pun  but  the  man  who  could  n't 


CONVERSATION  IN  SOCIETY.  191 

make  one.  He  was  naturally  biassed  in  his  views,  however, 
from  the  fact  of  his  being  personally  an  incorrigible  punster. 

The  great  objections  to  punning  are  that  it  breaks  up  the 
thread  of  conversation,  and  wearies  the  mind  by  turning  it 
constantly  into  some  new  and  unexpected  channel.  It  is 
necessarily  an  interruption ;  and  even  agreeable  interruptions 
become  tedious  if  repeated  too  often. 

A  few  additional  hints  as  to  what  should  be  avoided  in 
conversation  will  not  perhaps  be  out  of  place  here. 

Beware  of  making  jokes  in  general  society.  To  the  man 
of  literal  mind  a  joke  is  entirely  incomprehensible.  An 
elderly  lady,  who  was  completely  destitute  of  all  sense  of  the 
ludicrous,  remarked  recently,  apropos  of  Frank  Stockton  and 
his  delightful  nonsense,  "  He  will  be  sorry,  when  he  grows 
older,  that  he  spent  his  time  in  writing  such  stuff !  " 

Never  make  personal  remarks  or  jokes.  The  latter  are 
very  liable  to  be  misunderstood,  even  when  made  with  per- 
fect good-nature.  Especially  is  this  the  case  with  personal 
jokes  made  in  letters,  where  voice  and  gesture  are  lacking 
to  convey  adequately  the  intention  of  jesting.  One  must 
never  ask  a  person's  age,  or  call  attention  to  his  dress  and 
personal  belongings.  • 

Avoid  stormy  discussion  in  a  mixed  company,  and,  conse- 
quently, avoid  those  subjects  on  which  people  are  apt  to  feel 
most  strongly,  and  differ  most  widely,  namely,  politics  and 
religion.  The  anecdote  of  the  Englishman  who  discussed 
politics  with  a  stranger  in  a  stage,  and  who  became  so  excited 
that  he  knocked  the  head  of  his  antagonist  through  the  stage 
window,  is  only  a  slight  exaggeration  of  the  scenes  of  excite- 
ment which  most  of  us  have  witnessed  when  politics  were 
under  discussion. 

A  truly  well-bred  person  will  endeavor  to  change  the  theme 
of  conversation  when  he  perceives  that  those  with 'whom  he 
is  conversing  are  becoming  unduly  excited. 


192  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

An  essential  part  of  the  art  of  conversation  consists  in  the 
ability  to  "  draw  out "  others,  and  to ,  make  them  talk  on  the 
topics  with  which  they  themselves  are  well  acquainted,  and 
in  which  they  are  interested.  This  was  a  rule  with  Emerson, 
as  well  as  with  other  truly  wise  men  and  women.  The  wise 
man  is  continually  searching  for  more  light ;  and  he  knows 
that  from  comparatively  humble  people,  even  from  the  me- 
chanic or  artisan,  there  is  much  that  he  can  learn.  There- 
fore while  he  is  quite  willing  to  give  light  to  others  if 
they  desire  it,  and  to  impart  information,  he  despises,  as 
unworthy  of  a  great  mind,  that  sort  of  conversation  which 
is  indulged  in  merely  to  show  off  what  a  man  knows, 
in  order  that  he  may  excite  the  admiration  of  those  about 
him. 

It  is  surprising,  therefore,  to  see  the  fatal  mistake  which 
many  persons  of  superficial  accomplishments  make,  in  en- 
deavoring to  display  their  little  learning,  when  talking  to  a 
man  or  woman  of  superior  intelligence  and  solid  acquire- 
ments. They  cannot  resist  the  temptation  to  show  what 
they  know,  and  are  so  blinded  by  their  own  vanity  that  they 
do  not  see  what  folly  they  are  guilty  of ;  nor  do  they  per- 
ceive that  "  out  of  their  own  mouths  they  are  judged,"  their 
loquacity  betraying  the  narrow  limits  and  the  superficial 
character  of  their  attainments. 

If  such  people  would  be  content  to  talk  about  some  sub- 
ject with  which  they  were  thoroughly  conversant,  —  even  if 
it  were  a  shop  subject,  —  they  would  find  in  the  learned  man 
an  interested  listener.  For  though  one  should  not  as  a  rule 
talk  shop,  it  is  permissible  to  do  so  to  a  person  who  is  evi- 
dently interested  in  the  subject. 

The  pygmy  who  rashly  tries  his  strength  against  the  giant, 
is  guilty  of  a  more  noble  fault,  however,  than  the  giant  who, 
without  provocation,  crushes  the  pygmy.  The  man  who  takes 
pains  constantly  to  make  a  display  of  what  he  knows  to  other 


CONVERSATION  IN  SOCIETY.  193 

pei-sons  of  decidedly  inferior  education  and  accomplishments, 
is  sadly  wanting  in  magnanimity. 

It  is  not  in  accordance  with  the  spirit  of  our  age  to  pay 
empty  and  unmeaning  compliments.  In  our  self-assertive 
day  men  do  not  praise  their  neighbors,  and  the  old-fashioned 
elaborate  and  flowery  language  of  compliment  has  fallen  into 
disuse.  This  is  scarcely  to  be  regretted,  for  sincerity  is  al- 
ways good,  even  the  sincerity  of  selfishness.  Besides,  the 
moment  that  selfishness  ceases  to  masquerade  under  the  garb 
of  hypocrisy,  its  true  character  is  at  once  made  known,  and 
being  made  known,  will  ere  long  be  corrected. 

That  young  men  still  say  pretty  things  to  young  and 
charming  women  is  not  to  be  denied  ;  but  our  belles  will 
not  tolerate  compliments  unless  they  are  well  turned,  and,  in 
appearance  at  least,  sincere  ;  nor  will  they  allow  a  fond  youth 
to  repeat  the  same  pretty  speech  to  half  a  dozen  girls.  In 
the  delightful  moments  of  confidence  and  retrospection  with 
which  young  ladies  indulge  themselves  after  a  ball,  the  youth 
who  has  said  the  same  thing  to  all  of  them  is  severely  con- 
demned by  the  fair  conclave,  amid  peals  of  silvery  laughter. 

It  is  not  polite  to  express  doubts  of  a  story,  even  if  many 
large  fishes  are  introduced  into  the  tale  ;  neither  is  it  polite 
to  criticise  or  find  fault  with  pictures,  bric-a-brac,  etc.,  which 
are  displayed  for  your  admiration.  "  I  wish,"  said  a  clever 

woman,  "  that  I  could  borrow  that  sweet  smile  of 's. 

He  never  praises  what  he  does  not  admire,  but  he  smiles  so 
benignly,  that  he  satisfies  people  just  as  well  as  if  he  broke 
out  into  the  most  extravagant  encomiums." 

The  man  or  woman  who  can  say  sharp  and  witty  things  is 
usually  unpopular  ;  the  world  fears  more  than  it  likes  such 
a  person.  Where  a  man  possesses  the  delightful  faculty  of 
being  witty  and  amusing,  and  of  saying  bright  things  that 
are  neither  unkind  nor  satirical,  he  is,  of  course,  the  prince 
of  good  fellows,  as  he  deserves  to  be. 

13 


194  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Of  gossip  and  slander  it  is,  let  us  hope,  needless  to  speak. 
It  is  as  ill-bred  as  it  is  unchristian  to  indulge  in  them  ; 
and  the  present  renaissance  of  learning  (I  refer  to  the  epi- 
demic of  reading-classes,  literary  clubs,  etc.,  now  so  preva- 
lent in  our  cities,  towns,  and  villages),  if  it  accomplishes  no 
other  good,  at  least  vastly  diminishes  the  tendency  to  gossip 
about  one's  neighbors. 


CHAPTER   XXI. 

ON   VOICE,   LANGUAGE,  AND   ACCENT. 

"  THY  speech  bewrayeth  thee,"  said  the  Jewish  damsel  to 
Simon  Peter.  How  often  do  we  see  people  who  have  with 
painful  effort  acquired  all  the  social  graces  and  even  a  certain 
elegance  of  manner,  but  who  still  betray  —  by  the  misuse  of  a 
single  letter  it  may  be  —  the  defects  of  their  early  education ! 
It  is  in  vain  for  the  woman  who  says  "  kep  "  instead  of  "  kept" 
to  have  armorial  bearings  emblazoned  all  over  her  plate,  and 
a  whole  gallery  filled  with  the  portraits  of  her  ancestors. 
That  one  little  letter  t,  with  which  all  her  wealth  cannot 
supply  her,  settles  her  former  social  status  in  spite  of  her 
many  protestations. 

The  wisdom  of  all  ages  has  recognized  this  traitor-quality 
of  voice  and  language.  ^Esop  sets  it  forth  in  his  fable  of  the 
Ass  in  the  Lion's  skin ;  and  the  old  fairy  story  tells  us  how 
the  good  girl  was  known  by  the  roses  and  pearls  that  fell 
from  her  lips,  while  vipers  and  toads  betrayed  the  vixenish 
heart  of  her  unkind  sister.  The  modern  saying  has  it  that 
a  fool  may  pass  for  a  wise  man  if  he  only  knows  enough  to 
keep  his  mouth  shut. 

People  are  not  on  their  guard  as  to  their  manner  of  speech  ; 
their  own  ears  are  so  accustomed  to  it  that  it  makes  little 
impression  on  them.  If  phonographs  were  as  common  as 
looking-glasses,  we  might  be  as  watchful  of  how  we  talk  as 
we  now  are  of  how  we  look.  A  keen  observer  can  judge  of 


196  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

a  man's  age,  character,  manners,  and  morals,  by  the  sound  of 
his  voice  alone. 

The  proper  cultivation  of  the  voice  is  of  very  great  impor- 
tance, especially  for  Americans.  "  Whether  it  is  the  climate 
or  the  'abits,"  we  undoubtedly  have  a  tendency  to  speak  in 
harsh  nasal  tones  as  the  candid  foreigner  takes  sincere  pleas- 
ure in  informing  us.  Proper  cultivation  and  use  of  the  voice 
not  only  increase  its  beauty,  but  prevent  its  becoming  thin 
and  cracked  with  age,  and  add  greatly  to  a  person's  health 
and  strength.  You  will  hear  women  of  forty  speak,  whose 
voices  are  thin  and  worn  because  they  have  never  used  them 
properly  ;  while  other  women  of  threescore  and  ten  or  even 
more  years  speak  Avith  round,  full,  strong  tones  that  are 
delightful  and  refreshing  to  hear. 

Public  speaking,  singing,  acting,  are  all  healthful  pursuits 
in  spite  of  the  late  hours  they  involve.  Even  reading  aloud 
is  said  to  be  an  excellent  preservative  of  the  voice.  Probably 
nothing  is  worse  for  it  than  scolding  in  a  high  key,  or  than 
the  deplorable  habit,  so  prevalent  in  some  houses,  of  "  yelling  " 
up  and  down  stairs. 

Children  should  be  trained  not  to  pitch  their  voices  too 
high ;  indeed,  every  one  should  speak  in  chest  tones,  and  not 
from  the  head  and  throat.  A  successful  school-teacher  said 
to  the  writer,  "  If  children  are  inclined  to  be  unruly  and 
troublesome,  don't  raise  your  voice  and  scream  at  them,  but 
drop  it ;  speak  lower  and  not  higher."  If  you  speak  loud 
and  high,  it  shows  that  you  yourself  are  excited  ;  but  if  you 
speak  in  a  low,  firm  tone,  you  show  that  you  command  your- 
self and  mean  to  command  others.  In  "  Daniel  Deronda," 
Gwendolen's  hateful  husband  speaks  in  a  low  voice  of  re- 
pressed power  whenever  he  means  to  be  especially  disagree- 
able, and  the  high-strung,  spirited  woman  feels  obliged  to 
submit  to  his  tyrannical  mandates,  soft-spoken  though 
they  be. 


ON  VOICE,  LANGUAGE,  AND  ACCENT.        197 

A  clever  man  who  was  very  attentive  to  a  beautiful  but 
not  very  intellectual  woman,  was  once  asked  what  great  charm 

he  found  in  Miss ,  and  whether  her  conversation  was  not 

very  dull.  "  Oh,  no  !  "  he  replied ;  "  she  does  n't  say  any- 
thing that  is  very  startling,  but  I  like  so  much  to  hear  her 
talk.  When  she  tells  me  that  she  had  bread  and  butter  for 
luncheon,  she  pronounces  '  bread '  and  '  butter '  in  such  a 
charming  way  that  it  is  truly  delightful ! " 

There  are  certain  words  which  seem  predestined  to  martyr- 
dom, so  persistently  are  they  mispronounced  and  abused. 
Take  for  instance  the  word  "  gentleman ; "  certainly  it  does 
not  seem  very  difficult  to  pronounce  in  the  right  way,  that  is, 
just  as  it  is  spelled.  But  many  people  make  a  curious  mum- 
ble in  the  middle  of  it,  so  that  it  sounds  much  like  "  gemp- 
man  "  or  "  gehempman  "  or  "  genelman."  The  man  who 
aspires  to  be  a  gentleman  should  be  very  careful  to  pronounce 
his  own  title  distinctly.  The  abbreviation  "  gents  "  is  never 
used  by  people  of  education.  Another  very  common  but 
less  damning  error  is  to  omit  the  n  sound  in  government, 
and  to  pronounce  it  "  goverment."  Even  well-educated 
people  make  this  mistake  through  carelessness. 

A  distinct  utterance  and  the  careful  enunciation  of  every 
letter  when  pronouncing  a  word  are  of  .the  greatest  impor- 
tance. One  should  not  be  slovenly  in  speech  any  more  than 
in  dress,  handwriting,  or  any  other  detail  of  the  conduct  of 
life.  It  is  not  necessary  to  speak  loiicl  in  order  to  speak 
clearly.  A  soft,  low,  and  gentle  voice  we  hold  to  be  "  an  ex- 
cellent thing  in  woman,"  as  much  as  Shakspeare  did.  But 
beware  of  a  woman  with  a  voice  that  is  ever  soft !  Often 
she  is  very  sweet-tempered,  but  you  will  find  her  to  be  of  no 
soft  will,  and  as  hard  to  move  as  adamant,  from  any  determi- 
nation she  has  once  formed. 

Some  women  who  speak  with  soft  and  pleasant  voices  mar 
what  would  otherwise  be  the  perfect  whole  of  their  speech, 


198  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

by  a  peculiar  indistinctness  of  utterance,  which  conveys  to 
the  by-stander  the  impression  that  their  mouths  are  full  of 
pudding.  This  is  a  more  agreeable  extreme  than  the  sharp, 
hard,  nasal  tones  of  many  Yankees ;  but  it  savors  of  affec- 
tation, and  makes  conversation  difficult  and  one-sided.  Such 
an  enunciation  —  pretty,  but  hard  to  understand  —  is  like 
the  much-abused  English  hand-writing  popular  with  many 
ladies.  A  letter  written  in  the  extremity  of  this  style  is 
very  pretty  and  interesting,  unless  you  happen  to  wish  to 
read  it! 

The  general  tendency  of  Americans  is  toward  distinct, 
although  it  may  be  unmusical  utterance.  We  do  not  slur 
and  abbreviate  names  as  much  as  the  English  do,  and  our 
tendency  to  pronounce  all  there  is  of  a  proper  name  is 
sometimes  carried  too  far.  When  a  brakeman  screams  out 
"Green — wich,  Nor — wich,  Brans — wick,"  the  polite  ears 
of  the  passengers  are  deeply  offended.  "  Grinnidge,  Norridge, 
Bruns'ick,"  have  become  the  standard  and  recognized  mispro- 
nunciations originated  by  our  British  brethren,  who  seem  to 
have  a  special  dislike  to  the  letter  w  as  well  as  to  the  letter  h. 
Berwick,  they  pronounce  Berrick ;  St.  John  (used  as  a  proper 
name),  Sinjun  ;  Gower,  Gore ;  Salisbury,  Salzbury  ;  Cockburn, 
Coburn ;  Cowper,  Couper,  the  w  taking  the  sound  of  u ; 
Brougham,  Broum ;  Pontefract,  Pomfret ;  Geoghegau,  Gay- 
gan  ;  Belvoir,  Bever  ;  Beauchamp,  Seacham,  etc. 

Other  instances  of  names  whose  spelling  and  pronunciation 
are  at  deadly  feud  with  each  other  are  too  well  known, 
perhaps,  to  need  mention,  —  "  Cholmondeley  "  and  "  Marjori- 
banks,"  which  look  so  stately  in  print,  but  whose  owners  must 
be  addressed  as  plain  "  Chumley  "  and  "  Marchbanks ; "  "  Cav- 
endish," which  is  pronounced  "  Candish,"  etc.  Less  known 
than  these,  and  more  singular  than  any,  is  the  name  of  a 
certain  family  in  Virginia  who  spell  their  name  "  Enroughty  " 
and  pronounce  it  "  Darby." 


ON  VOICE,  LANGUAGE,  AND  ACCENT.        199 

While  Americans  are  justly  proud  of  the  comparative  free- 
dom from  dialects  which  distinguishes  our  great  country, 
they  still  love  to  poke  a  little  fun  at  one  another  on  account 
of  slight  local  differences  in  accent  and  speech.  The  New 
Englander  smiles  at  the  "spoon,"  "av'noo,"  "chick'n,"  etc. 
of  "  N'Yawk,"  and  thinks  it  is  utterly  foolish  to  flatten  the 
a  in  bath,  last,  dance,  etc. 

The  New  Yorker  responds  by  pointing  out  the  evident 
absurdity  of  calling  coat  "  coat "  (wherein  he  is  right)  and 
the  great  advantage  of  saying  "  dawg  "  as  he  does,  rather  than 
"dSg,"  as  we  do  (wherein  he  is  wrong).  And  the  inhabi- 
tants of  both  sections  of  country  agree  in  wondering  at  the 
folly  of  "Westerners,  with  their  wonderfully  rolled  r's,  and 
of  Southerners,  with  their  "paws  "  and  "  maws  "  and  various 
negroidal  peculiarities  of  dialect. 

Now  that  the  English  accent  has  become  so  fashionable, 
the  New  Yorker  is  endeavoring  rapidly  to  broaden  his  a'*, 
while  the  Bostonian  strives  to  shake  off  the  nasal  quality  of 
his  tone,  and  to  dwell  a  little  longer  on  his  words.  Thus 
are  two  hostile  factions  peacefully  united  in  their  loving  imi- 
tations of  a  third  party  ! 

"  English  as  she  is  spoke  "  by  well-bred  Englishmen  them- 
selves is  certainly  a  very  charming  tongue,  and  much  more 
poetical  than  our  American  version;  but  the  imitations  of 
English  speech  that  are  becoming  so  current  here  have  the 
pinchbeck  quality  of  all  counterfeits.  In  the  first  place, 
they  seem  affected  ;  and  affectation  is  a  form  of  insincerity 
which  may  be  very  innocent,  but  is  almost  universally  dis- 
liked. In  the  second  place,  imitation  is  a  sign  of  weakness 
in  nations  and  in  individuals. 

Emerson  says  that  nations  are  great  and  vigorous  while 
they  are  occupied  with  their  own  affairs.  The  following 
passage  from  one  of  his  essays  might  be  read  with  advantage 
by  the  dudish  youth  of  to-day.  "  The  young  men  in  America 


200  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

at  this  moment  take  little  thought  of  what  men  in  England 
are  thinking  or  doing.  That  is  the  point  which  decides  the 
welfare  of  a  people ;  which  way  does  it  look  ?  If  to  any 
other  people,  it  is  not  well  with  them.  If  occupied  in  its 
own  affairs  and  thoughts  and  men,  with  a  heat  which  ex- 
cludes almost  the  notice  of  any  other  people,  —  as  the  Jews, 
the  Greeks,  the  Persians,  the  Romans,  the  Arabians,  the 
French,  the  English,  at  their  best  times  have  done,  —  they 
are  sublime ;  and  we  know  that  in  this  abstraction  they  are 
executing  excellent  work." 

Herodotus  says  :  "  The  Persians  are  of  all  nations  most 
ready  to  adopt  foreign  customs ;  for  they  wear  the  Medic 
costume,  thinking  it  handsomer  than  their  own ;  and  in  war 
they  use  the  Egyptian  cuirass.  And  they  practise  all  kinds 
of  indulgences  with  which  they  become  acquainted."  How 
little  these  imitative  and  rather  foppish  Persians  were  able  to 
withstand  the  Greeks,  every  schoolboy  knows. 

All  of  which  is  respectfully  submitted  for  the  consideration 
of  the  grand  army  of  returned  Anglo-Ameiicans  who  have 
with  so  much  difficulty  learned  the  trick  of  a  new  speech, 
and  very  imperfectly,  after  all  their  trouble.  It  is  not  possi- 
ble for  us,  with  our  nervous  organization  and  quickness  of 
thought  and  action,  to  speak  with  the  graceful  slowness 
(sometimes  called  drawl)  which  distinguishes  the  elder,  slower, 
more  mature  branch  of  our  race.  A  kitten  might  as  well 
attempt  to  imitate  the  gait  of  an  old  and  very  respectable 
tortoise. 

Englishmen  have  a  way  of  dwelling  lovingly  upon  their 
words,  which  is  very  pretty  to  hear.  Even  ugly  words  be- 
come attractive  from  the  caress  of  their  speech.  I  once  heard 
an  Englishman  of  some  literary  note  pronounce  "vulture"  in 
such  soft  lingering  accents,  with  so  long  a  dwelling  upon  the 
first  syllable,  and  such  a  soft  liquid  sound  of  the  I,  that  the 
odious  bird  of  prey  seemed  for  the  moment  transfigured  into 


ON  VOICE,  LANGUAGE,  AND  ACCENT.        201 

an  amiable  and  poetic  animal.  Even  the  curt  monosyllables 
"yes"  and  "no"  the  Briton  contrives  to  make  of  a  respecta- 
ble length  by  judiciously  hissing  the  s  and  adding  a  w  sound 
to  the  no. 

That  dreadful  vulgarism  perpetrated  by  some  Americans  of 
saying  "  yeah  "  for  yes,  cannot  be  too  severely  condemned. 
Not  only  is  the  mispronunciation  hateful,  but  it  creates  con- 
fusion by  making  "  yes  "  sound  too  much  like  "  no."  The 
negative  and  affirmative  in  our  modern  languages  are  of  very 
different  sound  —  in  order  to  avoid  any  possible  mistake. 
We  could  not  now  tolerate  "  yea "  and  "  nay,"  because  they 
sound  too  much  alike. 

Another  unpleasant  abbreviation  is  that  of  "  gen'ally  "  for 
generally.  Some  people  find  it  very  difficult  to  pronounce 
th  before  s,  and  say  "clo'es"  and  "mon's"  instead  of  "clothes" 
and  "  months."  Others  drop  the  h  after  w,  saying  "  w'ite  " 
and  "w'en"  for  "white"  and  "when."  This  suppression 
of  the  letter  h  is  also  characteristic  of  the  speech  of  a  certain 
class  of  Englishmen,  as  all  the  world  knows.  Why  Ameri- 
cans do  not  also  add  the  h  in  the  wrong  place,  like  their 
cockney  brethren,  is  a  puzzle  to  the  learned,  and  students  of 
language  have  brought  forth  various  theories  to  account  for 
this  curious  fact. 

The  elision  of  the  g  final  in  such  words  as  "  going,  saying, 
doing,"  etc.,  is  not  often  heard  now  in  the  speech  of  educated 
people ;  but  twenty  years  ago  there  were  still  a  number  of 
elderly  persons  who  never  thought  of  saying  aught  but  "goin', 
doin',  sayin',"  etc.  The  shortening  of  the  o  in  "  stone  "  is  an 
ugly  but  common  mistake ;  still  worse  is  the  childish  error 
of  adding  r  to  words  ending  in  a  vowel  sound,  as  "  idear, 
saw?*,"  etc. 

When  it  comes  to  the  pronunciation  of  foreign  words,  one 
is  treading  on  dangerous  ground ;  it  is  better  not  to  quote 
from  other  languages  unless  one  is  familiar  with  them,  and 


202  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

knows  them  by  sound  as  well  as  by  sight.  Even  then,  quo- 
tations should  be  sparingly  used,  as  it  is  in  very  bad  taste  to 
interlard  one's  discourse  constantly  with  French  or  German 
words ;  neither  is  it  now  the  fashion  to  do  so. 

To  quote  Latin,  and  get  the  quantities,  genders,  and  cases 
wrong,  seems  a  needless  barbarity  toward  a  poor  language 
that  is  already  dead.  And  with  anglicized  Greek  and  Latin 
words  it  is  a  poor  plan  to  venture  on  a  plural  unless  you 
have  sufficient  grounds  for  supposing  it  to  be  the  right  one. 
Thus  people  who  wish  to  be  especially  correct  will  carefully 
say  "  memorandas,"  every  time,  in  a  way  calculated  to  make 
Harkness,  Allen,  Greenough,  and  the  rest  writhe  with  torture 
and  surprise.  Memorandum  is  now  an  English  word;  and 
though  educated  people  generally  use  the  Latin  plural,  memo- 
randa, it  is  quite  allowable  simply  to  make  the  plural  like 
that  of  any  other  English  word.  A  woman  who  wished  to 
be  extremely  exact  in  her  conversation  said  lately  to  a  friend, 
"  You  can  telegraw  if  you  wish  to  ! " 

It  is  a  safe  rule  not  to  follow  every  new  wind  of  doctrine 
in  pronunciation,  as  in  other  matters.  Often  it  is  raised  by 
some  one  who  has  a  very  imperfect  knowledge  of  the  subject, 
and  by  following  his  lead  a  person  often  appears  ridiculous, 
and  reveals,  perhaps,  the  defects  of  early  education  as  well 
as  an  over-ambition  to  speak  "  in  the  newest  manner  and  the 
politest  fashion."  Whereas  if  one  pronounces  a  word  in  the 
ordinary  or  old-fashioned  manner,  attention  is  not  specially 
drawn  to  it. 

Thus  it  is  rather  amusing  to  hear  a  country  dressmaker 
speak  of  a  "  polonay  "  in  a  mildly  corrective  tone,  which  re- 
bukes the  ignorance  of  her  customer  for  calling  the  garment 
a  "polonaise." 

While  nothing  is  quite  as  bad  as  coarseness  and  rudeness 
of  speech  and  language,  there  is  still  a  sort  of  affectation,  of 
over-delicacy,  and  would-be  precision,  that  is  almost  as  bad. 


ON   VOICE,  LANGUAGE,  AND  ACCENT.        203 

You  will  find  these  neither  in  the  works  of  the  best  writers 
nor  in  the  mouths  of  the  most  refined  and  cultivated  men 
and  women.  They  are  the  characteristics  of  people  who 
either  have  not  had  a  liberal  education  or  who  have  not 
enjoyed  the  best  social  advantages. 

The  perpetual  use  of  the  word  "limb"  for  "leg,"  and 
"  retire  "  for  "  go  to  bed,"  are  familiar  instances  of  this  over- 
delicacy.  "  He  fell  and  sustained  a  fracture  of  the  limb " 
is  an  absurd  and  needlessly  vague  way  of  intimating  that  a 
man  broke  his  leg;  and  while  it  is  perfectly  proper  and 
correct  to  use  the  form  "retire"  occasionally,  yet  the  con- 
stant eschewing  of  the  plain  old  English  phrase  seems  both 
affected  and  prudish. 

The  over-precision  of  which  I  have  spoken  can  perhaps 
best  be  denned  by  calling  it  grammar-school  precision ;  since 
it  is  of  a  kind  found  often  among  grammar-school  teachers 
and  graduates,  and  suggestive  of  this  degree  of  education 
rather  than  of  a  higher.  A  seamstress  of  peculiar  "refine- 
ment," of  whom  a  lady  had  ordered  a  set  of  nightgowns,  sent 
in  her  bill  for  the  making  of  so  many  "  bed-dresses."  The 
expressions  "  lady  friend  "  and  "  gentleman  friend  "  have 
been  so  persistently  held  up  to  deserved  scorn  by  the  "  New 
York  World,"  that  we  may  hope  their  fate  is  sealed.  The 
use  of  the  word  "  female  "  for  woman  is  rapidly  going  out  of 
fashion,  as  it  deserves.  It  is  inelegant,  and  very  derogatory 
to  one  half  of  mankind. 

"Newspaper  English"  often  amazes  us  with  its  persistent 
affectations,  and  with  its  constant  and  absurd  use  of  certain 
pet  phrases  which  are  evidently  deemed  by  the  writer  to  be 
extremely  elegant.  Thus,  according  to  some  newspapers,  no 
events  of  moment  ever  take  place  or  happen ;  they  always 
"transpire."  Neither  does  any  citizen  live  or  dwell  any- 
where ;  he  always  "  resides."  It  goes  without  saying  that 
these  remarks  do  not  apply  to  the  editorial  pages  of  first-class 


204  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

papers.  "  A  little  knowledge  is  a  dangerous  thing,"  here  as 
elsewhere.  As  a  remedy  for  over-formality,  I  would  suggest 
copious  doses  of  "  our  best  writers "  and  strict  attention  to 
the  language  of  our  best  speakers. 

A  lady  was  reading  a  manuscript  production  aloud  to  a 
friend,  when  the  latter  exclaimed  in  horror,  "  You  must  alter 
that  —  and  that!"  "If  you  had  seen  the  manuscript,  you 
would  have  known  that  both  those  expressions  were  quoted," 
was  the  reply.  "  One  was  from  Carlyle  and  one  from 
Emerson." 

Where  people  of  imperfect  early  education  have  supple- 
mented it  later  in  life  by  a  course  of  reading,  the  effect  on  their 
pronunciation  is  sometimes  very  curious.  They  know  the 
words  by  sight  but  not  by  sound,  and  will  call  them  "  out  of 
their  names  "  in  a  very  funny  way.  Children  who  have  not 
been  well  trained  in  reading  aloud  fall  into  the  same  errors. 
Hence  it  is  very  important  for  pronunciation,  as  well  as  for 
the  voice,  to  drill  young  people  thoroughly  and  long  in  read- 
ing and  speaking.  A  bright  boy  of  thirteen,  who  was  very 
fond  of  books  and  could  spell  more  than  ordinarily  well, 
ceased  to  attend  the  reading-class  at  his  school  because  his 
parents  thought  it  needless  for  him  to  do  so  any  longer.  But 
when  they  heard  that  boy  say  "  hummid "  for  "  humid," 
"  delic'acy  "  for  "  del'icacy,"  they  sent  him  back  to  his  class 
in  very  short  order.  A  course  of  Webster's  Unabridged  will 
undoubtedly  cure  these  defects,  if  the  patient  has  the  courage 
to  take  it. 

Only  the  State  and  its  rulers  .have  the  right  to  coin 
money ;  and  only  the  kings  of  language  have  the  right  to  coin 
new  words.  They,  the  great  writers  and  thinkers,  may  do  it, 
for  they  do  it  intelligently,  and  will  not  abuse  their  privilege 
by  debasing  the  coinage  or  overcrowding  it ;  but  that  every 
newspaper  writer  should  be  allowed  to  make  new  words  and 
scatter  them  broadcast  over  the  country  is  simply  barbarous. 


ON  VOICE,  LANGUAGE,  AND  ACCENT.        205 

Allusion  is  not  here  made  to  slang  (which  is  the  necessary 
concomitant  of  a  living  language,  and  not  altogether  a  bad 
thing  in  homoaopathic  doses),  but  to  such  dreadful  evolu- 
tions of  speech  as  "  donate,"  "  orate,"  "  walkist,"  "  residen- 
tial," "disconcertion,"  etc.  Occasionally  these  new  words, 
though  barbarous,  have  the  merit  of  filling  a  gap  in  the 
language ;  but  oftener  they  are  invented  for  the  sake  of 
greater  (?)  elegance,  or  for  their  novelty.  But  when  you 
have  the  good  Saxon  words  "  give "  and  "  speak,"  why 
change  them  for  such  weak  words  of  Latin  derivation  as 
"donate"  and  "orate"? 

It  is  a  well-known  rule,  with  few  exceptions,  that  one 
should  choose  words  of  Saxon  rather  than  of  Latin  origin ; 
but  the  grammar-school  or  affected  style  always  takes  the 
Latin  word.  The  person  who  uses  it  may  perhaps  be  quite 
innocent  of  knowing  its  derivation ;  he  likes  it  because  it  is 
long,  and  has  a  learned  sound. 

It  is  well  known  that  the  greatest  writers  use  the  largest 
number  of  different  words,  just  as  the  uneducated  man  uses 
the  fewest.  Sophocles,  the  Greek  professor  at  Harvard,  once 
gave  the  writer  a  very  interesting  account  of  the  different  num- 
ber of  words  used  by  persons  of  different  grades  of  education  ; 
of  all  which  I  can  only  recall  the  fact  that  the  smallest  vocab- 
ulary was  limited  to  a  few  hundred  words,  and  that  of  a 
college  graduate  to  a  few  thousand. 

Shakspeare  used  more  words  than  any  one  writer  in  the 
English  language,  —  about  fifteen  thousand.  Milton  comes 
next,  but  with  a  much  smaller  vocabulary. 

One  of  the  exceptions  to  the  rule  of  using  the  Saxon  word 
in  preference  to  the  Latin  is  found  in  the  word  "  folks." 
It  is  now  considered  inelegant  to  use  this  word  as  applied  to 
a  family  or  number  of  people ;  indeed,  those  who  are  care- 
ful in  their  speech  do  not  use  it  save  in  the  singular  number 
and  in  an  historical  connection,  as  in  "  folk-lore." 


206  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

"  How  are  all  your  folks?"  certainly  has  a  very  barbarous 
sound  to  ears  polite.  And  yet  it  is  hardly  safe,  in  greeting  a 
friend  whom  one  has  not  seen  for  some  time,  to  ask  for  each 
member  of  his  family  separately ;  some  one  may  have  died  or 
gone  crazy  in  the  interim.  But  one  can  always  say  "  How 
are  all  your  family  ] "  because  it  is  a  safe,  noncommittal  sort 
of  inquiry,  and  still  it  covers  the  ground. 

In  the  words  "  waistcoat "  and  "  trousers "  we  find  the 
world  polite  eschewing  once  more  the  French  and  Latin 
equivalent  expressions.  "  Pants  "  and  "  vest "  are  not  used 
by  people  who  are  careful  in  their  speech,  though  they  sanc- 
tion the  rather  outlandish  word  "  knickerbockers,"  as  applied 
to  short  "  trousers  "  for  little  boys. 

While  it  seems  unnecessary  to  speak  of  slang  as  if  those 
who  used  it  were  monsters  of  iniquity,  and  guilty  of  the 
seven  deadly  sins,  still  its  habitual  use  is  much  to  be  depre- 
cated both  as  inelegant  and  unmeaning.  People  use  a  slang 
expression  to  save  themselves  the  trouble  of  defining  precisely 
what  they  mean;  hence  they  become  inexact  and  slovenly 
in  thought  and  speech.  "  Awfully  jolly,"  for  instance,  when 
applied  to  everything,  from  a  new  style  of  bonnet  to  a  surly 
far-from-j  oily-looking  bull-terrier,  ceases  to  have  any  meaning 
at  all,  beyond  the  vague  general  commendation  that  it  implies. 
Another  great  objection  to  slang  is,  that  it  often  has  a  second- 
ary meaning,  and  people  innocently  use  expressions  of  this 
sort  which  they  have  picked  up,  without  being  at  all  aware 
of  the  double-entendre  implied  in  what  they  say. 


CHAPTER   XXTI. 

GESTURES   AND   CARRIAGE. 

THERE  are  no  more  crucial  tests  of  good  breeding  than  a 
man's  carriage,  his  way  of  moving,  and  the  gestures  which 
he  makes.  The  heroine  in  Julian  Hawthorne's  "  Bressant " 
says  of  a  gentleman  :  "  He  was  dressed  like  one ;  not  band- 
boxy,  but  nicely  and  easily,  and  he  stands  and  moves  well." 
You  can  tell  a  race-horse  by  his  gait,  and  a  gentleman  by  his 
walk.  Virgil  uttered  this  same  sentiment  nearly  two  thou- 
sand years  ago,  when  he  said  of  Juno,  Incedo  regina,  —  "I 
walk  (or  move)  a  queen." 

After  the  lapse  of  all  this  time  we  have  not  found  a  better 
phrase  to  express  true  queenly  dignity.  King  Lear's  "  Ay, 
every  inch  a  king  "  voices  much  the  same  thought ;  namely, 
that  majesty  and  high  breeding  are  not  shown  by  the  face 
alone,  but  by  the  carriage  and  attitude  of  the  whole  body. 
It  is  said  that  Queen  Victoria's  bearing  is  very  majestic  and 
imposing,  despite  her  short  stout  figure. 

From  this  it  would  appear  that  a  commanding  stature  or 
even  a  commanding  figure  is  not  essential  to  a  dignified  and 
high-bred  carriage.  What  then  are  the  necessary  elements 
that  go  to  its  composition  ?  Are  they  not  —  first,  a  proper 
self-respect,  second,  the  habit  of  good  society,  and  third,  a 
perfect  command  over  all  the  muscles  1 

The  second  element  is  not  always  at  command ;  but  the 
first  and  third  —  self-respect  and  a  perfect  control  of  one's 
muscles  —  ought  to  be  within  reach  of  most  people. 


208  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

It  has  been  said  that  it  is  very  difficult  to  stand  erect  in 
the  presence  of  a  great  man ;  in  other  words,  people  are  too 
much  inclined  to  truckle  to  those  who  hold  power  of  one 
sort  or  another,  and  in  the  effort  to  do  homage  to  the  great, 
men  barter  their  self-respect,  and  with  it  the  upright  bearing 
of  the  body  which  ought  to  accompany  an  upright  mind. 

The  awkwardness  of  movement  and  carriage  that  is  simply 
physical  and  muscular  can  be  removed  wholly  or  in  part  by 
physical  exercise ;  those  exercises  are  certainly  best  which  use 
all  the  muscles  and  develop  them  symmetrically.  Dancing, 
fencing,  riding  on  horseback,  skating,  playing  tennis,  calis- 
thenics, —  all  are  excellent  for  this  purpose.  Rowing  or  using 
rowing-weights  develops  the  muscles  of  the  upper  part  of  the 
body  and  so  tends  to  make  a  man  top-heavy,  unless  he  supple- 
ments it  with  running  or  some  other  exercise  which  calls  into 
play  the  muscles  of  the  lower  limbs.  Dio  Lewis's  system 
of  calisthenics,  which  is  a  modification,  I  believe,  of  a  German 
system,  is  very  good  for  the  purpose  of  which  we  are  speak- 
ing ;  and  as  the  calisthenics  are  not  violent,  they  are  well 
adapted  for  girls  and  women. 

Hiding  on  horseback  is  said  to  be  one  of  the  most  perfect 
forms  of  exercise,  calling  into  use  all  the  muscles  of  the  body. 
And  yet  Punch  —  that  excellent  authority  on  manners  and 
morals  —  speaks  of  a  dismounted  dragoon  as  bearing  a  strong 
resemblance  to  a  swan  on  a  turnpike  road  !  Which  only 
proves  that  if  one  takes  all  his  exercise  on  a  horse's  back, 
one  may  forget  how  to  walk  well. 

The  sort  of  awkwardness  that  torments  many  people  in  the 
society  of  others  arises  from  an  unhappy  self-consciousness 
which  cramps  the  body  as  well  as  the  mind.  They  take  too 
much  thought  as  to  how  they  are  looking  and  how  they  are 
moving ;  hence  all  the  ease  of  nature  is  lost,  and  they  have 
no  adequate  art  with  which  to  replace  it.  Emerson  says  : 
"  Nature  is  the  best  posture-master.  An  c'uvkward  man  is 


GESTURES  AND  CARRIAGE.  209 

graceful  when  asleep,  or  when  hard  at  work  or  agreeably 
amused.  The  attitudes  of  children  are  gentle,  persuasive, 
royal,  in  their  games  and  in  their  house-talk  and  in  the  street, 
before  they  have  learned  to  cringe." 

If  you  can  get  one  of  these  awkward,  ungainly  youths,  to 
whom  society  means  utter  constraint  and  misery,  to  forget 
himself,  and  to  think  and  talk  about  something  that  interests 
him,  you  will  find  that  he  ceases  to  be  all  arms  and  legs, 
elbows  and  knees,  and  becomes  a  reasonable,  properly  articu- 
lated human  being.  Talk  to  him  about  his  base-ball  nine, 
or  his  studies,  or  some  subject  for  which  he  has  an  enthusiasm, 
and  if  you  can  but  succeed  in  drawing  him  out  and  in 
making  him  think  you  too  care  for  his  hobby  —  presto  ! 
what  a  change  will  take  place  !  Instead  of  the  ugly  duckling 
you  have  a  cygnet. 

I  think  this  power  of  transformation,  which  belongs  to  the 
accomplished  society  woman,  one  of  her  most  delightful  and 
enviable  possessions.  What  can  be  pleasanter  than  to  be  a 
Circe  of  this  kind  1  To  be  able  to  bring  life  and  animation 
into  the  trembling  heart  of  the  shy,  to  drive  away  the 
nightmare  of  mauvaise  honte,  and  to  change  an  awkward 
hobble-de-hoy  into  an  Adonis,  is  a  most  desirable  faculty. 
For  a  young  unmarried  woman  it  may  be  a  dangerous  one. 
If  she  is  too  sympathetic,  she  may  make  a  deeper  impression 
than  she  intends,  and  one  that  the  unhappy  youth  may  retain 
in  his  heart  for  many  a  day. 

It  is  a  bold  saying  of  Emerson,  that  it  is  the  want  of 
thought  that  makes  people  awkward.  "  Give  me  a  thought, 
and  my  hands  and  legs  and  voice  and  face  will  all  go  right. 
And  we  are  awkward  for  want  of  thought.  The  inspiration 
is  scanty,  and  does  not  arrive  at  the  extremities."  This 
seems  at  first  a  startling  hypothesis,  and  one  calculated  to 
makes  the  famous  Lord  Chesterfield  shiver  in  his  genteel 
grave.  But  the  more  one  looks  at  it  the  more  rational  does 

14 


210  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

it  appear.  As  the  seer  OA  Concord  goes  on  to  demonstrate, 
men  of  thought  sometimes  appear  awkward  in  society  be- 
cause they  are  out  of  their  usual  element,  and  the  conversation 
probably  turns  on  subjects  unfamiliar  and  uninteresting  to 
them.  If  the  company  consists,  however,  of  men  and  women 
who  are  intellectual  as  well  as  elegant,  behold,  your  timid 
sage  becomes  an  inspired  lawgiver,  and  his  gestures  adapt 
themselves  to  his  new  and  natural  mood. 

If  another  argument  were  necessary  to  prove  this  saying, 
would  it  not  be  found  in  the  noble  attitudes,  commanding 
and  graceful,  with  which  sculptors  and  painters  in  all  times 
have  clothed  their  inspired  figures,  their  men  and  women 
who  are  filled  with  high  thought  and  purpose  1  Do  not  we 
ourselves,  in  our  minds,  always  invest  high  thinkers  with  a 
noble  bearing  ? 

What  people  were  ever  such  thinkers  as  the  ancient  Greeks, 
and  yet  what  people  were  ever  so  graceful  in  all  their  motions  < 
The  well-known  case  of  Demosthenes  shows  that  they  would 
tolerate  no  inelegance  of  voice  or  gesture ;  while  the  perfection 
of  their  statues  still  gives  the  civilized  world  its  highest  ideal 
of  the  poise  and  attitude  of  the  human  form  divine. 

Let  the  shy  man,  therefore,  endeavor  to  have  thoughts  that 
are  worth  something,  and  above  all  things  let  him  keep  his 
thoughts,  if  possible,  from  dwelling  on  himself.  Let  him 
remember  that  people  are  not  thinking  about  him  nearly  as 
much  as  he  supposes,  —  they  are  all  too  busy  thinking  about 
themselves.  Let  him  especially  avoid  nervous  awkward 
tricks  —  playing  with  his  cane  or  his  hat  or  his  watch-guard. 
If  he  can  once  learn  to  sit  perfectly  still,  he  has  done  a  great 
thing,  although  he  must  beware  of  a  repose  that  is  too  stiff, 
and  he  must  not  look  as  if  he  had  been  frozen  into  one 
special  attitude.  We  Americans  are  too  nervous  and  too 
energetic  to  care  to  sit  entirely  quiet  for  more  than  a  very 
short  time  ;  and  yet  the  ability  to  do  so  in  company  and 


GESTURES  AND  CARRIAGE.  211 

malice  prepense  shows  one  has  reached  the  high-water  mark 
of  good  breeding. 

To  move  well,  to  be  graceful  and  easy  in  manner  while  speak- 
ing,— either  of  these  is  far  easier  than  to  sit  perfectly  still  and 
yet  to  be  free  from  all  awkwardness.  The  grace  of  repose  is  far 
harder  of  attainment  than  the  grace  of  motion.  Talleyrand 
said  of  a  great  statesman,  "He  is  imposing  in  his  own  repose." 
Lord  Bacon  said,  "  Men's  behavior  should  be  like  their  apparel, 
not  too  straight  or  point  device,  but  free  for  exercise  or  motion." 

Goethe,  in  his  "  Wilhelm  Meister,"  thus  admirably  defines 
the  carriage  of  a  person  of  good  breeding  :  — 

"A  well-bred  carriage  is  difficult  to  imitate,  for  in  strictness 
it  is  negative;  and  it  implies  a  long-continued  previous  train- 
ing. You  are  not  required  to  exhibit  in  your  manner  anything 
that  specially  betokens  dignity;  for  by  this  means  you  are  like 
to  run  into  formality  and  haughtiness ;  you  are  rather  to  avoid 
whatever  is  undignified  and  vulgar.  You  are  never  to  forget 
yourself;  are  to  keep  a  constant  watch  upon  yourself  and 
others ;  to  forgive  nothing  that  is  faulty  in  your  own  conduct, 
in  that  of  others  neither  to  forgive  too  little  nor  too  much. 
Nothing  must  appear  to  touch  you,  nothing  to  agitate ;  you 
must  never  overhaste  yourself,  must  ever  keep  yourself  com- 
posed, retaining  still  an  outward  calmness  whatever  storms 
may  rage  within.  The  noble  character  at  certain  moments 
may  resign  himself  to  his  emotions;  the  well-bred  never. 
The  latter  is  like  a  man  dressed  out  in  fair  and  spotless 
clothes ;  he  will  not  lean  on  anything ;  every  person  will  be- 
ware of  rubbing  on  him.  He  distinguishes  himself  from 
others,  yet  he  may  not  stand  apart ;  for  as  in  all  arts,  so  in 
this,  the  hardest  must  at  length  be  done  with  ease ;  the  well- 
bred  man  of  rank,  in  spite  of  every  separation,  always  seems 
united  with  the  people  round  him ;  he  is  never  to  be  stiff  or 
uncomplying ;  he  is  always  to  appear  the  first,  and  never  to 
insist  on  so  appearing. 


212  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

"  It  is  clear,  then,  that  to  seem  well-bred  a  man  must  actu- 
ally be  so.  It  is  also  clear  why  women  generally  are  more 
expert  at  taking  up  the  air  of  breeding  than  the  other  sex  ; 
why  courtiers  and  soldiers  catch  it  more  easily  than  other 
men." 

These  remarks  Goethe  puts  into  the  mouth  of  one  actor 
who  is  advising  another  as  to  how  best  to  play  the  courtier. 

In  our  own  day  we  see  some  very  good  counterfeit  pre- 
sentments of  gentlemen  on  the  stage,  made  by  actors  who 
in  many  instances  have  had  few  advantages  of  early  train- 
ing. And  is  it  not  by  thought  and  study  that  they  succeed 
in  these  representations'?  Nevertheless,  the  imitation  is 
not  quite  perfect.  I  know  a  middle-aged  gentleman  in  New 
York  —  an  aristocrat  by  birth  and  breeding  —  who  dislikes 
very  much  going  to  the  theatre  to  see  "  society  plays,"  be- 
cause, he  says,  the  actors  and  actresses  so  travesty  the  parts  of 
ladies  and  gentlemen  !  This  critic  is  a  person  of  little  imagi- 
nation, as  one  might  guess.  It  is  said  that  Lester  Wallack 
wanted  his  actors  to  attend  a  performance  given  by  amateurs 
at  the  Union  League  Theatre,  that  they  might  get  some 
hints  for  their  own  carriage  and  demeanor  upon  the  stage. 

Affectations  of  carriage  should  be  very  carefully  avoided  by 
those  who  wish  to  attain  elegance  of  poise  and  motion.  True, 
they  are  sometimes  used  by  well-bred  people,  but  it  is  a 
dangerous  matter  to  try  to  counterfeit  them.  Like  flourishes 
in  handwriting,  they  are  always  doubtful  ornaments,  and  in- 
tolerable unless  supremely  well  done.  The  Grecian  bend  and 
Alexandra  limp  seem  very  absurd  as  we  look  back  upon  them, 
but  there  are  affectations  in  vogue  at  the  present  day  that  are 
quite  as  ridiculous.  One  of  these  is  the  custom  —  for  men  — 
of  carrying  the  elbows  raised  and  slightly  projected.  No  doubt 
this  curious  fashion  arises  from  the  worship  of  the  groom 
and  the  stable,  now  so  prevalent  among  young  men  of 
fashion.  It  reminds  one  of  the  "  elbows  square,  wrist 


GESTURES  AND  CARRIAGE.  213 

pliant,"  of  the  stage-driving  hero  of  "  The  Road  to  Ruin." 
But  besides  that  it  is  horsey,  it  is  truculent  as  well,  and 
imparts  a  sort  of  defiant,  arms-akimbo,  fishwife  expression, 
that  often  contrasts  widely  and  curiously  with  the  mild 
look  on  the  countenance  of  the  gentle  dude  who  adopts 
it.  "  Suit  the  action  to  the  word,  the  word  to  the  action," 
said  Hamlet  in  his  famous  directions  to  the  players  ;  and 
the  meaning,  the  language  of  gesture  is  a  thing  we  do 
not  study  half  enough.  The  famous  Frenchman  Delsartes, 
who,  from  a  ragged  street-boy,  grew  to  be  a  great  singer  and 
actor,  crowned  his  life-work  by  a  long  and  arduous  study  oi 
gesture,  —  of  the  language  of  the  body.  He  studied  in  the 
streets,  the  hospitals,  the  theatres,  and  even  the  battlefields, 
and  founded  a  system  which  has  now  many  followers  among 
actors,  artists,  and  others.  Whatever  one  may  think  of  the 
Delsartian  exercises,  —  and  they  are  said  to  impart  flexibility 
and  grace,  a  symmetrical  development  to  the  body,  —  the  sub- 
ject is  one  that  is  full  of  interest.  One  would  hardly  wish  to 
make  a  study  of  every  motion ;  but  it  is  both  agreeable  and 
useful  to  learn  what  construction  such  a  careful  thinker  as 
Delsartes  has  put  upon  different  gestures  ;  nay  more,  to 
learn  what  were  the  results  of  his  long  and  laborious  obser- 
vation. 

The  bow  of  many  fashionable  youths  is  strongly  objected 
to  by  Delsartians,  and  with  good  reason.  A  short,  sharp 
bending  at  the  hips,  with  no  movement  of  the  feet  or  knees, 
the  elbows  curved  outward,  the  chin  poked  forward,  —  what 
grace  is  there  in  a  bow  of  this  sort,  or  what  respect  does  it 
show  ?  It  is  a  mere  mockery  of  a  bow,  and  full  of  self-asser- 
tion. The  bow  should  be  made  first  by  inclining  the  head  ; 
if  you  wish  to  show  more  respect  (and  certainly  a  movement 
of  the  head  alone  can  be  but  a  nod,  quick  or  slow),  the  in- 
clination must  extend  to  the  shoulders,  to  the  waist,  even  to 
the  whole  body  where  you  wish  to  show  deep  respect.  But 


214  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

to  square  back  the  shoulders  like  a  prize-fighter,  and  suddenly 
double  yourself  up  as  if  you  had  received  a  blow  in  the 
stomach,  or  as  if  you  were  made  of  two  pieces  of  wood 
hinged  in  the  centre,  —  surely  this  ought  to  be  an  abomina- 
tion to  gods  and  men  ! 

No  woman  could  be  guilty  of  doing  a  thing  in  such 
shockingly  bad  taste ;  her  intuitions  would  warn  her  against 
it.  It  is  only  the  reflecting  male  animal  that  makes  such 
gross  mistakes  of  "  deportment."  Howells,  in  his  "  Indian 
Summer,"  thus  describes  the  modern  bow:  "  The  officer  whom 
Imogene  had  danced  with  brought  her  to  Mrs.  Bowen  and 
resigned  her  with  the  regulation  bow,  hanging  his  head  down 
before  him  as  if  submitting  his  neck  to  the  axe." 

To  make  a  reverence  !  How  little  that  old  expression  has 
in  common  with  our  modern  bow  !  True,  it  denoted  a  feudal 
condition  of  things  that  would  ill  suit  our  times.  We  do  not 
"  bow  down "  to  idols  in  the  shape  of  people  of  high  rank, 
as  the  world  used  to  do  ;  at  least,  we  say  we  don't. 

According  to  the  observations  of  Delsartes,  the  greater  the 
emotion,  the  more  will  it  extend  over  the  muscles,  until  at 
last  supreme  emotion  affects  the  whole  body.  Hence  the 
artist  who  painted  a  picture  of  despairing  Hagar  with  square 
shoulders,  painted  an  artistic  anomaly.  In  moments  of 
despair  the  whole  body  droops. 

There  is  a  way  of  moving  the  body  from  side  to  side  in 
walking,  which  some  women  use  who  ought  to  know  better. 
It  is  rather  pretty,  even  though  it  savors  of  affectation,  in 
a  brisk  French  nurse-maid  ;  but  in  the  walk  of  a  lady  it 
is  wholly  out  of  place.  Sometimes  this  swinging  motion  is 
made  very  slightly  and  very  slowly.  In  this  case  it  is  less 
objectionable  only  because  there  is  less  of  it.  Another  ugly 
trick  is  that  of  allowing  the  whole  body  to  rise  and  fall  with 
every  step,  so  that  a  man  seems  to  be  walking  with  his 
shoulders  quite  as  much  as  with  his  legs.  This  slouching 


GESTURES  AND  CARRIAGE.  215 

or  jerky  gait  is  to  be  seen  in  some  children,  and  should  cer- 
tainly be  corrected  while  their  muscles  are  still  young  and 
easy  to  bring  under  control. 

Indeed,  most  people  need  to  be  trained  to  walk  well  just 
as  much  as  they  do  to  ride,  drive,  or  dance  well.  A  mincing 
gait  is  extremely  disagreeable  in  a  man,  and  will  always  make 
him  appear  effeminate.  In  the  same  way  women  should 
avoid  a  long  striding  walk,  which  makes  them  look  ungrace- 
ful and  masculine.  Very  high-heeled  shoes,  especially  where 
the  heel  is  placed  very  far  forward  on  the  sole,  give  the  wearer 
a  tottering  ugly  gait  that  reminds  the  beholder  of  the  Chinese 
women,  and  their  absurdly  small  feet.  These  shoes  are  also 
said  to  be  extremely  injurious  to  health,  because  they  throw 
the  body  into  an  unnatural  position. 

A  satirical  writer  thus  commented  on  the  fashionable  gait 
of  the  young  men  of  his  day  :  "  In  receiving  the  attentions  of 
a  male  acquaintance,  remember  to  proportion  your  civility 
to  the  depth  of  his  neckcloth,  the  cleanness  of  his  top-boots, 
or  the  number  of  his  seals.  Take  especial  care  likewise  that 
his  toes  are  significantly  turned  inward  in  walking,  as  it  is 
meant  to  betray  great  skill  in  riding. ' 

The  comments  of  the  Baron  de  Mortemart  Boisse,  on  the 
postures  assumed  by  Americans  thirty  years  ago,  are  both 
shrewd  and  naive  :  "A  French  dandy  desiring  to  see  the 
beauties  of  New  York,  arrives  and  walks  up  Broadway 
on  a  bright  Sunday  morning,  looking  at  the  windows  of  that 
thoroughfare  of  which  he  has  heard  so  much  said.  He  sees 
nothing  but  the  boot-heels  of  the  citizens  of  Broadway ;  prov- 
ing that  the  fashion  in  this  country  is  to  occupy  the  windows 
with  the  feet  and  not  with  the  head.  These  gentlemen 
smoke  their  cigars  and  sit  with  their  legs  in  the  air  and 
their  feet  on  the  window-sash." 

Tennis  and  other  athletic  exercises,  now  so  much  in  favor 
with  young  girls,  no  doubt  assist  greatly  in  producing  a  good 


216  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

muscular  development,  although  tennis  is  such  violent  exer- 
cise that  one  cannot  recommend  women  to  make  use  of  it, 
except  with  a  good  deal  of  caution.  It  is  said  that  the 
habit  of  carrying  burdens  on  the  head  produces  the  finest 
carriage  of  the  body,  and  gives  also  great  freedom  and  elas- 
ticity of  movement.  Certainly  the  free  graceful  walk  of  the 
Italian  peasant  girls  contrasts  very  favorably  with  the  con- 
strained gait  of  many  American  women  tottering  uncertainly 
on  their  high  heels. 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

INTRODUCTIONS. 

WHEN  shall  we  introduce  our  friends  and  acquaintances  to 
one  another,  and  when  shall  we  refrain  from  doing  so  ]  This 
is  a  difficult  question  to  answer,  especially  at  the  present 
moment,  when  the  social  world  in  our  own  country  is  divided 
against  itself  with  regard  to  this  important  subject.  It  may 
be  said  that  we  are  in  a  transition  stage  between  the  old 
theory  of  general  and  frequent  introductions  and  the  new 
one  of  non-introduction. 

Old-fashioned  people,  and  people  who  are  of  a  cordial  dis- 
position, and  dislike  excessive  formality  and  ceremony,  favor 
the  old-school  doctrine;  while  those  who  hold  more  rigid 
views  on  the  subject  of  making  new  acquaintances  incline 
strongly  toward  the  new  theories. 

The  tendency  of  the  present  time  is  certainly  toward  lessen- 
ing the  frequency  of  introductions,  —  a  tendency  which  many 
people  lament  as  lessening  the  cordiality  and  good-fellowship 
of  social  gatherings.  The  modern  doctrine  is  that  no  formal 
introduction  is  necessary  for  those  who  meet  under  a  friend's 
roof ;  that  it  is  entirely  proper  for  people  to  speak  to  one 
another  under  such  circumstances,  thus  avoiding  the  stiffness 
of  sitting  silent,  and  also  avoiding  the  serious  drawback  of 
making  any  undesirable  acquaintances. 

All  this  sounds  very  fair :  and  then  it  is  English,  and  that 
is  sufficient  recommendation  to  many  people.  But  in  reality 


218  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

it  is  a  far  from  democratic  doctrine,  and  has  its  origin,  not 
only  in  a  desire  to  imitate  British  customs,  but  in  a  feeling 
of  exclusiveness  that  is  rapidly  increasing  among  a  certain 
class  of  people  in  our  country.  This  class  "views  with 
alarm  "  the  great  and  growing  army  of  nouveaux  riches  who 
are  springing  up  all  around  us.  To  the  question,  "  Why  have 
not  these  new  people  as  good  a  right  in  society  so-called  as 
you  have  1 "  they  have  no  adequate  answer  to  give,  save  that 
the  "  ins  "  always  want  to  keep  out  the  "  outs."  So  they  are 
very  glad  to  avail  themselves  of  the  polite  fiction  that  it  is 
just  as  pleasant  to  talk  to  some  one  whose  name  you  don't 
know,  and  who  does  n't  know  yours,  and  whom  you  will 
meet  to-morrow  as  a  perfect  stranger,  as  it  is  to  converse  with 
a  person  to  whom  you  have  "been  duly  presented,  and  with 
whom  you  may,  if  agreeable  to  both  parties,  form  a  pleasant 
acquaintanceship  or  perhaps  a  lasting  friendship  ! 

Just  here  some  one  will  say,  "  The  writer  is  full  of  old- 
fashioned  prejudice; "  and,  however  little  we  may  like  the 
new  plan,  certainly  none  of  us  would  wish  to  force  our 
acquaintance  on  those  who  did  not  desire  it. 

An  American  who  was  travelling  in  England  with  his  wife 
received  an  unpleasant  but  amusing  lesson  on  the  subject  of 
which  we  are  speaking.  Happening  to  find  themselves  in 
the  same  railway  carriage  with  an  English  gentleman  and  his 
wife,  our  American  couple  gradually  fell  into  conversation 
with  the  Britons,  whom  they  found  to  be  agreeable  and 
polite  people.  Both  parties  chanced  to  leave  the  train  at  the 
same  station,  the  English  couple  getting  into  a  coronetted 
carriage  which  was  waiting  for  them,  and  the  others  content- 
ing themselves  with  a  plebeian  cab.  The  American,  a  man 
remarkable  for  his  good- breeding  and  politeness,  thought  it 
only  civil  to  bow  a  farewell  to  the  lady  with  whom  he  had 
been  conversing  but  a  moment  before.  To  his  astonishment 
and  indignation  the  lady  responded  with  a  well-bred  but 


INTRODUCTIONS.  219 

stony  stare !  She  no  doubt  regarded  the  salute  as  an  over- 
ture on  the  part  of  the  American  toward  making  her 
acquaintance ;  whereas  he,  in  the  simplicity  of  his  republican 
good  manners,  merely  intended  to  bid  her  a  courteous  and 
eternal  farewell ! 

But  let  us  here  take  up  the  subject  of  introductions  in 
greater  detail.  According  to  the  new  fashion,  if  two  or  three 
or  more  visitors  are  all  calling  upon  a  lady  at  the  same  time, 
she  does  not  introduce  them  to  one  another,  but  endeavors  to 
divide  her  time  and  attention  equally  among  them,  and  ex- 
pects that  they  will  assist  her  by  talking  together.  It  goes 
without  saying  that  many  people  do  not  pay  any  attention 
to  this  rule,  but  adhere  to  the  more  cordial  and  older  cus- 
tom of  introducing  the  different  visitors  to  one  another, 
where  their  number  is  not  too  large.  Of  course  where  a 
great  many  callers  are  present  at  the  same  time,  —  at  an  after- 
noon tea,  for  instance,  or  on  a  lady's  regular  reception-day,  — 
the  hostess  would  not  then  introduce  all  her  visitors  to  one 
another,  because  this  would  be  awkward,  as  are  all  general 
introductions. 

At  afternoon  teas,  kettledrums,  etc.,  many  hostesses  do  not 
introduce  at  all,  especially  if  no  gentlemen  are  present ;  where 
there  are,  more  introductions  take  place,  since  it  is  a  less 
formal  and  less  solemn  matter  to  present  a  gentleman  to  a 
lady  than  to  present  two  ladies  to  each  other. 

At  houses  where  the  hostess  is  more  anxious  that  her 
guests  should  have  a  good  time  than  she  is  to  preserve  great 
state  and  ceremony,  she  will  make  some  introductions  both  on 
afternoon  and  evening  occasions.  Of  course  she  will  exercise 
this  prerogative  with  tact  and  caution,  taking  care  not  to  make 
people  acquainted  where  one  or  both  parties  might  object  to 
the  introduction,  or  where  they  would  be  mutually  unsym- 
pathetic, and  would  have  no  interests  in  common.  She  will 
be  especially  careful  about  introducing  two  ladies  who  live  in 


220  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

the  same  city ;  since  there  may  be  some  special  reason  which 
prevents  their  forming  each  other's  acquaintance,  and  also 
because  such  an  acquaintance  between  dwellers  in  the  same 
city  would  not  be  a  mere  temporary  affair,  as  it  might  be  in 
the  case  of  people  who  lived  at  a  great  distance  from  one 
another. 

With  strangers,  a  hostess  will  feel  much  more  at  liberty  to 
do  as  she  pleases.  The  ancient  traditions  of  hospitality  to- 
wards them  are  not  yet  forgotten ;  and  these  dictate  that  not 
only  the  lady  of  the  house,  but  her  friends  also,  shall  wel- 
come the  stranger  that  is  within  her  gates.  Neither  need  she 
stand  so  much  on  ceremony  with  young  girls  and  men  as 
with  married  ladies  and  older  gentlemen,  although,  to  tell 
the  truth,  it  is  in  young  men  that  she  will  be  most  apt  to 
meet  with  a  want  of  breeding  and  courtesy,  especially  if  she 
wishes  to  introduce  them  to  dancing  partners.  But  where 
a  man  is  a  dancing  man  and  nothing  more,  where  his  sole 
capital  lies  in  his  neels,  perhaps  he  has  a  right  to  economize 
the  use  of  them. 

However,  it  is  clearly  the  duty  of  a  hostess,  at  a  ball  or 
dancing-party,  to  endeavor  to  provide  her  guests  with  part- 
ners, and  for  that  purpose  she  must  either  make  introductions 
herself  or  through  the  help  of  others.  She  must  always  ask 
permission  before  presenting  a  gentleman  to  a  lady,  —  permis- 
sion which  should  never  be  refused  unless  the  lady  has  very 
good  and  strong  reasons  for  declining  to  make  the  gentle- 
man's acquaintance.  Young  men  often  present  each  other  to 
young  ladies,  and  it  is  entirely  proper  that  they  should  do  so 
if  they  have  first  asked  leave.  A  gentleman  may  also  ask  a 
lady,  if  he  know  her  well,  to  introduce  him  to  another  lady 
when  a  proper  opportunity  shall  occur.  Of  course  he  could 
neither  wish  nor  expect  his  friend  to  cross  a  crowded  room 
with  him  to  make  the  introduction ;  because  she  would 
then  be  left  to  make  a  bad  third,  or  else  to  retrace  her  way 


INTRODUCTIONS.  221 

alone.     The  situation  would  be  awkward,  except  for  one  of 
the  ladies  of  the  house. 

Gentlemen  do  not  ask  for  introductions  to  one  another,  be- 
cause they  do  not  generally  wish  to  become  acquainted,  or  if 
one  wishes  to  do  so  he  very  properly  hesitates  to  force  him- 
self on  the  attention  of  another  person,  who  may  be  unwilling 
to  know  him.  Ladies  do  not,  under  ordinary  circumstances, 
ask  for  introductions  to  one  another,  for  reasons  which  will 
be  very  readily  understood  from  what  has  gone  before.  If 
one  lady  does  ask,  however,  the  person  to  whom  she  applies 
should  find  out  before  making  the  introduction  whether  it 
will  be  agreeable  to  the  other  lady. 

An  exception  to  this  rule,  both  for  ladies  and  gentlemen, 
is  found  in  the  case  where  they  are  invited  especially  to  meet 
some  person.  One  not  only  has  a  right  to  ask  to  be  presented 
to  the  guest  of  the  evening,  but  not  to  do  so  would  often 
show  a  lack  of  courtesy.  At  a  very  large  gathering,  or  where 
the  honored  guest  is  a  person  of  distinction,  one  should  not 
be  too  forward  about  pressing  one's  claims,  especially  if  the 
guest  be  already  talking  with  people  of  more  importance,  or 
with  those  who  might  be  more  agreeable  to  him.  Modesty 
is  usually  a  safe  virtue  to  cultivate. 

Another  exception  to  the  rule  is  found  in  cases  where  it  is 
evident,  from  the  circumstances,  that  the  hostess  has  omitted 
the  introduction,  either  from  forgetfulness,  or  because  she 
supposes  that  the  ladies  already  know  each  other.  In  this 
case  a  lady  might  ask  the  hostess  to  make  the  introduction. 

If  a  gentleman  meets  in  the  street  two  ladies,  one  of 
whom  he  knows,  and  if  he  joins  them,  he  should  be  pre- 
sented to  the  lady  whom  he  does  not  know,  in  order  to 
avoid  awkwardness.  But  if  he  merely  stopped  a  moment  to 
speak  to  a  lady,  she  would  not  then  introduce  him  to  her 
friend,  unless  she  especially  wished  to  do  so,  and  had  reason 
to  suppose  that  the  introduction  would  be  agreeable  to  both 


222  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

parties.  In  all  casual  meetings  in  the  street,  in  travelling,  at 
the  theatre,  etc.,  —  meetings,  in  short,  on  neutral  ground, 
and  where  there  is  no  hostess,  the  rule  should  be  not  to 
make  undue  haste  to  introduce  people,  but  to  do  so  when- 
ever it  is  necessary  to  avoid  awkwardness,  or  to  avoid  the 
appearance  of  neglect  or  rudeness  to  the  friend  in  whose 
company  one  was  at  first. 

Street  introductions  are  much  like  what  lawyers  call  street 
opinions ;  that  is,  they  are  easily  given  and  do  not  amount 
to  much.  A  lawyer  does  not  expect  to  be  bound  by  a 
"  street  opinion  ; "  nor  need  any  one  who  does  not  wish  to,  be 
bound  by  a  casual  introduction  of  this  sort  given  as  a  matter 
of  form,  and  where  no  real  acquaintanceship  has  been  made 
between  the  parties.  As  a  lady,  however,  has  the  privilege 
of  bowing  or  not  bowing  to  a  gentleman  so  introduced  to  her, 
he  should,  when  he  next  meets  her,  give  her  an  opportunity 
of  recognizing  him  in  case  she  may  wish  to  do  so. 

The  form  of  double  presentation,  as  "Mrs.  A.  —  Mrs.  B., 
Mrs.  B.  —  Mrs.  A.,"  has  now  gone  out  of  fashion,  which  is  a 
pity  on  one  account ;  and  that  is,  because  it  gave  the  intro- 
ducer neutral  ground  to  stand  upon,  and  neither  party  could 
complain  because  the  other  one's  name  had  been  spoken  first. 
Where  Mrs.  B.  is  of  about  the  same  age  as  Mrs.  A.,  it  would 
be  proper  to  avoid  this  difficulty  as  far  as  possible  by  saying, 
"  Mrs.  A.,  this  is  Mrs.  B.,"  and  at  the  same  time  pronouncing 
the  two  names  with  equal  emphasis.  Single  ladies  should  be 
presented  to  married  ones,  and  younger  ladies  to  older  ones. 
The  formula,  "  Mrs.  A.,  allow  me  to  present  Mrs.  B.,"  is  used 
in  formal  presentations  only  ;  but  the  name  of  the  older  or 
more  important  person  should  be  spoken  first. 

A  well-known  society  belle  and  a  very  charming  woman 
was  asked  recently  what  her  views  were  on  the  subject  of 
introductions.  "  I  never  make  them  when  I  can  avoid  doing 
so/'  she  replied.  "  What  would  be  the  use  1  People  do  not 


INTRODUCTIONS.  223 

thank  you  for  extending  their  circle  of  acquaintance  ;  of  course 
in  the  case  of  strangers  it  is  a  different  matter.  I  should 
introduce  a  stranger  to  any  one  whom  I  thought  it  would  be 
agreeable  for  him  to  know ;  and  I  should  do  it  with  as  little 
formality  as  possible.  For  instance,  I  should  perhaps  say, 
'  Mr.  Thompson,  you  know  Mr.  Great  West,  do  you  not  ? ' 
or,  '  Mr.  Thompson,  I  want  you  to  know  Mr.  Great  West.' 
I  should  not  take  one  up  to  the  other  if  I  could  avoid 
doing  so.  If  one  gentleman  joined  me  in  the  street  while 
I  was  walking  with  another,  I  should  certainly  not  introduce 
the  former  to  the  latter ;  because  he  would  have  no  business 
to  join  me  unless  he  knew  the  gentleman  with  whom  I  was 
walking ;  and  I  would  not  allow  myself  to  be  made  a  pre- 
text by  one  man  who  sought  the  acquaintance  of  another." 
In  this  little  speech  we  have  the  key-note  of  the  modern 
theory,  —  the  avoidance  of  all  formal  presentations  wherever 
it  is  possible  to  avoid  them. 

When  one  lady  has  asked  for  an  introduction  to  another, 
of  course  it  is  proper  to  present  the  lady  who  has  made  the 
request,  to  the  lady  whom  she  has  expressed  a  desire  to 
know,  if  the  latter  consents  to  the  introduction.  Although 
we  have  neither  rank  nor  titles  in  this  country,  still  we 
accord  the  "  pas  "  to  men  and  women  whose  genius  has  won 
them  distinction,  military,  political,  literary  or  artistic ;  and 
to  such  people  those  of  lesser  mark  should  be  presented, 
as  a  rule,  always  remembering  that  a  lady  must  never  be 
presented  to  a  gentleman,  no  matter  how  distinguished  he 
may  be,  —  the  gentleman  should  always  be  presented  to  the 
lady. 

Many  years  ago,  when  Paul  Morphy  the  chess-playez  was  at 
the  height  of  his  fame,  an  entertainment  was  given  for  him 
in  Boston.  The  host,  with  more  zeal  than  discretion,  asked 
a  lady  who  was  well  known  in  Boston  society  if  she  would 
not  like  to  be  presented  to  tho  lion  of  the  evening.  "  I  should 


224  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

be  very  happy,"  she  replied,  "  to  have  Mr.  Paul  Morphy 
presented  to  me,  but  I  do  not  wish  to  be  presented  to  him" 
The  distinction  thus  made  was  entirely  correct,  although  it  is 
one  which  Americans  sometimes  forget  in  the  national  pas- 
sion for  lion-hunting.  In  presenting  a  gentleman  to  a  lady 
one  may  say,  "  Miss  A.,  allow  me  to  present  [or  to  introduce] 
Mr.  B. ;  "  although,  to  tell  the  truth,  little  is  usually  heard 
of  the  ceremony  of  introduction  beyond  the  names.  Even 
these  are  sometimes  ruthlessly  massacred,  or  lost  amid  the 
surrounding  noise  and  confusion.  One  should  always  try  to 
pronounce  names  very  distinctly  in  introducing  people ;  and 
where  one  or  both  persons  are  well  known  on  any  account, 
it  is  perhaps  well  to  point  this  out  in  some  way,  —  by  giving 
the  person's  full  name  and  title,  for  instance,  as,  "  Miss  Jones, 
allow  me  to  present  Dr.  Oliver  Wendell  Holmes  to  you  ; "  or, 
"  Miss  Jones,  this  is  Dr.  Murfree,  the  inventor  of  —  "  etc. 

Some  celebrities  who  are  of  a  modest  turn  of  mind  object 
decidedly,  however,  to  hearing  their  deeds  or  qualities  re- 
hearsed; how  much  more  do  the  brothers,  sisters,  wives,  and 
daughters  of  distinguished  people  object  to  being  placarded 
with  such  a  title  as,  "  Sister  of  the  Member  from  Missouri," 
for  instance.  There  is  nothing  more  exasperating  than  to  go 
through  life  as  the  brother  of  a  great  man  ;  it  condemns 
a  man  forever  to  a  secondary  place,  and  he  feels,  perhaps 
keenly,  that  whatever  lie  can  do  to  make  an  honorable  name 
for  himself,  that  name  will  always  seem  as  nothing  in  the 
shadow  of  the  greater  one  which  eclipses  it.  How  un- 
pleasant it  must  be  for  the  Marquis  of  Lome  to  be  known 
always  as  the  brother-in-law  of  the  Prince  of  Wales  or  the 
son-in-law  of  Queen  Victoria,  instead  of  as  the  heir  to  one 
of  the  oldest  and  most  honorable  titles  of  the  British  em- 
pire, —  that  of  Duke  of  Argyle  !  With  the  son  or  daughter 
of  a  distinguished  man  the  case  is  not  as  bad  ;  but  still  it  is 
not  quite  pleasant  for  either  of  them  to  have  a  person  give  a 


INTRODUCTIONS.  225 

look  that  plainly  says,  "  Well,  I  should  have  liked  to  see  your 
father,  but  that  does  not  make  me  glad  to  see  you ! " 

Should  one  shake  hands  with  a  person  when  introduced 
to  him  ?  It  is  our  ordinary  custom  to  do  so  in  America,  and 
the  custom  is  a  pleasant  and  cordial  one.  Gentlemen  always 
shake  hands  when  they  are  introduced  to  one  another  ;  ladies 
do  so  as  a  rule  when  they  are  introduced  to  other  ladies  ; 
when  gentlemen  are  presented  to  them,  many  ladies  offer 
their  hands,  especially  if  they  are  married,  or  no  longer  very 
young.  Young  ladies  often  merely  make  a  bow  or  a  courtesy, 
particularly  if  they  know  that  they  do  so  gracefully.  Much 
depends,  of  course,  on  the  time  and  place  where  the  introduc- 
tion is  made. 

In  the  ball-room  the  latest  and  most  elegant  fashion  is 
simply  for  the  lady  to  courtesy  and  the  gentleman  to  bow  ; 
on  less  ceremonious  occasions  a  lady  would  usually  shake 
hands.  Where  informal  introductions  are  made,  or  intro- 
ductions merely  to  prevent  awkwardness,  as  in  the  case 
of  several  callers  meeting  in  a  parlor,  or  in  other  chance 
rencontres,  no  hand-shaking  is  necessary.  Again,  much  will 
depend  upon  whether  the  people  who  are  made  acquainted 
with  each  other  through  an  introduction  are  entire  strangers, 
or  whether  they  already  know  something  of  one  another  by 
report.  Thus  a  lady  would  shake  hands  with  a  gentleman 
who  was  a  friend  of  her  husband  or  brother,  or  of  an  intimate 
friend  of  her  own. 

It  is  the  lady's  privilege  to  offer  her  hand  first,  as  it  is  to 
bow  first ;  but  as  in  these  matters,  just  as  in  duels,  everything 
happens  quickly  if  not  simultaneously,  a  lady  should  accept 
a  gentleman's  hand  if  he  offers  it,  to  avoid  awkwardness. 

In  her  own  house  a  lady  should,  in  her  capacity  of  hostess, 
shake  hands  with  those  who  are  introduced  to  her  as  well  as 
with  all  her  other  guests,  —  except  in  case  of  a  large  ball  or 
ceremonious  reception,  where,  as  has  been  said  elsewhere, 

15 


226  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

she  may  merely  receive  them  with  a  courtesy  if  she  prefers 
to  do  so.  The  custom  of  making  general  introductions  — 
of  introducing  a  new-comer  to  a  whole  roomful  of  people 
—  has  quite  gone  out  of  fashion,  lingering  only  in  quiet 
country  places.  It  is  not  to  be  regretted,  since  it  sub- 
jected a  stranger  to  a  most  trying  ordeal,  in  which  he  almost 
invariably  made  a  bow  to  the  wrong  person.  It  is  now 
usual,  at  a  lunch  or  dinner,  to  present  a  stranger  shortly 
after  his  arrival  to  one  or  two  persons,  and  afterward  to 
others,  as  circumstances  permit. 


CHAPTER   XXIV. 

LETTERS   OF  INTRODUCTION. 

IN  this  age  of  universal  travelling,  letters  of  introduction 
fly  about  as  freely  as  commercial  paper,  and  sometimes  with 
equally  disastrous  results.  If  one  is  going  to  England,  the 
Continent,  or  even  to  our  own  Pacific  Coast,  it  is  as  necessary 
to  have  these  documents,  in  order  to  see  anything  of  social 
life,  as  it  is  to  have  a  letter  of  credit  to  pay  one's  hotel  bills. 
Hence  people  importune  their  friends  to  give  them  letters, 
and  the  friends,  in  a  moment  of  weakness  or  carelessness, 
write  letters  of  introduction  when  they  have  really  no  right 
to  do  so. 

There  are  two  points  which  should  be  very  carefully  con- 
sidered before  giving  letters,  and  these  are  —  lirst,  has  one  a 
right  to  do  so  ;  and  second,  will  the  introduction  be  agreeable 
to  both  parties  1  To  relatives,  intimate  friends,  those  whom 
one  has  received  and  entertained  in  one's  own  house  or 
country,  and  to  those  who  expressly  give  one  leave  to  do  so, 
one  may  certainly  send  letters  introducing  other  friends. 
But  because  people  have  been  polite  and  kind  to  us,  be- 
cause they  have  received  and  entertained  us,  —  this  gives  us 
no  right  whatever  to  call  for  further  favors  from  them.  This 
ought  to  be  as  clear  as  day,  one  would  think ;  and  yet  our 
countrymen,  misled  probably  by  the  cordiality  of  their  Eng- 
lish hosts,  sometimes  err  in  this  respect. 

Thus  a  distinguished  American,  Mr. ,  once  met  on  his 

own  doorsteps  the  Englishman  to  whom  he  (Mr. )  was 


228  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

bringing  a  letter  of  introduction.  The  latter  read  it,  and 
with  true  British  rudeness  tore  it  up  before  the  face  of  the 
bearer,  saying,  "  This  person  has  no  right  to  send  letters  to 
me  ! "  He  added,  however,  with  true  British  hospitality,  that 
he  was  exceedingly  glad  to  make  the  distinguished  man's 
acquaintance  for  his  own  sake,  and  treated  him  with  just  as 
much  courtesy  and  consideration  —  after  that  first  dreadful 
act  —  as  if  he  had  brought  the  most  powerful  letters  of 
recommendation.  Tt  is  when  one  meets  with  such  little 
contretemps  as  this,  that  one  realizes  the  value  of  knowing 
and  obeying  the  laws  of  etiquette.  The  silken  strands  of 
their  network  are  usually  invisible,  and  are  so  loosely  drawn 
that  we  feel  no  pressure  from  them  ;  but  when  they  do  come 
to  light,  when  they  do  become  strained,  we  find  they  can  cut 
and  gall  very  deeply. 

Even  where  one  has  a  right,  however,  to  give  letters  of 
introduction,  one  should  use  it  very  carefully,  remembering 
that  their  acceptance  entails  a  hospitality  that  may  be  burden- 
some to  one's  friend,  and  also  that  two  people  will  not  neces- 
sarily be  congenial  to  each  other  because  they  both  happen 
to  be  friends  of  a  third  person. 

The  most  approved  way  to  deliver  a  letter  of  introduction 
is  to  leave  it  with  one's  card,  not  asking,  however,  to  see  the 
person  to  whom  it  is  addressed.  This  rule  is  not  always 
clearly  understood  in  the  United  States.  Two  English 
ladies  who  were  staying  in  New  York  once  came  in  their 
carriage  to  leave  a  letter  of  introduction  with  their  cards, 
according  to  strict  etiquette.  The  New  York  ladies  to  whom 
the  letter  was  addressed,  responded  very  properly  by  calling 
on  the  British  dames  and  inviting  them  to  lunch.  What  was 
the  horror  of  the  latter,  however,  when  their  new  acquaint- 
ances, meaning  to  be  particularly  polite,  said  that  they  were 
so  very  sorry  not  to  have  seen  the  English  ladies  when  they 
called  !  Of  course  the  English  ladies  had  not  intended  mak- 


LETTERS  OF  INTRODUCTION.  229 

ing  any  call  beyond  the  formal  card-leaving.  On  the  Conti- 
nent, where  it  is  the  custom  for  new-comers  to  call  upon  the 
residents  of  a  place  first,  this  rule  need  not  be  observed. 

The  reason  of  the  rule  is  very  obvious.  To  deliver  a  letter 
of  introduction  in  person,  and  wait  below  while  it  is  read, 
like  a  tradesman  with  a  bill  or  a  servant  with  a  recommenda- 
tion, certainly  does  not  put  one  in  a  very  dignified  position. 
It  also  in  a  measure  compels  the  recipient  of  the  letter  to 
see  you  whether  he  wishes  to  do  so  or  not.  Where  you  wish 
to  see  him  on  business,  or  when  time  presses,  it  is  proper  to 
wait  and  see  whether  he  will  be  able  to  receive  you. 

If  a  gentleman  brings  a  letter  of  introduction  to  a  lady, 
he  may  also,  if  he  pleases,  send  up  his  card  and  ask  whether 
it  will  be  convenient  for  her  to  receive  him.  She  will  feel 
less  constrained  to  do  so  than  she  would  in  the  case  of  a 
feminine  visitor;  besides,  there  would  here  be  no  question 
of  which  should  call  first,  as  there  would  be  between  two 
ladies. 

When  one  calls  in  acknowledgment  of  cards  left  with  a 
letter  of  introduction,  it  is  necessary  to  go  in  if  the  lady  or 
gentleman,  as  the  case  may  be,  is  at  home.  Nor  are  all 
the  duties  of  politeness  incumbent  on  the  person  alone  to 
whom  the  letter  is  addressed.  The  person  introduced  should 
also  take  great  pains  to  receive  "  letter-visitors,"  when  they 
call  upon  him,  with  cordiality  and  politeness,  instead  of 
imitating  the  conduct  of  one  distinguished  Euglishman  in 
this  country,  who  took  out  of  his  pocket  a  list  of  people 
to  whom  he  had  brought  letters  of  introduction  and  ran 
it  over  in  the  presence  of  his  visitor,  saying,  "  Smith,  Smith, 
Smith,  —  let  me  see  where  that  name  is  on  my  list !  " 

While  it  is  extremely  desirable  to  be  furnished  with  a 
number  of  letters  of  introduction  when  one  is  about  to  go 
to  Europe,  it  is  nevertheless  highly  indelicate  to  ask  mere 
acquaintances  for  these  social  passports.  Not  only  would 


230  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

this  be  asking  a  favor  where  one  had  no  right  to  do  so,  but 
it  would  also  be  putting  the  acquaintance  in  an  awkward 
dilemma.  If  he  were  good-natured  he  would  not  wish  to 
disoblige  the  person  who  had  made  the  request;  neither 
would  he  wish  to  introduce  to  his  friends  some  one  about 
whom  he  knew  very  little,  and  who  might  be  extremely 
uncongenial  to  them.  It  is  rash  to  give  letters  unless  to 
people  whom  one  knows  well,  or  at  least  knows  all  about ; 
and  it  is  especially  rash  to  give  letters  to  foreigners,  unless 
they  can  "  read  their  title  clear "  beyond  any  doubt  or 
peradventure. 

Letters  of  introduction  should  always  be  left  unsealed, 
as  a  token  that  the  bearer  is  at  liberty  to  read  them.  Hence, 
they  should  be  brief,  giving  the  full  name  and  residence  of  the 
person  introduced,  but  avoiding  a  multitude  of  compliment- 
ary phrases.  A  modest  man  will  dislike  to  deliver  a  letter 
containing  a  high-sounding  panegyric  on  himself. 

It  is  usually  sufficient  to  say  that  Mr.  C.  T.  Brooks  of 
Sheffield  is  a  friend  of  the  writer,  that  any  attention  which 
it  may  be  convenient  to  show  him  will  be  a  personal  favor, 
and  that  one  has  no  doubt  the  acquaintance  thus  begun 
will  be  mutually  agreeable  to  both  parties.  On  receiving 
such  a  letter  one  should  call  in  a  day,  and  the  person  in- 
troduced should  return  the  call  quite  promptly,  —  say  in 
a  week.  It  is  also  necessary  to  show  a  new  acquaintance 
whatever  attentions  are  in  one's  power, — to  invite  him  to 
dinner,  enter  his  name  at  one's  club,  or  at  least  take  him  to 
the  theatre,  or  show  him  about  the  city  or  place  in  which 
one  lives. 


CHAPTER   XXV. 

LETTERS   AND  NOTES. 

As  the  steel  pen  drove  out  its  gentle  brother  the  quill, 
so  it  in  turn  is  being  driven  out  by  the  telegraph  wire,  the 
type-writer,  and  the  thousand  other  novel  agencies  which 
are  constantly  springing  up  in  our  midst  as  if  by  magic. 
People  do  not  have  time  in  this  busy  age  to  write  letters, 
in  the  old-fashioned  sense  of  the  word.  The  telegraph  wire 
is  such  a  convenient  medium  for  letting  one's  friends  know 
of  one's  well-being,  that  people  of  means  do  not  hesitate  to 
use  it  daily,  instead  of  writing  to  their  families ;  while  for 
business  communications,  the  type-writer  saves  the  busy  man 
from  the  drudgery  of  handling  the  pen.  Probably  the  most 
luxurious  method  is  that  of  employing  a  stenographer  to  take 
down  the  golden  utterances  of  a  merchant  prince,  whose 
words,  however  worthless  to  posterity,  have  a  momentous 
market  value  altogether  beyond  the  conception  of  a  mere 
outsider.  As  these  great  men  speak,  stocks  —  nay,  the  fate 
of  nations  —  rise  and  fall. 

Steam  is  too  slow  a  medium  for  conveying  our  thoughts 
in  these  days.  We  feel  about  it  much  as  Charles  La:nb  did 
in  regard  to  writing  letters  to  his  friend  in  Australia,  —  letters 
which  would  be  many  months  old  ere  they  could  reach  their 
destination.  With  playful  wit  he  shows  the  folly  of  send- 
ing such  communications,  of  exporting  such  stale  news ;  and 
the  modern  world  finds  six  days  to  be  as  long  and  tedious  as 
he  found  six  months  ! 


232  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Still,  though  we  are  too  impatient  either  to  write  or  read 
the  long  and  courtly  letters  of  our  grandparents'  days,  we  do 
write  a  great  many  notes  of  one  sort  and  another,  and  in  some 
respects  we  are  more  critical  about  those  we  receive  than 
were  our  forefathers.  We  insist  that  our  correspondents  shall 
spell  correctly,  that  they  shall  write  handsome  or  at  least  fair 
hands,  and  that  they  shall  write  straight.  In  looking  over 
old  manuscripts,  one  is  struck  with  the  school-boy  appear- 
ance of  the  chirography,  and  with  the  almost  more  than 
school-boy  quaintness  of  spelling.  People  certainly  write 
much  better  than  they  did  fifty  or  a  hundred  years  ago. 
We  have  improved  in  the  manner,  if  not  in  the  matter  of  our 
communications. 

It  has  been  said  elsewhere  in  this  volume  that  to  use  ruled 
paper  for  writing  invitations  is  considered  very  "  bad  form." 
Ruled  paper  should  be  kept  for  business  communications 
only.  Those  who  have  not  learned  to  write  straight  must 
content  themselves  with  using  lines  under  their  paper. 

The  forms  and  colors  of  note-paper  are  so  constantly 
changing  and  shifting,  that  it  is  hard  to  lay  down  any  last- 
ing rules  in  regard  to  styles.  But  it  is  always  safe  to 
choose  plain,  substantial  paper,  either  white  or  of  some  light 
tint,  and  to  avoid  bright  or  striking  colors,  eccentric  shapes, 
etc.  Perfectly  plain  thick  white  paper  is  preferred  at  the 
present  moment.  French  water-lined  paper  is  not  much  in 
favor  now,  but  it  is  always  allowable  to  use  it  for  letters, 
especially  if  it  is  white.  For  notes  of  invitation  it  is  hardly 
heavy  enough,  the  thinness  of  the  paper  seeming  to  denote 
a  want  of  formality,  an  absence  of  starch,  which  these  mis- 
sives require.  Rather  small  note-paper  of  the  best  quality 
should  be  used  for  writing  and  answering  invitations.  Mono- 
grams are  little  used  now,  although  some  persons  still  fancy 
them.  A  lady's  initials,  copied  from  her  own  handwriting, 
are  sometimes  placed  diagonally  across  the  left-hand  corner 


LETTERS  AND  NOTES.  233 

of  the  sheet ;  but  the  envelope  must  be  perfectly  plain.  An 
excellent  and  popular  fashion  is  to  have  one's  address — in 
colored  letters,  usually  blue —  engraved  at  th3  head  of  one's 
note-paper.  The  address  and  date  should  always  be  put 
either  at  the  beginning  or  at  the  end  of  a  letter.  For  notes, 
the  latter  is  usually  preferred.  It  is  better,  in  dating,  to  use 
both  the  day  of  the  week  and  the  day  of  the  month,  though 
for  a  note  the  day  of  the  week  is  sufficient.  In  a  letter,  the 
date  of  the  year  is  given ;  in  a  note,  it  is  not.  The  new 
business  method  of  dating,  whereby  the  name  of  the  month 
is  omitted  and  its  number  substituted,  is  surely  a  most 
senseless  innovation.  "7 — 11 — 87"  may  mean  either  the 
seventh  day  of  the  eleventh  month,  or  the  eleventh  day  of 
the  seventh  mouth.  At  best,  this  mode  gives  people  the 
trouble  of  calculating  the  number  of  the  month ;  because 
they  do  not  always  remember,  unless  they  stop  to  think,  that 
October  is  the  tenth  month,  and  not  the  eighth,  as  its  name 
implies. 

A  commercial  or  clerk-like  hand  is  not  a  desirable  one  to 
cultivate ;  not  only  does  it  smack  too  much  of  the  counting- 
room,  but  it  is  too  precise  and  formal,  too  much  lacking  in 
all  originality  and  spontaneity.  While  every  one  should  be 
carefully  trained  to  write  a  good  hand  —  handsome,  even, 
and  legible  —  he  should  be  trained  to  write  his  own  hand, 
and  not  simply  to  imitate  some  one's  else.  It  is  sometimes 
amusing  to  read  the  advertisements  of  certain  wonderful  sys- 
tems of  instruction  in  writing,  and  to  note  the  specimens 
written  "  before  "  and  "  after  "  instruction.  To  many  of  us 
it  would  seem  that  a  deterioration  had  taken  place  in  the 
latter,  and  a  good  honest  individual  handwriting,  sometimes 
a  handsome  one,  changed  to  a  meaningless  scroll-bedecked 
copperplate  script. 

Lord  Chesterfield  says  in  his  letters  to  his  son  :  "I  do  not 
desire  you  to  write  a  stiff,  formal  hand,  like  that  of  a  school- 


234  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

roaster,  but  a  genteel,  legible,  and  liberal  character."  Flour- 
ishes in  a  signature,  except  for  a  writing-master  or  a  really 
great  man,  seem  pretentious  and  out  of  place. 

The  extremely  pointed  English  or  Italian  character,  so 
much  in  vogue  a  few  years  ago,  is  now  less  fashionable  than 
it  was,  which  is  surely  a  subject  for  thankfulness,  as  this  spe- 
cial variety  of  ladies'  handwriting  is  exceedingly  illegible. 

Great  care  should  always  be  taken  to  fold  and  direct  a 
letter  neatly,  and  to  put  on  the  stamp  evenly,  in  the  proper 
corner.  Would  that  we  could  use  stamped  envelopes !  But 
Dame  Fashion  excludes  these  from  genteel  correspondence, 
because  they  are  cheap,  and  perhaps  seem  careless.  Fashion 
is  a  very  exacting  task-mistress,  and  usually  expects  us  to 
choose  the  more  difficult  path,  where  two  lie  open  In  fold- 
ing a  letter,  care  should  always  be  taken  to  fold  it  right 
side  up  ;  that  is,  so  that  the  person  who  receives  it  shall 
not  have  to  turn  it,  after  taking  it  out  of  the  envelope,  in 
order  to  read  it. 

Sealing-wax,  the  use  of  which  had  almost  died  out  in  this 
country,  has  taken  a  new  hold  on  public  favor,  and  among 
the  elegant  appointments  of  a  writing-desk,  sealing-wax  and 
taper  are  now  to  be  reckoned.  No  one  should  use  wax 
who  cannot  make  an  even,  handsome,  clearly-marked  seal ; 
because  a  slovenly  one  looks  much  worse  than  none. 

A  new  method  of  writing  is  to  write  on  the  first  and 
fourth  sides  of  a  sheet,  and  then  opening  it,  and  turning  it 
the  other  way,  to  write  across  the  third  and  second  sides 
continuously. 

"My  dear  Mr.  Lempriere,"  or  "Dear  Mr.  Lempriere," — 
which  is  the  more  formal  1  This  is  a  question  that  is  some- 
times asked ;  but  whatever  arguments  may  be  used  in  favor 
of  either  form  of  address  in  the  abstract,  ordinary  custom,  in 

this  country  at  least,  has  adopted  "  My  dear  Mr. "  as 

the  usual  form  for  beginning  a  letter  :  hence  when  the  "  My  '' 


LETTERS  AND  NOTES.  235 

is  dropped,  greater  familiarity  is  implied,  because  less  cere- 
mony is  used.  If  one  wishes  to  be  still  more  formal,  it  is 
very  easy  to  be  so. 


.    %/tn    Jtaffant,     OR 

<7 

I^WM   deat  <Jrt,       OK 


would  be  the  proper  way  to  begin  a  letter  in  such  a  case. 

An  excellent  English  authority  says,  "An  unmarried  lady 
cannot  address  a  gentleman  as  '  My  dear  Sir,'  unless  she  is 
very  old,  and  he  too.  It  should  be  '  Dear  Sir.'  "  It  is  rather 
difficult  to  say  which  is  the  more  familiar  of  these  two  forms, 
and  the  question  which  of  them  should  be  used  seems  of  very 
little  importance,  since  both  are  decidedly  formal.  Formal 
letters  to  clergymen  begin  "  Reverend  and  dear  Sir." 

The  signature  should  always  include  the  full  name,  or  the 
last  name  with  the  initials.  Nicknames,  such  as  "  Carrie," 
"  Bessie,"  should  never  be  signed  to  any  letters  save  those 
written  to  relatives  or  very  intimate  friends.  An  older  lady 
writing  to  a  yoxinger  one  would  not  sign  her  Christian  name, 
but  would  sign  herself  "  R.  V.  Bacon ; "  the  same  signature 
should  be  used  in  writing  business  letters,  letters  to  servants, 
etc.  It  is  not  considered  allowable  to  sign  one's  name  as 
"Mrs.  R.  V.  Bacon,"  or  "Miss  A.  B.  Bacon."  If  it  is  desirable 
to  let  one's  correspondent  know  by  what  title  he  is  to  address 
one,  it  is  very  easily  done  by  inserting  this  formula  :  "  Please 
address  Mrs.  R.  V.  Bacon."  A  woman  of  business  once 
signed  her  name  thus :  "  (Miss)  Brooks  of  Sheffield,"  and  hor 


236  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

correspondent,  taking  the  "  Miss  "  as  a  gentle  bint,  gallantly 
answered  her  with  an  offer  of  marriage!  The  custom  of 

signing  circulars  or  business  communications  with  Miss 

or  Mrs. seems  to  be  growing  in  public  favor,  neverthe- 
less the  form  should  be  avoided  wherever  it  is  possible  to 
do  so. 

The  signature  should  correspond  with  the  tone  of  a  letter. 
"  Yours  with  much  regard,"  "  With  kind  regards  believe  me 
yours  cordially,"  are  friendly,  but  still  somewhat  ceremonious. 
"Yours  truly,"  "  Yours  very  truly,"  "  Sincerely  yours,"  "  Very 
sincerely  yours,"  "  Faithfully  yours,"  "  Cordially  yours," 
" Aff'ly  yours,"  "Affectionately  yours,"  —  this  list  shows  a 
sliding  scale  from  most  to  least  formal.  "Yours  respect- 
fully "  is  only  used  for  business  letters,  or  in  writing  to  a 
superior  —  either  in  age  or  position.  "  Yours  truly,"  or 
"Very  truly  yours"  are  also  reserved  for  business  letters. 
"  Your  obedient  servant "  is  much  used  in  formal  and  busi- 
ness letters,  and  is  always  dignified  and  courteous. 

The  old  custom  was  to  write  to  servants  or  tradespeople  in 
the  third  person.  It  is  sometimes  done  now,  but  except  for 
a  very  short  communication  it  is  an  undesirable  form,  because 
awkward  and  indirect ;  besides,  it  is  undemocratic. 

Abbreviations  of  words  should  not  be  used  in  writing : 
such  as  "  &  "  for  "  and,"  "  wh  "  for  "  which,"  etc.  So  much 
fun  has  been  made  of  women's  letters  on  account  of  their 
frequent  underlinings  and  inevitable  postscripts,  that  it  is  not 
necessary  to  dwell  on  these  points.  It  certainly  destroys  all 
the  force  of  italics  to  use  them  constantly,  besides  giving  a 
letter  a  very  school-girlish  tone;  and  while  a  postscript  is 
very  good  for  its  proper  purpose,  that  is,  for  adding  something 
which  has  been  forgotten,  it  is  certainly  not  the  right  place 
to  put  the  most  important  matter  in  the  whole  letter,  as 
if  one  were  afraid  or  ashamed  to  speak  "out  until  the  last 
moment. 


LETTERS  AND  NOTES.  237 

A  letter  should  never  be  crossed.  In  these  days  when 
note-paper  and  postage  are  both  cheap  it  is  inexcusable  for 
any  one  to  write  across  the  paper,  thus  trying  to  the  utter- 
most both  the  eyesight  and  patience  of  a  friend.  Figures 
should  not  be  used  except  in  designating  dates  or  giving  the 
number  of  a  house  and  street. 

A  note  written  in  the  third  person  must  of  course  never  be 
signed.  Thus,  to  write 


> 


((t    calf    en    Weewifde&zu,    at 


17 


(^Mi  .    -  6  tfoie,    an</  6*/<sct  a 


would  be  simply  barbarous.  A  note  written  in  the  third 
person  must  so  continue  all  through.  "Mr.  Smith  accepts 
with  pleasure  your  kind  invitation  "  is  inadmissible.  "  Mr. 
Smith  accepts  with  pleasure  Mrs.  Brown's  kind  invitation, 
etc.,"  would  be  a  correct  formula. 

People  who  are  in  mourning  generally  use  black-edged 
note-paper,  although  some  persons  dislike  and  never  use  it. 
All  matters  connected  with  mourning  ought  to  be  left  to  the 
judgment  and  feelings  of  the  mourner.  It  is  cruel  to  en- 
hance sorrow  by  binding  it  around  with  the  silken  serpent 
of  etiquette. 

Where  black-edged  paper  is  used  the  border  should  vaiy 
in  depth  according  to  the  length  of  time  the  writer  has  been 
in  mourning,  and  the  nearness  of  the  relative  mourned.  Very 


238  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

broad  mourning  borders  certainly  seem  affected  as  well  as 
gloomy.  The  autograph  letter  of  condolence  which  Queen 
Victoria  sent  to  Mrs.  Lincoln  when  the  President  was  assassi- 
nated was  written  on  note-paper  with  a  black  border  nearly 
an  inch  deep ! 

A  letter  to  a  married  lady  should  always  be  directed  with 
her  husband's  name  or  initials,  and  not  her  own  :  thus,  "  Mrs. 
James  Nevins,"  or  "  Mrs.  J.  B.  Nevins."  One  cannot  write 
"  Mrs.  Rev.  Thomas  Brookes,"  or  "  Mrs.  Dr.  Simeon  Thomas." 
It  is  proper,  however,  to  write  "Rev.  and  Mrs.  Thomas 
Brookes,"  or  "Dr.  and  Mrs.  Simeon  Thomas."  Of  course 
where  the  lady  is  a  minister  of  the  gospel  in  propria 
persona,  or  a  Doctor  of  Medicine,  it  is  quite  right  to  give 
her  her  title,  —  "  Eev.  Olympia  Brown,"  or  "  Dr.  Emma 
News."  In  addressing  a  letter  to  a  gentleman,  custom  pre- 
scribes that  "  Esq."  shall  be  added  after  his  name  unless  he 
has  some  other  title,  as  "Dr.,"  "Rev.,"  etc.  As  "Esq."  is  a 
matter  of  courtesy  and  not  of  right  in  this  country,  it  is 
better  to  omit  it  where  one  can  without  leaving  the  name 
standing  baldly  alone.  Thus  "  R.  V.  Rich,  M.  D.,"  "  C.  B. 
Roe,  Jr.,"  look  better  written  without  the  "  Esq. ; "  some 
people  add  it,  however,  and  write  "R.  V.  Rich,  M.  D.,  Esq.," 
and  "C.  B.  Roe,  Jr.,  Esq."  In  directing  notes  of  invitation 
"  Mr."  should  be  used,  and  not  "  Esq." 

Although  it  has  been  mentioned  elsewhere  in  this  volume, 
it  is  proper  to  repeat  here  that  great  care  should  be  taken  to 
write  numbers,  dates,  and  proper  names  with  distinctness. 
In  the  case  of  ordinary  words,  the  context  will  often  furnish 
some  clew  whereby  they  may  be  guessed ;  but  in  the  case 
of  a  proper  name  —  perhaps  one  that  is  entirely  unknown  to 
the  recipient  of  the  letter  —  there  is  nothing  to  assist  him 
in  deciphering  it. 

While  it  would  not  be  fitting,  in  writing  "  the  letter  of  the 
period,"  to  imitate  the  diffuseness  of  the  classic  letter-writers 


LETTERS  AND  NOTES.  239 

either  of  antiquity  or  of  comparatively  modern  times,  one 
might  with  advantage  copy  their  graceful  Style,  and  take 
from  them  many  hints  as  to  what  should  and  what  should 
not  find  place  in  a  letter  that  is  meant  to  give  pleasure. 
Letters  that  are  intended  to  annoy  or  irritate  the  recipient  — 
angry  letters  —  would  much  better  not  be  written,  on  every 
one's  account.  The  minute  descriptions  of  Madame  de 
Sevigne",  whereby  she  gave  "  airy  nothings  a  local  habita- 
tion and  a  name,"  are  still  charming  reading  after  two  cen- 
turies have  elapsed ;  but  not  even  to  a  friend  in  the  country 
would  one  think  now-a-days  of  elaborating  trifles  at  such 
length,  even  if  one  possessed  the  grace  and  imagination  of 
this  celebrated  letter-writer. 

Terseness  and  that  brevity  which  is  the  soul  of  wit  are 
essential  to  the  composition  of  a  modern  epistle ;  and  if  a 
picture  is  to  be  drawn  it  must  be  photographed  by  the  in- 
stantaneous process,  not  slowly  worked  out  with  the  graver's 
tools.  And  yet,  no  brusqueness  must  find  place  in  a  letter. 
One  must  be  concise,  but  never  curt.  Few  people  can  trust 
themselves  to  write  anything  longer  than  a  short  note  when 
in  great  haste ;  one  is  so  apt,  if  not  to  make  a  mistake,  at 
least  to  say  something  carelessly,  or  to  leave  something  un- 
said which  if  said  would  very  essentially  modify  the  tone 
and  meaning  of  the  whole.  Especially  is  this  the  case  where 
one  is  writing  anything  personal ;  great  care  should  be  taken 
to  express  one's  meaning  clearly,  and  to  remember  that  the 
written  word  is  so  much  more  formal  than  the  spoken  word, 
that  what  would  be  passed  over  as  a  jest  in  the  latter  seems 
like  reproof  in  the  former.  In  fact,  it  is  a  very  dangerous 
matter  to  find  fault  with  people  on  paper;  misconceptions 
so  easily  arise  which  in  conversation  would  be  set  right  iu 
two  minutes ;  and  the  receiver  of  the  letter  is  sure  to  imagine 
that  the  writer  means  twice  as  much  he  says,  and  the  former 
therefore  proportionately  magnifies  what  is  actually  said. 


240  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Hence,  if  one  must  write  a  fault-finding  letter,  it  is  only  safe 
to  express  about  one  fourth  as  much  as  one  feels.  Lawyers 
say  that  the  fondness  of  mankind  for  writing  letters,  and 
getting  themselves  into  no  end  of  trouble  by  their  folly  in 
so  doing,  is  perfectly  extraordinary.  A  conscientious  lawyer 
will  beg  and  pray  his  client  to  cio  anything  rather  than  write 
a  letter.  Litera  scripta  manet,  as  astute  politicians  and  dip- 
lomats well  know.  Avoid  the  pen  as  you  would  the  Devil, 
when  you  are  angry ;  and  if  you  must  commit  follies,  don't 
put  them  down  on  paper. 

If  a  letter  is  intended  to  give  pleasure  it  must  not  be 
simply  an  echo  of  the  letter  to  which  it  is  an  answer.  While 
it  is  proper  to  make  short  comments  on  what  has  been  written 
to  you,  these  are  generally  not  of  special  interest  to  your 
correspondent,  who  wants  usually  to  hear  about  what  is 
going  on  at  your  end  of  the  line,  for  lie  knows  already  what 
is  happening  at  his  own.  Thus  one  receives  some  charmingly 
written  and  gracefully  expressed  letters,  which  mean  and  say 
absolutely  nothing  !  Egotism  —  the  other  extreme  —  is  also 
to  be  avoided  in  a  letter,  especially  complaining  egotism. 
What  a  terrible  warning  are  the  letters  of  Jane  Welsh  Carlyle 
against  "  growling  on  paper  "  !  And  what  a  contrast  to  them 
are  the  letters  of  the  Carlyle-Emerson  correspondence,  where 
the  real  nobility  of  thought  and  character  of  these  two  great 
men  stand  out  in  such  plain  relief!  How  little  did  Mrs. 
Carlyle  imagine  that  the  grumblings  by  which  she  occasion- 
ally relieved  her  heart  and  temper  were,  after  her  death,  to 
prejudice  many  minds  against  the  husband  who  truly  and 
deeply  loved  her !  How  different  might  all  have  been  if  she 
had  told  him  frankly  of  her  discontents,  instead  of  writing 
them  to  other  people,  for  the  world  to  gossip  over  in  the 
years  to  come ! 

The  letters  of  the  younger  Pliny  show  a  cheerful,  amiable 
disposition,  giving  us  at  the  same  time  that  innocent  gossip 


LETTERS  AND  NOTES.  241 

in  which  the  human  mind  ever  delights,  and  many  interesting 
pictures  of  the  manners  of  his  day.  He  is  not  a  bad  model 
for  a  correspondent,  especially  as  his  letters  are  not  usually 
long. 

A  letter  should  be  cheerful  in  tone,  and  it  should  not  be 
written  unless  one  has  something  to  say.  If  a  person  is 
obliged  to  write  and  has  nothing  to  say,  he  should  not  go  on 
saying  it  for  several  pages. 

A  brief  but  courteous  note  is  far  pleasanter  to  receive  than 
a  long-drawn-out  letter  over  which  the  writer  has  labored 
long  and  painfully.  It  is  a  good  rule  always  to  read  over 
letters  before  sending  them.  Copying  is  to  be  deprecated,  as 
it  is  apt  to  make  letters  stiff  and  formal. 

One  should  be  very  careful  not  to  write  familiarly  to  peo- 
ple whom  one  does  not  know  well,  to  those  who  are  much 
older,  or  to  people  who  hold  a  high  position  in  the  world. 
A  letter  may  be  entirely  courteous  and  dignified,  and  yet 
not  at  all  familiar.  Indeed,  it  shows  a  want  of  self-respect 
to  attempt  familiarity  where  one  has  no  right  to  do  so,  and 
where  it  may  be  resented.  In  writing  to  friends  and  inti- 
mates it  is  of  course  proper  to  adopt  a  very  different  tone, 
and  not  to  offend  them  by  what  they  would  rightly  con- 
sider stiffness;  though  the  same  form  of  words  might  be 
entirely  proper  and  courteous  if  addressed  to  a  comparative 
stranger. 

Jesting  in  letters  is  rather  a  dangerous  matter,  since  such 
jokes  are  often  misunderstood,  and  being  taken  in  earnest 
often  cause  much  annoyance  and  even  unhappiness.  It  is 
sometimes  said  of  a  person  who  is  skilful  in  writing  letters 
whereof  the  tone  is  easy  and  conversational,  "  He  writes  just 
as  he  speaks."  A  little  observation,  however,  will  generally 
bring  out  the  fact  that  the  writer  is  possessed  of  the  ars 
celare  art  em,  just  as  the  realistic  actor  is  ;  the  skilful  letter- 
writer  has  the  art  of  making  his  letters  appear  as  if  they  were 

16 


242  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

"  frozen  conversation,"  but  the  tinkling  ice-crystals  are  not 
the  result  of  simple  congelation  :  say,  rather,  they  are  the 
work  of  a  skilful  confectioner,  who  can  make  his  ice  at 
any  time  of  year. 

There  should  always  be  more  formality  in  the  written  than 
in  the  spoken  word  ;  even  the  most  familiar  letter  should  be 
worded  and  expressed  with  greater  care,  with  more  gram- 
matical exactness,  and  with  greater  rhetorical  precision,  than 
is  called  for  in  ordinary  speech.  It  seems  a  much  easier 
thing  to  write  a  good  letter  than  it  really  is ;  just  as  the  flow- 
ing, easy,  and  graceful  style  of  some  authors  impresses  the 
reader  with  the  feeling  that  he  himself,  or  any  one,  could 
write  like  that !  But  a  brief  trial  will  speedily  convince  him 
that  he  cannot. 

Slang  should  not  find  a  place  save  in  the  most  familiar 
letters.  Care  also  should  be  taken  to  avoid  mixing  up  pro- 
nouns, and  making  "  he,"  "  she,"  "  it,"  etc.,  refer  first  to  one 
person  or  thing  and  then  to  another  in  the  same  sentence. 
We  need  several  new  pronouns  in  English,  as  our  language  is 
sadly  deficient  in  them.  The  man  who  should  successfully 
invent  or  derive  from  classic  tongues  some  new  pronouns 
would  deserve  the  gratitude  of  the  whole  English-speaking 
race.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  he  would  be  sent  either  to  a  luna- 
tic asylum  or  a  dungeon  cell.  We  can  invent  "  dudes  "  and 
discover  planets,  but  the  lost  pronouns  will  never  more  be 
found  !  And  yet  to  what  subterfuges  and  circumlocutions  is 
the  writer  not  driven  for  the  want  of  an  equivalent  to  "  he," 
"  him,"  etc.,  and  for  a  singular  form  of  "  they  "  which  should 

be  of  common  gender  !  "  John  met  Mr.  J :  he  asked  him 

whether  he  would  not  go  and  take  a  drive  in  his  new  dog- 
cart." But  instances  of  this  painful  nature  need  not  be  cited, 
as  they  are  so  common. 

After  making  a  visit  at  a  friend's  house  one  should  always 
write  a  note  or  letter  acknowledging  the  kindness  and  hos- 


LETTERS  AND  NOTES.  243 

pitality  of  host  or  hostess.  When  answering  even  a  familiar 
note  of  invitation,  one  should  be  very  careful  to  do  so  courte- 
ously as  well  as  promptly,  wording  the  answer  as  much  like 
the  invitation  as  possible.  The  day  —  and  for  a  dinner  or 
lunch  the  hour  —  should  be  repeated,  so  as  to  be  sure  that 
there  is  no  mistake  ;  as  for  instance,  — 


£u.  eMai  ^/vi'M.     fymet, 

•// 
t(€  a 

Jo  t<uncn  tvtW 

«/  naaf-/ifwt  one  c  cwcn. 
/stm  mna  ieaatok), 


on 

s 


<^Viona<r//  . 


A  written  invitation  must  never  receive  a  verbal  answer, 
but  always  a  written  one.  To  send  an  answer  by  word  of 
mouth,  except  where  one  has  been  invited  in  the  same  way, 
is  extremely  impolite.  One  must  never  send  a  visiting  card 
with  "regrets"  written  on  it.  To  do  so  would  be  very  " bad 
form."  Invitations  must  be  answered  on  note-paper,  and 
not  on  visiting  cards.  The  custom  of  writing  "  Present "  or 


244  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

"  Addressed  "  on  a  letter  which  is  to  be  delivered  by  a  private 
messenger  is  rapidly  going  out  of  fashion.  The  same  is  true 
of  the  superscriptions  "  Kindness  of  Mr.  Smith,"  "  Favored 
by  Mr.  Smith,"  etc.  It  suffices  to  direct  such  a  letter  to  the 
street  and  number  only,  —  omitting  the  name  of  the  city  or 
town,  —  or  with  the  name  of  the  gentleman's  place,  if  he  lives 
in  the  country.  Thus  :  Mrs.  James  Meredith,  Beaulieu. 


CHAPTER   XXVI 

ON   DRESS. 

THE  wise  physician  does  not  take  his  own  drugs,  neither 
do  the  wise  and  witty  Frenchwomen  follow  their  own 
fashions,  —  that  is  to  say,  they  do  not  follow  them  to  ex- 
tremes, nor  adhere  to  them  with  the  martyr-like  fidelity  which 
so  strongly  characterizes  Americans.  At  last,  however,  our 
countrywomen  are  beginning  to  think  for  themselves  a  little 
in  the  matter  of  dress.  Since  it  has  grown  to  be  fashionable 
to  dress  becomingly  and  with  a  certain  amount  of  individual- 
ity, we  have  plucked  up  a  little  spirit,  and  have  even  signed 
a  sort  of  moderate  and  feeble  declaration  of  independence 
against  our  old  enemies,  French  fashions  and  perfect  unifor- 
mity in  dress.  How  well  I  remember  a  certain  spring  season 
in  my  childhood  when  every  woman  between  the  ages  of 
twelve  and  forty  wore  a  yellow  straw-bonnet  trimmed  with 
green  ribbon  on  the  outside  and  pink  on  the  inside  !  And 
that  autumn  after  Napoleon  III.'s  campaign  in  Italy,  when 
no  respectable  person  thought  of  having  her  bonnet  trimmed 
with  any  other  color  than  solferino  or  magenta  !  Now,  if 
we  come  across  a  bit  of  one  of  these  old  and  crude  colors  in 
looking  over  some  ancient  store  of  scraps  and  pieces,  how 
we  shudder  !  We  can  hardly  believe  that  "  gentlewomen 
wore  such  caps  as  these,"  or  could  have  made  themselves  so 
supremely  ugly. 

The  study  of  dress  is  in  these  days  an  approved  branch  of 
feminine  education.  It  has  never  been  wholly  neglected, 


246  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

only  women  have  too  often  pursued  it  with  their  eyes  shut, 
and  now  they  mean  to  keep  them  open,  —  a  very  great 
improvement. 

The  two  chief  points  which  a  woman  should  always  bear  in 
mind  in  regard  to  dress  are  —  first,  is  it  appropriate  ;  sec- 
ond, is  it  becoming?    A  lady  should  never  be  tempted  to 
wear  a  costume  which  is  unsuitable  to  the  occasion,  merely 
by  the  fact  that  she  looks  well  in  it ;  because  in  so  doing  she 
violates  that  harmony  which  is  one  of  the  first  laws  of  art 
(and  nature  alike.     Instead  of  pleasing  other  people  she  will 
J  jar  on  their  sense  of  fitness,  and  she  will  be  apt  also  to  render 
herself  conspicuous,  and  to  appear  to  display  unnecessary 
\_vaiiity. 

Dress  should  always  be  subordinate  to  the  wearer  ;  for  if  a 
human  being  is  of  any  account  at  all,  he  is  surely  more  im- 
portant than  his  own  clothes.  Never  dress  in  such  a  way, 
therefore,  that  your  clothes  shall  attract  every  one's  attention, 
as  if  you  considered  them  of  vastly  more  consequence  than 
\jpurself.  We  all  remember  the  old  Roman  joke  about  "  the 
sword  that  was  seen  with  a  little  man  tied  to  it."  We  should 
['dress  to  live,  not  live  to  dress."  And  yet  some  women  will 
spend  their  whole  time  and  energy  in  devising  and  planning 
what  they  shall  wear,  and  wherewithal  they  shall  be  clothed, 
as  if  they  themselves,  their  own  hearts  and  minds  and  bod- 
ies, were  of  comparatively  small  importance  beside  the  vast, 
)  never-ending  subject  of  clothing ! 

Lord  Chesterfield  says,  "  The  difference  in  dress  between  a 
man  and  a  fop  is,  that  the  fop  values  himself  upon  his  dress ; 
and  the  man  of  sense  laughs  at  it  at  the  same  time  that  he 
knows  he  must  not  neglect  it." 

What  tremendous  satire  lies  in  Thackeray's  caricature  ot 
Le  Grand  Monarque  Louis  XIV.  !  First,  we  have  the  man 
and  his  clothes  combined  ;  second,  we  have  the  little  old 
king,  looking  small  enough  without  his  grand  finery ;  ami 


ON  DRESS.  247 

third,  there  is  the  finery  alone,  —  enormous  wig,  great  wide- 
sleeved,  long-skirted  coat,  and  shoes  with  lofty  heels.  Really, 
it  looks  almost  as  well  without  any  one  in  it.  It  can  "  stand 
alone  "  quite  as  well  as  some  of  the  rich  silk  dresses  that  are 
supposed  to  be  able  to  do  so.  And  if  Thackeray  is  powerful 
on  this  subject,  what  shall  we  say  of  the  great  master  Carlyle 
and  his  wonderful  "Sartor  Resartus,"  in  which  not  the  folly 
alone  of  man's  making  a  clothes-horse  of  himself,  but  the 
folly  and  unworthiness  of  so  many  pursuits  that  go  to  make 
up  the  sum  of  human  life  are  portrayed  with  the  author's 
inimitable  satire,  from  which  pathos  is  never  far  distant ! 
Carlyle's  laughter  comes  ever  near  to  tears. 

Whether  Woman  is  behind  Man  in  civilization  because  she 
pays  an  attention  to  dress  which  he  has  long  ago  disused,  or 
whether  her  devotion  to  it  is  because  man  requires  her  to  be 
robed  in  gay  attire,  is  a  question  which  I  shall  not  here  enter 
into.  Suffice  it  to  acknowledge  that  women  are  expected  in 
this  age  to  pay  more  attention  to  dress  than  men  do,  and  that 
they  are  therefore  justified  in  so  doing  —  within  limits. 

In  determining  whether  a  lady's  dress  is  or  is  not  appro- 
priate, we  must  take  into  consideration  not  only  the  occasion 
on  which  it  is  worn  but  the  worldly  means  of  the  wearer.  It 
is  decidedly  inappropriate,  and  in  very  bad  taste,  to  dress 
more  expensively  than  one  can  afford  to  do.  No  one  thinks 
better  of  you  for  doing  so.  The  spiteful  will  laugh  at  you, 
and  the  "judicious  will  grieve,"  to  think  that  you  have  gone 
to  an  expense  which  you  could  not  afford,  and  for  which 
you  may  pay  dearly  in  some  way.  Never  ape  the  finery  of 
those  who  are  much  richer  in  worldly  goods  than  you  are  ;  of 
great  statues  we  have  plaster  casts,  it  is  true,  but  a  cheap  copy 
of  a  handsome  dress  is  apt  to  be  a  wretched  affair.  There  are 
certain  styles  which  look  well  in  all  materials,  but  these  are 
the  exceptions.  As  a  rule,  what  is  appropriate  in  a  silk  dress 
is  not  suitable  for  a  calico,  and  vice  versa.  A  cheap  material, 


248  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

especially  if  it  be  of  woollen,  and  intended  for  every-day  use, 
should  be  trimmed  very  plainly.  How  often  do  we  see  in 
the  horse-cars  (where  enforced  idleness  gives  one  leisure  for 
the  study  of  sumptuary  laws)  garments  made  of  cheap,  flimsy 
dry-goods  elaborately  garnished  with  ruffles  and  "bias  folds," 
poorly  cut,  and  considerably  the  worse  for  wear,  —  some  light 
color  which  shows  every  spot,  adding  to  the  general  inappro- 
priateness  of  the  costume !  A  dress  should  be  made  very 
simply  if  it  is  expected  to  do  service  for  a  long  time. 
Elaborate  trimmings  soon  grow  shabby. 

Another  fatal  error  which  some  women  make  is  that  of 
putting  handsome,  expensive  trimming  on  cheap  gowns.  It 
fairly  makes  one  shudder  to  see  iridescent  beads  on  an  ill- 
fitting  garment  which  cost  twenty-five  cents  a  yard  !  How 
much  better  would  it  have  been  to  take  the  money  spent 
for  these  inappropriate  gewgaws  and  to  pay  therewith  for  the 
services  of  a  good  dressmaker  !  Or  if  a  woman  is  obliged 
to  do  all  her  own  sewing,  let  her  save  the  time  spent  in 
making  deforming  ruffles  and  expend  it  in  learning  to  make 
her  dresses  fit  well.  The  result  will  be  much  more  stylish 
and  more  satisfactory  in  every  way. 

All  scholars  know  the  difficulty  of  translating  a  poem  from 
one  language  into  another.  To  translate  a  Worth  costume 
meant  to  be  worn  at  receptions  and  kettledrums  into  a  home- 
made gown  intended  for  walking  in  muddy  streets  through 
all  weathers  is  just  about  as  easy.  A  wise  woman  will  not 
attempt  "  to  keep  to  the  original  metre  "  in  such  a  case. 

Oscar  Wilde,  who  is  a  man  of  considerable  parts,  despite 
his  numerous  follies  and  affectations,  has  written  a  very  in- 
teresting article,  in  which  he  points  out  how  much  thought 
Shakspeare  gave  to  the  subject  of  dress,  and  what  an  impor- 
tant part  it  has  in  the  dramatic  effect  produced  by  his  plays. 
Many  of  the  characters  describe  their  own  costume,  although 
the  description  is  so  skilfully  interwoven  with  the  rest  of  the 


ON  DRESS.  249 

text  that  one  does  not  think  of  it  as  a  stage  direction  "  what 
to  wear." 

Of  Juliet  the  article  says,  "  A  modern  playwright  would 
probably  have  laid  her  out  in  her  shroud,  and  made  the  scene 
a  scene  of  horror  merely ;  but  Shakspeare  arrays  her  in  rich 
and  gorgeous  raiment,  whose  loveliness  makes  the  vault  '  a 
feasting  presence  full  of  light,'  txirns  the  tomb  into  a  bridal 
chamber,  and  gives  the  cue  and  motive  for  Romeo's  speech  of 
the  triumph  of  Love  over  Life,  and  of  Beauty  over  Death." 
An  inventory,  still  in  existence,  of  the  costume  wardrobe 
of  a  London  theatre  in  Shakspeare's  time  contains  a  most 
astonishing  number  and  variety  of  garments  of  every  sort, 
including  a  robe  "  for  to  go  invisibell,"  —  no  doubt  for  the 
ghost  in  Hamlet. 

The  Greeks,  —  from  whose  school  of  taste  and  art  what 
modern  nation  can  hope  to  graduate  1  —  the  Greeks  finished 
their  statues  as  perfectly  behind  as  in  front,  even  those  which 
were  placed  so  high  in  the  friezes  of  the  temples  that  no  one 
could  possibly  see  the  reverse  side.  Women  can  well  take 
a  hint  from  this  many-sided  perfection,  and  remember  that 
the  effect  of  a  costume  should  be  studied  in  the  rear  and 
in  profile  quite  as  much  as  in  front. 

The  side  view  of  a  woman's  face  framed  in  one  of  the  very 
high  bonnets  of  the  present  time  is  singular  enough.  A  diag- 
onal line  drawn  from  the  chin  to  the  top  of  the  topmost  feather 
represents  the  greatest  diameter  — and  what  greatness ! '  Mean- 
while the  hair  is  absorbed  and  drawn  up  under  this  towering 
finery,  leaving  the  shortest  diameter  —  from  the  nape  of  the 
neck  across  to  the  mouth  —  wonderfully  short. 

Every  woman  who  can  possibly  afford  it  should  have  a 
cheval-glass,  or  at  any  rate  a  glass  long  enough  to  reflect 
her  whole  figure  from  head  to  foot,  otherwise  she  cannot 
know  with  any  certainty  the  true  appearance  of  her  costume. 
This  is  specially  necessary  for  people  either  much  shorter  or 


250  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

much  taller  than  the  average  height,  since  the  result  may 
be  very  disastrous  if  they  attempt  to  copy  a  style  of  dress 
which  looks  well  on  some  woman  of  medium  height,  without 
stopping  to  think  whether  the  same  thing  will  be  becoming 
to  a  person  of  different  figure.  The  same  advice  may  be 
given  to  very  stout  or  very  thin  women,  to  very  pale  or  very 
florid  ones;  in  short,  to  any  one  who  differs  decidedly  in 
any  particular  from  "  the  average  woman."  The  average  wo- 
man only  can  copy  with  impunity  or  with  anything  resem- 
bling it.  Garments  are  made  to  fit  her,  and  fashions  are 
designed  more  or  less  to  become  her ;  but  even  she  must  not 
revel  in  sheep-like  imitation  if  she  wishes  to  look  her  best. 

It  is  only  a  very  good  figure  which  looks  well  when  all  its 
outlines  are  shown  distinctly ;  a  woman  with  a  poor  figure 
should  seek  rather  to  soften  and  disguise  it,  be  she  angular  and 
high-shouldered,  or  short  and  stout.  What  painful  displays 
of  ugly  forms  we  have  all  seen  since  the  advent  of  the  recent 
fashions,  which  decree  that  a  woman  shall  wear  neither  cloak 
nor  mantle  in  the  street,  but  go  abroad  in  a  costume  which 
would  have  been  considered  rather  a  questionable  one  even 
for  the  house  twenty  years  ago  !  Questionable,  because  fitted 
to  the  form  with  an  exactness  which  was  not  then  considered 
allowable. 

A  very  tall  woman  who  wears  a  very  long  skirt  should 
have  a  good  deal  of  trimming  on  it,  because  this  breaks 
the  line  of  the  skirt  and  makes  it  seem  shorter.  A  short  wo- 
man, per  contra,  should  wear  little  trimming  on  her  skirt,  or 
should  have  it  near  the  bottom,  so  as  to  make  the  lines  long. 
She  should,  for  the  same  reason,  avoid  basques,  except  very 
short  ones.  One  of  the  most  fashionable  women  in  Boston 
wears  a  perfectly  plain  plaited  skirt  for  a  street  dress,  because 
it  is  becoming  to  her  and  makes  her  look  taller. 

A  very  tall  woman  should  never  wear  a  broad  flaring  round 
hat,  unless  she  wishes  to  look  like  Mrs.  Japheth  or  Mrs.  Sheni 


ON  DRESS.  251 

just  coming  out  of  the  ark.  A  short- waisted  woman  should 
never  wear  a  belt.  A  very  stout  person  should  wear  dark 
colors  (which  make  one  look  smaller),  and  materials  which  are 
close  and  fine  rather  than  loose  and  rough.  The  effect  of  a 
stout  woman  arrayed  in  gray  furzy  cloth  covered  with  imita- 
tion snow-flakes  is  very  like  that  of  a  polar  bear.  Another 
delusion  of  short  stout  elderly  women  is  that  very  tight- 
fitting  polonaises  are  becoming  to  them ;  and  so  they  allow 
their  mautua-makers  to  array  them  in  clinging  garments 
which  make  them  look  like  closely-draped  beer-barrels. 

When  the  great  Beau  Brummell  was  asked  why  Englishmen 
were  so  much  better  dressed  than  Frenchmen,  he  replied  la- 
conically, "  'T  is  the  hat."  And  some  beaux  in  these  days 
maintain  with  a  good  deal  of  reason  that  if  a  man's  hat  is 
new  and  in  good  style,  it  does  not  so  much  matter  about  the 
rest  of  his  clothes.  Good  gloves,  good  shoes,  and  a  fresh  hat 
or  bonnet  are  certainly  very  important  items  in  a  person's 
appearance.  The  great  man  quoted  above  said  that  a  gentle- 
man should  use  six  pairs  of  gloves  in  a  day  !  Gloves  should 
be  well  fitting ;  it  is  seldom  an  economy  to  buy  cheap  ones. 

According  to  the  present  fashion,  ladies  do  not  take  off 
their  gloves  at  a  ball,  reception,  or  other  occasion  where  the 
collation  is  a  stand-up  affair.  They  keep  their  gloves  on 
while  eating,  although  to  many  of  us  it  seems  far  from  neat 
to  do  so,  since  one  cannot  hold  cake,  sandwiches,  etc.,  in 
one's  fingers  without  soiling  the  gloves. 

A  foolish  newspaper  rumor  has  gone  abroad  that  the  lady 
of  the  White  House  eats  her  dinner  with  her  gloves  on.  But 
this  story  is  a  highly  improbable  one  ;  and  if  it  were  true, 
the  example  thus  set  would  not  be  followed  by  our  best 
society,  the  members  of  which  are  too  sensible  to  be  governed 
by  the  fancies  of  any  (native)  leader  of  fashion.  It  is  con- 
sidered "  bad  form  "  to  sit  down  at  table  with  gloves  on  ;  and 
they  are  always  removed  at  breakfast,  luncheon,  dinner,  tea, 


252  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

and  at  a  formal  supper,  where  all  the  guests  sit  at  table  and 
the  service  is  in  courses. 

Gloves  appear  to  have  been  very  ancient  concomitants  of 
civilization.  In  the  Odyssey,  Homer  describes  Laertes  as 
working  in  his  garden  with  leather  gloves  on  to  protect  his 
hands  from  thorns.  Gloves  are  also  spoken  of  in  the  Bible, 
—  in  the  book  of  Ruth  and  in  that  of  Kings.  Queen  Eliz- 
abeth of  England  wore  sweet-scented  gloves,  which  were 
brought  from  Italy  during  her  reign  by  Edward  de  Vere, 
Earl  of  Oxford. 

Never  allow  one  garment  to  be  so  expensive  or  showy  that 
the  rest  of  your  costume  will  contrast  badly  with  it.  Do  not 
wear  a  thirty-dollar  bonnet  with  an  old  and  shabby  dress. 
Let  all  your  garments  have  a  certain  accord  with  one  another, 
so  that  they  may  seem  to  belong  together.  If  the  colors 
contrast,  let  it  not  be  with  too  much  violence. 

One  should  be  very  careful  to  select  materials  and  styles  of 
dress  that  are  suited  to  one's  age,  figure,  height,  and  complex- 
ion. A  great  many  women  consider  only  the  beauty  or  ugliness 
of  a  garment  in  itself,  and  quite  forget  that  the  same  costume 
will  make  one  woman  look  like  a  scarecrow  and  another  like 
a  goddess.  They  see  in  the  street,  perhaps,  some  "  love  of  a 
bonnet "  worn  by  a  charming  young  girl  with  fresh  bright 
complexion,  and  are  filled  with  a  desire  and  a  determination 
to  have  one  just  exactly  like  it,  never  stopping  to  think 
whether  it  will  be  equally  suitable  to  a  person  of  a  totally 
different  coloring,  age,  and  figure. 

There  is  an  old  saying  that  a  sheep  does  not  look  well 
dressed  up  in  a  lamb's  clothing.  Miss  Maria  Oakey,  in  her 
little  book  on  "  Beauty  in  Dress,"  points  out  to  women  that 
as  their  age  increases,  the  tints  of  the  complexion  necessarily 
change,  and  that  therefore  the  same  colors  will  not  be  becom- 
ing to  a  woman  of  forty  and  to  a  girl  of  sixteen.  It  is  the 
same  old  story  that  Dr.  Holmes  tells  so  charmingly  in  his 


OX  DRESS.  253 

"  Autocrat  of  the  Breakfast-table."  Old  Age  (so  the  witty  Doc- 
tor says)  comes  to  us  in  the  guise  of  a  friend,  and  offers  us 
now  a  cane  and  a  pair  of  arctics  to  aid  our  steps  in  slippery 
weather,  and  now  a  muffler  to  keep  out  the  winter's  cold. 
And  we  are  quite  indignant  at  his  first  visit.  We  inform 
him  that  he  has  mistaken  the  house,  and  we  go  bravely  out, 
scorning  his  proffered  aid.  But  a  fall  on  the  ice  or  an  at- 
tack of  sore-throat  teaches  us  that  Old  Age  was  right,  and  the 
second  time  he  calls  upon  us  we  receive  the  wraps  and 
mufflers  with  a  thankful  and  humble  heart. 

So  it  is,  or  so  it  should  be,  with  dress ;  and  both  men  and 
women  should  remember  to  modify  the  style  and  fashion  of 
their  raiment  as  they  grow  older.  But,  alas  !  many  people  are 
seized  with  a  sudden  desire  for  youth  just  as  it  is  slipping 
away  from  them,  and  men  of  forty -five  will  shave  off  their 
beards  and  appear  with  the  smooth  face  which  looks  well 
only  on  a  young  man  or  a  very  handsome  one.  Women  of 
mature  years  will  wear  round  hats,  or  bonnets  without  strings, 
forgetting  that  age  shows  about  the  throat  and  neck  as  much 
as  at  the  corners  of  the  eyes. 

Many  people,  however,  go  to  the  other  extreme,  and  know- 
ing that  their  youth  is  a  thing  of  the  past,  they  pay  little  at- 
tention to  the  question  whether  their  dress  is  becoming  or  the 
reverse.  They  fossilize  into  a  certain  style  of  costume  and 
into  a  certain  way  of  arranging  the  hair.  Every  woman,  if 
she  lives  long  enough,  reaches  this  state  of  fossilization  of 
coiffure. and  dress;  but  some  women  reach  it  at  an  unduly 
early  age. 

While  the  affectation  of  youth  is  a  thing  to  be  strenuously 
avoided,  it  is  still  to  be  remembered  that  at  every  age  the 
human  form  divine  possesses  some  degree  of  beauty.  The 
beauty  of  middle-aged  and  elderly  people  is  not  usually 
perceptible  to  the  very  young,  but  it  is  to  their  contempo- 
raries ;  and  it  is  patent  to  all  the  world  that  every  one, 


254  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

even  a  plain  or  elderly  person,  looks  better  when  becomingly 
dressed. 

Therefore,  when  a  middle-aged  woman  imagines  that  no 
one  cares  how  she  looks  or  dresses,  she  makes  a  great  mis- 
take. To  her  husband,  her  children,  and  her  friends  it  is 
surely  gratifying  to  see  the  mother  of  the  family  clad  in  be- 
coming raiment ;  and  while,  like  the  pelican,  she  may  strip 
off  some  of  her  fine  feathers  for  the  benefit  of  her  nestlings, 
she  should  not  imitate  the  conduct  of  fond  and  foolish  Lear, 
and  give  her  worldly  all  to  her  children. 

American  women  wear  much  more  showy  and  elaborate 
costumes  when  walking  in  the  street  than  do  their  European 
sisters,  who  consider  it  unladylike  to  go  abroad  in  gorgeous 
raiment  except  in  a  carriage.  "We  are  beginning  to  be  of  the 
same  opinion  in  this  country ;  witness  the  quiet  tailor-made 
1  street  costumes  now  so  popular. 

Diamonds  and  handsome  jewels  are  never  worn  in  the 
street  nor  in  travelling  by  Englishwomen  of  quality,  who 
consider  that  such  ornaments  should  be  reserved  for  the  even- 
ing or  for  large  and  gay  occasions.  In  this  country  the  rules 
in  regard  to  wearing  jewelry  are  much  more  lax  ;  but  ladies 
of  good  taste  seldom  wear  bracelets  or  much  jewelry  of  any 
sort  in  the  morning,  or  in  the  street  at  any  hour.  Many 
ladies  wear  diamond  earrings  in  the  daytime,  especially  if  the 
stones  are  not  very  large.  It  certainly  seems  inappropriate 
to  time  and  place  to  wear  large  and  expensive  diamonds 
when  walking  in  the  street.  One  incurs  also  no  small  risk 
of  having  them  stolen. 

The  woman  who  walks  abroad  or  goes  in  the  cars  very 
showily  dressed  and  covered  with  jewelry,  conveys  to  the  be- 
holder the  idea  that  she  does  not  belong  to  what  is  technically 
called  society  ;  that  she  has  no  legitimate  opportunity  to  dis- 
play her  handsome  clothes,  and  therefore  is  obliged  to  wear 
them  in  the  street  or  not  at  all. 


CHAPTEE    XXVII. 

THE   DRESS   AND   CUSTOMS  APPROPRIATE  TO   MOURNING. 

IT  seems  a  strange  thing  that  we,  who  profess  and  call 
ourselves  Christians,  should  yet  think  it  right  to  assume  the 
trappings  of  the  deepest  woe  and  gloom  upon  the  death  of  a 
near  and  dear  friend.  According  to  our  belief  the  loved  one 
has  gone  to  a  happier  world,  free  from  all  pain  and  care. 
Why,  then,  should  we  surround  ourselves  with  the  tokens  of 
a  woe  that  is  in  some  sort  a  rebellion  against  the  decrees  of 
Divine  Providence  1  Many  people,  reasoning  thus,  feel  that 
it  is  not  right  to  put  on  any  outward  show  of  mourning,  and 
it  must  be  confessed  that  their  argument  is  a  logical  one. 
Others,  again,  object  to  wearing  weeds  because  the  custom  is 
such  an  expensive  one,  and  because  poor  people  feel  that  they 
must  comply  with  it,  or  seem  wanting  in  respect  for  the  dead  ; 
whereas  if  the  rich  did  not  set  them  the  example,  the  poor 
would  not  feel  obliged  to  follow  it. 

On  the  other  hand,  there  are  many  reasons  to  be  urged  in 
favor  of  allowing  people  to  assume  a  mourning  garb  where 
they  wish  to  do  so.  The  voice  of  society  is  not  cruel  enough 
in  these  days  to  dictate  a  universal  law  on  the  subject,  though 
it  may  once  have  done  so  ;  nor  does  it  hold  up  to  scorn  and 
obloquy  those  who  from  conscientious  motives  refuse  to  com- 
ply with  its  mandates.  A  mourning  dress  is  a  great  protec- 
tion against  thoughtless  and  painful  inquiries.  It  shows  at 
once  to  all  friends  and  acquaintances  that  the  wearer  has 


256  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

recently  lost  some  near  and  dear  friend,  and  warns  them  not 
to  jar  upon  a  sad  mood  with  a  merry  one,  nor  to  ask  careless 
questions.  Some  people  are  so  deficient  in  tact  that  they  will 
ask  a  person  in  deep  black  for  whom  she  is  wearing  mourn- 
ing, but  fortunately  such  people  are  not  very  common. 

In  the  first  prostration  of  a  heavy  sorrow  it  is  a  comfort  to 
many  persons  to  have  something  that  is  purely  mechanical 
with  which  to  fill  up  the  time  and  to  distract  the  mind,  even 
if  only  in  a  very  small  measure,  from  the  crushing  grief 
which  threatens  to  overwhelm  it.  Thus  the  necessary  ar- 
rangements for  mourning,  etc.,  are  really  a  painful  blessing, 
though  one  does  not  always  know  that  they  are  so  at  the 
time. 

One  of  the  most  poignant  regrets,  secondary  only  to  the 
sense  of  the  loss  itself,  is  caused  by  the  feeling  that  the  dead 
must,  in  the  nature  of  things,  soon  be  forgotten,  and  their 
names  as  well  as  their  places  be  lost  from  among  the  living. 
Hence  those  who  are  in  deep  sorrow  cling  beyond  all  things 
to  the  memory  of  their  dead,  and  to  whatever  tends  to  keep 
it  alive.  They  feel,  too,  that  garments  of  mourning  are  a  fit 
outward  sign  of  a  true  inward  sorrow,  and  that  in  wearing 
them  the  last  token  of  respect  and  affection  is  paid  to  the 
dead.  Many  of  us  have  seen  people  who  did  not  believe  in 
the  custom  of  wearing  mourning,  who  thought  it  an  empty 
show  and  formality,  and  yet  when  their  own  time  of  real 
trouble  came,  were  very  glad  to  take  refuge  in  sable  trappings. 

Mourning  is  not  now  usually  worn  for  so  great  a  length  of 
time  as  formerly ;  and  although  some  people  —  at  least  some 
women  —  are  very  censorious  and  exacting  on  the  subject,  so- 
ciety in  general  allows  more  liberty  of  choice  than  it  once  did 
both  in  regard  to  wearing  mourning  at  all,  and  to  the  length 
of  time  for  wearing  it.  In  New  England,  public  sentiment 
has  never  required  so  much  outward  show  in  this  and  other 
matters  as  is  found  in  the  Middle  States.  Philadelphia, 


MOURNING  DRESS  AND  CUSTOMS.  257 

again,  has  the  reputation  of  being  more  ceremonious  than 
New  York.  But  the  old-fashioned  and  extreme  tyranny  of 
mourning,  which  forbade  women  to  appear  in  the  street  unless 
they  were  covered  by  a  suffocating  and  unhealthy  crape  veil, 
and  which  declared  that  windows  giving  on  the  street  must 
be  darkened  for  so  many  weeks  or  months  after  a  death  in 
the  house,  —  all  this  has  passed  or  is  passing  rapidly  away. 

Physicians  have  objected  so  much  to  the  injurious  habit  of 
covering  the  face  with  crape,  that  veils  of  this  material  are 
now  used  much  less  than  formerly.  They  are  replaced  by 
nun's  veiling,  —  a  fabric  at  once  prettier,  softer,  cheaper,  and 
more  durable  than  crape.  It  must  never  be  worn  over  the 
face,  however,  unless  at  a  funeral,  as  it  is  very  injurious  to 
the  eyes. 

The  length  of  time  for  wearing  mourning  varies  greatly 
According  to  individual  taste  and  feeling  in  this  country,  with 
a  tendency,  however,  to  shorter  rather  than  longer  periods, 
save  with  ultra-conservative  people. 

We  are  still  inclined  to  be  shocked  at  the  brevity  of  French 
mourning  ;  but  it  must  be  remembered  that  the  longer  people 
wear  black,  the  harder  it  is  for  them  to  leave  it  off,  so  that  in 
some  cases  daughters  who  have  lost  a  parent  can  hardly  per- 
suade themselves  to  put  on  colors  again  after  four  or  even  five 
years.  This  is  morbid  and  all  wrong ;  it  comes  from  a  con- 
fusion of  ideas,  and  a  misinterpretation  of  the  meaning  of 
mourning.  By  resuming  our  ordinary  garments  we  do  not 
signify  that  our  sorrow  has  become  no  sorrow,  but  rather  that 
it  has  assumed  a  different  phase,  and  has  ceased  to  be  the 
prominent,  nay,  the  all-absorbing  feature  in  our  lives  that  it 
was  at  first. 

According  to  French  etiquette  a  widow  wears  mourning 
for  her  husband  during  one  year  and  six  weeks.  This  period 
is  subdivided  into  three  shorter  ones  ;  namely,  six  months  of 
deep  mourning,  six  months  of  ordinary,  and  six  weeks  of  hull' 

17 


258  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

mourning.  For  a  father,  mother,  or  wife  the  French  wear 
mourning  for  six  months,  divided  into  three  of  deep  and 
three  of  half  mourning ;  for  a  sister  or  brother  two  months, 
of  which  one  is  deep  mourning ;  for  a  grandparent,  two 
and  a  half  months  of  slight  mourning ;  for  an  aunt  or  uncle, 
three  weeks  of  ordinary  mourning;  and  for  a  cousin,  two 
weeks. 

Deep  mourning  consists  of  plain  lustreless  woollen  stuffs 
and  crape.  The  stuffs  should  be  of  handsome  material  and 
fine  texture  where  the  means  of  the  wearer  will  allow,  but 
should  always  be  made  up  in  a  simple  and  unostentatious 
manner,  and  not  overloaded  with  crape.  Not  only  is  the 
custom  of  wearing  a  great  quantity  of  crape  going  out  of 
vogue,  but  it  is  also  a  very  objectionable  fashion,  because 
real  sorrow  should  never  be  made  to  appear  like  a  sort  of 
dress-parade.  Dull  jet  beads  are  now  much  worn  in  mourn- 
ing, but  a  profusion  of  them  is  not  appropriate  to  its  earlier 
stages. 

Silk  trimmed  with  crape  is  not  considered  to  be  "  deep 
black,"  but  is  worn  in  the  secondary  stages  of  mourning. 
Woollens  trimmed  with  lustreless  silk,  and  bonnets  made  of 
or  trimmed  with  silk,  also  belong  to  what  may  be  called  or- 
dinary mourning.  Jet  is  not  considered  allowable  save  in 
slight  mourning,  in  this  country,  although  it  is  in  England  ; 
neither  is  lace  used.  In  half-mourning,  black  and  white  as 
well  as  gray  are  now  worn,  but  not  violet  and  lilac,  as  was 
formerly  the  fashion.  Complimentary  mourning  is  black  silk 
without  crape. 

It  is  difficult  to  lay  down  exact  rules,  —  where  custom 
varies  as  it  does  in  this  country,  —  and  the  best  that  can  be 
done  is  to  approximate  ordinary  usage  as  nearly  as  may  be  in 
regard  to  the  length  of  time  during  which  mourning  is  worn 
in  various  cases.  Widows  usually  wear  deep  mourning  for 
two  years,  and  in  some  cases  retain  it  for  life.  It  is  in  very 


MOURNING  DRESS  AND  CUSTOMS.  259 

questionable  taste,  however,  for  a  young  and  pretty  widow  to 
wear  her  mourning  after  she  has  become  "  reconciled"  to  the 
death  of  her  first  husband  and  is  quite  willing  to  marry  a 
second.  A  widow  still  wearing  her  weeds,  and  at  the  same 
time  carrying  on  an  animated  flirtation  with  some  new  ad- 
mirer, is  a  sight  to  make  the  gods  weep.  We  do  not  wish 
that  women  should  commit  suttee  in  any  form  ;  but  to  angle 
for  a  second  husband  with  the  weeds  worn  for  the  first,  be- 
cause they  are  becoming,  is  a  thing  that  should  be  forbidden 
by  law.  Where  a  widow  is  leaving  off  her  mourning,  of  course 
the  case  is  quite  different,  because  she  has  then  already  be- 
gun to  signify  her  intention  of  wearing  black  no  more.  If  a 
widow  happens  to  become  engaged  to  be  married  while  still 
in  mourning,  many  people  think  she  should  not  discard  her 
black  robes  until  her  marriage ;  where  a  suitable  length  of 
time  has  elapsed,  however,  after  the  death  of  the  first  hus- 
band, it  would  seem  more  appropriate  for  her  to  leave  off  her 
mourning  gradually. 

For  parents,  mourning  is  usually  worn  during  two  years, 
and  made  lighter  in  the  second  year.  Many  people,  however, 
continue  to  wear  deep  mourning,  crape  veil  and  all,  for  two 
years.  For  brothers  and  sisters,  the  usual  period  is  one  year 
of  deep  mourning  and  a  year  or  less  of  lighter  mourning. 
For  uncles,  aunts,  or  grandparents,  three  to  six  months  of 
ordinary,  not  deep  mourning  are  usually  thought  sufficient, 
unless  where  the  tie  has  been  an  unusually  near  and  dear 
one.  Indeed,  many  people  do  not  put  on  mourning  at  all, 
save  for  very  near  relatives.  The  custom  of  wearing  deep 
black  for  long  periods  of  time  as  a  compliment  to  one's  hus- 
band's relations  is  certainly  a  very  objectionable  one.  It 
seems  to  take  all  the  real  meaning  from  mourning,  and  to 
make  it  a  mere  form  and  show.  For  in  the  very  nature  of 
things  one  cannot  love  another  person's  kindred  like  one's 
own. 


260  SOCIA.L  CUSTOMS. 

Parents  often  wear  mourning  for  grown-up  sons  or  daugh- 
ters during  two  years.  For  children,  most  people  do  not 
wear  crape ;  not  because  the  grief  is  not  of  the  deepest,  but 
because  very  stiff  formal  mourning  seems  utterly  unfitted  to 
express  the  tender  though  poignant  grief  caused  by  the  loss 
from  this  world  of  a  child's  pure  innocent  spirit.  In  the 
same  way  mourning  for  young  children  is  not  usually  worn 
during  more  than  a  year ;  this,  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  the 
loss  of  a  child  often  causes  sorrow  more  enduring  than  any 
other.  The  idea  of  respect  for  the  dead  enters  more  or  less 
into  all  our  theories  of  mourning,  and  this  respect  seems 
specially  due  to  older  people. 

When  one  is  in  deep  mourning,  one  does  not  go  into 
society,  nor  does  one  receive  nor  pay  visits.  Neither  does 
one  go  to  the  theatre,  or  other  public  place  of  amusement, 
unless  it  be  to  a  concert,  until  at  least  six  months  have 
elapsed  after  the  death  of  a  near  relative.  After  three 
months  it  is  considered  allowable  to  attend  concerts.  Some 
people  make  this  period  of  strict  seclusion  much  longer ; 
but  it  must  always  be  remembered  that  to  many  persons 
this  isolation  continued  for  months  or  years,  this  deprivation 
of  all  save  the  most  limited  society,  and  of  every  sort  of 
relaxation  or  amusement  that  could  take  their  minds  from 
the  one  preoccupying  thought,  is  not  only  very  depressing 
but  extremely  injurious.  We  are  not  all  alike,  and  to  some 
minds  it  is  fatal  to  be  allowed  to  prey  entirely  upon  them- 
selves. Hence,  while  people  in  deep  mourning  should  cer- 
tainly avoid  gay  society,  they  ought  not  to  be  too  strictly 
judged,  if,  after  a  decent  period  of  time,  they  find  it  to  be  for 
their  comfort  and  happiness  to  see  their  friends  occasionally 
in  a  quiet  way,  or  even  to  seek  the  consolation  of  music  at 
concerts.  The  strictest  and  most  formal  mourning  is  not 
always  the  most  sincere.  In  the  charming  story  of  "  Edel- 
weiss," the  author  describes  a  son,  who  crushed  with  grief 


MOURNING  DRESS  AND  CUSTOMS.  261 

for  the  loss  of  his  mother,  finds  his  only  consolation  in  re- 
suming work  at  his  trade  as  soon  as  the  funeral  is  over ; 
the  neighbors  are  of  course  deeply  scandalized  at  his  pro- 
ceedings, as  they  listen  to  the  tap,  tap  of  his  shoemaker's 
hammer. 

Older  people  should  not  expect  younger  ones  to  remain  in 
strict  seclusion  as  long  a  time  as  they  themselves  do ;  the  grief 
of  youth  is  often  very  intense,  but  it  does  not  usually  last  as 
long  as  that  of  persons  of  mature  years.  Moreover,  it  is  a 
cruel  thing  to  shroud  the  natural  gayety  and  bright  spirits  of 
the  young  in  long-continued  mourning  and  depression.  They 
should  of  course  be  willing  to  pay  a  proper  respect  to  the 
memory  of  the  relatives  they  have  lost ;  but  no  young  life 
should  be  permanently  shadowed  by  grief  and  sorrow. 

Some  gentlemen  put  on  complete  suits  of  black,  weeds  on 
their  hats,  and  black  gloves,  on  the  loss  of  any  near  relation. 
Most  men,  however,  confine  their  mourning  to  a  band  of 
crape  on  the  hat,  except  at  the  funeral,  when  they  wear  black 
suits  and  black  gloves.  Custom  varies  on  this  point  in 
different  cities.  In  New  York,  it  is  much  more  common  to 
see  gentlemen  dressed  in  mourning  than  it  is  in  Boston. 
Men  are  not  expected  to  seclude  themselves  from  society 
for  so  long  a  period  as  women,  though  every  one  is  shocked 
to  see  a  man  appear  in  the  gay  world  soon  after  the  death 
of  a  near  relative.  A  widower  often  wears  black  for  two 
years ;  it  is  perhaps  needless  to  state  that  many  men  cease  to 
be  widowers  long  before  that  period  is  over.  The  feeling  of 
society,  however,  is  in  favor  of  a  man's  remaining  faithful  to 
the  memory  of  his  wife  for  two  years  ;  longer  than  that  no 
one  expects  him  to  wait  before  consoling  himself.  A  widow, 
however,  is  never  quite  forgiven  by  the  world  at  large  if  she 
marries  again,  —  this  difference  in  our  judgments  of  the  con- 
duct of  the  two  sexes  shows  plainly  a  survival  of  savage  ideas 
in  the  midst  of  our  boasted  civilization. 


262  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Some  formal  people  dress  children  in  mourning  after  the 
loss  of  a  near  relative ;  but  to  most  of  us  it  seems  positively 
wrong  to  depress  the  spirits  of  a  little  one  by  such  solemn 
garb.  Childhood  comes  but  once.  God  endowed  children 
with  a  bright  and  happy  spirit ;  they  cannot  understand  the 
meaning  of  death  and  sorrow,  why  need  we  try  to  teach  it 
to  them  ?  The  compromise  of  dressing  children  in  white  is  a 
rather  unpractical  and  expensive  one. 

The  custom  of  putting  coachmen  and  footmen  into  mourn- 
ing livery  seems  a  very  empty  and  formal  one ;  nevertheless 
among  rich  people  in  New  York  and  elsewhere,  it  is  quite 
customary  to  do  so.  It  is  usual  to  wear  black  or  quiet  colors 
when  attending  a  funeral. 

When  there  has  been  a  de'ath  in  a  family,  it  is  customary 
for  friends  and  acquaintances  to  call  within  a  month,  not 
with  the  expectation  that  they  will  be  received,  but  merely 
to  show  their  sympathy.  Intimate  friends  call  much  sooner, 
—  before  the  funeral,  if  their  intimacy  warrants  it,  or  shortly 
after.  They  of  course  ask  to  see  the  family  ;  but  no  one 
should  feel  hurt  if  mourners,  in  the  first  prostration  of  grief, 
refuse  to  see  anybody. 

When  people  in  mourning  feel  ready  once  more  to  receive 
visits,  they  announce  the  fact  by  sending  out  black-edged 
cards  enclosed  in  envelopes  to  those  who  have  called  upon 
them.  This  is  by  no  means,  however,  a  universal  custom, 
although  a  convenient  one. 

According  to  an  old  superstition,  it  is  unlucky  for  any  one 
to  appear  at  a  wedding  dressed  in  black.  It  is  usual,  there- 
fore, even  for  those  in  deep  mourning,  to  lay  it  aside  for  that 
one  occasion,  and  to  appear  in  white,  gray,  or  purple,  or  in 
other  and  brighter  colors.  Of  course  people  who  are  in  deep 
mourning  attend  only  the  weddings  of  relatives  or  intimate 
friends,  and  would  not  in  any  case  be  present  at  large  or  gay 
wedding  receptions.  In  England,  deep  red  would  be  worn  at 


MOURNING  DRESS  AND  CUSTOMS.  263 

a  wedding,  as  the  alternative  for  mourning,  —  an  idea  perhaps 
derived  from  the  Chinese,  whose  mourning  color  is  red  and 
not  hlack.  Indeed,  an  Englishwoman  wearing  crape  will 
sometimes  appear  with  an  artificial  red  rose  stuck  in  her 
bonnet.  In  this  country,  no  one  would  think  of  wearing 
colored  artificial  flowers,  and  many  people  object  even  to 
natural  flowers  of  bright  colors  when  worn  with  mourning. 
In  second  mourning,  however,  it  seems  quite  proper  for  a 
lady  to  wear  natural  flowers  of  any  color  that  she  pleases, — 
not,  of  course,  in  profusion. 

Mourning  dress  should  be  left  off  gradually.  It  is  startling 
to  see  a  person  one  day  in  crapes  and  the  next  in  bright 
colors. 

Formal  letters  of  condolence  have  now  gone  out  of  fashion ; 
even  intimate  friends  confine  themselves  to  writing  short 
notes,  in  which  they  strive  to  express  their  real  sympathy, 
or  to  give  utterance  to  some  comforting  thought,  rather  than 
to  preach,  or  inculcate  a  lesson  of  resignation,  in  the  old-fash- 
ioned cruel  manner.  Sympathy  is  grateful  to  almost  every 
one,  and  we  are  all  glad  to  hear  words  of  hope  and  cheer  from 
those  who  have  a  true  and  living  faith  in  things  immortal 
and  invisible  ;  but  sorrow  brings  its  own  lesson,  and  seldom 
do  we  need  additional  ones  from  self-constituted  mortal  teach- 
ers, when  we  are  already  learning  from  a  Higher  Source.  It 
must  be  added  that  to  many  people  letters  of  condolence  are 
only  distressing,  and  serve  merely  to  keep  the  wound  open. 
If  these  letters  are  sent  at  all,  it  should  be  promptly,  if 
possible  within  a  week  or  two  after  a  death.  In  that  early 
time  of  grief,  the  mourners'  hearts  are  so  filled  to  overflow- 
ing that  they  cannot  do  anything  but  think  and  speak  of 
their  sorrow.  Later  on,  after  they  have  begun  to  take  up 
again  the  business  of  life,  while  they  may  grieve  as  deeply 
AS  ever,  a  certain  reserve  comes  over  their  feelings,  which 
makes  it  very  painful  to  many  people  either  to  read  letters 


264  SOCIAL  CUSTOM?. 

of  condolence  or  to  talk  about  those  they  have  lost.  Unless 
a  strong  feeling  urges  them  to  do  so,  persons  who  are  not 
intimate  friends  should  not  write  these  letters ;  of  course 
there  are  exceptions  to  this  rule,  notably  in  the  case  of  public 
or  other  well-known  characters,  where  their  relatives  feel  that 
tributes  to  their  worth  and  eminence  are  only  right  and 
proper,  and  to  be  expected. 

Visits  of  condolence  require  much  tact  on  the  part  of  those 
who  pay  them,  especially  where  they  are  made  some  time 
after  a  death  has  taken  place.  Unless  the  visitor  is  a  very 
intimate  friend,  it  is  generally  better  not  to  intrude  upon  the 
other's  sorrow  by  talking  freely  on  the  subject.  Rather 
should  one  lead  the  conversation  that  way,  and  give  the 
mourner  an  opportunity  —  if  she  wishes  —  to  speak  of  her 
grief  and  its  cause.  People  differ  much  in  this  respect ;  to 
some  it  is  a  relief  to  pour  forth  their  sorrow,  and  to  others  it 
is  so  painful  to  do  so,  that  friends  must  steer  a  middle  course 
between  seeming  indifferent  and  appearing  intrusive.  Tact, 
sympathy,  and  knowledge  of  a  friend's  character  must  dictate 
what  one  shall  do  or  say. 

Some  well-meaning  but  thoughtless  people  will  meet  an 
acquaintance  who  is  in  deep  affliction,  in  the  street,  or  in  a 
railroad  station,  and  will  perhaps  say,  "  I  am  so  sorry  to  have 
heard  of  your  trouble  !  "  Anxious  to  express  their  sympathy, 
they  forget  how  torturing  it  may  be  to  the  other  person  to 
have  her  wound  so  suddenly  probed,  and  in  such  a  public 
place,  where  it  would  be  most  unfitting  to  give  way  to  grief. 
It  is  quite  possible  by  look,  tone,  and  manner  to  indicate  the 
sympathy  which  time  and  place  forbid  one  to  express. 

Where  those  who  are  in  affliction  have  a  large  circle  of 
relatives  and  friends,  the  latter  should  remember  that  it  may 
be  extremely  painful  for  the  mourners  to  be  obliged  to 
recount  the  circumstances  of  their  loss,  and  give  a  detailed 
account  of  the  last  illness  and  death,  over  and  over  again. 


CHAPTER    XXVIII. 

HOST   AND  GUEST. 

THE  bond  between  host  and  guest  has  in  all  times  been 
held  to  be  of  a  peculiar  and  even  sacred  character.  In  ancient 
Greece  hospitality  was  a  matter  of  religion,  and  violation  of 
its  duties  was  thought  to  provoke  the  wrath  of  the  gods. 
A  stranger  was  regarded  as  enjoying  the  protection  of  Zeus 
Xenios,  and  was  received  and  guarded  from  harm  during  his 
stay.  Indeed,  the  roads  were  all  sacred,  and  whoever  passed 
over  them  was  the  guest  of  the  land.  A  free  lunch  even 
was  provided  for  him,  since  he  was  at  liberty  to  take  the 
offerings  of  food,  etc.,  which  were  to  be  found  in  front  of  the 
statues  of  the  tutelary  deity  of  the  road,  who  was  generally 
that  prince  of  thieves,  Hermes. 

When  the  guest  parted  from  his  host,  a  sort  of  true-love 
token  in  the  shape  of  a  die  was  sometimes  broken  between 
them.  Each  took  a  part,  and  a  family  connection  was  thus 
established,  the  broken  die  serving  as  a  symbol  of  recognition. 
The  guest  was  often  presented  with  valuable  gifts,  which  must 
have  been  rather  troublesome  to  carry  away  in  those  times 
when  express  companies  had  not  been  invented.  The  com- 
mon statement  that  a  stranger  was  considered  as  an  enemy 
is  said  to  be  a  groundless  one. 

The  Italian  races  had  customs  similar  to  those  of  the 
Greeks.  Jupiter  Hospitalis  watched  over  the  jus  hospitii,  or 
law  of  hospitality,  and  the  connection  between  host  and  guest 
often  became  hereditary.  In  ancient  Rome  the  law  recognized 


266  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

between  them  a  tie  almost  as  strong  as  that  which  connected 
patron  and  client,  and  a  guest  could  appear  in  a  court  of 
justice  only  through  his  host. 

The  hospitality  of  the  Hebrews  is  familiar  to  us  all  from 
the  pages  of  the  Bible.  Indeed,  Oriental  hospitality  is  so 
sacred  in  its  character,  and  so  picturesque  and  striking  in  its 
details,  that  it  has  come  to  be  the  source  of  imagery,  and  the 
type  of  which  we  all  involuntarily  think  whenever  the  rela- 
tions of  host  and  guest  are  under  discussion.  As  customs  in 
the  East  have  varied  so  little  during  many  ages,  we  may  still 
behold  and  wonder  at  ceremonies  hospitable  and  otherwise, 
which  have  been  practised  there  for  countless  centuries.  To 
our  more  emancipated  minds,  however,  the  long  and  ceremoni- 
ous salutations,  the  oft-repeated  hand-shakings  or  prostrations, 
the  giving  and  receiving  of  endless  presents,  together  with 
the  profound  gravity  pervading  all  these  and  other  ceremonies, 
seem  more  like  child's  play  than  the  behavior  suitable  to  full- 
grown  and  rational  beings.  The  hospitality  of  a  nation  will 
always  exhibit  some  of  its  special  characteristics.  Muni- 
ficence and  elaborate  ceremony  are  the  important  elements 
of  Oriental  hospitality ;  but  of  the  real  every -day  life  of  his 
host,  a  guest  travelling  in  the  East  necessarily  learns  very 
little. 

The  Englishman's  views  of  the  proper  reception  and  treat- 
ment of  a  guest  are  of  a  very  different  sort.  Love  of  liberty 
and  a  fondness  for  domestic  life  are  the  strongest  —  or  cer- 
tainly the  best  —  traits  of  the  Briton,  and  he  therefore  shares 
with  the  stranger  within  his  gates  what  he  himself  values 
most ;  namely,  perfect  freedom,  and  the  pleasures  of  home  life, 
also  roast  beef  and  beer  in  abundance. 

We  Americans  are  so  peripatetic  in  our  habits,  and  so 
active  in  our  tastes  and  pursuits,  that  we  sometimes  over- 
weary our  guests  by  the  number  of  amusements  provided 
for  their  delectation.  We  fairly  kill  them  with  kindness. 


HOST  AND  GUEST.  267 

The  French  value  inordinately  the  conversational  powers 
with  which  they  themselves  are  so  abundantly  gifted.  Ac- 
cordingly they  amuse  their  guests  with  a  vast  and  never- 
ending  flow  of  talk,  and  consider  the  mere  providing  of  food 
and  drink  as  a  very  inferior  branch  of  hospitality.  It  cer- 
tainly is  ;  and  the  civilization  of  a  nation  which  holds  it 
necessary  above  all  things  to  stuff  a  guest  thoroughly  and 
well,  as  if  he  were  a  pig,  is  on  a  much  lower  plane  than 
that  of  a  people  whose  cardinal  social  belief  is  in  the  necessity 
and  delight  of  an  interchange  of  thoughts  and  ideas. 

That  was  a  grave  charge  which  Mr.  Alcott  brought  against 
the  Chelsea  philosopher.  "  I  accuse  T.  Carlyle  of  inhospital- 
ity  to  my  thought,"  said  the  Concord  sage  —  or  so  the  story 
runs.  But  no  one  less  optimistic  than  Mr.  Alcott  could  have 
hoped  that  a  man  holding  ideas  and  theories  so  widely  dif- 
ferent from  his  own  as  did  Mr.  Carlyle,  could  even  momen- 
tarily sympathize  with  his  peculiar  views. 

The  host  is  necessarily  a  sort  of  temporary  ruler;  if  his 
guests  misbehave  in  any  way  he  is  considered  responsible  for 
them.  Like  all  rulers,  he  is  liable  to  be  in  some  degree  a 
tyrant,  though  perhaps  with  the  best  intentions  in  the  world. 
The  old-fashioned  host  would  not  think  of  allowing  his 
guests  to  leave  the  house  before  the  proper  hour  for  their 
departure,  and  detained  them  almost  by  force,  —  all  in  the 
exercise  of  his  duty.  Nay,  he  did  more  than  this ;  for  he 
often  compelled  them  to  drink  much  more  wine  than  was 
good  for  them. 

The  modern  host  is  but  a  shadow  of  his  ancient  prototype. 
Indeed,  one  of  the  most  striking  changes  in  our  manners  is  to 
be  found  in  the  surrender  of  the  sceptre  of  hospitality  to  the 
hands  of  women.  The  host  has  become  of  little  importance, 
the  hostess  is  the  powerful  factor ;  and  even  the  invitations  — 
for  almost  all  social  occasions  —  stand  in  her  name  alone.  In 
America  our  men  are  too  busy  to  give  their  time  to  the  con- 


268  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

sideration  of  social  matters.  Besides,  the  women  wish  to  rule, 
and  the  men  of  our  country,  with  the  latter-day  common- 
sense  sort  of  chivalry  that  distinguishes  them  above  all 
others,  think  it  only  fair  to  grant  us  this  privilege.  They 
bear  in  mind  the  French  proverb,  "  Les  hommes  font  les  lois, 
les  fenimes  font  les  mceurs,"  and  for  the  most  part  submit  to 
the  petticoat  government  of  society  without  a  murmur.  Here 
and  there  a  gentleman  of  leisure,  endowed  with  social  talent, 
aspires  to  leadership  in  the  world  of  fashion;  but  he  finds 
it  a  thankless  task.  A  few  people  recognize  his  services,  but 
the  many  are  inclined  to  make  fun  of  and  sneer  at  him. 
"  A  government  of  the  women,  by  the  women,  for  the  women," 
is  our  social  motto  in  America  ;  and  with  the  conservatism 
peculiar  to  a  republic,  we  do  not  readily  abandon  our 
creed. 

While  hospitality  is  undoubtedly  a  duty,  it  loses  half  its 
charm  the  moment  people  cease  to  look  upon  it  as  a  pleasure. 
A  conscientious  but  unwilling  host  is  like  those  virtuous  and 
austere  persons  who  make  goodness  hateful  because  they 
practise  it  in  such  a  disagreeable  way.  Nor  should  a  truly 
hospitable  person  keep  too  strict  a  debit  and  credit  account 
with  society,  —  inviting  his  guests  in  order  to  clear  off  his 
social  debts,  instead  of  for  the  pleasure  of  seeing  and  enter- 
taining them.  "I  can  always  tell,"  said  a  witty  Boston 
woman,  "whether  a  party  has  been  made  to  pay  off  social 
obligations,  or  merely  for  the  fun  of  the  thing.  Where  the 
people  are  all  uncongenial  spirits,  and  bore  their  hostess  and 
each  other  half  to  death,  it  is  very  evident  why  they  were 
asked  together." 

Such  a  company  will  be  much  like  a  meal  that  is  planned 
for  the  sole  purpose  of  "  eating  up  "  what  is  in  the  house,  or 
like  a  costume  gotten  up  to  wear  out  various  heterogene- 
ous garments  that  have  no  real  relation  to  each  other. 
Economy  is  an  excellent  minor  virtue ;  but  it  is  not  noble 


HOST  AND  GUEST.  269 

enough  to  stand  in  the  first  place,  and  should  always  be 
gracefully  concealed  beneath  some  loftier  motive.  The  spirit 
which  cannot  brook  being  under  obligations  even  to  a  friend 
is  certainly  a  churlish  one.  It  is  better  —  at  least  it  is  more 
independent  —  than  the  spirit  which  permits  a  person  to  re- 
ceive favors  constantly  without  a  thought  of  doing  anything 
in  return,  but  either  is  undesirable.  It  is  just  as  noble  to 
receive  a  kindness  gracefully,  though  without  servility,  as  to 
give  generously,  yet  not  in  a  patronizing  spirit.  Indeed,  only 
a  generous  nature  understands  either  how  to  give  or  to  re- 
ceive. The  man  who  knows  the  blessedness  of  giving  is 
willing  that  his  friends  shall  know  it  also. 

How  much  pleasure  do  we  lose  in  this  life  by  the  persist- 
ent habit  of  regarding  certain  duties  as  disagreeable  which 
often  prove  to  be  just  the  reverse !  "  I  have  sixty  calls  to 
make  during  this  month  ;  how  I  hate  the  thought ! "  says 
some  lady  with  a  large  circle  of  acquaintance.  She  starts  out 
to  make  her  round  of  visits,  in  the  stern  spirit  of  a  martyr, 
rejoices  greatly  because  eleven  of  her  friends  are  "not-  at 
home,"  but  has  a  delightful  time  with  the  single  friend  who 
is  not  out ! 

One  old  friend  called  upon  another,  not  a  thousand  miles 
from  Boston,  and  was  exceedingly  amused  by  a  memorandum 
which  was  placed  in  the  lady's  bedroom  in  a  conspicuous 
position.  It  was  written  in  a  large  hand,  and  read,  "  Must 
go  to  see  So-and-so."  The  visitor  was  Mrs.  So-and-so 
herself ! 

Some  hosts  entertain  their  guests  with  so  much  energy,  and 
are  so  extremely  conscientious  about  providing  amusements 
of  various  kinds,  that  they  are  completely  worn  out  by  the 
time  their  friends  leave.  They  dread  having  company  be- 
cause it  implies  to  their  minds  a  vast  amount  of  fatigue  and 
exertion.  Such  people  have  but  one  idea  in  regard  to  hos- 
pitality ;  namely,  that  it  consists  in  killing  the  fatted  calf,  — 


270  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

which  they  proceed  to  do  in  every  sense,  and  with  great  thor- 
oughness. Indeed,  they  offer  up  as  a  sort  of  holocaust  to  the 
visitor  the  time,  comfort,  and  convenience  of  the  entire 
household,  —  as  far,  that  is  to  say,  as  the  individual  members 
of  it  will  permit  themselves  to  be  sacrificed. 

All  this  is  a  very  mistaken  notion  of  hospitality,  and  often 
proves  as  burdensome  to  the  guest  as  to  the  host.  Unless  a 
person  is  extremely  unobservant  or  extremely  selfish  it  will 
make  him  very  uncomfortable  to  find  that  every  one  else 
is  put  about  simply  for  his  convenience ;  and  the  feeling  of 
unrest  which  pervades  the  household  will  communicate  itself 
to  him  also.  The  good  old  saying,  "  Make  yourself  at  home," 
—  how  much  it  implies  !  But  a  guest  cannot  feel  at  home 
where  no  one  else  feels  so,  —  where  every  one  is  uncomfort- 
able, and  all  ordinary  arrangements  are  turned  topsy-turvy. 
If  an  atmosphere  of  self-sacrifice  fills  the  air,  the  stranger 
within  the  gates  will  inhale  it,  and  he  too  will  be  in  the 
prevailing  mood.  What  an  artificial  and  "  strained  "  state  of 
affairs  this  will  bring  about,  most  of  us  know  from  sad 
experience. 

In  order  to  make  the  guest  feel  "  at  home,"  the  host  must 
feel  so  himself.  No  one  would  think  of  leaving  his  house, 
when  he  expected  company,  in  order  that  the  guests  might 
have  it  all  to  themselves;  it  would  not  be  hospitable  to  do 
so.  Neither  is  it  true  hospitality  to  abandon  all  one's  ordi- 
nary habits  and  ways  of  life.  Your  friend  wants  to  see  you 
in  your  own  home  and  in  your  own  home-life,  —  modified  for 
his  behoof  and  convenience,  but  not  turned  inside  out  and 
upside  down.  The  family  skeleton,  if  there  is  one,  may  as 
well  be  put  in  the  closet,  and  family  jars  may  be  shelved  for 
a  time,  with  advantage. 

How  blessed  is  that  household  whose  every-day  life  is  so 
harmonious  and  well-regulated  that  no  unsightly  bones  have 
to  be  hidden  away  on  the  sudden  approach  of  guests !  I 


HOST  AND  GUEST.  271 

know  of  one  such  home,  where  the  sun  always  shines  in 
hearts  and  faces,  where  the  children  behave  well  every  day, 
and  the  parents  never  quarrel.  The  motto  of  this  house  is, 
to  use  the  best  every  day.  The  best  manners,  the  best  tem- 
pers, the  best  silver,  china,  glass,  and  linen  you  will  see  there, 
not  on  holidays  only,  but  on  working-days  as  well ;  and  all 
the  visitors  who  are  lucky  enough  to  stay  at  that  house  re- 
gard it  as  the  ideal  home,  and  the  most  delightful  place  in 
the  world  to  visit. 

It  is  in  the  country,  of  course.  "We  must  go  to  the  country 
to  find  our  ideal  of  hospitality ;  in  town,  people  are  so  hur- 
ried and  busy,  and  have  so  many  other  pleasures,  that  they 
cannot  enjoy  the  full  measure  of  hospitality  which  is  given 
and  received  in  quiet  country  places.  You  must  have  a 
desert  before  you  can  have  an  oasis ;  and  it  has  been  cynically 
asserted  that  the  far-famed  hospitality  of  our  own  South  was 
due  largely  to  the  isolated  and  lonely  position  of  those  who 
exercised  it, — people  who  lived  on  great  plantations  forty  or 
fifty  miles  from  any  possible  society.  This  is  not  quite  just 
to  our  Southern  brethren,  because  people  who  live  lonely 
lives  in  quiet  places  are  not  always  hospitably  inclined ;  if 
they  are  naturally  fond  of  dwelling  alone  the  tendency  will 
grow  with  what  it  feeds  on,  until  an  almost  churlish  spirit  01 
seclusion  and  great  social  indolence  will  be  developed. 

What  a  picture  does  Susan  Coolidge  give,  in  her  "  What 
Katy  Did,"  of  the  miseries  suffered  by  two  little  girls  who 
go  to  visit  a  kind  but  fat  and  lazy  old  woman  in  the 
country  !  The  poor  little  souls  are  given  a  hot  attic-chamber, 
with  a  feather-bed  to  sleep  on,  and  a  window  provided  with 
a  rattling  paper  shade,  but  without  mosquito -bars,  —  all  this 
in  the  middle  of  summer  !  They  find  the  butter  melt- 
ing into  oil,  nothing  on  the  table  that  they  can  eat,  and 
flies,  flies  everywhere  !  The  old  woman  beams  kindly  on 
them  when  she  is  not  asleep ;  but  age  and  adipose  prevent 


272  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

her  ever  ascending  her  own  stairs  to  attend  to  her  guests' 
comfort. 

A  very  important  rule  of  hospitality  is  not  to  invite  people 
to  visit  you  unless  you  can  make  them  comfortable.  It  is 
generally  unwise  to  invite  any  one  to  stay  under  your  roof, 
who  is  accustomed  to  a  much  more  elaborate  and  expensive 
style  of  living  than  your  own.  Of  course  there  are  excep- 
tions to  this  rule ;  where,  for  instance,  you  can  offer  other 
attractions  to  your  visitor  which  should  more  than  compen- 
sate for  the  plainer  mode  of  life.  If  your  summer  cottage  is 
on  the  sea-shore,  or  in  any  very  attractive  locality,  you  will 
find  most  of  your  friends  very  willing  to  endure  a  little  in- 
convenience for  the  sake  of  enjoying  a  whiff  of  the  salt  air. 
Young  people  are  usually  not  very  particular  about  their 
accommodations,  as  long  as  they  are  offered  "  a  real  good 
time,"  in  school-girl  parlance.  There  are  some  young  girls 
who  are  so  pampered  and  luxurious,  however,  that  they 
cannot  be  happy  in  any  surroundings  save  those  to  which 
they  are  accustomed.  Hence  a  wise  hostess  will  carefully 
consider  the  character  as  well  as  the  age  and  social  condition 
of  the  guests  whom  she  proposes  to  invite.  She  will  also  en- 
deavor to  give  them,  as  far  as  is  in  her  power,  the  comforts  and 
conveniences  to  which  they  have  been  accustomed  at  home. 
The  guests  on  their  part  should  endeavor  to  give  as  little 
trouble  as  possible,  and  should  conform  their  habits  to  those 
of  the  household  of  which  they  are  temporarily  members. 
They  should  be  especially  careful  to  be  punctual  at  all 
meals,  and  not  to  treat  their  friends'  servants  as  if  the  lat- 
ter were  their  own,  sending  them  on  errands  or  calling  upon 
them  for  special  services.  To  do  so  would  be  to  commit  an 
unwarrantable  breach  of  the  laws  ot  etiquette. 

Mrs.  Kemble  relates  in  her  journal  that  Mademoiselle 
D'Este  (an  unfortunate  lady  whose  principal  aim  in  life  ap- 
pears to  have  been  the  assertion  of  claims  to  royal  dignity 


HOST  AND  GUEST.  273 

which  were  never  allowed)  used  regularly  to  come  down 
late  to  dinner  when  visiting  at  the  country-houses  of  the 
English  nobility.  She  knew  that  if  she  entered  the  dining- 
room  with  the  rest  of  the  company,  the  precedence  whicli 
she  considered  her  due  might  not  be  awarded  her,  and  she 
was  determined  that  no  mere  duchess  or  countess  should  go 
into  dinner  before  herself.  Therefore  she  entered  alone, 
after  every  one  else  was  seated,  making  a  graceful  inclination 
to  her  host,  and  an  apology  for  her  perpetual  tardiness  ! 

In  this  country  it  is  not  considered  polite  to  take  a  valet 
or  maid  when  going  to  make  a  visit  at  a  friend's  house,  un- 
less one  has  received  special  permission  to  do  so. 

A  visitor  should  be  extremely  careful  not  to  overstay  the 
time  for  which  he  was  originally  invited,  unless  under  extraor- 
dinary circumstances.  When  the  day  fixed  for  the  depar- 
ture arrives,  a  hostess  often  makes  some  polite  remarks,  to 
the  effect  that  she  is  sorry  her  guest  must  go  so  soon,  etc. 
This  is  said  merely  by  way  of  compliment ;  but  some  young 
people  who  are  careless  and  thoughtless  allow  themselves  to 
be  very  easily  persuaded  to  prolong  their  stay,  if  urged  by 
the  daughters  or  sons  of  the  house  to  do  so,  forgetting  that 
their  invitation  should  come  from  the  hostess  herself,  and 
that  it  must  be  more  than  ordinarily  pressing  before  they  are 
justified  in  changing  the  limit  originally  set  for  their  stay. 
In  England,  guests  at  a  country-house  are  invited  always  for 
a  definite  length  of  time,  and  on  the  appointed  day  the  car- 
riage drives  up  and  the  guest  departs  without  peradventure. 
In  this  country,  we  are  not  always  so  exact.  Where  guests 
are  invited  to  visit  friends  at  a  distance,  a  visit  is  usually 
supposed  to  be  of  a  week's  duration,  if  no  time  has  been  fixed  ; 
but  an  invitation  for  a  few  days  may  mean  anything  from 
two  days  to  a  week.  According  to  the  old  English  rule,  a 
first  visit  should  never  exceed  a  week. 

If  a  hostess  wishes  her  friends  to  call  upon  her  guest,  she 
18 


274  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

should  let  them  know  beforehand  at  what  time  her  visitor  is 
expected,  so  that  they  may  have  plenty  of  time  to  offer  any 
social  attention  which  they  may  be  inclined  to  show.  The 
best  way  to  secure  other  invitations  for  a  guest,  is  to  invite 
friends  to  meet  her  in  the  early  part  of  her  visit,  issuing  the 
invitations  before  her  arrival ;  for,  if  she  is  to  remain  only  a 
week,  and  people  are  not  invited  to  meet  her  until  the  middle 
of  the  visit,  they  will  have  scant  time  to  show  her  any  hos- 
pitable attentions.  "  You  are  going  day  after  to-morrow  ? 
I  am  so  sorry  !  If  you  were  only  to  stay  longer,  I  should  be 
so  glad  to  see  you  at  our  house,"  etc.  A  hostess  often  hears 
remarks  of  this  sort  made,  and  laments  her  own  tardiness, 
which  has  destroyed  all  these  charming  possibilities  for  her 
guest's  entertainment. 

It  is  always  proper  to  write  and  ask  if  one  may  bring  a 
friend  who  is  staying  in  the  house,  if  one  is  invited  to  a  ball, 
reception,  or  any  large  general  occasion  where  an  indefinite 
number  of  people  are  to  be  present.  One  or  two,  more  or  less, 
will  make  no  difference  in  the  hostess'  arrangements  for  such 
an  event.  But  it  is  not  proper,  under  ordinary  circumstances, 
to  ask  leave  to  bring  a  guest  to  a  dinner  or  formal  luncheon 
party,  for  obvious  reasons.  A  hostess  should  not  go  out  to 
dine,  or  spend  the  evening,  unless  her  guest  is  invited  also, 
or  has  some  other  amusement  provided.  Where  the  guest  is 
an  intimate  friend,  or  constantly  receives  and  accepts  separate 
invitations,  this  rule  is  often  waived. 

It  is  not  polite  to  invite  a  guest  to  any  general  entertain- 
ment without  also  inviting  the  lady  under  whose  roof  the  for- 
mer is  staying.  Even  for  a  luncheon  or  dinner-party  it  is  more 
polite  to  invite  the  hosts  also  whenever  it  is  possible  to  do  so. 

When  calling  upon  a  guest,  a  card  must  invariably  be  left 
for  the  lady  of  the  house  also,  as  has  been  said  elsewhere. 
Where  one  card  only  is  left,  it  is  always  held  to  be  for  the 
hostess. 


HOST  AND  GUEST.  275 

While  one  should  endeavor  to  procure  invitations  and  pro- 
vide pleasant  amusements  for  a  guest,  it  is  a  great  mistake  to 
attempt  to  lay  out  all  his  time,  or  to  try  to  entertain  him  all 
day  long.  It  is  said  that  the  English  understand  to  perfec- 
tion the  art  or  want  of  art  that  is  necessary  to  entertain 
guests  at  a  country-house.  Everything  about  the  house  and 
grounds  is  put  at  their  disposal ;  they  may  walk,  drive,  read, 
play  billiards,  smoke,  or  shoot,  to  suit  themselves.  In  short, 
they  may  employ  their  time  as  they  please  until  the  late 
dinner-hour  brings  all  together.  In  the  evening  every  one 
is  expected  to  remain  in  the  drawing-rooms,  and  to  contrib- 
ute, as  far  as  in  him  lies,  to  the  general  amusement  of  the 
company. 

There  is  one  great  drawback  to  the  pleasure  of  visiting  at 
English  country-seats,  and  that  is  the  great  expense  it  en- 
tails on  account  of  the  vicious  system  of  fees.  At  a  first- 
class  house,  belonging  to  one  of  the  nobility  or  gentry,  a 
pound  sterling  is  the  smallest  fee  that  it  is  allowable  to  give ; 
and  this  sum  must  be  given  freely  to  every  servant  who  has 
performed  any  service,  even  the  slightest,  for  a  guest,  such 
as  the  porter  who  has  barely  laid  hands  on  one's  portemanteau. 
A  game-keeper  must  be  feed  on  a  much  higher  scale  ;  twenty- 
five  dollars  is  the  least  amount  of  money  some  of  these  digni- 
taries will  accept !  It  is  said  that  the  English  nobility 
themselves  regret  the  existence  of  this  system  of  extortion, 
but  have  not  the  power  to  stop  it.  Jeemes,  with  all  his  airs 
of  humility,  is  in  reality  more  of  a  despot  than  his  master, 
the  hereditary  ruler. 

As  I  take  my  leave  of  host  and  guest,  there  rises  before 
me  the  well-known  figure  of  one  who  is  an  ideal  hostess,  and 
on  whose  face  there  is  a  look  of  reproach  which  seems  to  say, 
"  Am  not  I  too  worthy  of  mention  1 "  She  is  a  woman  of 
tall  and  commanding  figure,  of  ancient  family,  and  of  ample 
worldly  means.  All  these  advantages  she  uses,  not  to  awe 


276  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

or  humble  other  people,  but  to  minister  to  their  pleasure,  — 
to  give  them  the  best  of  all  she  has.  To  entertain  her  friends 
is  her  greatest  delight,  and  the  absence  of  any  invited 
guest  causes  her  a  real  and  unfeigned  regret.  As  the  hour 
for  the  feast  approaches,  her  face  fairly  beams  with  the  anti- 
cipation of  the  pleasure  which  she  is  to  afford  others.  "  Good- 
will to  men"  is  written  there  in  letters  of  light,  and  each 
guest  says  to  himself,  as  he  looks  at  the  bright,  happy  coun- 
tenance, "  I  am  truly  welcomed  ;  how  can  I  help  enjoying 
myself? " 

It  takes  two  or  three  real  persons,  however,  to  make  an 
ideal,  and  since  the  task  has  been  begun,  I  must  mention 
one  more  very  charming  hostess  who  has  the  art  of  entertain- 
ing her  guests  so  that  all  are  pleased,  whether  she  is  holding 
a  stately  reception  or  an  informal  picnic  in  the  woods.  This 
lady  enjoys  society,  —  not  perhaps  with  the  fervor  of  youth, 
but  with  a  more  quiet  and  enduring  satisfaction.  Her  spirits 
rise  as  her  guests  assemble ;  indeed  no  woman  ever  becomes 
a  social  leader  unless  she  takes  real  pleasure  in  meeting  with 
her  kind. 

This  lady  has  the  art  of  compounding  into  a  harmonious 
whole  heterogeneous  elements  which  could  not  be  fused  save 
by  a  master  hand.  With  an  apparent  madness  which  yet  has 
its  method  she  mingles  artists,  poets,  and  mere  society  people 
in  her  magic  caldron.  Over  all  plays  the  benevolent  light- 
ning of  her  scintillating  wit,  and  literary  men  and  fashion- 
able women  find  an  unsuspected  charm  in  each  other's  society 
while  galvanized  by  the  electric  current  of  her  social  sympathy 
and  power.  Do  more  figures  loom  before  me  on  the  social 
horizon  ]  Alas  !  it  was  a  rash  act  to  summon  one  spirit  from 
the  great  army  of  charming  women.  But  I  will  hold  parley 
with  no  more  ghosts  to-day  ;  "  ab  uno  disce  omnes." 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

COUNTRY   MANNERS   AND   HOSPITALITY. 

PEOPLE  who  live  in  the  country  often  make  the  mistake  of 
endeavoring  to  entertain  their  guests  in  city  fashion.  They 
think  that  nothing  else  will  suit  their  town-bred  friends  ; 
or  perhaps  they  themselves  have  an  overweening  admiration 
for  city  life  and  all  that  pertains  to  it.  Hence  country  cousins 
indulge  in  an  imitation  which  is  of  course  the  sincerest 
flattery,  but  is  nevertheless  apt  to  be  disastrous. 

We  go  to  the  country  because  we  are  tired  of  the  town ; 
and  we  hope  to  find  there,  not  a  second  or  third  rate  repro- 
duction of  ways  of  life  with  which  we  are  wearily  familiar, 
but  something  new  and  different,  —  change,  rest,  and  quiet, 
refreshing  communion  Avith  Xature,  and  a  mode  of  life  less 
artificial  than  a  city  existence  must  of  necessity  be.  We 
wish,  of  course,  to  find  refinement  of  life  and  manners 
wherever  we  go,  but  in  the  country  the  heart  of  man  longs 
for  simplicity ;  alas !  the  longing  is  usually  a  vain  one. 
Few  dwellers  in  the  country  have  the  common-sense  of 
Shakspeare's  Shepherd,  who  says  :  "  Those  that  are  good 
manners  at  the  court  are  as  ridiculous  in  the  country  as  the 
behavior  of  the  country  is  most  mockable  at  the  court." 

Manners  do  not  need  to  be  radically  changed  under  differing 
circumstances,  but  to  be  adapted  property  to  time  and  place. 
Happy  is  the  man  whose  manners  fit  his  situation  in  life,  — 
who  can  take  a  lower  room,  if  such  be  the  change  fate  brings 


278  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

him,  without  loss  of  dignity,  and  who  can  take  a  higher  station 
without  any  assumption  of  arrogance  or  pride. 

Every  change  in  our  circumstances  must  bring  some 
change  in  our  manners ;  it  depends  on  ourselves,  very  largely, 
whether  the  change  is  for  the  better  or  the  worse.  Emerson 
says :  — 

"  Manners  are  the  revealers  of  secrets,  the  betrayers  of  any 
disproportion  or  want  of  symmetry  in  mind  and  character. 
It  is  the  law  of  our  constitution  that  every  change  in  our  ex- 
perience instantly  indicates  itself  on  our  countenance  and 
carriage,  as  the  lapse  of  time  tells  itself  on  the  face  of  a  clock. 
"We  may  be  too  obtuse  to  read  it,  but  the  record  is  there. 
Some  men  may  be  obtuse  to  read  it,  but  some  men  are  not 
obtuse  and  do  read  it." 

In  our  own  country,  fortunes  change  hands  so  constantly, 
and  with  such  startling  rapidity,  that  many  men  and  women 
have  their  characters,  and  consequently  their  manners,  put 
to  a  severe  test.  Of  the  two  extremes,  a  sudden  rise  in 
fortune  is  a  greater  test  of  good  breeding,  I  think,  than  a 
sudden  fall.  It  takes  greater  strength  to  ascend  than  to 
descend,  and  we  demand  greater  things  of  a  successful  man 
than  we  do  of  a  defeated  one.  We  worship  the  rising  sun ; 
but  our  sympathies  are  with  the  sunset,  and  we  admire  it 
more  than  we  do  its  gaudy  and  boastful  brother  of  the  early 
morning. 

A  lady  dined,  not  long  ago,  with  some  friends  in  the 
country  who  had  shortly  before  received  a  large  accession 
to  their  fortune  and  had  built  unto  themselves  a  new  house, 
—  wider,  more  costly,  more  elegant  in  its  appointments  than 
their  former  residence.  On  her  return  home  she  was  closely 
questioned  about  her  hosts  and  their  new  abode  ;  and  she 
said  much  in  praise  of  all  the  new  finery,  but  with  a  certain 
reserve  in  her  encomiums.  "Weren't  they  cordial  —  were 
they  haughty?"  said  the  inquisitor  of  the  home-circle.  "  Yes, 


COUNTRY  MANNERS  AND  HOSPITALITY.     279 

yes,"  was  the  answer,  "  they  were  everything  that  was  kind 
and  cordial  —  but  —  but  —  they  are  n't  big  or  grand  enough 
for  their  new  house  !  "  which  was  a  homely  way  of  saying 
that  their  manners  had  not  grown  yet  to  suit  their  altered 
circumstances. 

Some  people  never  do  change  their  manners,  whatever  may 
happen  to  their  outer  circumstances.  It  is  said  that  at  least 
one  bonanza  millionnaire  of  California  retains  his  early  sim- 
plicity of  demeanor,  although  living  in  a  palace  fit  for  a 
prince.  His  wife,  recognizing  her  own  inability  to  be  or  ap- 
pear like  a  fine  lady,  remains  just  as  she  was  in  the  old  days 
of  poverty,  and  seems  more  like  a  respectable  upper  servant 
than  the  mistress  of  untold  millions.  Of  course  there  is  a 
striking  incongruity  between  the  demeanor  of  this  worthy 
couple  and  their  palatial  surroundings ;  nevertheless  they 
are  much  more  respected  than  they  would  be  if  they  tried 
unsuccessfully  to  ape  the  manners  of  another  class,  and  to 
bridge  over  the  fatal  gaps  in  their  early  training  and  educa- 
tion. There  are  some  gaps  so  wide  that  no  social  engineer 
has  skill  enough  to  throw  a  span  across  them. 

But  we  are  wandering  from  our  main  theme, — the  manners 
suitable  to  a  country  life.  It  goes  without  saying  that  New- 
port and  other  gay  watering-places  do  not  —  and  in  the  na- 
ture of  things  cannot — have  much  in  common  with  the  real 
country,  either  in  manners  or  in  the  general  way  of  life. 
Still,  even  here,  there  is  a  growing  tendency  toward  the  ultra 
imitation  of  city  life,  which  many  people  deplore.  Rugged 
Mount  Desert  itself  is  becoming  too  stereotyped  to  suit  the  taste 
of  these  latter.  They  say  —  and  with  good  reason  —  that 
they  do  not  wish  to  spend  the  summer  in  a  roiind  of  visit- 
ing, and  perpetual  condition  of  dress  parade,  —  in  a  mere  rep- 
etition, in  fact,  of  the  doings  of  the  winter's  gay  season. 
When  Bishop  Heber  wrote,  — 

"Though  every  prospect  pleases,  and  only  inau  is  vile," 


280  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

it  is  just  possible  that  he  had  in  his  mind  the  environs  of  a 
fashionable  watering-place,  —  the  splendid  equipages,  gorgeous 
toilets,  and  bored  expression  of  countenance  of  the  gay  dames 
and  their  cavaliers,  contrasting  incongruously  with  the  quiet 
green  fields  and  pastures,  and  the  peaceful  cattle  taking  their 
ease  therein. 

Thackeray  describes  in  his  own  inimitable  manner  the 
pitiful  humbug,  and  striving  after  effect  of  a  foolish  family 
who  live  in  the  country.  These  people  endeavor  to  keep 
up  a  style'nf  living  far  beyond  their  means,  and  to  consort 
with  persons  much  richer  and  more  fashionable  than  them- 
selves. Hence  they  are  driven  to  all  sorts  of  petty  subter- 
fuges, in  order  to  conceal  their  real  manner  of  life  ;  and  live 
poorly  and  meanly  in  private,  that  they  may  make  an  occa- 
sional grand  display  before  half  a  dozen  county  families. 

The  mother  and  daughter  are  "  caught"  by  some  of  their 
grand  acquaintances  when  in  the  act  of  trimming  their  own 
vines  and  fig-trees,  and  rush  into  the  house  by  the  back  door, 
vainly  hoping  that  they  have  not  been  seen  in  their  old 
clothes ! 

Furthermore,  they  disgust  the  guest  of  the  household  (an 
old  friend  from  town)  by  constant  and  tedious  would-be 
fashionable  talk,  as  well  as  by  giving  him  an  endless  succes- 
sion of  dinners  made  from  the  family  pig,  relieved  by  sour 
beer  and  poor  wine. 

Yes,  all  this  humbug  and  sham  we  find  in  the  city  too  ; 
but  contemptible  as  it  is  everywhere,  it  is  nowhere  so  much 
so  as  in  the  presence  of  the  woods  and  fields  and  hills,  where 
Dame  Nature's  broad  smile  invites  us  constantly  to  be  at  one 
with  her,  and  to  abandon  all  shallow  pretences. 

If  a  lady  likes  to  tend  her  own  flower-beds  and  prune  her 
own  vines,  by  all  means  let  her  do  so,  and  let  her  not  be 
foolish  enough  to  feel  any  shame  if  she  is  seen  engaged  in  so 
sensible  a  pursuit.  If  she  wears  a  neat  garden-hat,  and  a 


COUNTRY  MANNERS  AND  HOSPITALITY.     281 

pretty,  becoming  calico  dress,  it  does  n't  matter  who  sees  her 
at  her  work.  But  just  here  lies  another  difficulty  ;  namely, 
that  many  persons  think  any  dress  is  good  enough  to  work 
in,  no  matter  ho\v  old,  shabby,  and  soiled  it  may  be.  This 
is  a  most  unsound  theory,  and  one  which  has  more  than  a 
little  to  do  with  making  people  feel  ashamed  of  work. 

No  matter  what  one  is  doing  or  where  one  is  going,  it  is  a 
part  of  self-respect  to  be  dressed  neatly  and  in  whole  raiment ; 
and  it  is  surprising  to  find  how  seldom  it  is  necessary  to 
wear  soiled  or  shabby  clothes  if  one  only  determines  not  to 
do  so.  With  a  good  big  apron,  gloves,  and  short  skirts,  one 
may  even  work  in  the  garden,  —  set  out  flowers  and  water 
them,  —  and  look  little  the  worse  for  it.  A  person  who 
thinks  any  clothes  are  good  enough  to  work  in  does  not 
appreciate  the  dignity  of  labor. 

The  difficulty  of  procuring  good  butcher's  meat  is  apt  to 
be  a  serious  stumbling-block  in  the  real  country ;  and  when 
Thackeray  sounds  a  note  of  woe  apropos  of  being  obliged  (in 
the  person  of  his  hero)  to  feed  extensively  on  the  family  pig,  he 
touches  a  chord  to  which  many  a  heart  will  thrill  responsively. 
Country  hosts  should  remember  that  guests  from  the  city  are 
accustomed  to  plenty  of  fresh  meat,  and  to  meat  that  is  not 
tough.  But  if  the  host  cannot  procure  tender  meat,  he  can 
at  least  avoid  frying  beefsteaks,  and  roasting  beef  and  mutton 
to  death.  Beefsteak  should  always  be  broiled  over  a  clear 
fire  and  always  cooked  rare,  —  as  also  in  a  lesser  degree 
should  mutton-chops. 

A  guest  at  a  country-house  should  be  somewhat  forbear- 
ing, and  not  unmindful  of  the  difficulties  that  encompass  a 
rural  purveyor.  It  would  not  be  polite,  for  instance,  to 
copy  the  behavior  of  a  certain  lady  who  drove  several  miles 
into  the  country  to  visit  some  friends,  and  who  accepted 
their  invitation  to  stay  and  take  "  pot-luck "  with  them. 
Roast  lamb  made  its  appearance  upon  the  dinner-table,  and 


282  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

was  duly  offered  to  the  guest  of  the  occasion.  What  were 
the  feelings  of  the  hostess  and  her  family  when  their  guest 
said  in  an  oracular  tone,  "  My  grandmother  Jones  never 
could  eat  lamb,  and  7  never  can  ! "  Luckily  a  small  side- 
dish  of  chicken  saved  the  hosts  from  utter  confusion  and 
disgrace ;  but  supposing  that  there  had  been  no  chicken, 
what  then] 

In  that  case  they  would  have  been  obliged  to  fall  back 
upon  their  fruit  and  vegetables,  which,  with  plenty  of  fresh 
milk,  cream,  butter,  and  eggs,  must  always  form  the  chief 
strongholds  of  a  country  table.  People  who  eat  vegetables 
and  fruit  fresh  from  their  own  gardens  every  day,  do  not 
realize  what  a  treat  they  are  constantly  enjoying.  If  they  did 
they  certainly  would  not,  like  some  unwise  country  house- 
keepers, take  endless  trouble  to  make  elaborate  desserts  and 
an  infinite  variety  of  cake,  neglecting  the  delicious  fruit  at 
their  very  doors,  or  perhaps  (to  the  still  greater  vexation  of 
their  guests)  putting  it  all  into  the  preserving-kettle  to  coldly 
furnish  forth  next  winter's  tea-table.  Cream,  butter,  milk, 
eggs,  fruit,  vegetables,  chickens,  —  let  the  country  house- 
keeper have  these  written  on  her  heart  of  hearts ;  and 
whatever  else  she  may  add  thereto,  she  must  never  take 
these  away,  but  remember  that  they  are  her  crowning  glory, 
and  should  always  be  of  the  best  quality. 

Next,  let  her  have  her  table  —  and  indeed  all  her  house  — 
cheerful  and  fragrant  with  fresh  flowers.  Of  course  it  is 
her  sacred  duty  to  have  a  flower  as  well  as  a  vegetable  gar- 
den, and  she  should  not  forget  to  have  her  children  gather 
the  wild  flowers  whose  delicate  beauty  is  sought  for  vainly  in 
the  dusty  town. 

Let  her  call  in  the  aid  of  the  sun,  too,  to  make  her  house 
bright  and  cheerful.  It  is  far  better  that  carpets  and  cur- 
tains should  fade  a  little  than  that  human  beings  should 
droop  and  pine  in  dim,  secluded  chambers.  Of  course,  iu  ex- 


COUNTRY  MANNERS  AND  HOSPITALITY.      283 

tremely  hot  weather  blinds  must  be  closed  in  the  middle  of 
the  day;  but  there  is  a  vast  deal  too  much  closing  of  shutters 
in  our  part  of  the  world,  notably  in  the  Middle  States. 

Wherever  and  whenever  mosquitoes  congregate,  it  is  very 
desirable  that  guests  should  have  mosquito  nets  provided  for 
their  beds.  These  can  be  made  quite  inexpensively  by  taking 
the  frame  of  an  old  umbrella  and  covering  it  with  double 
netting;  around  the  edge  of  this  as  a  centre  two  or  more 
breadths  of  netting  should  be  sewn.  They  should  be  long 
enough  to  reach  nearly  to  the  floor.  The  whole  fabric  should 
be  suspended  from  a  hook  in  the  ceiling,  and  may  be  drawn 
up  in  the  daytime  for  the  sake  of  convenience. 

It  is  quite  interesting  to  know  that  the  ancient  Egyptians 
not  only  were  troubled  with  mosquitoes,  but  were  sagacious 
enough  to  use  mosquito  nets !  Herodotus  says  :  — 

"  They  have  the  following  contrivance  to  protect  them- 
selves from  the  mosquitoes,  which  abound  very  much.  The 
towers  are  of  great  service  to  those  who  inhabit  the  upper 
parts  of  the  marshes,  for  the  mosquitoes  are  prevented  by  the 
winds  from  flying  high ;  but  those  who  live  round  the 
marshes  have  contrived  another  expedient.  .  .  .  Every  man 
has  a  net  with  which  in  the  day  he  takes  fish,  and  at  night 
uses  it  in.  the  following  manner :  in  whatever  bed  he  sleeps 
he  throws  the  net  around  it,  and  then  getting  in  sleeps  under 
it ;  if  he  should  wrap  himself  up  in  his  clothes  or  in  linen 
the  mosquitoes  would  bite  through  them,  but  they  never 
attempt  to  bite  through  the  net." 

After  the  country  housekeeper  has  provided  her  city  guest 
with  a  comfortable  sleeping  apartment,  she  should  take  care 
that  the  latter  is  not  aroused  "  at  the  screech  of  dawn  "  with 
the  crowing  of  roosters,  the  clatter  of  the  maid-servants  and 
children,  and  other  noises  that  seem  to  begin  at  such  a  very 
early  hour  in  the  country.  A  guest  who  is  truly  polite  will 
always  come  down  at  the  family  breakfast-hour,  unless  it  be 


284  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

in  luxurious  houses  where  breakfast  is  a  movable  feast,  and 
every  one  can  have  a  cup  of  tea  and  a  roll  in  his  own  room 
if  he  prefers  to  do  so. 

As  it  is  now  fashionable  to  begin  breakfast  with  a  course 
of  fruit,  the  country  hostess  should  surely  follow  this  whole- 
some custom,  placing  before  her  guests  melons,  peaches,  or 
whatever  fruit  is  in  season.  For  the  rest  she  should  remem- 
ber that  people's  appetites  are  sharpened  by  the  fresh  air  of 
the  country,  and  that  the  dishes  provided  should  therefore 
be  rather  more  substantial  in  character  than  those  that  are 
prescribed  for  a  city  table  by  the  present  fashion. 

Still,  it  must  be  admitted  that  here  "  doctors  disagree." 
At  the  country-seats  of  some  rich  families,  whose  eyes  are 
ever  turned  city-ward  in  admiration  and  longing,  you  will 
find  the  menu  at  every  meal  exactly  what  it  would  be  in  the 
most  fashionable  city  dwelling,  and  you  will  be  helped  to  an 
unlimited  amount  of  china  and  genteel  fragments  of  food 
during  an  hour  or  two,  three  times  a  day. 

Almost  every  one  prefers  to  dine  early  in  the  country  in 
summer,  for  a  late  dinner  is  sure  to  interfere  with  the  pleas- 
ures of  the  afternoon  —  riding,  driving,  etc.  —  tmless  the 
hour  is  set  extremely  late,  at  eight  or  nine  o'clock.  Tea, 
therefore,  becomes  a  very  important  meal  in  out-of-town 
households ;  that  is,  "  high  "  "  or  stout  "  tea.  It  is  a  pity 
that  this  cheerful  meal  has  almost  disappeared  from  city  life, 
driven  out  both  by  fashion  and  necessity,  since  business  men 
in  our  large  cities  can  no  longer  come  home  to  two  o'clock 
dinner  as  they  did  five-and-twenty  years  ago. 

For  "  high  tea  "  a  white  table-cloth  should  be  used.  The 
tea  and  coffee  equipages  stand  before  the  mistress  of  the  house, 
or  sometimes  are  placed  one  at  each  end  of  the  table.  It 
certainly  looks  more  cheerful  to  have  tea  made  on  the  table ; 
the  simmering  of  the  tea-urn,  the  actual  presence  of  the  fire 
—  even  of  an  alcohol  lamp  —  give  to  the  occasion  a  home-like 


COUNTRY  MANNERS  AND  HOSPITALITY.      285 

air  which  otherwise  would  be  wanting.  Tea  also  tastes  bet- 
ter when  made  in  this  way ;  but  the  process  entails  addi- 
tional trouble  upon  the  hostess,  who  already  has  no  light  task 
to  perform.  To  be  able  to  talk  to  guests  and  pour  out  tea 
and  coffee,  —  perhaps  to  flavor  them  as  well,  —  all  at  the 
same  time,  demands  great  nimbleness  of  wits.  Most  hostesses 
are  sincerely  thankful  to  those  guests  who  are  so  considerate 
as  "  not  to  speak  to  the  woman  at  the  wheel "  until  she  has 
finished  the  dread  libation. 

The  table  should  be  ornamented  with  fruits  and  flowers, 
but  not  in  the  formal  fashion  of  a  dinner-party.  Preserves, 
honey,  etc.,  in  dishes  of  cut  glass  or  handsome  china  may 
stand  about  the  table,  and  also  plenty  of  fruit,  in  the  season. 
Hot  biscuits,  muffins,  crumpets,  waffles,  etc.,  are  in  their 
greatest  glory  at  the  hour  of  tea,  and  should  succeed  one 
another  in  relays,  so  that  they  may  be  always  "  piping  hot." 
Confectioner's  cake  or  nice  home-made  cake  also  stand  upon 
the  table.  The  more  solid  dishes  —  cold  ham,  escaloped 
oysters,  chickens  cold,  fricasseed,  or  fried,  moulded  tongue, 
omelet,  salads,  and  cold  meats  of  various  kinds  —  may  either 
be  helped  by  the  servants  from  the  sideboard  or  placed  on 
the  table  and  served  by  the  master  of  the  house,  assisted  by 
other  members  of  the  family ;  the  hostess  during  the  earlier 
part  of  the  meal  at  least,  will  have  her  hands  too  full  with 
pouring  out  tea  and  coffee  to  do  much  else. 

Vegetable  salads  of  various  kinds  are  always  welcomed  on 
the  tea-table,  and  are  preferred  by  many  housekeepers  be- 
cause they  can  be  prepared  beforehand.  But  there  must 
be  some  hot  dishes  on  the  tea-table,  otherwise  the  feast  will 
be  an  imperfect  one.  It  suffices,  however,  to  have  hot  bread 
or  cakes  of  some  sort,  and  to  have  the  meats,  etc.,  cold,  where 
this  arrangement  is  the  most  convenient  one.  In  that  de- 
lightfully primitive  city,  Philadelphia,  tea-drinkings  still  occa- 
sionally take  place,  though  even  here  their  glory  is  departing ; 


286  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

they  must  be  accompanied  by  at  least  two  substantial  dishes, 
—  oysters  and  chickens,  for  instance,  —  or  they  are  not  con- 
sidered to  be  comme-il-faut  in  the  Quaker  city. 

At  the  seaside,  fresh  fish  nicely  broiled  is  excellent  on  the 
tea-table,  as  are  also  lobsters,  crabs,  clams,  etc.  Cream  and 
cottage  cheeses,  curds  and  whey,  and  other  preparations  of 
milk  are  liked  by  many  people.  They  certainly  look  cool, 
refreshing,  and  seasonable,  and  are  usually  considered  very 
•wholesome. 

If  one  is  invited  out  to  take  tea  at  Newport  one  will  sit 
down  to  what  is  a  dinner  in  all  but  the  name.  The  floral 
decorations  will  be  more  simple,  but  otherwise  the  tea  will 
be  in  reality  a  diner  &  la  Russe,  perhaps  with  seventeen 
courses. 

Every  house  in  the  country  must  of  course  be  provided 
with  a  wide  piazza  if  the  inmates  intend  to  have  either  com- 
fort or  pleasure.  In  the  hot  summer  evenings  guests  should 
be  allowed  to  sit  on  the  veranda,  when  they  show  a  dispo- 
sition to  do  so,  and  not  be  dragged  into  a  hot  parlor,  will- 
they,  nill-they,  to  take  part  in  a  game  of  cards. 

Now  that  the  guitar  and  mandolin  have  again  come  into 
fashion,  they  fill  very  pleasantly  a  "  long-felt  want "  in  the 
summer  evenings.  Many  young  ladies  sing  simple  ballads 
and  folk-songs  under  the  moon  to  the  tinkling  of  the  guitar, 
and  every  one  is  pleased.  The  same  music  heard  in  the 
prosy  atmosphere  of  the  drawing-room  under  the  glaring  gas- 
light would  perhaps  sound  tame  ;  but  in  the  open  air  it  takes 
very  little  to  make  us  contented. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

IN   THE  STREET. 

AMERICAN  women  are  so  much  accustomed  to  receiving  the 
utmost  courtesy  and  consideration  at  the  hands  of  men, 
they  are  so  well  used  to  breathing  the  air  of  freedom  from 
their  very  birth,  that  they  sometimes  forget  how  great  are 
their  actual  privileges,  and  grumble  because  they  have  not 
others  which  would  no  doubt  be  pleasant  to  possess,  could  we 
have  everything  as  we  would  like  to  have  it  in  this  transitory 
sphere. 

American  men  are  more  truly  chivalrous  than  any  others 
upon  earth ;  their  respect  for  womankind  is  not  only  very 
deep,  but  entirely  unaffected.  It  is  a  part  of  their  education, 
almost  of  their  nature,  and  to  it  we  women  owe  among  other 
things  that  priceless  boon,  —  the  freedom  to  go  about  where 
and  in  whatever  way  we  please. 

In  no  large  European  city  is  it  safe  or  proper  for  a  lady  to 
walk  abroad  alone;  yet  in  America  our  women  not  only  enjoy 
this  inestimable  privilege,  but  many  others  of  the  same  kind. 
How  great  would  be  the  surprise  of  a  foreigner  of  distinction 
if  he  should  happen  to  catch  a  glimpse  of  the  interior  of  a 
Boston  horse-car,  at  that  time  in  the  evening  when  ^the  con- 
tinued performances  at  the  theatres  and  concert  halls  have 
just  come  to  an  end  !  If  you  should  tell  him  that  those 
groups  of  ladies  without  any  attendant  cavalier  belonged  to 
"  Boston's  best,"  and  that  the  friendly  horse-car  would  carry 
them  safe  and  unmolested  almost  to  their  very  doors,  he  would 


288  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

scarcely  believe  the  testimony  of  his  ears !  In  New  York, 
with  its  large  foreign  population,  ladies  do  not  like  to  go  out 
in  the  evening  without  an  escort ;  but  "in  dear  old  Boston, 
thanks  to  the  Puritans,  and  to  the  glorious  system  of  radiating 
horse-cars,  two  or  three  ladies  together  can  with  perfect  safety 
and  propriety  go  to  lectures,  concerts,  etc.  It  goes  without 
saying  that  I  am  not  now  speaking  of  very  young  girls,  who 
should  always  be  under  the  charge  of  some  older  person. 

:  Since  we  have  this  most  desirable  privilege  of  going  out 
henever  we  please  to  breathe  the  fresh  air,  we  certainly 
ought  not  to  abuse  it.  Few  things  are  more  distasteful 
than  a  party  of  young  women  making  themselves  conspicuous 
in  public  places  by  loud  talk  and  laughter.  If  they  are  care- 
less enough  to  attract  attention  in  this  way  they  must  not  be 
surprised  if  they  bring  upon  themselves  rude  notice  from 
some  of  the  other  sex^ 

:  There  is  a  form  of  folly  quite  prevalent  in  New  York  which 
ems  to  be  peculiar  to  the  place.  It  is  for  women  who  are 
entirely  respectable  and  well-behaved  members  of  society  to 
imitate  the  dress  of  a  fast  and  loud  class,  because  they  think  it- 
is  rather  knowing  to  do  so.  Thus,  one  will  often  see  a  middle- 
aged,  quiet-looking  woman  resplendent  with  gold-dyed  hair 
and  a  very  showy  costume,  the  incongruity  between  the  gar- 
ments and  their  wearer  being  quite  startling.  It  seems  per- 
fectly incredible  that  such  a  woman  should  imagine  her 
theatrical  appearance  to  be  stylish,  appropriate,  and  in  "  good 
form ; "  yet  evidently  this  is  her  belief,  for  otherwise  why 
should  she  array  herself  after  this  manner?  Xo  one  inten- 
tionally makes  a  scarecrow  of  herself  unless  it  be  on  the 

stage. | 

Great  freedom  of  taste  in  the  matter  of  street  costume  is 
certainly  allowed  in  this  country.  Fifty  years  ago  Charles 
Dickens  commented  on  the  bright  colors  and  silk  dresses  worn 
by  ladies  in  the  streets  of  our  cities.  The  same  phenomena 


IN  THE  STREET.  289 

v 

may  still  be  observed.  Ladies  of  good  taste  and  innate  refine- 
ment, however,  now  avoid  wearing  showy  costume*  and  bril- 
liant colors  when  they  go  out,  especially  when  on  a  shopping 
tour,  or  to  visit  the  business  part  of  a  city.  For  walking  or 
paying  visits  on  Fifth  Avenue  in  New  York,  or  Beacon 
Street  in  Boston,  it  is  allowable  to  dress  more  handsomely ; 
but  the  tendency  of  fashion  during  the  last  few  years  has 
been  undeniably  in  the  right  direction,  namely,  toward  ' 
wearing  quiet  and  simple  attire  in  the  street. 

In  this  country  a  lady  does  not  take  a  gentleman's  arm 
when  walking  with  him  in  the  daytime.  The  protection  it 
gives  is  unnecessary,  and  American  women  always  prefer  to 
be  independent  as  far  as  possible.  It  was  formerly  the  cus- 
tom for  a  married  or  betrothed  couple  to  walk  arm-in-arm ; 
but  it  is  now  thought  old-fashioned  to  do  so,  especially  for  two 
fiances.  In  the  evening,  a  gentleman  should  always  offer  his 
arm  to  the  lady  he  is  escorting,  and  she  may  accept  it  or  not, 
as  she  chooses  ;  in  large  cities,  it  is  customary  for  her  to 
accept  the  courtesy.  If  a  gentleman  is  walking  with  two 
ladies,  one  only  should  take  his  arm,  and  both  should  walk 
on  the  same  side  of  him.  The  spectacle  of  a  "  Lynn  couple," 
or  a  thorn  between  two  roses,  always  makes  people  smile. 
Where  it  is  necessary  for  protection,  however,  or  where  the 
ladies  are  infirm  and  elderly,  or  the  walking  very  slippery,  a 
gentleman  should  not  hesitate  to  offer  an  arm  to  each  of  them, 
even  if  it  may  make  him  appear  rather  ridiculous  to  do  so. 
An  English  contemporary  gravely  remarks  that  no  lady 
should  overtake  the  arms  of  two  gentlemen  at  once, — we 
might  add,  unless  she  were  learning  to  skate.  When  walking 
with  a  lady,  a  gentleman  takes  the  curbstone  side  of  the 
street  and  offers  to  carry  any  parcels  she  may  have  in  her 
hands.  In  a  crowded  thoroughfare  he  takes  the  left  side, 
to  shield  her  from  the  elbows  of  passers-by.  If  she  bows  to 
any  lady  or  gentleman,  he  bows  also,  and  removes  his  hat, 

19 


290  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

even  if  it  be  to  salute  a  person  with  whom  he  is  entirely  un- 
acquainted. He  does  this. as  a  token  of  respect  to  his  com- 
panion and  her  friends.  A  gentleman  should  always  remove 
his  hat  when  bowing  to  a  lady.  He  should  do  so  with  his 
left  hand  in  order  to  leave  the  right  hand  free,  where  he  has 
reason  to  expect  that  she  will  shake  hands  with  him.  If  he 
has  no  such  expectation,  he  will  take  off  his  hat  with  the 
hand  that  is  farthest  from  her,  unless  it  is  especially  incon- 
venient to  do  so. 

A  lady  always  bows  first  in  this  country,  as  in  England. 
On  the  continent  of  Europe  the  reverse  is  the  case.  Where 
a  lady  and  gentleman  know  each  other  very  well,  the  recogni- 
tion is  of  course  practically  simultaneous ;  but  in  the  case  of  an 
ordinary  acquaintance  the  gentleman  always  waits  until  the 
lady  bows.  It  has  been  suggested  that  young  men  should 
recall  themselves  to  recollection  by  bowing  first  to  ladies  who 
have  entertained  them,  and  who  are  older  than  themselves. 
This  might  perhaps  be  permissible  as  an  acknowledgment  of 
past  hospitality;  but  if  the  lady  were  young,  it  would  be 
considered  a  great  liberty.  If  a  gentleman  has  a  cigar  in  his 
mouth,  he  always  removes  it  before  bowing  to  a  lady,  or  if 
he  is  very  polite  he  throws  it  away.  If  his  hands  happen 
to  be  in  his  pockets  (a  most  ungraceful  attitude)  he  will,  of 
course,  take  them  out. 

A  gentleman  should  never  stop  a  lady  and  keep  her  stand- 
ing in  the  street  while  he  talks  with  her.  If  he  has  some- 
thing he  wishes  to  say,  and  if  he  knows  her  sufficiently  well 
to  warrant  his  doing  so,  he  may  turn  and  walk  with  her  in 
the  direction  in  which  she  is  going.  This  does  not  oblige 
him  to  accompany  her  to  her  destiuation.  On  parting  with 
a  lady,  a  gentleman  must  always  raise  his  hat. 

There  is  said  to  be  an  old  and  particularly  dead  law  in 
Boston  which  forbids  smoking  in  the  streets  !  We  have 
changed  all  that  many  years  ago ;  but  it  is  still  considered  bad 


IN  THE  STREET.  291 

form  for  a  gentleman  to  smoke  on  streets  that  are  used  as 
promenades,  at  the  hours  in  which  he  will  be  likely  to  meet 
many  ladies.  The  same  is  true  of  public  drives.  It  is  very 
uncommon  to  meet  a  gentleman  smoking  on  Bellevue  Avenue 
at  Newport.  A  gentleman  should  never  smoke  while  walk- 
ing with  or  talking  to  a  lady  in  the  street.  Indeed,  he  should 
never  smoke  anywhere  in  the  presence  of  ladies,  unless  he 
has  received  especial  permission  to  do  so. 

It  is  very  rude  to  "  cut "  people,  and  one  should  never  do 
it  without  very  serious  reasons.  To  return  another  person's 
bow  with  a  blank  stare  is  simply  inexcusable,  unless  that 
person  has  committed  some  grave  misdeed.  It  costs  very 
little  to  make  a  civil  bow,  and  does  not  necessarily  involve 
even  a  calling  acquaintance.  Young  people  are  sometimes 
unnecessarily  sensitive  regarding  street  salutations,  and 
imagine  themselves  to  have  been  slighted  when  they  have 
only  not  been  seen.  Absent-minded  and  near-sighted  persons 
frequently  "  cut "  their  friends  without  the  least  intention  of 
so  doing.  Particularly  is  this  the  case  in  the  crowded  streets 
of  a  great  city,  where,  unless  one  recognizes  a  person  before- 
hand, one  often  does  not  look  at  him  as  he  passes,  and  there- 
fore his  bow,  if  he  makes  one,  goes  unseen.  It  is  a  great 
mistake  to  fancy  one's  self  "  cut "  when  one  is  simply  not  recog- 
nized. On  all  these  accounts  it  is  well  to  bow  in  a  decided 
manner,  so  that  there  may  be  no  doubt  about  it.  Some 
people  have  a  way  of  making  such  a  slight  movement  of  the 
face  —  it  can  hardly  be  called  of  the  head  —  that  they  virtu- 
ally do  not  bow  at  all ;  and  this  is  not  always  done  from 
haughtiness,  but  often  from  extreme  shyness. 

When  bowing  in  the  street,  the  head  only  is  bent  and  not  the 
body,  according  to  modern  usage,  unless  one  wishes  to  show 
great  respect,  or  more  than  ordinary  attention,  to  some  person. 
One  should  always  return  the  salutations  of  servants  or 
tradespeople  whom  one  meets  in  the  street.  It  is  not  usual 


292  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

to  recognize  in  this  way  the  clerks  or  salesmen  of  dry-goods 
stores,  nor  would  it  indeed  be  considered  proper  for  a  young 
lady  to  do  so. 

A  gentleman  can  never,  under  any  circumstances,  "  cut " 
a  lady.  If  he  does  not  wish  to  continue  her  acquaintance, 
his  only  resource  is  to  avoid  meeting  her  eyes  ;  even  this 
would  be  very  ungentlemanly  conduct,  unless  he  should  have 
some  very  strong  reason  for  it.  He  would  have  no  excuse  for 
thus  treating  a  lady  who  behaved  and  dressed  as  a  lady 
should.  If  a  gentleman  escorts  a  lady  to  her  house  he  should 
wait  until  she  has  been  admitted  before  taking  leave  of  her, 
especially  if  it  is  after  dark,  and  should  not  be  content  with 
seeing  her  to  the  foot  of  the  steps  only. 

When  walking  or  driving  on  a  public  walk  or  promenade, 
where  the  same  people  pass  and  repass  each  other  many 
times,  it  is  not  necessary  to  bow  every  time  one  meets  a 
friend  or  acquaintance.  It  is  sufficient  to  bow  once.  One 
gentleman  does  not  usually  remove  his  hat  in  bowing  to  an- 
other gentleman,  unless  the  latter  is  much  older  than  him- 
self, or  is  accompanied  by  a  lady,  when  he  removes  it  out 
of  respect  for  her.  Young  men  should  always  be  careful 
that  their  greetings  to  men  older  than  themselves  are  suffi- 
ciently respectful.  You  may  nod  to  a  contemporary  in  age, 
who  is  also  your  equal  in  position,  if  you  know  him  well ; 
but  to  one  who  is  your  superior  in  social  or  official  posi- 
tion, or  who  is  your  elder,  it  would  be  decidedly  improper 
to  do  so. 

Gentlemen  keep  on  their  hats  when  they  are  in  shops  or  at 
the  entrance  of  a  theatre,  etc.,  because  they  are  supposed  to 
be  passing  through  these  places,  or  at  best,  making  a  very  short 
sojourn  there.  The  etiquette  in  regard  to  the  hat,  therefore, 
is  like  that  of  the  street,  and  the  same  is  true  of  the  corridors 
of  a  hotel.  But  in  an  elevator  where  there  are  ladies,  a  gentle- 
man must  always  remove  his  hat,  because  the  elevator  is  so 


IX  THE  STREET.  293 

small  that  it  is  like  the  room  of  a  private  house,  —  where  no 
one  would  think  of  keeping  his  hat  on. 

Ten  or  twenty  years  ago  there  were  still  many  elderly 
gentlemen  who  saluted  their  friends  and  acquaintances  by 
touching  the  hat  instead  of  by  removing  it ;  but  the  grace  with 
which  they  performed  this  quasi-military  salute,  and  the  re- 
spect expressed  by  the  motion,  made  the  salutation  far  more 
deferential  than  the  stiff  bow  of  the  modern  dude,  even  though 
the  latter  is  always  careful  to  remove  his  hat.  Sometimes 
these  elderly  gentlemen  do  not  even  touch  their  hats,  but 
make  instead  a  graceful  gesture  with  the  hand. 

The  question  whether  or  not  gentlemen  should  give  their 
seats  to  ladies  who  are  standing  in  the  horse-cars,  is  such  a 
vexed  one,  and  one  that  is  so  often  discussed  in  print,  that  it 
is  not  worth  while  to  enter  into  it  here  in  all  its  length  and 
breadth.  Suffice  it  to  say,  that  there  are  few,  if  any,  truly 
polite  men  who  are  satisfied  to  sit  while  women  are  standing 
around  them.  They  may  argue  against  being  obliged  to  give 
up  their  seats,  but  in  practice  they  do  it.  It  would  seem  as 
if  there  ought  to  be  a  little  mutual  forbearance  and  politeness 
on  both  sides  in  this  matter.  Young  men,  unless  they  are 
very  tired  after  a  hard  day's  work,  have  little  excuse  for 
keeping  their  seats ;  old  men  should  not  be  expected  to 
leave  theirs  under  ordinary  circumstances.  A  man  should 
always  offer  his  seat  to  an  old  woman,  or  to  one  who  has  an 
infant  in  her  arms.  If  he  does  not,  he  may  feel  rather 
ashamed  to  see  some  woman  show  the  politeness  which  it 
was  his  place  and  privilege  to  extend.  Women  should  never 
seem  in  any  way  to  claim  a  seat  where  there  is  none  vacant. 
It  is  very  impolite  to  look  at  a  man  in  such  a  way  that  he 
shall  feel  compelled  to  offer  his  seat.  Unless  one  is  ill  or 
very  much  fatigued,  it  is  better  to  accept  the  situation 
cheerfully,  and  wait  till  some  one  gets  out.  If  there  is  a 
small  boy  in  the  car,  a  bribe  of  a  few  pennies  will  usually 


294  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

secure  his  seat.  A  lady  should  always  be  careful  to  thank  a 
gentleman  audibly  -when  he  offers  her  his  place.  No  gentle- 
man should  think  of  taking  a  seat  that  becomes  vacant  in  a 
car,  until  all  the  ladies  who  are  standing  are  provided  with 
seats.  A  Boston  woman,  young  and  handsome,  was  riding 
in  a  New  York  car  recently,  patiently  awaiting  her  turn  to  sit 
down.  A  seat  was  vacated,  and  she  was  on  the  point  of  tak- 
ing it,  when  a  young  man  dexterously  slipped  past  her  and 
into  it,  smiling  at  the  girls  who  were  with  him,  as  if  he  had 
done  a  very  clever  thing.  The  Bostonian  said  to  her  friend, 
"  I  would  n't  have  believed  that ;  but  then,  we  are  in  New 
York  in  the  nineteenth  century  ! "  The  rude  youth  heard  her 
words,  turned  scarlet,  and  looked  sheepish  enough. 

A  great  deal  of  selfishness  is  shown  on  our  railroads  in  the 
matter  of  taking  up  an  undue  amount  of  room.  Two  or  three 
people  will  turn  over  seats,  thus  converting  them  into  a  sort 
of  private  box,  and  will  be  very  much  provoked  if  some  other 
person  claims  the  empty  place,  though  there  may  not  be  an- 
other one  in  the  car.  Others  fill  up  the  vacant  half  of  a  seat 
with  bundles,  and  look  daggers  when  asked  whether  the  seat 
is  engaged.  If  conductors  would  make  it  a  rule  that  people 
should  pay  for  all  the  seats  they  occupy  —  personally  or  with 
bundles  —  it  would  be  an  excellent  thing.  "  Is  this  seat  en- 
gaged1?" said  one  woman  to  another.  "No;  but  there  are 
plenty  of  seats  in  the  next  car"  said  the  seated  one,  in  a  dis- 
obliging tone,  calmly  ignoring  the  fact  that  the  train  was  al- 
ready moving !  Commuters  have  a  cheerful  way  of  taking 
up  a  whole  seat  for  each  man  through  the  length  of  an  entire 
car.  A  party  of  ladies  will  enter,  but  it  will  seldom  occur  to 
these  gentlemen  to  change  their  places  and  allow  the  ladies 
to  sit  together. 

It  is  very  difficult  to  ventilate  a  car  in  a  way  that  will  suit 
everybody.  Some  people  feel  that  they  must  have  fresh  air, 
while  others  are  at  the  same  time  shivering  with  cold.  Any 


IN  THE  STREET.  295 

one  who  wishes  to  have  a  window  open  should  always  remem- 
ber that,  owing  to  the  current  made  by  the  rapid  motion  of 
the  car,  the  person  in  the  seat  behind  feels  the  draught  much 
more  severely  than  the  one  sitting  beside  the  open  window. 
It  is  neither  polite  nor  right  to  expose  another  person  to  the 
imminent  danger  of  catching  cold  in  this  way,  without  first 
asking  him  whether  he  objects  to  having  the  window  opened. 
The  forward  part  of  the  car  is  always  better  ventilated  than 
the  rear,  because  the  fresh  air  is  constantly  drawn  in  there 
by  the  motion,  and  the  bad  air  is  driven  to  the  farther  end 
of  the  conveyance. 

A  friendly  correspondent  says  :  "I  can  usually  infer  the 
breeding  of  a  man  or  woman  by  the  way  in  which  either  takes 
a  seat  in  a  street-car.  The  individual  who  sits  down  care- 
lessly, pushing  those  on  either  side,  and  with  no  avoidance 
of  such  part  of  their  clothing  as  may  be  within  sitting  dis- 
tance, is  underbred.  The  person  who,  on  entering  or  leaving 
a  railroad  car,  neglects  to  close  again  the  door  which  he  finds 
closed,  is  wanting  in  that  consideration  for  others  which  is  at 
the  bottom  of  true  politeness.  Aggravated  (and  aggravating) 
instances  of  this  are  seen  in  cold  weather,  when  people  will 
sometimes  walk  through  a  car  leaving  the  door  at  either  end 
open." 


CHAPTER   XXXI. 

PRIDE   AND   PARVENUS. 

IF  one  circle  of  society  is  really  better  than  and  superior 
to  another,  why  is  it  not  a  laudable  ambition  for  a  man  or 
woman  to  wish  to  rise  to  that  which  is  best  ?  Why  does  the 
world  laugh,  good-naturedly  or  bitterly,  according  to  its 
mood,  at  those  who  strive  to  ascend  the  social  ladder?  The 
world  does  not  laugh  at  people  who  try  to  improve  their 
fortunes  or  strive  to  remedy  the  defects  of  their  early  educa- 
tion ;  but  for  the  social  aspirant  — -  the  parvenu  —  it  always 
has  a  scornful  word ! 

This  attitude  of  society  seems  a  very  unjust  and  illogical 
one  to  many  ambitious  persons,  and  they  bewail  long  and 
bitterly  the  snobbishness,  the  injustice,  the  overweening 
pride  which  distinguishes  the  demeanor  of  the  "  ins  "  toward 
the  "  outs."  It  is  never  safe,  however,  for  the  pot  to  call  the 
kettle  black  ;  and  if  the  attitude  of  society  is  illogical,  is  that 
of  the  social  climber  any  less  so  ? 

"  If  one  set  of  people  is  just  as  good  as  another,  why  are  n't 
you  satisfied  to  stay  where  you  are,  and  to  remain  in  the  cir- 
cle where  you  were  born  and  bred  ?  We  grant  you  that  all 
men  are  free  and  equal,  and  we  therefore  consider  that  we 
have  a  right  to  choose  our  own  associates,  and  leave  you  to 
choose  yours.  We  regard  society  as  a  great  club,  where  the 
right  of  the  blackball  is  sacred.  Society  would  not  be  worthy 
of  the  name  if  it  possessed  no  safeguards  against  the  intru- 


PRIDE  AND  PARVENUS.  297 

sion  of  uncongenial  persons ;  it  would  degenerate  into  a  mere 
mob.  The  parties  to  a  trial  by  jury  have  a  right  to  challenge 
peremptorily  those  whom  they  do  not  wish  to  have  for  jurors ; 
we  claim  the  same  right,  and  the  same  privilege  of  with- 
holding our  reasons."  In  such  words  might  the  members  of 
the  charmed  circle  reply  to  those  who  knock  for  admission ; 
and  if  one  asks  why  the  parvenu  is  smiled  at,  the  reasons 
are  not  far  to  seek. 

A  parvenu,  in  the  first  place,  is  not  a  soldier  who  has  been 
promoted  from  the  ranks  for  merit ;  he  is  rather  a  deserter 
from  his  own  friends  and  belongings.  He  is  a  renegade,  and 
the  world  despises  renegades  and  turncoats.  Parvenus  have 
been  defined  as  those  who  do  not  want  to  belong  to  their 
own  people,  and  do  not  in  reality  belong  to  any  other. 

Thus  it  will  be  seen  that  a  man  who  rises  in  the  social 
scale  because  he  deserves  to  rise,  is  not  necessarily  a  parvenu. 
The  man  of  high  talent,  the  great  general,  the  successful  poli- 
tician, need  make  no  effort  to  go  into  society.  Society  comes 
to  them,  and  is  only  too  happy  to  secure  their  presence  at  all 
fetes.  Such  men  are  no  parvenus,  and  are  not  considered  in 
that  odious  light.  The  parvenu  is  the  man  who  has  succeeded 
in  society,  —  succeeded  because  of  his  own  efforts.  He  has 
been  the  active  agent  of  his  own  elevation ;  he  has  sought 
it,  and  sought  it  at  the  expense  of  old  ties,  old  friendships. 
Like  the  woman  in  the  story,  who  flung  her  children  to  the 
wolves  to  save  her  own  life,  the  parvenu  will  sacrifice  not 
only  his  wife's  relations,  but  most  of  his  own,  to  the  Moloch 
of  gentility.  His  conduct  is  virtually  that  of  Trabb's  boy ; 
he  says  "  I  don't  know  you  "  to  every  one  save  the  few  peo- 
ple whom  he  considers  it  desirable  to  know. 

Your  true  parvenu  is  not  a  man  who  wishes  to  raise  all 
mankind  to  the  same  high  level,  or  even  to  pull  them  down 
to  a  lower  level.  He  is  no  democrat  —  very  far  from  it.  All 
that  he  wishes  is  to  raise  himself,  and  when  he  has  once 


298  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

attained  the  coveted  position,  he  instantly  reverses  his  tactics. 
His  efforts  then  are  all  directed  downward  instead  of  upward. 
He  wishes  to  push  away  the  ladder  by  which  he  has  himself 
climbed,  and  to  prevent  any  one  else  from  following  in  his 
footsteps.  The  parvenu  is  wondrously  exclusive ;  he  knows 
by  his  own  experience  that  social  barriers  can  be  forced,  and 
it  grieves  him  excessively  if  others  leap  in  through  the  gap 
which  he  has  made  ! 

•v. 

He  is  usually  a  bold,  persistent  person,  who  has  taken  the 
social  world  by  storm;  he  stands  where  he  has  longed  to 
stand ;  he  has  conquered  all  weapons  employed  against  him, 
save  that  last  unconquerable  weapon,  the  defence  of  all  intel- 
lect against  brute  strength,  —  ridicule.  Satire  has  ever  been 
the  dread  of  tyrants,  the  refuge  of  oppression.  With  its  lash 
Horace,  Juvenal,  and  Persius  scourged  the  wickedness  and 
folly  of  their  times,  while  Rabelais  and  Chaucer  attacked 
with  it  the  rottenness  and  corruption  of  the  Church,  where- 
of no  man  durst  then  openly  complain.  Nay,  why  else  was 
Socrates  put  to  death,  save  because  he  wielded  the  flashing 
blade  of  ridicule  as  no  one  has  been  able  to  do  before  or 
since  1 

In  the  words  of  the  little  Queen  Anne's  man  :  — 

Yes,  I  am  proud;  I  must  be  proud  to  see 

Men  not  afraid  of  God,  afraid  of  me  : 

Safe  from  the  bar,  the  pulpit,  and  the  throne, 

Yet  touch'd  and  sham'd  by  ridicule  alone. 

0  sacred  weapon  !  left  for  truth's  defence, 

Sole  dread  of  folly,  vice,  and  insolence  ! 

To  all  but  heav'n-directed  hands  deny'd, 

The  Muse  may  give  thee,  but  the  gods  must  guide. 

POPE  :  Epilogue  to  the  Satires. 

Therefore  when  society  has  been  conquered  by  some  ruth- 
less invader,  what  wonder  if  it  falls  back  on  its  last  resource, 
a  smile,  and  thus  declares  that  the  conqueror  shall  never 


PRIDE  AND  PARVENUS.  299 

win  its  respect,  though  he  may  have  succeeded  in  forcing 
himself  into  an  undesired  fellowship ! 

The  stories  that  are  related  at  the  expense  of  parvenus 
show  the  esteem  in  which  they  are  held,  —  how  this  one 
"  drew  the  line  "  at  his  own  brother,  when  making  out  a  list 
of  invitations  for  a  great  ball ;  how  that  one  "  cut "  all  his  old 
friends  as  soon  as  he  had  safely  secured  a  position  among 
more  advantageous  acquaintances. 

Shakspeare,  in  "  A  Winter's  Tale,"  gives  us  a  bit  of  his 
delightful  and  inimitable  satire,  at  the  expense  of  those  who 
have  been  suddenly  elevated  by  a  freak  of  fortune. 

"  Clown.  You  denied  to  fight  with  me  this  other  day,  because  I  was 
no  gentleman  born.  See  you  these  clothes  ?  say  you  see  them  not  and 
think  me  still  no  gentleman  born  :  you  were  best  to  say  these  robes  are 
not  gentlemen  born  :  give  me  the  lie,  do,  and  try  whether  I  am  not 
now  a  gentleman  born. 

' '  Autolycus.    I  know  you  are  now,  sir,  a  gentleman  born. 

"  Clown.   Ay,  and  have  been  so  any  time  these  four  hours. 

"  Shep.    And  so  have  I,  boy. 

"  Clown.  So  you  have:  but  I  was  a  gentleman  born  before  my  father ; 
for  the  king's  son  took  me  by  the  hand,  and  called  me  brother  ;  and 
then  the  two  kings  called  my  father  brother  ;  and  then  the  prince  my 
brother  and  the  princess  my  sister  called  my  father  father  ;  and  so  we 
wept,  and  there  was  the  first  gentlemanlike  tears  that  ever  we  shed." 

Thackeray,  in  his  "  Diary  of  C.  Jeames  de  la  Pluche,"  has 
followed  out  somewhat  the  same  train  of  thought,  but  at 
greater  length,  and  with  more  elaboration.  The  following 
account  of  Jeames's  presentation  at  court  hides  a  keen  thrust 
at  the  toadyism  and  snobbishness  of  mankind  in  general, 
while  it  pretends  to  attack  only  the  folly  of  the  poor  silly 
footman,  who  has  completely  lost  his  head  in  his  sudden 
exaltation. 

"  You,  per'aps,  may  igspect  that  I  should  narrait  at  lenth 
the  suckmstanzas  of  my  hawjince  with  the  British  Crown. 
But  I  am  not  one  who  would  gratafy  imputtniitt  curaiosaty. 


300  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

Rispect  for  our  reckonized  instatewtions  is  my  fust  quallaty. 
I,  for  one,  will  dye  rallying  round  my  Thrown. 

"  Suffise  it  to  say,  when  I  stood  in  the  Horgust  Presnts  — 
when  I  sor  on  the  right  &  of  my  Himperial  Sovring  that 
Most  Gracious  Prins,  to  admire  womb  has  been  the  chief 
Objick  of  my  life,  my  bnsum  was  seased  with  an  imotium 
which  my  Penn  rifewses  to  dixcribe  —  my  trembling  knees 
halmost  rifused  their  horn's  —  I  reckleck  nothing  mor  until 
I  was  found  phainting  in  the  harms  of  the  Lord  Chamberling. 
Sir  Robert  Peal  apnd  to  be  standing  by  (I  knew  our  wuthy 
Primmier  by  Punch's  pictures  of  him,  igspecially  his  ligs)  and 
he  was  conwussing  with  a  man  of  womb  I  shall  say  nothink, 
but  that  he  is  a  Hero  of  100  fites,  and  hevery  fite  he  fit  he  one. 
Nead  I  say  that  I  elude  to  Harthur  of  Wellingting  1  I  intro- 
juiced  myself  to  these  Jents,  and  intend  to  improve  the 
equaintance,  and  per'aps  ast  Guvmint  for  a  Barnetcy." 

While  we  laugh  at  the  absurd  airs  and  ridiciilous  affec- 
tations of  the  footman  turned  gentleman,  Thackeray  takes 
good  care  to  show  us  the  greater  worldliness,  the  more 
unpardonable  folly,  of  those  who  receive  the  parvenu  into 
their  society  solely  because  of  his  wealth,  and  cater  to  the 
insolence  of  a  low-bred  lackey  in  the  hope  of  furthering  their 
own  fortunes. 

The  parvenu  could  never  succeed  in  forcing  an  entrance 
!  into  the  citadel  of  good  society,  were  there  not  traitors  among 
the  garrison  ready  to  aid  and  abet  him,  —  people  quite  will- 
ing to  barter  the  influence  of  their  social  position  for  the  gold 
or  the  gifts  of  their  new  associate.  Therefore  the  parvenu 
has  quite  as  good  a  right  to  despise  his  new-found  and  mer- 
cenary acquaintances  as  they  have  to  look  down  upon  him. 
Indeed,  his  contempt  is  more  justifiable  than  theirs,  because 
he  has  forced  these  people  to  falsify  their  own  traditions, 
abandon  their  own  theories,  and  stoop  from  their  own  delib- 
erately chosen  position,  —  they,  the  men  of  culture,  educa- 


PRIDE  AND  PARVENUS.  301 

tion,  and  high-breeding,  —  and  all  in  favor  of  one  whose 
advantages,  save  in  the  single  point  of  money,  have  been  far 
inferior  to  their  own.  The  higher  the  sinner  stands,  so  much 
the  greater  is  his  sin.  Where  a  high-born  family  accept  a  rich 
boor  for  their  son-in-law,  who  can  pity  them  if  he  walks  over 
their  sensibilities  and  their  prejudices  rough-shod1?  They 
must  have  known  that  he  would  do  so  ;  and  it  is  a  part  of 
their  just  punishment  that  they  should  become  "  doormats 
under  the  feet"  of  the  coarse  Croesus  whose  ingots  they 
basely  coveted. 

To  do  justice  to  the  nouveaux-riches,  it  is  not  always  they 
who  make  the  first  overtures  to  what  is  technically  termed 
society.  Society,  or  certain  emissaries  thereof,  sometimes  go 
to  them,  knocking  at  their  gates  and  asking  leave  to  come 
into  their  ample  halls.  In  this  case  the  newly  rich  man  is 
not  obliged  to  abandon  his  dignity,  but  merely  yields  grace- 1 
fully  to  the  force  of  circumstances. 

No  one  would  advise  such  a  man  to  take  up  his  abode  in 
the  good  city  of  Boston,  however,  under  the  influence  of  any 
such  delusive  hope.  If  he  had  the  wealth  of  the  Rothschilds, 
the  Vanderbilts,  and  the  Astors  all  rolled  into  one,  he  might 
live  to  be  as  old  as  Methusaleh/but  he  would  never  be  in- 
vited to  join  the  fashionable  set,  unless  he  made  the  first 
advances  himself,  and  made  them,  be  it  said,  with  the  great- 
est circumspection.  The  fashionable  society  of  the  grand  old 
Puritan  city  cannot  but  have  something  of  the  sternness 
which  characterizes  the  native  land  of  conscience  ;  it  is  to 
lie  feared  that  they  use  that  sternness  chiefly  toward  out- 
siders, "and  slay  them  with  their  noble  birth." 

New  people  have  found  their  way  into  the  most  aristo- 
cratic circles  of  Boston,  but  they  have  got  in  through  the 
back-door  of  Europe,  or  gone  around  by  the  way  of  New- 
port or  Mount  Desert.  No  one  ever  yet  went  boldly  up  to  the 
front  door  of  Beacon  Street,  and  struck  with  the  lance's-point 


302  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

on  the  shield  which  hangs  there  ever  ready  for  the  fray,  —  no 
one  ever  did  this,  and  lived  to  tell  the  tale.  At  least,  he  never 
cared  to  tell  the  only  tale  which  he  could  truthfully  unfold, 
because  it  was  full  of  sorrow  and  defeat. 

But  e'en  the  failings  of  the  dear  old  city  lean  to  virtue's 
side ;  she  never  could  submit  to  conquest  in  the  days  of 
Bunker  Hill  and  Lexington,  and  she  does  n't  mean  to  now. 
On  the  whole,  it  is  a  proud  boast  of  Boston,  that  she  does 
not  allow  her  most  exclusive  circles  to  be  invaded  as  readily 
as  do  other  cities  ;  and  more  than  one  ambitious  family  has 
left  her  precincts  in  despair  of  ever  achieving  social  success 
there. 

But  if  it  be  legitimate  for  certain  people  to  refuse  to  grant 
to  others  coveted  social  privileges,  there  are  still  various  ways 
in  which  that  refusal  may  be  expressed,  some  courteous,  and 
some  just  the  reverse  of  courteous.  "  One  would  rather  be 
trodden  upon  by  a  velvet  slipper  than  by  a  wooden  shoe," 
said  some  one  apropos  of  the  French  Revolution ;  and  there 
is  a  way  of  saying  "  no  "  that  takes  half  the  sting  from  that 
bitter  monosyllable. 

Among  the  weapons  that  exclusive  people  take  to  keep 
others  at  a  distance,  none  is  more  aggravating,  none  is  more 
unpleasant,  than  a  species  of  haughty  stare,  a  look  of  half- 
suppressed  pride  and  disdain,  with  which  many  women  — 
and  especially  many  young  women  —  disfigure  their  counte- 
nances. To  do  them  justice,  they  probably  are  not  aware  of 
their  own  expression;  but  it  is  the  hidden  thought,  the 
inward  feeling  of  superiority,  that  betrays  itself  unbidden  on 
the  face.  And  the  cruellest  use  of  this  weapon  is  when  it  is 
employed  in  a  reckless  and  indiscriminating  way  against  the 
innocent  and  the  guilty  alike. 

A  young  lady  will  walk  abroad,  armed  and  protected  by 
this  Gorgon's-head  expression  of  countenance,  and  during  her 
progress  she  will  distribute  it  right  and  left,  bestowing  it 


PRIDE  AND  PARVENUS.  303 

not  only  on  people  whom  she  does  not  know,  but  on  people 
who  do  not  know  her,  and  do  not  even  know  who  she  is, 
save  that  she  assumes  the  air  of  the  Great  Mogul  himself. 

How  wise  were  the  ancient  Athenians  when  they  set  forth 
in  their  fable  that  only  one  of  the  Gorgons  was  mortal,  but 
that  the  remaining  two  of  the  dread  sisters  could  not  perish  ! 
It  has  seemed  to  some  of  us,  when  walking  the  streets  of  our 
native  Boston,  that  those  two  old  Gorgons  were  indeed  alive, 
—  alive  in  modern  Athens,  and  that  their  beautiful,  cold, 
cruel  faces,  young  but  stony,  still  petrified  the  men  and 
women  whom  they  encountered ! 

Nor  is  it  in  Boston  alone  that  one  finds  the  sin  of  pride 
openly  written  on  the  human  brow.  Even  in  small  towns 
and  villages  one  may  often  observe  persons  whose  air  seems 
to  say,  "  I  own,  if  not  the  whole  earth,  certainly  all  that  is 
worth  speaking  of."  And  to  those  who  seriously  contemplate 
assuming  this  high-toned  expression  of  countenance,  per- 
haps a  word  of  warning  may  not  come  amiss.  Do  not  try 
to  look  as  if  you  owned  "  all  creation  "  unless  you  are  per- 
fectly sure  that  you  do.  The  least  failure  in  this  grand 
attempt,  the  least  wavering  in  your  look,  will  be  fatal  to 
your  pretensions. 

It  goes  without  saying  that  the  undisguised  and  therefore 
most  offensive  look  of  pride,  what  Dickens  called  the  "  turn- 
up-nosed peacock  "  expression,  is  seldom  if  ever  seen,  except 
on  the  face  of  some  parvenu,  or  some  newly  rich  person,  whose 
recently  acquired  fortune  has  had  an  unhappy  effect  on  the 
angle  of  his  nasal  elevation. 

The  true  aristocrat,  the  man  who  has  inherited  from  his 
ancestors  a  high  social  position,  may  not  be  lacking  in  pride, 
but  he  does  not  consider  it  necessary  to  express  it  constantly 
in  his  manner  and  bearing,  to  go  about  exasperating  his  fellow- 
mortals  by  a  constant  assumption  of  superiority  over  them. 
He  is,  on  the  contrary,  indisposed  both  by  nature  and  train- 


304  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

ing  to  injure  the  feelings  of  any  one  else.  "Noblesse 
oblige  "  is  his  motto,  and  it  obliges,  above  all  other  things,  to 
perfect  civility  of  demeanor  and  speech.  The  true  aristocrat 
is  so  sure  of  his  own  position  that  he  does  not  need  to  bolster 
it  up  by  haughty  looks  or  words. 

~~  There  are  plenty  of  exceptions  to  this  rule,  in  the  case  of 
men  whose  souls  are  little  and  mean,  and  who  are  vulgarians 
at  heart,  in  whatever  station  in  life  they  may  happen  to 
have  been  born ;  just  as  among  those  who  are  of  the  most 
humble  birth  and  breeding  there  is  occasionally  to  be  found 
a  man  whose  natural  nobility  of  character  and  native  refine- 
ment stamp  him  as  one  of  nature's  gentlemen. 

Burns  belonged  to  the  latter  class.  The  letters  of  this 
most  unfortunate  man  of  genius  are  full  of  just  and  bitter 
indignation  at  the  neglect,  the  contempt  with  which  he  was 
too  often  treated.  As  Carlyle  says,  in  his  noble  eulogium  of 
the  peasant  poet,  mankind  could  find  nothing  better  to  do 
with  this  wonderful  man  than  to  make  a  ganger  of  him  ! 

In  our  own  country  we  have  no  recognized  aristocracy,  no 
absolutely  superior  class,  and  we  have  reason  to  be  devoutly 
thankful  therefor.  But  our  democratic  form  of  society  is 
(attended  with  some  evils,  and  one  of  these  is  the  boundless 
self-assertion  with  which  many  people  strive  to  eke  out  what 
else  were  very  insufficient  claims  to  social  pre-eminence. 
They  know,  at  the  bottom  of  their  hearts,  that  they  have  no 
real  right  to  the  superiority  which  they  would  fain  assume ; 
hence  they  strive,  by  an  arrogant  bearing,  by  an  aping  of 
the  faults  of  the  aristocracies  of  European  countries,  to  put 
themselves  on  a  level  with  these  latter.  They  forget  that 
the  higher  the  station,  the  greater  are  its  obligations.  An 
hereditary  nobility  without  refinement,  grace,  or  a  sense  of 
duty  and  responsibility,  with  no  claim  to  elevated  rank  save 
that  of  boundless  pride,  would  not  long  be  endured  by  any 
country.  Its  members  may  often  be  profligate  and  morally 


PRIDE  AND  PARVENUS.  305 

worthless ;  but  even  such  unworthy  scions  of  a  noble  race 
know  that  amiability  and  graciousness  are  expected  of  them, 
why  else  the  title  l '  Your  Grace  "  ?  When  we  come  to  royalty, 
it  is  very  plain  that  even  the  puppet  kings  and  queens  of 
England  pay  dearly  for  their  exalted  station,  by  the  sacrifice 
of  their  own  time,  tastes,  and  pleasures,  by  the  wretched 
condition  of  dress  parade,  and  the  continual  appearance  in 
public,  which  is  rigorously  exacted  of  them. 

Hence  the  spectacle  of  one  set  of  people  claiming  to  be  like 
another  simply  because  they  have  produced  a  fair  imitation 
of  the  faults  of  the  latter,  is  about  as  absurd  as  if  a  scare- 
crow should  claim  to  be  like  a  man  because  he  too  wore  a 
coat  and  hat ! 

While  pride,  as  a  weapon  of  offence,  is  entirely  out  of  place 
in  civilized  society,  there  is  still  a  certain  species  of  it,  — 
what  people  call  proper  pride,  —  which  a  self-respecting  man 
has  a  perfect  right  to  use  as  a  shield  against  impertinence  or 
over-familiarity.  There  are  persons  in  this  world  who  will 
take  advantage  of  the  courtesy  with  which  they  are  treated, 
to  assume  a  familiarity  that  the  acquaintanceship  in  no  wise 
warrants,  toward  those  whom  they  know  very  slightly.  Such 
persons  have  only  themselves  to  blame  if  they  are  snubbed. 
To  be  perfectly  polite  and  courteous,  and  to  be  "  hail  fellow, 
well  met "  with  everybody  one  meets,  are  two  very  different 
matters. 

The  rebuke  of  the  young  King  Henry  V.  to  the  impertinent 
greeting  of  Falstaff  is  a  famous  instance  of  a  richly-deserved 
reprimand,  —  not  of  vice  only,  but  of  undue  familiarity  as 
well.  Yet  the  royal  Harry  was  not  filled  with  an  overween- 
ing pride  of  place.  He  was  the  darling  of  his  soldiery,  not  for 
his  skill  and  bravery  alone,  but  for  his  humane  and  generous 
temper  as  well.  His  oft-quoted  epitaph  on  Falstaff,  — 

"  Poor  Jack,  farewell  ! 
I  could  have  better  spared  a  better  man," 
20 


306  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

shows  his  real  appreciation  of  the  wit  and  genial  humor  of 
his  famous  companion. 

In  the  same  way,  when  our  friend  Jeames  is  treated  with 
hauteur  by  Captain  George  Silvertop,  we  feel  that  the  gallant 
Captain  is  in  the  right,  though  our  sympathies  are  with  the 
eloquent  Jeames. 

" '  Mr.  De  la  Pluche,'  here  said  a  gintlemen  in  whiskers 
and  mistashes  standing  by,  'hadn't  you  better  take  your 
spurs  out  of  the  Countess  of  Bareacres'  train  ? '  '  Never  mind 
mamma's  train '  (said  Lady  Hangelina),  '  this  is  the  great 
Mr.  De  la  Pluche  —  let  me  present  you  to  Captain  George 
Silvertop.'  The  Capting  bent  just  one  jint  of  his  back  very 
slitely ;  I  retund  his  stare  with  equill  hottiness." 

The  man  who  goes  about  the  world  enraging  everybody  by 
his  ill-concealed  pride  and  arrogance,  is  like  a  householder 
who  throws  hot  water  out  of  the  window  on  the  inoffensive 
passers-by.  But  the  man  who  only  appears  haughty  when 
he  is  treated  with  unwarrantable  familiarity,  may  be  likened 
to  the  householder  who  knows  that  his  house  is  his  castle, 
and  will  not  permit  trespassers  therein.  "  It  makes  my  blood 

boil  to  be  treated  with  the  supercilious  manner  which  Mr. 

puts  on  toward  me  because  he  is  rich  and  I  am  poor,"  said  an 
intelligent  young  man  not  long  since. 

Oh,  men  and  women  on  whom  fortune  has  smiled,  do  you 
realize  how  cruel  you  are  to  use  the  success  which  Providence 
has  given  you,  as  a  two-edged  weapon  with  which  to  stab  and 
thrust  back  those  who  are  less  fortunate  than  yourselves  ? 
You  do  not,  I  am  sure  you  do  not;  for  if  you  did,  you 
would  remember  that  it  is  the  arrogance  of  the  victor  which 
makes  defeat  bitter  to  the  vanquished.  Surely  success  should 
bring  smiles  and  happiness,  not  frowns  and  arrogance.  How 
well  did  the  ancient  Romans  understand  the  weakness  and 
pride  of  the  human  heart  when  they  placed  the  slave,  with 
his  "  memento  mori,"  in  the  triumphal  car  of  the  conqueror  ! 


PRIDE  AND  PARVENUS.  307 

Thackeray  had  a  theory  that  snobbishness  was  universal; 
that  every  one  was  more  or  less  of  a  snob  at  heart.  It  seems 
to  me  that  the  great  satirist  had  studied  this  odious  phase  of 
human  character  so  long,  that  his  view  had  become  somewhat 
jaundiced  thereby.  Might  we  not  say  more  truly  that  snob- 
bishness is  a  sort  of  fever  which  every  one  has  at  some  period 
of  his  existence'?  Many  people  recover  from  it  after  one 
dreadful  attack,  which  always  occurs  between  the  ages  of 
fifteen  and  twenty-five.  Others,  again,  are  subject  to  an  inter- 
mittent variety  of  snobbishness  ;  while  to  some  persons  it 
clings  with  the  persistence  of  a  true  malaria,  and  they  are 
never  wholly  free  from  its  malign  influence. 

Human  nature  is  too  full  of  varied  emotions  to  be  treated 
as  if  it  were  a  one-stringed  fiddle  playing  the  same  old  tune 
everlastingly.  We  are  not  always  under  the  dominion  of  the 
same  faults,  any  more  than  we  are  always  swayed  by  the  same 
virtues.  There  were  seven  devils  who  entered  the  house 
spoken  of  in  Scripture ;  and  while  Snobbishness  is  certainly  a 
very  large  and  powerful  devil,  it  is  not  the  only  one  of  its 
tribe.  Indeed,  it  may  be  considered  in  the  light  of  a  single 
manifestation  of  two  evil  forces,  —  selfishness  and  cowardice. 
A  man  is  a  snob  —  first,  because  he  is  afraid  of  what  other 
people  may  say  of  him  ;  and  second,  because  he  is  selfish  and 
wishes  to  advance  his  own  way  in  the  world. 

It  seems  a  little  singular  that  youth  should  be  the  time  of 
life  which  is  more  subject  than  any  other  to  this  form  of  moral 
cowardice ;  because  in  the  mere  matter  of  physical  courage 
young  people  are  very  superior  to  their  elders.  But  youth  is 
very  selfish  in  many  ways,  though  full  of  noble  and  generous 
emotions  if  the  right  chords  are  only  touched.  The  young 
man,  newly  released  from  the  pleasant  bondage  of  childhood, 
sees  the  whole  world  suddenly  placed  within  his  reach,  as 
he  thinks.  At  the  same  time  it  is  revealed  to  him,  as  by  a 
flash  of  light,  that  mankind  attach  great  importance  to  the  out- 


308  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

ward  shows  and  forms  of  things,  —  a  truth  which  is  entirely 
concealed  from  the  clear  and  beautiful  vision  of  childhood.  So 
the  young  man,  filled  with  a  desire  to  grasp  the  sxim  of  earthly 
happiness,  and  over-estimating  the  importance  of  what  we  call 
"appearances,"  —  because  he  has  just  found  out  that  they 
are  of  any  consequence  at  all,  —  becomes  a  good  deal  of  a  snob 
in  minor  and  outward  matters.  He  suffers  tortures  if  he  is 
obliged  to  do  anything  except  "  what  everybody  else  does," 
or  if  he  is  obliged  to  appear  in  any  way  unlike  other  people. 
But  a  child  never  troubles  its  happy  little  heart  about  what 
people  will  think  or  say,  or  about  its  own  appearance.  A 
pretty  little  girl  of  twelve  fell  down  on  the  ice  some  years 
ago  and  broke  out  one  of  her  front  teeth.  Her  relatives  were 
very  much  troubled  at  this  misfortune,  and  at  the  sad  havoc 
that  it  made  in  the  little  lady's  beauty.  But  she  herself 
was  perfectly  serene  as  soon  as  the  pain  had  subsided,  and 
tried  in  vain  to  understand  why  her  friends  were  troubled. 
She  had  plenty  of  teeth  left,  she  said,  and  it  did  not  hurt 
now! 

The  torments  which  parents  endure  from  the  extraordinary 
sensitiveness  to  appearances  which  afflicts  their  growing  sons 
and  daughters,  would  be  pathetic  were  they  not  so  universal. 
The  young  people  suddenly  discover  that  the  charming 
roomy  old  mansion  in  which  they  have  been  brought  up  is 
shabby  and  otd-fashioned.  The  family  carryall,  in  which 
they  have  driven  sleepily  to  clmrch  from  their  earliest  in- 
fancy, is  changed  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye  from  an  easy- 
going, delightful  old  vehicle,  to  a  hopelessly  decrepit  rattle- 
trap. The  horse  is  condemned,  without  appeal,  as  old,  fat, 
and  lame,  and  the  driver  is  not  half  spruce  enough,  —  he 
must  have  a  tall  hat,  mutton-chop  whiskers,  top-boots,  and 
livery,  without  delay. 

As  to  the  young  lady  and  gentleman  themselves,  of  course 
their  raiment  is  found  to  be  hopelessly  out  of  style,  and  noth- 


PRIDE  AND  PARVENUS.  309 

ing  but  the  services  of  the  most  expensive  tailors  for  both 
sexes  can  make  them  feel  in  any  degree  satisfied  with  their 
own  appearance.  A  domestic  revolution  takes  place  very 
promptly  ;  poor  paterfamilias  puts  on  a  very  rueful  face, 
and  wishes  that  if  young  people  must  be  discontented  with 
their  clothes,  like  Cinderella,  that  they  would  at  least  follow 
her  example  by  providing  their  own  fairy  godmother. 

The  doctrine  that  fine  feathers  make  fine  birds  seems  to 
be  a  very  old  one.  In  a  delightful  ballad,  which  must  be 
nearly  as  old  as  the  wars  between  Stephen  and  Mathilda, 
and  from  which  Shakspeare  quotes,  we  find  these  verses  :  — 

HE. 

0  Bell,  my  wiffe,  why  dost  thou  floute  ? 

Now  is  nowe,  and  then  was  then  : 
Seeke  now  all  the  world  throughout 

Thou  kenst  not  clownes  from  gentleman, 
They  are  cladd  in  blacke,  greane,  yellowe,  or  gray, 

Soe  far  above  their  own  degree  : 
Once  in  my  life  He  doe  as  they  ; 

For  lie  have  a  new  cloake  about  mee. 


King  Stephen  was  a  worthy  peere, 

His  breeches  cost  him  but  a  crowne  ; 
He  held  them  sixpence  all  too  deere, 

Therefore  he  calld  the  taylor  lowne. 
He  was  a  wight  of  high  renowne, 

And  thouse  but  of  a  low  degree, 
Itts  pride  that  putts  the  countrye  downe, 

Man,  take  thine  old  cloake  about  thee. 


CHAPTER   XXXII. 

THERE   IS   NOTHING   NEW  UNDER  THE   SUN. 

WHEN  we  read  of  the  manners  and  customs  of  by-gone 
times,  nothing  pleases  us  so  much  as  to  come  across  some 
little  trait  of  character  or  some  observance  which  reminds  us 
of  our  own  day.  We  see  demonstrated  —  perhaps  for  the 
thousandth  time  —  the  essential  brotherhood  of  man,  the 
oneness  of  human  nature,  ancient  and  modern.  The  imagi- 
nation bridges  over  the  intervening  centuries  between  our 
own  days  and  those  of  old  with  a  rapidity  which  throws  the 
operations  of  military  bridge-builders  far  into  the  shade. 
We  seem  to  walk  and  talk  with  spirits  long  vanished  from 
the  earth. 

"  One  touch  of  nature  makes  the  whole  world  kin,"  as  Shak- 
speare  undoubtedly  said,  though  the  humaritarian  vanity  of 
the  nineteenth  century  has  lately  put  it  into  the  head  of  a 
writer  to  say  that  the  great  poet  did  not  intend  this  famous 
passage  to  be  read  in  the  sense  ordinarily  ascribed  to  it  — 
that  Shakspeare  builded  better  than  he  knew !  Truly,  in 
none  but  a  conceited  epoch  like  the  present  would  any  one 
dare  to  limit  the  imagination  of  a  Shakspeare,  or  have  the 
presumption  to  declare  that  the  poet  who  understood  human 
nature  from  A  to  Izzard,  needed  a  lesson  in  its  essential 
•nobility  from  the  era  of  penny-a-liners  ! 

The  antiquarian  spirit  within  us  certainly  delights  in  odd 
discoveries,  and  in  the  bringing  to  light  of  curious  facts  in 


THERE  IS  NOTHING  NEW  UNDER  THE  SUN.    311 

regard  to  by-gone  days.  When  in  these  ancient  legends  we 
find  the  prototypes  —  or  the  origin  —  of  things  well  known 
to  ourselves,  then  is  our  historical  happiness  made  perfect ; 
we  revel  in  facts  at  once  strange  and  familiar,  and  the  archae- 
ologist and  philosopher  in  our  breasts  are  both  well  satisfied. 
We  feel  as  does  the  philologist  who  is  studying  some  new 
language,  and  who  rejoices  greatly  whenever  he  discovers  an 
old  familiar  word  masquerading  under  a  new  form. 

Thus  it  is  truly  delightful  to  find  eras  of  Jeffersonian  sim- 
plicity constantly  recurring  throughout  history,  to  be  as  con- 
stantly succeeded,  alas !  by  periods  of  profusion  and  prodigality. 
The  reign  of  Philip  Augustus  of  France  (the  contemporary  of 
Richard  Cceur-de-Lion)  inaugurated  a  day  of  economy  among 
kings  and  princes,  made  necessary  by  the  enormous  outlays 
for  the  machinery  of  war,  —  arrows,  helmets,  chariots,  etc.,  — 
and  for  the  pay  of  men-at-arms  demanded  by  the  crusades. 
Philip  never  made  any  considerable  displays  of  magnificence 
save  on  occasions  of  state,  and  had  only  a  few  personal  at- 
tendants,—  a  chancellor,  a  chaplain,  an  esquire,  a  cup-bearer, 
some  knights  of  the  Temple,  and  a  few  sergeants-at-arms 
comprising  all  the  officers  of  the  palace.  The  king  and 
the  princes  changed  their  garments  only  three  times  a  year, 
—  at  the  Feast  of  Saint  Andrew  (the  last  day  of  November), 
on  Christmas,  and  at  the  Feast  of  the  Assumption.  They  wore 
simple  raiment,  the  king's  royal  mantle  of  scarlet  being  ap- 
parently the  one  piece  of  genuine  finery  ;  certainly  it  was  the 
one  jewelled  garment  that  existed  at  court,  and  this  was 
only  worn  on  grand  occasions.  The  royal  children  slept 
in  sheets  made  of  a  species  of  serge,  and  their  mirses  wore 
dark  robes  made  of  a  woollen  material  called  "  brunette." 

Philip  the  Handsome  was  economical  as  long  as  his  first 
wife,  Jane  of  Navarre,  lived  ;  an  ordinance  to  the  niattre 
d'hdtel  of  his  time  empowers  that  functionary  "to  buy  all 
the  clothes  and  furs  for  the  king,  to  keep  the  key  of  the 


312  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

wardrobes,  to  know  how  much  cloth  was  given  to  the  tailors, 
and  to  verify  the  accounts  when  the  tailors  were  paid." 

A  much  more  modern  instance  of  royal  economy  for  wise 
purposes  is  found  in  Frederick  the  Great's  melting  into  silver 
dollars  the  staircase  of  solid  silver  built  by  his  grandfather. 
Indeed,  the  traditions  of  the  house  of  Hohenzollern  favor  a 
rugged  simplicity  of  life  which  would  not  be  endured  for  a 
moment  by  any  wealthy  inhabitant  of  our  luxurious  republic. 
The  narrow  camp-bedstead,  the  simple  wash-stand,  etc.,  of  the 
Emperor  of  Germany  would  be  scorned  by  any  American 
whose  income  was  a  thousand  dollars  a  year  ! 

Queen  Victoria  herself  has  been  sometimes  charged  with 
penuriousness,  although  it  seems  impossible  that  any  very 
mean  person  should  put  lace  worth  eighty  thousand  dollars 
(if  I  mistake  not  the  figure)  into  the  royal  rag-bag,  where  it 
was  discovered  by  the  sharp  eyes  of  her  devoted  youngest 
daughter.  However,  there  is  no  doubt  that  the  wax-candles 
from  the  Royal  Palace  are  regularly  sold  to  the  outside  world, 
since  it  is  contrary  to  etiquette  to  light  them  a  second  time. 
Let  us  hope,  however,  that  the  Queen  does  not  directly  profit 
by  the  sale  of  the  "  palace  ends,"  as  they  are  called. 

It  is  interesting  to  learn  that  Lord  Chesterfield's  celebrated 
Advice  to  his  Son  had  a  prototype  as  early  as  the  end  of  the 
fourteenth  century,  in  a  book  of  instructions  written  by  one 
Geoffroi  de  la  Tour-landry,  an  Angevin  nobleman,  for  the 
benefit  of  his  three  daughters.  This  anxious  father,  wishing 
his  daughters  to  have  prudence  and  wisdom  as  safeguards  to 
their  beauty,  gave  a  number  of  rules  for  their  conduct,  inter- 
spersed with  anecdotes  by  way  of  illustration. 

One  of  these  reminds  us  of  the  well-known  story  of  General 
Washington  and  the  negro.  "  I  have  seen  a  great  lady  take 
off  her  '  chaperon '  [a  sort  of  hood]  and  salute  a  simple  '  tail- 
landier '  [edge-tool  maker] ;  when  some  one  expressed  surprise 
at  this  proceeding,  the  lady  replied,  '  I  prefer  to  have  been  too 


THERE  IS  NOTHING  NEW  UNDER  THE  SUN.    313 

courteous  to  this  man,  rather  than  to  have  shown  the  least 
impoliteness  to  a  chevalier.' "  It  seems  a  strange  notion  to 
us,  that  of  a  lady  removing  her  head -gear  when  about 
to  make  a  salutation.  Knight  says  that  the  chaperon  or 
hood  of  this  period  was  of  a  most  indescribable  shape,  and 
was  sometimes  worn  over  the  capuciurn,  or  cowl ;  thus  it 
may  have  been  thrown  back,  to  show  the  features  of  the 
wearer. 

The  eldest  daughter  of  this  discreet  father  lived  an  exem- 
plary life,  but  the  second  one  was  much  addicted  to  feasting 
and  gayety,  and  arose  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  like  a 
naughty  school-girl,  to  stuff  herself  with  good  things.  Her 
husband  followed  and  discovered  her,  and  was  so  much 
enraged  that  he  beat  her  with  a  stick,  a  fragment  whereof 
flew  off  and  injured  her  eye ;  after  which,  the  old  chronicler 
naively  says,  he  was  less  fond  of  her ! 

The  chastisement  of  the  youn^'  by  their  parents  we  know 
to  have  been  highly  approved  of  in  King  Solomon's  time, 
and  no  doubt  long  before  ;  but  there  is  a  curious  anecdote 
that  deserves  mention  in  regard  to  Anne  of  Austria,  regent 
of  France,  and  the  frequent  whippings  which  she  bestowed 
on  her  son  Louis  Quatorze.  The  Queen  always  accom- 
panied the  floggings  with  profound  reverences,  which  she  con- 
sidered as  due  to  the  future  king  of  France,  till  one  day  he 
cried  out,  "Ah,  Madame,  not  so  many  reverences  or  so  many 
whippings  !  " 

The  modern  diner  &  la  Russe  seems  to  have  existed  in  a 
rudimentary  form  as  long  ago  as  the  time  of  Herodotus. 
That  historian  says  of  the  Persians  :  "  They  are  moderate  at 
their  meals,  but  eat  of  many  after  dishes,  and  those  not  served 
up  together.  On  this  account  the  Persians  say  that  the  Greeks 
rise  hungry  from  table,  because  nothing  worth  mentioning  is 
brought  in  after  dinner,  and  that  if  anything  were  brought 
in  they  would  not  leave  off  eating." 


314  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

It  is  pleasant  to  learn  that  the  Yankees  are  not  the  only 
nation  who  connect  the  destruction  of  sticks  with  the  making 
of  a  bargain.  The  Zulu  does  not,  to  be  sure,  whittle  a  stick 
while  dickering  Avith  his  savage  brother;  but  he  puts  a  piece 
of  wood  in  his  mouth  and  chews  it,  hoping  by  this  symbolic 
act  to  soften  the  heart  of  the  man  from  whom  he  wishes  to 
buy  oxen.  In  the  same  way  stick-chewing  constitutes  a 
part  of  his  wooing,  and  is  thought  to  soften  the  hard  heart 
of  his  dark-skinned  lady-love.  This  is  reversing  the  old 
Hebrew  tradition  in  accordance  with  which  the  rejected 
lover  broke  a  wand  over  his  knee  when  his  mistress  wedded 
another  man. 

Many  people  consider  that  the  witchcraft  of  ancient  days 
was  an  early  manifestation  of  modern  spiritualism,  and  it  is 
certainly  rather  startling  to  find  in  John  Bale's  sixteenth 
century  interlude,  an  account  of  stools  and  earthen  pots  moving 
about,  much  after  the  fashion  of  our  modern  table-tipping. 

"  Theyr  wells  I  can  up  drye, 
Cause  trees  and  herbes  to  dye, 
And  alee  all  pultereye, 

Whereas  men  doth  me  move : 
I  can  make  stoles  to  daunce, 
And  earthen  pottes  to  praunce, 
That  none  shall  them  enhaunce, 
And  do  but  cast  my  glove." 

N.  B.  It  is  evident  from  this  passage  that  in  the  days  of 
Elizabeth  the  Boston  or  broad  pronunciation  of  "  dance  "  and 
similar  words  existed  in  England.  Witchcraft  is  said  to 
have  been  known  in  Europe  in  the  centuries  preceding 
the  tenth,  but  it  had  no  especial  prominence.  Charlemagne 
anticipated  the  tolerance  of  the  nineteenth  century  by  more 
than  a  thousand  years !  This  wise  and  powerful  monarch, 
far  from  persecuting  witches,  like  a  Sewall  or  a  Cotton 
Mather,  enacted  laws  directed  against  such  people  as  should 
put  men  or  women  to  death  on  the  charge  of  witchcraft. 


THERE  IS  NOTHING  NEW  UNDER  THE  SUN.    315 

Among  the  superstitions  which  still  survive  even  in  the 
minds  of  educated  people,  a  notable  one  is  the  fear  that 
the  building  a  new  house  will  cause  a  death  in  the  family. 
This  seems  undoubtedly  to  be  a  survival  of  the  old  barbarian 
belief  that  a  victim  must  be  buried  under  a  new  building  in 
order  to  make  it  stand.  History  gives  numerous  instances  of 
varying  forms  of  this  belief,  from  the  folly  of  which  even 
highly-civilized  people  are  not  exempt. 

The  custom  of  consulting  old  women,  and  one's  acquain- 
tance generally,  in  cases  of  illness,  is  a  very  ancient  one, 
though  perhaps  no  nation  save  the  Babylonians  ever  recog- 
nized this  sort  of  quackery  as  the  best  mode  of  treatment  for 
disease.  Herodotus  says  :  "They  bring  out  their  sick  to  the 
market-place,  for  they  have  no  physicians ;  then  those  who 
pass  by  the  sick  person  confer  with  him  about  the  disease, 
to  discover  whether  they  have  themselves  been  afflicted  with 
the  same  disease  as  the  sick  person  or  have  seen  others  so 
afflicted  .  .  .  and  advise  him  to  have  recourse  to  the  same 
treatment  as  that  by  which  they  have  escaped  a  similar  dis- 
ease." He  adds  that  no  one  was  allowed  to  pass  by  a  sick 
person  in  silence.  This  was  certainly  applying  the  doctrine 
of  Moliere's  "  Le  Medecin  malgre  lui "  to  a  whole  nation  ! 

Every  one  knows  the  delightful  proposition  made  by  a 
writer  in  our  own  century  to  shut  up  boys  —  in  barrels  or 
otherwise  —  during  the  odious  period  of  hobbledehoydom ; 
and  it  is  both  curious  and  instructive  to  find  our  all-wise 
Shakspeare  expressing  the  same  wish,  though  with  greater 
mildness.  He  says  in  "  A  Winter's  Tale"  :  "I  would  there 
was  no  age  between  ten  and  three-and-twenty ;  or  that  youth 
would  sleep  out  the  rest."  Whence  we  may  reasonably  infer 
that  the  young  fellows  of  that  day  were  very  much  like  the 
troublesome  boys  of  our  own  time. 

When  we  come  to  speak  of  amusements,  we  find  that  many 
of  our  games  have  been  played  for  hundreds  of  years,  and 


316  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

some  were  known  to  the  ancient  Greeks  and  Romans.  Virgil 
describes  a  whipping-top,  and  Pliny  tells  about  a  rich  woman 
who  was  very  fond  of  playing  chess.  Bagatelle  was  played 
three  or  four  hundred  years  ago  under  the  name  of  Trou- 
madame,  or  Pigeon-holes.  An  old  treatise  on  Buxton  baths, 
in  describing  the  amusements  of  the  place,  says :  "The 
ladies,  gentlewomen,  wives,  maids,  if  the  weather  be  not 
agreeable,  may  have  in  the  end  of  a  bench  eleven  holes 
made,  into  the  which  to  troule  pummits,  either  violent  or 
soft,  after  their  own  discretion  ;  the  pastime  troule  in  ma- 
dame  is  termed." 

An  illumination  of  the  fifteenth  century  shows  Louis  XL 
of  France  playing  checkers  with  his  courtiers.  They  are 
represented  as  sitting  on  hard  wooden  benches  and  playing 
on  a  bare  wooden  table.  Despite  the  presence  of  the  king, 
and  the  fact  that  the  scene  is  apparently  within  doors,  all 
wear  their  hats.  These  look  like  low-crowned  Derbys,  or  soft 
felt  hats. 

Two  centuries  earlier  we  find  gentlemen  of  quality  amus- 
ing themselves  with  backgammon,  checkers,  and  chess,  "  to 
which  certain  chevaliers  consecrated  all  their  leisure." 

Playing-cards  were  used  by  Charles  VI.  of  France,  and  an 
entry  in  the  account-book  of  his  treasurer,  about  the  year  1393, 
mentions  this  item  :  "  Fifty-six  sols  of  Paris  given  to  Jacque- 
min  Gringonneur,  painter,  for  three  packs  of  cards,  gilt  and 
colored,  and  of  different  sorts,  for  the  diversion  of  his  Majesty." 
An  old  manuscript  copy  of  "Renard  le  Contrefait"  would 
seem  to  prove  that  cards  Avere  known  in  France -about  the 
year  1340,  or  six  years  before  the  battle  of  Cressy,  where  fire- 
arms were  used  for  the  first  time. 

The  fact  that  gunpowder  and  the  "  Devil's  pictured  books  " 
came  into  use  at  the  same  period  might  perhaps  furnish  an 
additional  argument  to  those  who  contend  that  cards  are  an 
invention  of  the  Evil  One.  "  A  youth  of  frolics,  an  old  ago 


THERE  IS  NOTHING  NEW  UNDER  THE  SUN.    317 

of  cards,"  said  Pope.  But  Thackeray  understood  the  matter 
much  better.  In  his  "  Roundabout  Papers  "  he  says  :  — 

"  If  I  had  children  to  educate,  I  would  at  ten  or  twelve 
years  of  age  have  a  professor  or  professoress  of  whist  for  them, 
and  cause  them  to  be  well  grounded  in  that  great  and  useful 
game.  You  cannot  learn  it  well  when  you  are  old,  any  more 
than  you  can  learn  dancing  or  billiards.  ...  A  waste  of 
time,  my  good  people  !  Allans  !  What  do  elderly  home- 
keeping  people  do  of  a  night  after  dinner  \  Darby  gets  his 
newspaper,  my  dear  Joan  her  '  Missionary  Magazine,'  — 
and  don't  you  know  what  ensues '?  Over  the  arm  of  Darby's 
arm-chair  the  paper  flutters  to  the  ground  unheeded,  and  he 
performs  the  trumpet  obbligato  que  vous  savez  on  his  old 
nose.  My  dear  old  Joan's  head  nods  over  her  sermon 
(awakening  though  the  doctrine  may  be).  Ding,  ding, 
ding ;  can  that  be  ten  o'clock  1  It  is  time  to  send  the 
servants  to  bed,  my  dear,  —  and  to  bed  master  and  mistress 
go  too.  But  they  have  not  wasted  their  time  playing  at 
cards,  —  oh  no  !  .  .  .  Not  play  at  whist  ?  '  Quelle  triste 
vieillesse  vous  vous  preparez ! '  were  the  words  of  the  great 
and  good  Bishop  of  Autun." 

The  art  of  dancing  in  the  Middle  Ages  had  not  yet  attained 
the  degree  of  intricacy  which  marks  our  modern  german. 
From  miniatures  of  that  period  it  would  seem  that  ordinary 
dancing  consisted  simply  of  forming  large  rounds  or  circles, 
in  which  people  turned  around,  and  swayed  themselves  in 
cadence,  observing  the  measure  of  the  music. 

Some  curious  dances  also  are  illustrated  in  ancient  books, 
such  as  the  torch  dance,  and  the  famous  dance  of  satyrs, 
which  caused  a  fearful  accident  at  the  court  of  France  in  1392. 
Froissart  describes  how  a  squire  of  Normandy  devised  six 
coats  made  of  linen  cloth  covered  with  pitch,  and  thereon 
flax-like  hair.  The  king  and  five  noblemen  put  these  on  ; 
"and  when  they  were  thus  arrayed  in  these  sad  coats,  and 


318  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

sewed  fast  in  them,  they  seemed  like  wild  woodhouses 
[savages]  full  of  hair  from  the  top  of  the  head  to  the  sole 
of  the  foot."  All  the  varlets  holding  torches  were  com- 
manded to  stand  up  by  the  walls,  and  none  of  them  to 
approach  near  to  the  woodhouses  that  should  come  thither 
to  dance.  They  were  so  disguised  in  flax  that  no  man  kne\v 
them ;  five  of  them  were  fastened  one  to  another ;  the  king 
was  loose,  and  went  before  and  led  the  device. 

The  Duke  of  Orleans  was  so  anxious  to  find  out  who  the 
dancers  were,  that  he  placed  a  torch  so  near  the  satyrs  that 
the  flax  took  fire ;  all  were  burned  to  death  save  the  king 
and  one  other,  who  fled  to  the  "  botry "  and  cast  himself 
into  a  vessel  full  of  water  wherein  they  rinsed  pots,  and 
thus  saved  himself.  "  The  Duchess  of  Berry  delivered  the 
king  from  that  peril,  for  she  did  cast  over  him  the  train  of 
her  gown  and  covered  him  from  the  fire." 

The  boat-races  of  antiquity  seem  to  have  excited  almost  as 
much  contemporaneous  interest  as  the  international  yacht- 
races  of  our  day.  Virgil,  in  his  account  of  the  games  at 
the  tomb  of  Anchises,  describes  how  the  owner  of  one  of 
the  boats  became  so  enraged  at  his  pilot  for  not  hugging  the 
turning-stake  (in  this  case  a  rock)  as  much  as  he  thought 
proper,  that  he  pitched  the  unfortunate  man  into  the  sea, 
and  every  one  laughed  at  the  luckless  navigator  when  he 
finally  succeeded  in  climbing  on  to  the  rock,  panting  for 
breath,  and  dripping  with  sea-water.  In  the  same  account 
Virgil  describes  the  terrible  ccestus,  or  ancestor  of  our  modern 
boxing-glove,  which  consisted  of  seven  thicknesses  of  bull's 
hide,  strengthened  with  lead  and  iron,  and  sometimes  adorned 
with  brass  knuckles.  The  imagination  shudders  at  the 
thought  of  what  the  great  John  L.  would  be  able  to  accom- 
plish arrayed  in  these  terrible  gauntlets.  In  the  Iliad  they 
are  called  "  the  gloves  of  death ; "  and  so  dangerous  was 
the  contest  with  these  "  iron  hands,"  that  both  Homer  and 


THERE  IS  NOTHING  NEW  UNDER  THE  SUN.    319 

Virgil  dwell  on  the  difficulty  of  inducing  heroes  to  enter  the 
ancient  prize-ring,  where  prizes  were  provided  for  the  van- 
quished as  well  as  for  the  victor. 

There  is  not  space  enough  left  in  this  chapter  to  speak  at 
length  of  the  follies  in  dress  of  ancient  times,  or  to  solve  the 
difficult  problem  of  the  date  and  origin  of  the  first  dude.  Rich- 
ard II.  of  England  was  perhaps  the  greatest  fop  of  his  century ; 
and  by  a  somewhat  singular  coincidence  his  reign  was  filled  with 
labor  troubles  and  commotions,  very  much  as  is  our  own  Age 
of  Dudes.  The  shoes,  also,  were  worn  with  very  long  points 
or  pikes,  like  an  exaggeration  of  those  we  have  lately  seen. 
Eichard  "  had  a  coat  estimated  at  thirty  thousand  marks,  the 
value  of  which  must  chiefly  have  arisen  from  the  quantity 
of  precious  stones  with  which  it  was  embroidered,  such  being 
one  of  the  many  extravagant  fashions  of  the  time."  The 
wearing  of  enormous  sleeves  reaching  almost  to  the  feet  was 
another  foolish  habit  of  this  period,  against  which  Chaucer  and 
his  contemporaries  all  inveighed.  John  of  Gaunt,  the  founder 
of  the  house  of  Lancaster,  did  not  yield  to  the  follies  of 
dress  prevalent  in  his  nephew's  reign,  but  wore  a  sleeve  tight 
to  the  wrist,  with  a  sort  of  balloon  above  the  elbow. 

Foreign  as  well  as  native  writers  bear  witness  to  the 
foppery  of  the  English  at  or  about  this  time.  Paul  Lacroix 
relates  an  anecdote  of  a  French  lord  to  whom  some  one  had 
spoken  disparagingly  of  the  fashion  of  his  wife's  dress.  "  T 
wish  my  wife  dressed  like  the  good  ladies  of  France,  and  not 
like  those  of  England,"  replied  the  worthy  gentleman.  "  It 
was  the  latter  who  first  introduced  into  Brittany  wide 
borders,  bodices  divided  at  the  hip,  and  hanging  sleeves." 

In  the  reign  of  King  John  of  England  —  a  century  earlier 
—  the  beaux  curled  and  crisped  their  hair  with  irons.  They 
.seldom  wore  caps,  but  bound  slight  fillets  around  their  heads, 
as  they  wished  their  "  crimps  "  to  be  seen  and  admired. 


CHAPTER   XXXIII. 

HINTS   FOR  YOUNG  MEN.  —  WASHINGTON   CUSTOMS. 

IT  has  been  said  that  the  aim  of  education  should  be  to 
teach  a  person  how  to  study.  The  young  man  who  gradu- 
ates from  college  has  still  no  doubt  much  to  learn,  but  the 
key  of  future  knowledge  has  been  put  into  his  hand. 
He  knows  where  to  look  for  information  on  various  points ; 
he  has  been  placed  on  the  right  road,  and  it  will  be  his 
own  fault  if  he  does  not  keep  to  it.  Herein  he  has  a  great 
advantage  over  the  self-educated  man,  who  wanders  blindly 
and  without  compass  over  vast  fields  of  (to  him)  unclassified 
information.  It  is  wonderful  what  we  can  all  find  in  books, 
pictures,  or  the  face  of  Nature,  when  we  have  once  learned 
what  to  look  for.  The  diver  cannot  find  the  pearl  unless  he 
knows  where  the  oyster  lies. 

It  is  with  this  hope  —  the  hope  that  I  may  have  been  able 
to  place  the  reader  on  the  right  track,  to  turn  his  face  in  the 
right  direction  —  that  I  now  prepare  to  bring  this  little 
volume  to  a  close.  Xo  one  ever  learned  the  art  of  dancing, 
swimming,  or  fencing,  or  the  secret  of  a  courtly  and  polished 
manner,  from  the  study  of  books  alone.  These  can  give  but 
the  theory,  and  practice  must  be  added  to  theory  to  make  it 
perfect.  Carlyle  points  out,  in  a  very  striking  passage,  that 
in  every  art  and  trade  there  is  much  that  has  never  been 
and  never  will  be  written  down,  but  is  transmitted  from  one 
generation  of  artists  and  mechanics  to  another,  —  a  visible 


HINTS  FOR  YOUNG  MEN.  321 

tradition,  if  I  may  be  allowed  the  expression.  Thus  a  lost 
art  or  trade  can  never  in  the  nature  of  things  be  resusci- 
tated, though  it  is  sometimes  rediscovered. 

An  additional  difficulty  in  the  way  of  fixing  upon  paper  the 
open  secret  of  what  constitutes  good  manners  is,  that  our 
manners,  like  our  language,  are  constantly  undergoing  changes. 
The  spirit  alone  of  true  courtesy  remains  always  the  same, 
and  he  who  builds  the  edifice  of  his  behavior  on  this  founda- 
tion builds  on  a  rock. 

What  are  the  qualifications  that  best  fit  a  person  for  mak- 
ing himself  agreeable  in  society  1  Are  they  not  tact,  wit,  and 
good  spirits  ?  The  most  important  of  these  —  and  perhaps 
the  rarest  —  is  tact.  The  man  of  tact  is  not  of  necessity 
false  and  insincere,  although  very  downright  people  like 
to  call  him  so.  Say  rather  he  is  a  person  who  possesses 
an  infinite  power  of  silence ;  a  ready  steersman,  who  can 
always  dexterously  change  the  helm  of  conversation  when 
rocks  or  shoals  are  near.  He  can  know  or  divine  what  arc 
the  skeletons  in  the  closets  of  a  whole  roomful  of  people, 
and  yet  not  once  mention  these  disagreeable  subjects,  nor 
allow  others  to  mention  them  if  he  can  help  it.  This  is  his 
passive  or  negative  virtue.  His  active  and  positive  one  is 
the  knowledge  that  he  possesses  of  what  is  agreeable  to  each 
individual,  as  well  as  what  gratifies  the  world  at  large.  He 
talks,  or,  better  still,  he  listens  to  each  man  on  the  sub- 
ject of  which  that  man  loves  most  to  discourse.  Tact  means 
literally  the  act  of  touching.  A  person  who  possesses  true 
tact  may  be  said  to  resemble  one  of  those  radiates  which 
have,  a  thousand  sensitive  tentacles  or  feelers.  By  their 
help  his  mind  comes  in  contact  with  the  minds  of  his  neigh- 
bors at  an  infinite  number  of  points  ;  but  the  contact  is  one  of 
sympathy,  and  is  never  a  violent  collision.  Ready  sympathy 
is  a  very  necessary  element  of  tact,  but  it  is  not  the  only  one. 
Sympathy  without  intellectual  acuteness  leads  people  into 

21 


322  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

frightful  blunders.  Thus  the  sympathetic  woman  will  often 
read,  by  a  sort  of  semi-mesmeric  power,  what  is  passing  in 
the  mind  of  her  interlocutor ;  but  the  latter  may  be  dwelling 
on  some  subject  that  is  very  painful  to  him,  and  if  the  sym- 
pathetic woman  be  lacking  in  intelligence,  she  will  be  very  apt 
to  introduce  this  painful  theme  into  the  conversation,  always 
with  the  best  intentions.  Absent-minded  people  are  guilty 
of  the  same  mistakes,  and  are  often  celebrated  for  their  in- 
advertencies of  this  sort.  Thus  if  an  absent-minded  man  is 
talking  to  a  person  who  has  been  insane,  insanity  will  be 
vaguely  suggested  to  his  mind  ;  and  forgetting  the  exact  facts 
of  the  case  he  will  talk  about  crazy  people,  remembering, 
when  it  is  too  late,  the  unkiiidness  of  which  he  has  apparently 
been  guilty. 

The  man  who  is  witty  —  and  wise  as  well  —  is  always  a 
favorite  in  society.  But  his  wisdom  must  teach  him  not  to 
be  egotistical,  and  not  to  weary  the  company  with  too  many 
smart  sayings.  Finally,  the  person  who  has  good  spirits 
possesses  that  which  all  the  world  wants,  and  which  every 
man  may  borrow  from  him  without  impoverishing  the  lender. 
He  is  like  the  sun  ;  every  one  draws  near  him  for  warmth 
and  cheer.  One  of  the  greatest  charms  of  youth  is  its  gay 
good-nature,  the  brilliant  spirits  which  result  from  vigorous 
animal  life  and  health,  and  from  ignorance  of  the  world  and 
its  evils.  From  a  blase  young  man  or  woman  every  one 
prays  to  be  delivered ! 

At  the  present  moment  brains,  provided  they  be  not  too 
heavy,  are  at  a  great  premium  in  society.  The  intellectual  man 
is  the  idol  of  the  hour,  and  the  man  who  can  make  his 
hearers  intellectual  —  at  least  in  their  own  imagination  — 
is  sought  after  and  admired  beyond  all  others.  It  is  there- 
fore very  desirable  for  young  people  to  cultivate  any  talent 
they  may  possess  for  reading  aloud  and  reciting.  If  a  young 
man  has  a  thorough  knowledge  of  any  one  subject,  and  can 


HINTS  FOR  YOUNG  MEN. 

discourse  or  lecture  upon  it  clearly,  intelligently,  and  in  an 
interesting  manner,  he  will  find  himself  much  more  popular 
in  society  than  the  man  who  can  do  nothing  for  its  instruction 
or  amusement.  But  the  cultivated  man  must  strenuously 
avoid  the  temptation  to  display  his  talent  continually ;  h« 
must  be  ready  to  do  his  part  whenever  he  is  called  upon, 
but  not  otherwise. 

The  same  is  true  of  the  person  who  can  tell  amusing 
stories,  the  woman  who  can  play  on  the  mandolin,  the 
guitar,  or  the  harp,  and  of  many  others. 

The  line  which  divides  the  most  charming  person  in  the 
world  from  the  greatest  bore  is  of  a  hair's  width,  — like  the 
celebrated  step  which  separates  the  sublime  from  the  ridicu- 
lous. It  is  a  gift  of  the  gods  to  know  when  to  stop ;  and 
in  the  intoxication  of  success  many  people  go  far  beyond 
the  proper  limit,  when  lo  !  their  popularity  vanishes  like  a 
dream. 

There  is  another  very  important  qualification  for  making 
one's  self  agreeable  in  society,  and  that  is  the  willingness  to  be 
generally  useful.  The  obliging  man  or  woman  —  especially 
if  he  or  she  have  plenty  of  time  at  command  —  is  found  to 
be  indispensable.  But  such  a  person,  while  secretly  wielding 
great  power,  must  beware  of  openly  assuming  social  authority. 
The  power  behind  the  throne  must  remain  ever  in  the 
shadow.  If  the  man  who  holds  it  tries  to  sit  upon  the 
throne,  he  is  sure  to  be  kicked  off. 

If  the  greater  portion  of  this  volume  —  as  of  most  books 
of  the  kind  —  is  devoted  to  the  consideration  of  the  social 
duties  of  women  rather  than  of  men,  it  is  not  because  the 
former  stand  in  need  of  more  instruction  than  the  latter.  Is 
it  not  rather  that  women  are  willing  to  give  more  thought 
to  these  subjects,  and  take  a  greater  and  more  vital  interest 
in  them  1  Howells's  immortal  saying,  that  "  after  two  thou- 
sand years  man  is  imperfectly  monogamous  "  (I  quote  from 


324  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

memory),  might  have  had  as  an  addition  that  he  is  imper- 
fectly civilized  as  well.  Woman's  intellectual  position  as 
compared  with  that  of  man  may  admit  of  dispute  ;  but  her 
position  in  civilization  is  certainly  far  ahead  of  his.  Take  a 
small  community  in  our  far  West,  where  there  are  no 
women,  and  you  will  find  the  most  highly  civilized  men 
relapsing  into  barbarism. 

Even  in  our  own  part  of  the  world  young  men  are  often 
found  to  be  lacking  in  politeness,  and  in  that  deference  to- 
Avard  their  elders  and  toward  women  which  is  so  becoming 
in  a  manly  young  fellow.  To  such  an  one  the  writer  would 
like  to  offer  a  few  words  of  advice  in  a  friendly  spirit. 

A  gentleman  should  always  rise  from  his  chair  when  a  lady 
enters  or  leaves  the  room,  and  should  not  return  to  it  until 
she  has  taken  a  seat  or  passed  out,  as  the  case  may  be.  In 
the  latter  instance,  he  should  open  the  door  for  her ;  in  the 
former,  he  should  bring  a  chair  rather  than  suffer  her  to  lift 
one  for  herself.  The  man  who  will  allow  a  lady  to  carry  a 
chair  from  one  part  of  the  room  to  another  without  offering 
to  assist  her,  is  wanting  in  good-breeding.  Some  very  punc- 
tilious men  always  rise  whenever  a  lady  rises,  and  remain 
standing  until  she  resumes  her  seat ;  but  this  may  be  rather 
embarrassing  to  her  if  she  has  occasion  to  go  about  the  room 
often. 

Gentlemen  should  avoid  making  very  long  or  very  late 
evening  calls,  which  exhaust  the  patience  of  their  enter- 
tainers. Many  young  men  are  voted  bores  because  they 
make  visits  of  two  or  three  hours'  length ;  whereas  if  they 
remained  only  an  hour  or  an  hour  and  a  half,  they  would  be 
considered  as  decidedly  agreeable  persons. 

No  doubt  one  reason  for  these  interminable  calls  is  that 
many  men  do  not  know  how  to  get  out  of  a  room,  and  post- 
pone the  hour  of  departure  because  they  dread  it  so  much. 
When  they  rise  to  take  their  leave,  they  are  easily  persuaded 


HINTS  FOR  YOUNG  MEN.  325 

to  sit  clown  again,  although  perhaps  the  invitation  to  do  so 
is  merely  given  by  the  hostess  as  a  matter  of  form. 

"  Stand  not  upon  the  order  of  your  going, 
But  go  at  once." 

A  lingering  leave-taking  is  wearisome  to  host  and  guest  alike ; 
nor  is  it  polite  to  the  hostess,  since  she  feels  compelled  to 
stand  until  the  caller  has  left  the  room.  AVhen  a  gentle- 
man takes  his  leave  after  making  a  call  on  several  ladies, 
it  suffices  for  him  to  make  a  decided  bow  to  the  lady  of  the 
house,  with  a  slighter  inclination  to  the  other  members  of  the 
family.  Some  men  make  a  sort  of  final  and  general  saluta- 
tion as  they  pass  out  at  the  door  of  the  room;  but  this 
custom  does  not  prevail  generally  in  America. 

The  custom  of  making  evening  calls,  except  upon  intimate 
friends,  is  rapidly  going  out  of  fashion.  Young  men  now 
call  in  the  afternoon,  after  an  invitation  to  dinner  for  instance, 
and  make  a  visit  of  twenty  minutes  or  half  an  hour  in  length. 
This  change  of  hours  is  due  in  part  to  the  imitation  of  Eng- 
lish customs,  and  in  part  to  the  present  fashion  of  dining 
late,  which  gives  gentlemen  an  opportunity  to  make  calls 
after  business  hours,  and  before  the  seven-o'clock  dinner  now 
so  much  in  vogue. 

A  gentleman  should  never  allow  a  lady  to  sit  backwards 
in  a  carriage,  but  should  himself  take  the  seat  the.  back  of 
which  is  turned  toward  the  horses,  where  it  is  necessary  for 
some  one  to  do  so.  In  the  same  way  a  young  lady  should 
not  permit  an  older  or  a  married  lady  to  ride  backwards. 
According  to  strict  etiquette,  the  lady  who  owns  the  carriage 
keeps  her  own  seat ;  but  she  will  usually  surrender  it  to  a 
married  lady  if  she  is  herself  unmarried,  or  to  one  who  is 
much  her  senior. 

As  it  makes  some  people  positively  ill  to  ride  backwards, 
those  who  can  do  so  without  inconvenience  or  suffering 


326  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

should  offer  to  take  these  undesirable  places.  A  hostess 
enters  the  carriage  after  her  guests,  unless  they  are  much 
younger  than  she  is. 

A  gentleman  should  always  get  out  of  a  carriage  before  the 
ladies  do,  taking  care  not  to  pass  in  front  of  them,  but  to  get 
out  at  the  door  which  is  nearest  to  his  seat.  He  should  then 
help  the  ladies  to  get  out,  each  in  her  turn.  There  are 
several  ways  of  doing  this,  a  lady  requiring  more  or  less 
assistance  according  to  the  height  of  the  vehicle,  her  own  age 
and  activity.  Perhaps  the  most  approved  way  is  where 
a  gentleman  offers  his  arm,  the  lady  placing  her  hand  upon 
it.  He  can  then  lend  her  additional  assistance,  if  it  is  neces- 
sary, by  supporting  her  elbow  or  forearm  with  his  hand. 
At  the  same  time  he  guards  her  dress  from  the  wheel  by  hold- 
ing his  cane  or  umbrella  in  front  of  it,  with  his  left  hand. 

Another  method  is  for  a  gentleman  to  offer  a  lady  one  or 
both  hands ;  or  if  she  is  descending  from  a  very  high  vehicle, 
she  may  place  both  hands  upon  his  shoulders,  as  he  is  thus 
enabled  to  support  her  arms.  When  a  lady  ascends  a  tally- 
ho  coach,  she  goes  first,  a  gentleman  mounting  the  ladder  one 
or  two  steps  behind  her  and  keeping  her  dress  in  place  with 
his  cane.  In  descending,  he  goes  first,  for  the  same  reason, 
both  of  them  coming  down  backward.  The  companion-ways 
on  board  ship  are  mounted  and  descended  in  the  same 
manner. 

The  art  of  mounting  a  lady  properly  on  horseback  is  one 
that  many  gentlemen  do  not  understand.  The  lady  should 
place  her  left  foot  in  one  or  both  of  the  gentleman's  hands, 
her  left  hand  on  his  shoulder,  and  her  right  hand  on  the  pom- 
mel of  the  saddle.  Then  at  a  given  word  she  springs  up- 
ward, the  gentleman  at  the  same  moment  raising  his  hand 
so  as  to  assist  but  not  actually  to  lift  her  into  the  saddle. 
When  accompanying  a  lady  on  horseback,  a  gentleman 
always  keeps  on  the  right  side. 


HINTS  FOR  YOUNG  MEN.  327 

In  dancing,  he  should  offer  his  hand  gracefully  to  a  lady, 
where  he  has  occasion  to  do  so  at  all.  The  hand  should  be 
presented  palm  downward,  taking  care  that  the  thumb  does 
not  project  in  an  awkward  way.  To  hold  the  hand  vertically, 
with  the  thumb  sticking  up  in  the  air,  looks  extremely  awk- 
ward. A  gentleman  should  also  be  careful  not  to  shake 
hands  with  too  much  violence,  and  not  to  press  a  lady's  hand 
so  that  her  rings  will  hurt  her  fingers.  Per  contra,  ladies 
should  not  shake  hands  as  if  those  members  were  paralyzed 
or  hopelessly  limp ;  and  if  they  should  have  occasion  to  take  a 
gentleman's  arm  —  in  the  evening  or  in  some  crowded  street 
—  they  need  not  be  afraid  to  lean  some  of  their  weight 
upon  it.  Most  men  rather  enjoy  the  sense  of  protecting 
the  weaker  sex,  and  admire  a  woman  who  knows  "  how  to 
take  an  arm "  properly. 

A  gentleman  should  always  offer  to  pass  up  a  lady's  fare  in 
a  stage  or  in  a  horse-car  where  there  is  no  conductor,  and 
should  get  off  the  steps  of  a  car  rather  than  allow  a  lady  to 
be  uncomfortably  crowded  as  she  enters  or  leaves  it.  And 
just  here  it  is  pleasant  to  be  able  to  say  that  many  of  our 
countrymen  in  what  might  be  called  the  humbler  ranks  of 
life  offer  these  civilities  in  a  way  that  is  gratifying  to  see, 
and  that  reflects  much  credit  upon  them. 

It  has  been  said  elsewhere  that  the  custom  of  saying  Madam 
and  Sir  is  falling  into  disuse.  There  are  still  some  occa- 
sions, however,  when  it  is  necessary  to  use  these  expressions ; 
notably,  when  one  addresses  a  stranger.  If  a  gentleman 
offer  to  bring  a  lady  any  refreshment  at  an  entertainment, 
to  hand  up  her  fare  in  a  horse-car,  or  to  call  her  attention  to 
a  parcel  that  she  has  left  behind,  he  should  in  these  and  similar 
cases  address  her  as  Madam,  and  never  as  Miss,  even  though 
he  may  know  that  she  is  unmarried.  A  lady  responding  to 
any  civility  which  may  have  been  courteously  offered  to  her 
by  a  stranger,  uses  "  Sir  "  in  speaking  to  him.  But  neither 


328  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

party  should  continue  the  conversation,  for  obvious  reasons. 
Elderly  ladies,  whose  experience  of  the  world  has  given  them 
knowledge  of  men  and  things,  sometimes  converse  with  their 
fellow-travellers,  especially  on  long  railroad  journeys ;  but  it 
is  very  undesirable  and  unsafe  for  a  young  woman  to  do  so. 

In  conclusion,  the  writer  would  say  that  no  young  man 
should  despair  of  social  success  because  he  does  not  speedily 
achieve  it.  It  is  no  uncommon  thing  to  see  a  young  man 
much  laughed  at  for  his  awkwardness  or  his  ungainly  figure 
when  he  first  enters  society ;  and  then  to  see  the  same  youth, 
by  pluck,  perseverance,  and  practice,  become  a  fine  dancer, 
an  agreeable  partner,  and  a  leader  of  fashion.  "Women  ad- 
mire courage ;  and  the  man  who  perseveres  in  spite  of  defeat 
is  pretty  sure  to  win  favor  in  their  eyes. 

It  is  more  courteous  to  send  a  separate  invitation  to  the 
young  men  of  a  family,  and  not  to  direct  an  envelope  to  "  Miss 
Atwater  and  bro"  The  latter  form  is  of  course  allowable, 
and  frequently  employed;  but  some  gentlemen  object  to  it 
very  much,  especially  where  they  have  been  in  society  for 
several  years.  A  fashionable  young  man  who  is  a  social 
favorite  complains  bitterly  that  he  never  receives  a  separate 
invitation,  but  is  always  invited  as  a  "  bro,"  tacked  on  to 
his  sister's  name.  Where  there  are  several  unmarried  sons 
living  at  home,  and  they  are  no  longer  very  young,  it  is 
more  courteous  to  send  an  invitation  to  each  by  name,  rather 
than  include  them  under  the  general  term  "  Messrs."  It  is 
always  proper  to  invite  two  or  more  sisters  as  "the  Misses 
Atwater,"  no  matter  what  their  ages  may  be. 


The  etiquette  of  "Washington  differs  from  that  of  other 
American  cities ;  it  is  customary  there  for  strangers  to  call 
first  upon  the  members  of  the  Government  and  on  the  wives 
of  official  personages.  For  this  purpose  receptions  are  held 


WASHINGTON   CUSTOMS.  329 

every  afternoon,  and  a  special  day  is  set  apart  for  each  branch 
of  the  Government.  Thus,  Monday  is  Judges'  day,  and  on 
that  afternoon  the  justices  of  the  Supreme  Court  remain  at 
home  and  receive  callers,  assisted  by  the  ladies  of  their  families. 
Tuesday  is  the  reception-day  of  members  of  the  House  of 
Representatives  ;  Wednesday,  of  the  Cabinet  officers  ;  Thurs- 
day, of  the  Senators ;  and  Friday,  of  the  Diplomatic  Corps. 
The  President's  receptions  are  usually  held  on  Saturday  ;  and 
on  that  day  the  residents  of  Connecticut  Avenue  receive  calls. 
The  reason  for  this  very  catholic  hospitality  is  an  obvious  one. 
It  would  be  impossible  for  the  wives  of  Congressmen,  Cabinet 
officers,  and  others  to  call  first  upon  every  one  who  came  to 
the  National  Capital ;  and  yet  according  to  our  Republican 
theories  every  American  citizen  has  a  right  to  social  recogni- 
tion at  the  hands  of  the  rulers  whom  his  voice  has  helped  to 
elect.  Hence  the  wives  of  our  public  servants  throw  open 
their  houses  to  visitors  on  one  day  of  each  week  during  the 
season,  and  any  person  who  chooses,  has  a  right  to  attend  these 
informal  receptions.  According  to  Washington  etiquette  all 
these  calls  must  be  promptly  returned  :  as  their  number  and 
frequency  are  very  great,  they  make  the  social  duties  of  an 
official  hostess  extremely  burdensome.  Such  a  lady  often 
employs  a  private  secretary,  whose  duty  it  is  to  keep  a 
record  of  the  visits  made,  visits  returned,  and  those  still  to 
be  returned.  The  wives  of  the  Cabinet  officers  recently  re- 
belled against  this  slavery  to  the  travelling  public  (for  it  is 
nothing  else),  and  caused  it  to  be  known  that  they  would 
not  undertake  to  return  calls  personally,  but  that  their  cards 
would  be  sent  instead.  This  course,  however,  gave  rise  to 
some  bitterness  of  feeling  among  those  who  did  not  under- 
stand the  exigencies  of  the  situation,  and  who  felt  them- 
selves insulted,  forgetting  that  a  public  servant  and  his 
wife  ought  not  to  be  made  public  slaves.  The  wife  of  one 
of  our  recent  Secretaries  of  State  is  said  to  have  seriously 


330  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

injured  her  health  by  her  punctiliousness  in  returning  all 
visits.  As  our  country  is  increasing  in  population  with  such 
rapidity,  and  as  the  throng  of  visitors  in  Washington  is  in 
consequence  growing  constantly  greater,  it  would  seem  as  if 
some  remedy  must  be  found  for  this  growing  evil,  and  as  if 
the  course  of  the  Cabinet  ladies  was  the  only  one  possible  for 
them  to  pursue. 

When  the  society  in  Washington  was  comparatively  small, 
and  the  strangers  who  came  to  the  city  in  the  gay  season 
comparatively  few,  all  was  very  different;  but  matters  have 
changed  very  much  at  our  National  Capital  within  five  or  six 
years.  Transient  visitors  and  excursionists  now  visit  it  in 
enormous  numbers,  and  intrude  themselves  in  houses  where 
they  have  no  right  to  go  at  all  in  some  instances,  and 
in  others  only  on  certain  days  of  the  week. 

It  would  seem  as  if  common-sense  ought  to  teach  people  that 
to  a  card  reception  (that  is,  where  the  guests  are  all  invited 
by  card)  no  one  save  those  specially  invited  would  have  a 
right  to  go ;  but  the  Washington  tourist  is  very  unreflecting. 
His  rule  of  conduct  too  often  resembles  that  of  the  Irishman, 
—  where  you  see  a  head,  hit  it.  Where  the  Washington  tour- 
ist sees  a  number  of  carriages  standing  before  the  door  of  a 
mansion,  he  immediately  enters  thereat ;  and  whether  he  is 
one,  or  whether  he  is  two  hundred,  makes  absolutely  no  dif- 
ference in  his  view  of  the  situation.  The  result  of  his  theories 
is  naturally  disastrous.  No  private  house  can  hold  an  un- 
limited number  of  people  ;  and  where  the  uninvited  throng 
in  such  numbers,  the  invited  guests  are  unable  to  gain  ad- 
mission. A  Washington  lady  received  cards  for  a  reception 
given  by  an  official  person.  It  was  a  little  late  when  she 

started,  and  upon  her  arrival  in Avenue  she  found  a 

surging  throng  of  people  in  and  around  the  door  of  the 
house  where  the  reception  was  to  be  held.  'After  striving 
with  the  crowd  for  an  hour  or  more,  and  reaching  only  the 


WASHINGTON   CUSTOMS.  331 

vestibule  of  the  mansion,  she  and  her  escort  gave  up  the 
attempt  to  gain  further  admittance,  and  went  home  without 
having  been  to  the  party  at  all !  It  transpired  afterward  that 
an  excursion  of  two  hundred  people  had  arrived  in  Washing- 
ton on  that  day,  and  had  attended  Mr.  's  reception 

en  masse  ! 

Thus  it  is  evident  that  the  public  abuses  its  privileges, 
and  if  less  democratic  customs  should  be  adopted,  the  people 
themselves  would  be  to  blame.  All  public  libraries  and 
parks  are  conducted  on  the  theory  that  the  public  will  re- 
spect their  own  possessions ;  the  moment  that  they  cease  to  do 
so,  that  they  begin  to  abuse  the  books  or  deface  the  beauty 
of  the  grass  and  trees,  the  free  system  becomes  impossible. 
It  is  the  same  with  the  freedom  of  entrance  in  Washington 
society.  It  can  only  continue  while  the  public  are  "  upon 
honor,"  and  behave  like  ladies  and  gentlemen. 

No  doubt  the  tourists  are  less  to  blame  in  regard  to  their 
conduct  in  Washington  than  might  at  first  sight  be  supposed. 
Being  strangers  in  the  laud,  they  naturally  believe  whatever 
is  told  them,  forgetting  that  hotel-keepers,  agents  for  excur- 
sions, hack-drivers,  and  others  may,  through  interested  mo- 
tives, offer  them  more  opportunities  of  sight-seeing  and 
visiting  than  they  have  a  legitimate  right  to  do.  It  is  to 
be  feared  also  that  mankind  have  a  tendency  to  be  less  care- 
ful about  their  behavior  when  they  are  in  foreign  lands  than 
they  would  be  in  their  native  place,  where  habit,  and  the 
desire  to  appear  well  in  the  eyes  of  their  fellow-townsmen, 
act  as  restraining  influences.  One  should  always  remember 
that  travelling  is  the  severest  test  of  good-breeding;  the 
man  who  does  not  forget  his  politeness  among  strangers, 
people  whom  he  never  expects  to  see  again,  will  not  be  likely 
to  forget  it  anywhere.  It  is  a  dangerous  matter,  too,  to 
imagine  that  one's  behavior  in  another  city  or  country  will 
not  be  known  at  home.  This  world  is  a  very  small  place  ; 


332  SOCIAL  CUSTOMS. 

we  are  liable,  even  on  the  most  lonely  mountain-top,  to  be 
seen  by  an  acquaintance,  or  the  acquaintance  of  an  acquaint- 
ance ;  and  by  some  mysterious  process  of  social  telegraphy 
our  misdemeanors,  if  we  commit  any,  reach  home  as  soon  as 
we  do,  usually  increased  by  kind  and  friendly  report  to 
twice  their  natural  size. 

Greediness  at  the  supper-table  is  an  unpleasant  thing  to 
see  in  any  place.  Gentlemen  should  remember  never  to 
stand  around  it  in  such  a  way  as  to  bar  the  approach  of 
others,  and  never  to  take  more  than  their  fair  share  of  the 
good  things  spread  before  them,  notably  wine.  A  gentleman 
may  take  a  bottle  of  wine  and  fill  the  glasses  of  the  ladies  of 
his  party,  as  well  as  his  own.  He  should  then  replace  the 
bottle  on  the  table,  and  not  keep  it  under  his  arm  nor  hide 
it  away  from  other  people. 

It  is  often  said  that  according  to  Washington  etiquette 
strangers  call  first  upon  the  residents  of  tho  city.  This  is 
true  ;  but  the  freedom  thus  given  should  not  be  abused,  as  it 
often  is.  While  it  is  perfectly  proper  for  strangers  to  call 
upon  members  of  the  Government  and  their  families,  as  has 
been  stated  above,  it  is  questionable  whether  they  have  a 
right  to  visit  private  citizens  whom  they  do  not  know,  and 
with  whom  they  have  no  bond  of  common  acquaintanceship. 
It  is  often  done  without  peradventure  ;  but  people  who  have 
delicacy  of  feeling  will  not  intrude  themselves  on  those  who 
move  in  a  different  social  circle,  and  who  have  no  reason  to 
wish  to  know  them.  Visits  made  in  this  haphazard  way  are 
not  always  returned ;  if  they  were,  every  private  citizen 
would  be  completely  at  the  mercy  of  every  transient  visitor 
to  the  National  Capital. 


University  of  California 

SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

405  Hilgard  Avenue,  Los  Angeles,  CA  90024-1388 

Return  this  material  to  the  library 

from  which  it  was  borrowed. 


JUtvi 


iJRL-LD 


O    I 


SEP  ^7  1995 


OCT17 


1994 


nun  mi  i«« »"' • •" "„.*     0 

A    000118800     2 


